Need Serious Support - esp from parents of bi-polar kids

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by dashcat, Mar 24, 2013.

  1. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    Oh Good God!

    I've posted about a week ago about my difficult child and her impulsive behavior (stolen wedding rings - just because she wanted them) and her having almost broken one of my house rules by agreeing to have a guy she'd met online (but with whom she was in luuuvvv, but who subsequently dropped her when the booty call AT MY HOUSE did not come through).

    Also - she let her car insurance lapse, is late on her rent and was late on her phone. Her dad has her on his plan - she's responsbile for the bill, but it affects his credit rating if she's late. She's been late twice and would have been a third time today. Mr. Ossy has really been stepping up where she's concerned and he strapped on his little feathery ossy-balls and paid the bill BUT turned off her texting, removed her from online access to the account and turned off her data plan Now her phone only callls people. He's goingto tell her that, upon repayment of the debt and proof that she has car insurance (the law in ohio), he will turn her texting on.

    That's the backstory.

    Last night she breezes home at 6:00 p.m. after running "errands" (I am flat out on the couch with a very ugly puking, no eating, bone crushing virus) and announces that she and C are having a "girls night". She is spending the night. She grabs a bag and is heading for the door "What's the hurry?" I ask (6:00 p.m. for a sleepover? And who has sleepovers at 21?) "Oh, she's waiting in the driveway. I told her not to come in because you are so sick". She flies out the door and I look out the front door. A HUGE car - like a Lincoln Town Car ..NOT C's car (which I've seen in my driveway) is pulling out. I say the serenity prayer all night. If I call her, she will 1. either not pick up or 2. say "We have C's dad's car".

    I wait. Her normal pattern when she does an all night thing is to call/text when she gets up (latest being around 1:00). Then call/text when she's on her way. Nothing. I call at 4:00. No answer. I call at 6:00 (both calm messages, "call and check in".

    She calls. "we're just getting ready to watch a Mean Girls Marathon". I say (calmly), you didn't leave in C's car. Please tell me where you are. Her response "Not at C's". Ok, who are you with. "A guy I met a little while ago."

    I make her give me his name and address (she, arguing "MOM I'm SAFE", me replying "Then you don't mind giving me information, right?"). She is TWO HOURS away from here.

    With a guy she just met. Online. She will be home TOMORROW at noon.

    First, she broke a major trust rule. Nobody picks her up here unless I meet him. NOBODY. This is my house.

    Second, (but the larger issue), she has just spent 1.5 nights TWO HOURS away with a stranger.

    Third, Wasn't she in love only a week ago?

    I am done. I haven't decided how long she has, but she is leaving. Her time at the Dashcat Hilton has come to a close.

    Mr. Ossy called while I was typing this in resonse to my text: difficult child is ok, but I have information. Call ASAP. He's hemming and making disapproving noises about my showing her the door. Really? I said "This does not mean you have to take her in." He says "I know" (but I know better).

    I am hopping mad and I am scared witless.

  2. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Wish I knew, Dash. I'm struggling with my own impudent BiP 23 year old daughter. My first reaction to your post is give her the boot. Is she on medications at all?

  3. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    I'm so sorry you're in the club, H&R. She is not on medications ... refuses. She is completely unremorseful when she is confronted about violating boundaries (the guys in the driveway ... who I know would be guys in the house if I wasn't home, the rings she took from her dad's dresser, her driving without insurance, etc). I hate the very thought of asking my own child to leave, but I can;t continue to feel like this in my own home. She couldn't possibly have known enough about this guy to know he's ok. And even if she thought she did, I told her I didn't feel safe if she did that. I simply cannot trust her and it is breaking my heart.
  4. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    You have my support dash! I know what a roller coaster it is with these bipolar kids. Every grey hair on my head (and there are a lot coming in these days!) is from my difficult child! Sending you lots of gentle hugs!!!
  5. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Honey, I so understand! Haven't seen Onyxx myself since Thursday evening... Ugh.
  6. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    I am sorry, Step and JKF for your struggles, too. It is just so scary.
  7. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Geez Dash, I am so sorry. What a story. I am not unfamiliar with this kind of behavior, my own difficult child at 40 is pretty much still doing a lot of that. Luckily for me I haven't dealt with this for 20 years, just the last few. And, that is enough. I have no great answers for you, only empathy and understanding. You are on a really treacherous path with your difficult child, they make horrible choices which endanger them and others, don't pay bills, don't feel there is anything wrong with their behavior.............. for us, that behavior is crazy making and brings the kind of stress which is off the charts.

