Need serious help regarding Jumper and her inability to face reality

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by MidwestMom, Aug 30, 2011.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    For those of you who go to the Watercooler, you know that she has a boyfriend whose parents are incredibly abusive and every day is a new surprise for him. They really like to throw new rules (rather sadistic ones) at him when he comes home from work. He is pretty much self-supporting. They give him almost nothing, he will be paying his college, he already pays all his own bills, and he is 17. They don't like him having a girlfriend, maybe especially not a bi-racial girlfriend, and they have done everything they can to make sure he breaks up with her.

    Last night, they greeted J. by telling him that he can do whatever he wants to do, they're done with him, he can't ever use their car (he was paying insurance on their third car) and that they are taking his phone. Last week, they gave him a black eye. Things are getting out of control in the house and I've told Jumper that he probably will be forced to stop seeing her, even though he doesn't want to. In Wisconsin, a child can't leave the house before he is eighteen and J. won't be eighteen until December. Then he can live with a friend's family, but until then, unless he is abused, and that doesn't mean emotional abuse, he has to stay at home. Well, that is unless his dad and stepmother give him permission to leave, and I think they're mean enough not to.

    I had a heart-to-heart with Jumper today...told her he HAS to stay there and that he has to make the best of it until he's out. She refuses to face the truth and insists he can still leave (he can't...and won't). This situation is really too large for her to take on. It is her first boyfriend and unfortunately although he is a great kid, his family situation is very unstable. Jumper has these notions that things will get better, he'll m ove in with T's nice family, and all will be well. That isn't going to happen.

    I'm surprised that a usually level-headed kid can ignore reality to this extent. This is a side of her that I have never seen before. I guess it's called "love" in the puppy love sense. It is very frustrating and it hurts my mommy heart...For the first time, I don't know how to help her.

    School starts in two days (I'm glad...that will keep her busy). She has just started Vyanese for ADHD (so has Sonic--for inattention and weight control) and I'm wondering how Vyanese has worked for your kids. I was so happy typing this last paragraph. At least it is a more normal parental
  2. keista

    keista New Member

    You can't. Love is deaf, dumb and blind. (funny I literally just got off the phone with my sis and we were discussing this topic how it related to me an my choice of husband)

    You can talk things through with her and support her in her decisions, knowing you might have to help pick up the pieces. Then the next time she's in love, you gently remind her of her previous experiences, and talk things through, and if necessary, be around to help pick up the pieces.

    Not only are these parents mean, they are STOOOPID. Simple parenting 101 - the more you tell a teen that they CAN'T do something, the more adamant they become on doing it.

    ((((HUGS)))) to your mommy heart, but Jumper needs to navigate this on her own.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thanks. This is going to be hard. And you're right about this "being in love" thing. Even rational kids can become irrational, I guess.
  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry Jumper is being impacted by another family's dysfunction. First love is so intense and seems to be even more so the younger you are when it happens. Let's hope that the beginning of the school year brings some relief from the intensity.

    Many times I have goofed parenting teens so please know that I don't consider myself an expert based on some of the choices I made, lol. It's hard with easy child's as well as difficult child's. I'm throwing out ideas just in case you think it might be helpful. Perhaps Jumper can bridge the gap a bit from her feelings to plain life lessons. For example "little children have almost no choices they can make because they are immature, 'tweens and teens get to make more independent choices because they are learning how to be adults making all their decisions on their own." The adult each of us becomes is based on lessons learned and choices that we make...that is what makes each person different and some are happy & successful and some are not. "J is on the threshold of manhood. He is a wonderful person and we all hope that is future will be happy. But...J has to decide exactly what HE wants or needs to do. If it is anyone else's decision it will undermine his growing maturity. He needs to be able to look back and think to himself that he made a choice with-o influence."

