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Need some advice for son struggling with depression....
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 678928" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>My son is 27, and those have been his main issues since he was a little older than your own son.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Before I address the rest of your post, I want to say that you sound as if you too may be suffering from depression, and need to address that. Not just the issues and vulnerability of your son.</p><p>I am so sorry.</p><p></p><p>This is what I would suggest to start.</p><p></p><p>First, none of this is your fault. We are used to, as mothers, taking responsibility for the ills and hurts of our children, and finding solutions. Your son will soon be 18, legally an adult. However much you may support him, he will soon be by definition the driver of his life.</p><p></p><p>So now what to do? Recognize you are depressed. You are the patient, too. You will require that you care for you, too.</p><p></p><p>The most immediate and accessible change might be that you post here as much as you can. Numerous times a day and into the night. On as many threads as you can.</p><p></p><p>I read as many stories as I could and commented on all of them. I found people whose voice I trusted and who stood with me where I was, which was in bed, actually. I am no longer in bed and I am no longer depressed.</p><p></p><p>Posting all of the time helped me immeasurably. I know it will help you too, if you post as I did--a lot.</p><p></p><p>You can start as many new threads as you need, or post on threads the rest of us have begun. That way people get to know you. It is not just the advice and support that help. It is the actual activity of posting. I believe that.</p><p></p><p>You can come up a plan. I know it is hard feeling the way you do. In my case it helped for me to treat myself more gently. To no longer judge myself so harshly. By letting it be OK to be in bed, I was able soon to get up. (Or at least change bedrooms.) Eventually I left that second bedroom.</p><p></p><p>Another thing that may helps is exercise. Like walking. Are you sleeping? Are you keeping regular hours?</p><p></p><p>You have been traumatized. Not just because of the mistreatment. Not just because your husband abandoned you and his child. But most of all because of the constant barrage of trauma and anxiety, lack of control, over and over again with your son.</p><p></p><p>Which you cannot control, cannot solve and cannot even understand!! Nobody could. Not a mother.</p><p></p><p>I would try if I were you to acknowledge that you have been doing it. You have been doing anything and everything to help your boy. That the situation has not improved, and if fact seems to get worse, is like a train wreck for you. A never-ending train wreck. Do you see how even the strongest person could not deal with a situation that is so relentless and unchanging, over which they had no control?</p><p></p><p>I might think about therapy for you, if there is insurance, or Al-Anon. Al-Anon is not just for families of people with addiction problems.</p><p></p><p>Another resource is NAMI, the group that supports mentally people and their families. They have a series of educational support groups for family members. By googling NAMI you will locate a nearby group.</p><p></p><p>One thing you can do this minute is acknowledge how important you are, and how important it is to find every single way to support and nurture yourself. Independent of what actions and attitudes you adopt about your son.</p><p></p><p>One thing you might think about right now for him is this: That he apply for SSI for mental illness. My son receives this. He applied for himself. I did not want to accept he was mentally ill. I preferred to think it was something that he could choose to change. A number of mothers here on the board have helped me gradually accept the situation instead of fighting it. I still have a hard time. Nonetheless, the way he is struggling now suggests that this might continue for a while, in one form or another. He may need financial help. And you too.</p><p></p><p>Another thing you might do is request an IEP at your son's school and request an educational plan that accommodates his limitations. The school district has a responsibility to modify his educational setting to one that he can handle. This includes residential treatment, if need be.</p><p></p><p>I have not read all of the posts above, but the one by Pigless is very apt. Depression is anger turned inward. I think her analysis of the suffering of your son makes a lot of self. The age all of this hit him is a difficult age to have your life turned upside down. It may be easier to blame himself. Because with that, over that, he has some control.</p><p></p><p>Would your son be willing to walk with you, a little bit every day, starting with 15 minutes a day?</p><p></p><p>This is going to sound crazy, but sometimes it is activity that helps as much as talking. Is he interested at all in Art? Working with your hands with expressive media is very helpful. Bigger cities may have free or very low cost art therapy workshops, for people who are struggling or have been traumatized.</p><p></p><p>What about you? Do you do needlework? Crochet, knitting, sewing, quilting?</p><p></p><p>Is there a way that you can think about finding a church group or a needlework guild, so that you can be with other women? With other women you will find support and friendship. Needlework with other women is an age old way that we mended our lives so to speak.</p><p></p><p>Posting, you have started. With this you have turned the corner. It is the acceptance that you are worthwhile. That there is a way through this.</p><p></p><p>There is acceptance in this. This story is your story, and you have the personal strength and value to get through this. The integrity to do this. You are doing it. You are a hero who has not yet come out of the other side. This is a hero's journey. Your own. That is what I see as the most essential thing to remember.</p><p></p><p>It may not be that you can see any concrete changes or effects. Yet. But what needs to change is to see yourself differently. As somebody who is doing it. Doing whatever it takes. There may not be visible results. There may not be for a while. You may not feel recovered for a while. But you are on the way.</p><p></p><p>Part of what changed for me was that I began to accept where I was. Not demand of myself that I was somewhere else. I accepted that as long as I needed to grieve and to mend, it was OK. Another mother here on this forum helped me accept myself. And with that permission to be as I needed to be, I got better. </p><p></p><p>I am still on my journey.</p><p></p><p>As they say here, you are a warrior mom. You have found us!! Good!! Wonderful, in fact.</p><p></p><p>You are not alone.</p><p></p><p>You will have support and understanding every step of the way. So many of us have been where you are, and we have made it through. We continue to fight. You will too. I am so glad you are here.