Hi, I am new to this & like so many others I will apologize for the length, but I could use someone else's point of view. My son is 17 & struggles with severe anxiety & depression. He was once a happy, popular young man & now I do not know who he is or who I am. It started when we moved to Florida because my now ex-husband had a great job opportunity. This was something had always wanted, but it has turned into a living nightmare that I can't wake up from. My ex-husband walked out on us leaving me with nothing financially. I was a stay at home mom & hadn't worked since my son was born. Within months of him walking out, our son developed an eating disorder & over the course of a few month he lost 60 lbs. At the same time my brother was killed in a car accident & he was everything to me. I found a therapist who helped my son conquer his eating disorder, but at the same time his anxiety ramped up & he was a perfectionist about school. My ex refused to believe there was any type of problem even though he saw our son's weight loss. He would do nothing to help. My son's anxiety problems got so bad his last year of middle school that the therapist suggested medication which meant going to another doctor for that. The start of high school was a nightmare & my son's anxiety was so bad that he could only take a couple classes on campus & the rest online. It has been a difficult process that stresses him out so badly he shuts down. A year ago he told me he wanted to commit suicide. It was at the time the worst day of my life. He hated his psychiatrist who prescribed the medications so we found another one who put him on so many that he became aggressive & violent. He threw things, broke things & threatened me constantly. At this point his father finally became involved slightly, but still refused to believe anything was wrong. Before then he did nothing & refused to believe there was a problem stating I was exaggerating, making things up, etc. By May, he attempted suicide. I have lost my parents & my brother, been in a relationship where I got beat up almost daily, but the pain I feel every day & what my son feels every day is beyond anything I've ever felt. My beautiful son has been hospitalized twice for attempted suicide. My once happy, loving, funny son is gone & I want him back, but don't know what to do. He did go to outpatient rehab for almost a month where he was taken off all but 1 medication, but the insurance company dr. said he was fine so the rehab place said he had to be discharged even though he needs so much more help. He is still seeing his therapist & yet again a different psychiatrist, but the treatment is going nowhere with either one. He trusts his therapist more than his own father since he father just constantly lies about everything & does virtually nothing still. He will be having formalized testing, but both myself & my son are just existing. He refuses to go to a support group, hates school (he has been bullied horribly throughout middle & high school even by a teacher), is terrified of making friends, literally hates everything & everyone & spends his days in his room playing video games. He is no longer violent towards me, but I am still scared of him especially when he starts throwing things in his room & yelling which has started all over again. I spend nights listening at his door to make sure he is okay when he is more off than usual. I am scared when I go to work & when I come home because I don't know what I will find. I check in with him constantly when I am at work to make sure he's okay, but its still terrifying. He has become more withdrawn again, refuses to do any homework for his online classes & barely talks to me. There is no joy, no happiness; we are both just existing. I work a part time job for very little money & get very little financial help from my ex. Working full time is a problem since I have no other way to get my son to school except me driving him & using a bus is not an option because of his anxiety. I walk on egg shells every day around him trying to help, but usually I get cussed out or doors slammed in my face. I feel like there is no hope. Things just keep getting worse. The stress of trying to help him, being isolated & the stress of my job have finally taken a toll on me physically as my blood pressure is dangerously high & I can't afford health insurance. My sister is the only 1 left in my family & she doesn't understand or try to understand what my son is going through. My friends at work do, but I don't want to burden them because they are struggling too. I constantly second guess myself; am I too tough, not tough enough, am I doing too much or too little? What do you do when you don't want to wake up every day? I would never harm myself, but the pain of just existing is no way to go through life. I don't what has happened to me as I used to be positive, happy & outgoing & so was my son. If I am having trouble, how do I help my son?