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Need some advice...Court tomorrow
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 653513" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>There is no right or wrong answer here. This is your daughter, and you love her so much. Something terrible has happened. She still is not listening.</p><p></p><p>It sounds to me as if she is still being mean and rude and anything but civilized or repentant.</p><p></p><p>But that's okay. Those are things you have no say in. I wanted them on the table though because this has to be tearing you apart inside where no one can see.</p><p></p><p>Know that we are holding you in our thoughts as you go through this.</p><p></p><p>So, on the bond.</p><p></p><p>You have taken responsibility. If you can afford to lose the money if the worst should happen, then let go now. Whether she lied or told the truth about the friend, she has given you an answer.</p><p></p><p>Believe her.</p><p></p><p>She will learn to tell the truth. If the friend does not show, that will be a hard lesson<em> for her.</em></p><p></p><p>If you cannot afford to lose the money, then getting her there is your responsibility, period. You signed, she agreed to have you sign. If it takes going to the police to get her there, you are the responsible one <em>for the sake of the money you risked in her name.</em></p><p></p><p>As is always the case, if that were my child, I would be solely focused on her and the money wouldn't matter and the way she treated me wouldn't matter and nothing would matter. I would be where you are.</p><p></p><p>I am so sorry this is happening. I hope she shows up and that this all works out for you both.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>If this were me (and I am so grateful that, this one time, it isn't me) I would wish that I would take no answer as an answer and cancel the room and the time off. What I would really do, probably, is wait around to be sure she didn't need me.</p><p></p><p>If you are strong enough, take what she has given you as the answer to the question.</p><p></p><p>What she is telling you is that she has this. Her friends are going to stand up for her.</p><p></p><p>She may even believe it.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>She is 18. You are officially uninvolved, already.</p><p></p><p>I kept going to Court for the longest time. I nearly went last December.</p><p></p><p>My heart made me. My brain never even had a chance to get a word in edgewise.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Oh, this changes everything. $750 you can afford to lose. I was thinking $10,000 or something. For $750, let go now if you can do it.</p><p></p><p>Let go of the outcome.</p><p></p><p>Let go of the fear of the outcome.</p><p></p><p>Do not go there with her. She is not going to learn, if you do. You have given good advice, you have offered every help you could know to offer, you have posted bond.</p><p></p><p>Believe what she said.</p><p></p><p>She does not want you there for this part.</p><p></p><p>If she changes her mind <em>that will be a good lesson for her. You can afford to lose the $750.</em> This could turn into a way to bring the bottom up and help her realize this is serious.</p><p></p><p>Hard decisions for you. </p><p></p><p>However this turns out, whatever you decide, whatever the daughter does, we are right here.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Can you plan now for how you will behave differently this time? Use the pool or weight room, see a movie, go shopping or have dinner somewhere fancy or have your nails done or stay in with a good book. Wear earphones and listen to a book during the drive...maybe "Gaslight", or that one we were all reading awhile back about the sociopath next door.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>That would be mean, I suppose.</p><p></p><p>We need to learn to see ourselves differently in our relationships to our children. They are not ogres, they are misguided. Until we are comfortable not helping, we need to do our level best to help and then, let go.</p><p></p><p>This far, and no further.</p><p></p><p>It's when we don't draw that line that everything turns nightmarish.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Your strongest response would be to believe her. She is treating you with utmost and callous disrespect in not responding. Your response is teaching her whether she can continue to do that or not. I will be the first to confess that I allowed my kids to talk to me in such a way and to do things that were bad and to bring people home that horrified me. I didn't know what else to do. They say that, for most of us, if a thief or a murderer came to our door, we would open it and let them in because good manners decrees that we open the stupid door.</p><p></p><p>It would still be hard for me to stand up even now against what my kids want. But I have learned now to seek those confrontations, and to stand up and stand up.</p><p></p><p>You will have to learn that too, I think.</p><p></p><p>It is the right thing when our children are differently wired difficult child kids.