    by the way, I thoroughly believe that to be true. Now...on the other hand...personally I was wondering what would happen if J suggested to his parents that he move out. If they are "through with him", maybe they would just say go. (Doubt it but maybe.) If he doesn't have wheels does that mean he has to give up his job? Are they going to drive him to and from work and football practices and games? Interesting. DDD
  5. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Just a are his bank accounts set up? If SM or dad are on them, they can withdraw 100% of his money and it would be legal, morally wrong but legal. He may want to move them money away from their control.
  6. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Have to agree with the other ladies. As much as Jumper wants things to be better for J, there isn't anything she can do to help him.
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Im not surprised at the law in WI but I seriously doubt that the cops would look for a 17.5 year old runaway...actually that would be a 17 and 3/4 year old runaway. Even when they knew where he was. Im pretty sure everyone knows what is going on anyway. However, he probably should start doing what others have suggested....slowly taking small stuff out in his between his math book pages, BC in his history book. Hide cash in his boots and then buy a prepaid visa that he can hide somewhere. Or maybe open a bank account in his own name somewhere. Heck, he can buy a prepaid cell phone and leave it at school in his locker.
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Good ideas, all. I'll tell Jumper to make sure he takes his money out of the bank before he asks if he can move. He is going to ask if he can go to his best friend's house, but they're so sadistic they will probably not allow it until he is eighteen, in which time they have no choice. Even if he's still a student, he can move. No, he doesn't have to quit his jobs. I'm guessing that his parents will take him to THAT (or maybe his friends...they all drive). He can also get to football practice. The thing is, Jumper is happy that they told him he can do what he wants. I don't know if he's happy or puzzled or feeling abandoned again. I tried to tell her this is probably hard for him. On top of that his stepmother is so loony that she can say one thing one day and totally reverse it the next day. I am pretty familiar with borderline personality disorder (cough) and I think this is her problem. She is very erratic. I'm sooooooo sorry that my little girl hooked up with THIS boy for her first "love."

    When I try to tell Jumper that there really isn't a whole lot anyone can do until he is eighteen she says, "I don't want to talk about it." I wish she was the type of kid who had a crush on somebody every other week, but she isn't! In fact, this is the first boy she has been willing to sort of go out with in any way.

    I feel really bad for J., but I'm more concerned about Jumper. She is normally so rational and focused. But she really has deep feelings toward this boy.
  9. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    {{hugs}} to Jumper.
    Its tough being on the emotional roller-coaster - at any age!
  10. Methuselah

    Methuselah New Member

    I don't have any puppy love advice, but I do have an interesting story about Slugger's ADD and medicine. His ADD was horrible! Medicines didn't really work We called him The Absent Minded Professor and worried we have to hire an assistant like Monk has. About 6 months ago, he started craving really weird foods. I would find him in the pantry eating flour by the handfuls. He looked like he had a really bad cocaine habit. I took him to the doctor to have his iron levels checked, as pica, weird food cravings, is a sign of iron deficiency. His lab tests proved positive. He was put on iron supplements. His energy improved, which we expected. We didn't expect his ADD to go away, his heart murmur to disappear and his hearing to improve! Apparently, his body has always had this problem but didn't rear it's ugly head til puberty caused major growth spurts. I wish someone had told me to look into this, because it would have saved him so much stress and frustration...but horrible teasing from others.
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your story. Pica. Very interesting!

    Daughter was adopted straight from the hospital and only lived with us so we know she's healthy. But she DOES have serious attention problems. The first time she tried Concerta she didn't like it. This year we want to focus more on academics so she's trying medications again. We'll see!
  12. Methuselah

    Methuselah New Member

    I think Slugger had the iron issue the whole time. It showed itself through the ADD, heart murmur, hearing issues. It wasn't until he had a major growth spurt that the pica showed up. That was the red flag for me. I think it is something like 14-20% of kids with ADD/ADHD have iron deficiency problems. Traditional medications didn't help him, iron did. I thought I would pass the info along. :)
  13. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    I'm kinda stuck on the they gave him a black eye thing, doesn't that count as abuse?