    Once you calm down from this episode and you can begin thinking clearly, develop a time table for your difficult child's exit, if that is indeed how this ultimately plays out. And, here's my advice, get as much support as you can, find a therapist, if you don't already have one for YOU, get in parent groups, go to NAMI groups, 12 step groups, any groups, where you can breathe, where you can vent, cry, express, get all of those feelings out and find tools to detach. The only way I got through last year was to get MEGA support. My difficult child has not changed but I have, I am not rolling around that horrific merry go round anymore, I just can't do it. I really hear you and understand what you are feeling. I'm so sorry. Many gentle hugs coming your way Dash, hang in there......................
  8. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Omg dash I would be mad/upset/ scared too. I have been there done that, my difficult child pulled the same stunts over and over. I just couldn't live with that worry any longer. I agree she should get her own place so you have peace of mind. They are not going to change their risky ways for us.

    I know the sickening feeling you have right now.
    Last edited: Mar 24, 2013
  9. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Could you make it a condition of her staying with you that she go for therapy and take her medications? If she refuses, you have your exit strategy.

    I'm just thinking about how crazy Britney Spears went before her family intervened. She agreed to get help and has been doing well. Now Amanda Bynes is off the rails having a very scary and public meltdown and she's refusing her family's pleas for help.
  10. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    I'm not looking for any concrete answers here (are there any?). Your support and understanding and empathy are more than enough to get me through the night.

    Tomororw, I hope to be thinking clearly enough to have a plan. Just know I can't do that right now. Thank you everyone. I am going to take my virus-wracked and emotionally beaten body to bed.
    Last edited: Mar 24, 2013
  11. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    OMG, Dash, you must be so worried. I remember those nights, texting him at 3 AM or so...maybe limit the use of the computer? Yes, it sounds like she needs to move, since she won't follow your rules. Do you have a therapist that you see? They can be very helpful with support and advice. Too bad ex is not on your side.
  12. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Will send many prayers for her safety. That must be the scariest thing ever. I hope sleep is your friend tonight and you'll be able to update that she is fine tomorrow.

  13. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    Supportive thoughts sent your way.

    I hope you feel much better in the morning.
  14. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Sending hugs and support. She needs to leave your home. If Mr/ Feather softOssy balls takes her into his home, you cannot control that. You can only control what you do and what resources you have are used for. Who owns her car? Who pays the loan on the car? If you own the car, take the keys and spark plug wires or battery out. Call the cops if she fixes it and drives it. Don't back down on pressing charges for a stolen car. If her dad does, well, refuse to let it be on your property. Call the cops and have it towed as an unisured car on your property with-o your permission. Don't tell difficult child ahead of time. let her dad bail the car out of impound and either give it back or keep it away from her. If she owns it and isn't paying the loan, let it be reposessed. If daddy pays the bill, don't let it be on your property. Heck, give the cops notice that it is uninsured. Around here they won't necessarly look for it, but if they see it parked on the street, usually the officer will remember if a car of that make/model was listed as uninsured or stolen and will run the tags. Then they either impound it or wait for the driver to move it, then they impound it and ticket or arrest the driver.

    You cannot continue to have her live wth you. She isn't making progress on building a life for herself. She is looking for luuuuvvv and finds Mr. Right Now instead, and that is downright dangerous for both her and for you as her men clearly are told where you live.

    I am so very sorry. I hope she can grow up at some time. Until then, you must do what you need to do. And safety has to be the first priority. You cannot keep her from making unsafe choices, but you can keep her from making them on your dime and from telling these guys where you and she live.
  15. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Dash, this reminds me so much of myself at that age. Did you ever hear about the time I got high on pot in Richmond VA and woke up in Times Square? Yep, sure did! I was hanging out with some male prostitutes after my first marriage broke up because I didnt want to have anything to do with anyone who wanted anything to do with women but I wanted to go to bars to have fun so gay guys were safe. Oh the things that happened to me on that trip! The guy that took me up there stole my suitcase out of my trunk and went into the bar where I couldnt go in because it was male only and he never came out again. I was left sitting in my car all night in front of the bar with very little money and lost as all get out. It was quite an adventure to say the

    Eventually I did settle down and it was long before I learned about my diagnosis's. I didnt know about them until my late 30's. Your daughter can figure this out and learn that her behavior is stupid without admitting to her diagnosis's but she needs to really read up the dangers and fast. That is seriously dangerous behavior.
  16. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    Thanks for all the support. I actually did sleep (the upside to having a yucky virus) and I'm as calm as can be expected.

