Need opnions - update

[Ally]

As you know difficult child is a AWOL in a town that I dont live in. There is a missing persons report filed with the RCMP and also a warrant out for her arrest due to breach of probation. Now the RCMP havent been able to find her but have given me names of 2 girls that she has been hanging out with (who say they dont know where she is) From these names, I have searched telus.com for phone numbers, which I have found matching last names. 1 listing for the same last name as one girl and 3 listings for the last name of the other girl. Do I go ahead and call these numbers and ask if they are her parents and then fill them in on the situation, hoping that it doesnt in turn scare difficult child off even farther?? Although the police have also been by both these girls houses and she wasnt there, or so they said.

I know that I should be detaching and I thought that I was but its so hard. Its been a week since I have heard from her and I am so worried about her. I know that I cant make her change, but I really want her picked up and for her to deal with this situation before it gets any worse. I cant go and search for her as its 20 hrs by car and flights are crazily expensive. I feel like my hands are tied and dont know what else to do.

What do I do???

Ally

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

I went through the exact same thing when my daughter was 16.

If you do call, and your daughter is there, she will surely run. There is a warrant, she does not want to be found. Sadly, your hands ARE tied. You HAVE to let whatever happen, just happen. Leave this one to God. Pray pray pray. I will pray with you.

May God keep her safe until her timely return. May God keep you comforted until such a time as well.

 

[Ally]

Its just so hard........

Ally

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Yes it is.

Play the tape in your mind ALL the way through.

You call these parents. Your daughter is there. She is tipped off. She runs. You lose track of her. Now you have NO clue where she is. Chances are, right now she is not far right now. She is probably with someone you know.

You need to wait this out. Call the cops every day. Make them hate you if you need to, she IS your baby. They might tell you that she is a runaway and it is not the same as a missing child, but bug them till they can't stand you anymore.

I would not give you this advice if I didn't live it already. It is the hardest thing to do. But very necessary. PM me if you like.

 

[Sunlight]

I say if it bothers you, go ahead and call. she is hiding from you anyway and who knows what she is doing. at least you will know she is there for now.

 

[Ally]

The thing that gets me is that she called me in tears a week ago on Thursday. She never used to call me. It was a huge step. I was talking to her on MSN every couple of days (probably somewhere with no easy child) and now there is nothing. She is so vulnerable. Is willing to do anything to make friends and for someone to let her stay with them. My heart is breaking. My mind is almost at a breaking point. I havent felt like this in a year.

Ally

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Oh sweetie.

I know your mommy heart is in pieces right now. I am so sorry that you are hurting. ((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

And here you are getting two differing pieces of advice. On one hand, it would ease your worrying if you did call and find out that your child was at one of these houses. On the other hand, like I mentioned, if she is there, you may very well scare her away. When my daughter took off, and I went out looking for her (literally...got in my car and drove around the streets looking for her) the cops told me to go home and get some rest and to let them do their job.

The detaching part is for your benefit. In the long run, it will be to her benefit as well.

 

[hearthope]

First I would like to share with you that I have felt what you are now feeling and it will get better. {{hugs}}

Second I will just share my experience with searching many times for my son.

The people he found to hide out with knew he was running.

If a parent answered the phone they believed what ever story my difficult child told them and didn't want to get involved.

If a buddy of his answered they would just lie.

I never got anywhere but more upset trying to find him.

Each time he was found, he would mess up and get caught by the police.

I spent a long time trying to find him and fix his problems.

Only when I stopped did I find peace


Traci

 

[Ally]

I dont know what to say. I emailed the probation officer and he thinks that we are getting closer to finding her. There are people that know her everywhere even though she has only been there 6 weeks.

This kills me. I want her to try to be a better person. I want her to take the hard way out. I want her to be what I know she can be. I want her to figure this out and get through this. This is my daughter. I love her more than anything. She has no idea how much this hurts me. Its all about her and only she can change what is happening. Only the members of this board understand. No one else gets it. Thank you for being there.

Ally

 

[Suz]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Its all about her and only she can change what is happening. </div></div>

Ally, this has to become your mantra for you to get any kind of peace of mind. She isn't doing this to hurt you- you aren't even on her radar right now.

I'm sorry for your worried heart.

Suz

 

[Ally]

I know. I know she is the only one that can change. I know that nothing I do to try to help her will make a difference, but it all still hurts none the less.

Do you ever have days/weeks where it just all seems to catch up with you compounded by everything else that is going on in your life?? Thats kinda where Im at, and because she is so far away in a town that I dont know, it just seems to make it worse. I thought I was doing the right thing by sending her to live with her dad. It was her best chance instead of immediately falling back into the same crowd that she was in here. Instead, it took her a bit longer, but she has fallen into the same type of crowd up there.

Ally

 

[Suz]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Do you ever have days/weeks where it just all seems to catch up with you compounded by everything else that is going on in your life?? </div></div>

Oh, absolutely! I am blessed to have a two friends I email daily and we try to keep each other on an even keel. And I post here. And I have a relationship with one of Rob's old therapists and I touch base with her now and then for perspective.

Still, there are going to be rough patches- that's part of LIFE, I guess, and the challenge is to do the best you can during those times and hope for the best for tomorrow.

Suz

 

[DDD]

I have never been in your situation but I do understand the fears
you have, the frustration you feel and the effects of the cumulative stress. If you are polling, I would vote to not call.
Sadly I have come to accept that there is no "right" answer to
bring peace of mind as a parent of a difficult child. It's rough. I will
include you in my prayers and hope whatever you decide works out
best for your family. Hugs. DDD

 

[Sunlight]

dont beat yourself up over the choice to send her there. she may have simply left your house as well if she had stayed.

you cannot control her. she knows the right thing to do and how to reach you. she is not ready.

you sound ready for some peace. if you have not already done so,
please read
codependent no more by melody beattie

worry is natural. they drive us nuts. somehow if this is continuing to happen for a while more in the future...you need to be reinforced to brace yourself for it. if you can, read the bible too. very comforting to me.

the Lord is my shepherd...

try this verse too:
2 Corinthians 4 verses 8-11

 

[Ally]

AARRGGHHH!! I get a text from her last night (after not hearing from her in 13 days) that says "Mom, I love you with all my heart, call you soon" So we know she is alive but games like this drive me nuts!!!