</p><p></p><p>Take care of yourself. Please.</p><p></p><p>You will find a few parents here, whose stories resonate with you. You will trust their voices. You are no longer alone.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 678928, member: 18958"] My son is 27, and those have been his main issues since he was a little older than your own son. Before I address the rest of your post, I want to say that you sound as if you too may be suffering from depression, and need to address that. Not just the issues and vulnerability of your son. I am so sorry. This is what I would suggest to start. First, none of this is your fault. We are used to, as mothers, taking responsibility for the ills and hurts of our children, and finding solutions. Your son will soon be 18, legally an adult. However much you may support him, he will soon be by definition the driver of his life. So now what to do? Recognize you are depressed. You are the patient, too. You will require that you care for you, too. The most immediate and accessible change might be that you post here as much as you can. Numerous times a day and into the night. On as many threads as you can. I read as many stories as I could and commented on all of them. I found people whose voice I trusted and who stood with me where I was, which was in bed, actually. I am no longer in bed and I am no longer depressed. Posting all of the time helped me immeasurably. I know it will help you too, if you post as I did--a lot. You can start as many new threads as you need, or post on threads the rest of us have begun. That way people get to know you. It is not just the advice and support that help. It is the actual activity of posting. I believe that. You can come up a plan. I know it is hard feeling the way you do. In my case it helped for me to treat myself more gently. To no longer judge myself so harshly. By letting it be OK to be in bed, I was able soon to get up. (Or at least change bedrooms.) Eventually I left that second bedroom. Another thing that may helps is exercise. Like walking. Are you sleeping? Are you keeping regular hours? You have been traumatized. Not just because of the mistreatment. Not just because your husband abandoned you and his child. But most of all because of the constant barrage of trauma and anxiety, lack of control, over and over again with your son. Which you cannot control, cannot solve and cannot even understand!! Nobody could. Not a mother. I would try if I were you to acknowledge that you have been doing it. You have been doing anything and everything to help your boy. That the situation has not improved, and if fact seems to get worse, is like a train wreck for you. A never-ending train wreck. Do you see how even the strongest person could not deal with a situation that is so relentless and unchanging, over which they had no control? I might think about therapy for you, if there is insurance, or Al-Anon. Al-Anon is not just for families of people with addiction problems. Another resource is NAMI, the group that supports mentally people and their families. They have a series of educational support groups for family members. By googling NAMI you will locate a nearby group. One thing you can do this minute is acknowledge how important you are, and how important it is to find every single way to support and nurture yourself. Independent of what actions and attitudes you adopt about your son. One thing you might think about right now for him is this: That he apply for SSI for mental illness. My son receives this. He applied for himself. I did not want to accept he was mentally ill. I preferred to think it was something that he could choose to change. A number of mothers here on the board have helped me gradually accept the situation instead of fighting it. I still have a hard time. Nonetheless, the way he is struggling now suggests that this might continue for a while, in one form or another. He may need financial help. And you too. Another thing you might do is request an IEP at your son's school and request an educational plan that accommodates his limitations. The school district has a responsibility to modify his educational setting to one that he can handle. This includes residential treatment, if need be. I have not read all of the posts above, but the one by Pigless is very apt. Depression is anger turned inward. I think her analysis of the suffering of your son makes a lot of self. The age all of this hit him is a difficult age to have your life turned upside down. It may be easier to blame himself. Because with that, over that, he has some control. Would your son be willing to walk with you, a little bit every day, starting with 15 minutes a day? This is going to sound crazy, but sometimes it is activity that helps as much as talking. Is he interested at all in Art? Working with your hands with expressive media is very helpful. Bigger cities may have free or very low cost art therapy workshops, for people who are struggling or have been traumatized. What about you? Do you do needlework? Crochet, knitting, sewing, quilting? Is there a way that you can think about finding a church group or a needlework guild, so that you can be with other women? With other women you will find support and friendship. Needlework with other women is an age old way that we mended our lives so to speak. Posting, you have started. With this you have turned the corner. It is the acceptance that you are worthwhile. That there is a way through this. There is acceptance in this. This story is your story, and you have the personal strength and value to get through this. The integrity to do this. You are doing it. You are a hero who has not yet come out of the other side. This is a hero's journey. Your own. That is what I see as the most essential thing to remember. It may not be that you can see any concrete changes or effects. Yet. But what needs to change is to see yourself differently. As somebody who is doing it. Doing whatever it takes. There may not be visible results. There may not be for a while. You may not feel recovered for a while. But you are on the way. Part of what changed for me was that I began to accept where I was. Not demand of myself that I was somewhere else. I accepted that as long as I needed to grieve and to mend, it was OK. Another mother here on this forum helped me accept myself. And with that permission to be as I needed to be, I got better. I am still on my journey. As they say here, you are a warrior mom. You have found us!! Good!! Wonderful, in fact. You are not alone. You will have support and understanding every step of the way. So many of us have been where you are, and we have made it through. We continue to fight. You will too. I am so glad you are here. Take care of yourself. Please. You will find a few parents here, whose stories resonate with you. You will trust their voices. You are no longer alone. COPA [/QUOTE]
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