</p><p></p><p>We have to learn to stand up, to believe in ourselves. And we have to learn to let go of the outcome. Whether we have helped or whether we have been able to choose and stick to not helping, we need to let go of the outcome.</p><p></p><p>I can worry myself to death whether I help or not.</p><p></p><p>I am learning, too.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 653513, member: 17461"] There is no right or wrong answer here. This is your daughter, and you love her so much. Something terrible has happened. She still is not listening. It sounds to me as if she is still being mean and rude and anything but civilized or repentant. But that's okay. Those are things you have no say in. I wanted them on the table though because this has to be tearing you apart inside where no one can see. Know that we are holding you in our thoughts as you go through this. So, on the bond. You have taken responsibility. If you can afford to lose the money if the worst should happen, then let go now. Whether she lied or told the truth about the friend, she has given you an answer. Believe her. She will learn to tell the truth. If the friend does not show, that will be a hard lesson[I] for her.[/I] If you cannot afford to lose the money, then getting her there is your responsibility, period. You signed, she agreed to have you sign. If it takes going to the police to get her there, you are the responsible one [I]for the sake of the money you risked in her name.[/I] As is always the case, if that were my child, I would be solely focused on her and the money wouldn't matter and the way she treated me wouldn't matter and nothing would matter. I would be where you are. I am so sorry this is happening. I hope she shows up and that this all works out for you both. If this were me (and I am so grateful that, this one time, it isn't me) I would wish that I would take no answer as an answer and cancel the room and the time off. What I would really do, probably, is wait around to be sure she didn't need me. If you are strong enough, take what she has given you as the answer to the question. What she is telling you is that she has this. Her friends are going to stand up for her. She may even believe it. She is 18. You are officially uninvolved, already. I kept going to Court for the longest time. I nearly went last December. My heart made me. My brain never even had a chance to get a word in edgewise. :O) Oh, this changes everything. $750 you can afford to lose. I was thinking $10,000 or something. For $750, let go now if you can do it. Let go of the outcome. Let go of the fear of the outcome. Do not go there with her. She is not going to learn, if you do. You have given good advice, you have offered every help you could know to offer, you have posted bond. Believe what she said. She does not want you there for this part. If she changes her mind [I]that will be a good lesson for her. You can afford to lose the $750.[/I] This could turn into a way to bring the bottom up and help her realize this is serious. Hard decisions for you. However this turns out, whatever you decide, whatever the daughter does, we are right here. Can you plan now for how you will behave differently this time? Use the pool or weight room, see a movie, go shopping or have dinner somewhere fancy or have your nails done or stay in with a good book. Wear earphones and listen to a book during the drive...maybe "Gaslight", or that one we were all reading awhile back about the sociopath next door. :O) That would be mean, I suppose. We need to learn to see ourselves differently in our relationships to our children. They are not ogres, they are misguided. Until we are comfortable not helping, we need to do our level best to help and then, let go. This far, and no further. It's when we don't draw that line that everything turns nightmarish. Your strongest response would be to believe her. She is treating you with utmost and callous disrespect in not responding. Your response is teaching her whether she can continue to do that or not. I will be the first to confess that I allowed my kids to talk to me in such a way and to do things that were bad and to bring people home that horrified me. I didn't know what else to do. They say that, for most of us, if a thief or a murderer came to our door, we would open it and let them in because good manners decrees that we open the stupid door. It would still be hard for me to stand up even now against what my kids want. But I have learned now to seek those confrontations, and to stand up and stand up. You will have to learn that too, I think. It is the right thing when our children are differently wired difficult child kids. We have to learn to stand up, to believe in ourselves. And we have to learn to let go of the outcome. Whether we have helped or whether we have been able to choose and stick to not helping, we need to let go of the outcome. I can worry myself to death whether I help or not. I am learning, too. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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