    Susie, she owns her car. It is in her name and it is paid for. Mr. Ossy has very odd standards and, though his response to "she's in Sandusky with a a total stranger" was to laugh (I am not kidding), and though he very dismissive of my rule about her being picked up here by strangers ...or my fears about her BEING with strangers OVERNIGHT, he will most likely make being insured a condition of her living there. Now this is fine with me, but I can't help but shake my head at his "standards".

    I know him pretty well. And I am fairly certain that he has called her and that she will call him before she comes home. He will then come over for "the talk". These three way talks NEVER go well ... or at least they haven't in the past. His technique is to align himself with her. The most classic example was the time she had returned (or been returned) from her moving from Roanoke to North Carolina with a guy she'd never met in real life. Ossy fetched her from his brother's house in Roanoke and never once, during the eight hour drive, did he broach the subject of her having done this. Upon returning, he invited me to dinner so we could talk. Naturally, I think we are going to address her having left an $8,000 per semester college in the middle of the semester to run off with a dairy queen manager. No. His plan is to look at an excel spread sheet with a budget for her to plan to get an apartment (she has been back for two days. She does not even have a job). I bring up the unfortunate incident and he says .. in front of her "Well, we don't know that she wasn't using good judgement. We don't know what went on in their phone conversations. She might have known him very well." I kid you not.

    One of his bonding rituals is to be the buddy, while clucking his tongue at my unreasonable expectations (who could EVER meet them? why do you suppose he sought refuge in a young blonde? who could blame him?).

    The difference is that, in the past, I would be reduced to tears in a matter of seconds. I sought to prove how wrong they both were ...I certainly WAS reasonable. You can imagine how this played out.

    Now? "It's ok if you don't agree with me. I have to set boundaries that help me to feel safe. I was very clear, when you moved in last year, that people you've met on the internet could not pick you up at home, nor could they come here when I was not home. You have violated that rule twice in a week's time. I cannot live with that".

    Of course, what I truly wish for is for her to work on getting well and for her to be on medications. I just don't think she's ready to take that step.

    I'll let you all know how it goes.
  17. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    I see strength in this response, Dashcat.

    I'm still putting some of the pieces together, but my daughter has been engaging in horrifyingly risky sexual behaviors since all this started. While we could understand the financial stuff and the gambling stuff, husband and I have been stuck in this shock and aw (***t no!) place regarding daughter's recent sexual behaviors / partners. So, that is all part of this too, then.

    I will have to tell husband this.

    I'm sorry I don't have anything positive or strenghening to say, Dash.

    Too scared myself, I guess.

  18. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    Her risky sexual behavior has been epic ...and very frightening to me (though not to her dad, strangely). I feel for you and your husband as you are facing this situation. None of us have the answers, unfortunately. All we can do is hang on together.
  19. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Dash, one of the pretty awful things I had to confront in my own therapy is, what if she dies? Oh God, the end game fear to trump all fears as far as I'm concerned. And, what if she dies and I could have helped her.....and didn't........yikes.........but the truth is that I had to look at that because how on earth can I prevent it? What can I do to insure that with all her horrible dramatic, extremely risky behaviors that she will be okay, that I can somehow keep her safe. My powerlessness at that point was EPIC. But, I am powerless,that is the bottom line of giving up control, of stopping the enabling, of letting go. I AM POWERLESS. All we can do is allow fate to happen and trust ourselves to be able to be present no matter what happens. Pretty ugly in many ways I know, but also the way out of the daily suffering...............HUGS........
  20. Re - That is the worst fear of all of us hear, I'm guessing. Something I struggle with a lot.

    Dashcat - I think the way you phrased your concerns and your boundaries was excellent. You are telling her that she is violating the boundaries you set in place for you home and that is unacceptable to you. Without judgement of her and at the same time it's very clear. Well done.

    I'm glad that Ossy seems to be kind of getting on board with you in respect to some things lately. I certainly hope he does not enable her to continue with her behaviour if she has to leave your home and find somewhere else to live.

    This is such a difficult decision for you to make but you have to be concerned with your safety. You are so right to set those boundaries in place for yourself because her behaviour is incredibly risky and could be dangerous. This is one of our fears with difficult child as well. We don't know any of his 'friends' and they change frequently. husband is so afraid he is going to come to our home with some of these 'friends' to steal from us and catch myself home alone or husband's very elderly parents home alone. That could be a dangerous situation as well.

    I'm so sorry you're going through this. My thoughts and prayers that she gets home safe today and that the conversation you need to have gets through to her and she sees the need to make a change. I do like the idea of therapy and medication as a condition of her continuing to live with you. At least that way she'll be making healthy steps in the right direction.