Need some Advise!

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Laurie A, Mar 6, 2018.

  1. Laurie A

    Laurie A New Member

    My brother is 39 years old has been using drugs and alcohol since he was 15 years old. He has had numerous wrecks, and 2 serious injuries. He has been in prison 3 times and I couldn't tell you how many times he's been in jail. He has been charged from Larceny, possession, 3 Felonies, and is currently on probation. He was just released from prison on Jan 25, 2018 and is on 9 months post release. He was drunk 4x legal limit and riding his 50cc scooter and wrecked and played it down on its side and he broke his jaw in 2 places. He currently has his jaw wired shut. He gets the wires taken out today and rubber bands added. He is now doing drugs (snorting heroin, cocaine), marijuana drinking beer, vodka). I am afraid he is going to end up dead, should I call his probation officer and ask him what programs he is supposed to be participating in (if any) or tell him to show up and do a drug test and possibly have him locked up for another year and a half? He has a 5 year old daughter. And we always send him money and put money on the phone for him to call. Should we stop that also? Please help! Thank you for your comments!
  2. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Welcome Laurie, so sorry for your need to be here.
    Your question is whether or not to call his probation officer to possibly drug test your brother. I don’t know if that would really happen, considering he is nine months out? Are you comfortable doing this? You didn’t cause his drug use, can’t control it, or cure it. That being said, from what I have heard from others is that if someone wants drugs in prison, they can get them. The motivation to quit, has to come from your brother. It is sad to watch our loved ones struggle with this. 24 years is a long time to be using. I am sorry for all you have gone through with this.
    It has been most members experience here that any money sent an addict actively using will go towards buying drugs.
    So, definitely no cash.
    As far as money towards the phone, if it’s not cash and you can afford it, that is one thing. Keep in mind that when we pay for incidentals, rent, phone, etc. it also makes it easier for an addict to support their drug habit.
    It is a rock and a hard place. That’s for sure. My daughter is about the same age. Been dabbling since 13 but really got heavy with meth use, I figure a few years back.
    I don’t pay for anything. She is an adult and should be responsible for herself. It sounds like I am a tough hard hearted person, I am not. My stand comes after years of trying to help her, with no avail.
    It’s not easy, but she has got to figure out what she wants in life. She will either continue to drug herself to oblivion or wake up.
    Thing is, when her father and I were trying to help, it didn’t help her at all. She just buried herself deeper, ended up stealing from us. Bringing lots of chaos to our home.
    The biggest thing we lost was time.
    There are groups like Al Anon or Naranon that help family members cope with everything that happens to us when our loved ones go off the rails with drugs.
    You sound like a very sweet and loving sister. I know it is so hard to watch the chaos and drama of addiction unfold.
    The thing is, it is up to the addict to want change.
    What you can do now, is strive find ways to strengthen yourself.
    You have come to the right place here, many of us have been right where you are, just desperate for solutions.
    None of us are experts or can tell you what you should do. We can write from our own experience and share stories and advice. Take what works for you and leave the rest.
    Welcome Laurie, again, I am so sorry for your need to be here. Others will come along and reply.
    Please know that you are not alone.
  3. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    It sounds like you are in a very difficult place to be. My first question would be is he safe to be with ? Is he living with you or his daughter? He is making his choices and you can't stop them but if he is violent or is bringing people around who may be violent your first concern is safety. People using drugs like that may be unpredictable. You sound very caring which is commendable but it is not helping him or anyone else to let him take advantage of you or steal from you. The people here have many stories of this. I hope you are able to find what you need here and with any of the organization's that were mentioned above.
  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Does he live with his daughter or have custody of her? Does he ever drive her anywhere? If so, I would probably call the PO and report him. Otherwise I probably would not. Just the thought of him driving the daughter anywhere while high or drunk would scare the daylights out of me and I would report him. Of course my family knows I would do it too.

    As far as putting money on his books in prison/jail, that is what they use to buy commissary snacks and stamps. Most phone calls are collect, at least as far as I know. Maybe it is different in your system. Usually you have to be able to accept a collect call to get a call from an inmate. It doesn't cost the inmate anything. Unless the jail or prison tells you otherwise, don't believe it if your brother tells you otherwise. Generally the facility will spell out what the charges will be very thoroughly because they know the prisoners will lie to their families about "a new system that is different that what is in the website or the paperwork" or some other nonsense. Also know that the snacks that the inmates buy are used as money inside. They use them to buy favors or services from each other, and to pay for things they have smuggled in, including drugs. So money you give to your brother to buy food in jail can be used by him to buy drugs from inmates who have smuggled it in. It is awful and scary to think about.

    None of this is your problem though. If you have allowed your brother to live with you and he is abusing you and your home with his drug abuse, reporting him will get him out of your home. Otherwise, it may stir up problems in the family that you don't want to hassle with. Know that his drug use is not your fault or your problem. You didn't cause it, you cannot control it, and you can't cure it. You just can't.

    Attending NarcAnon Family meetings or AlAnon can help you understand this and the impact that it has on you and your family, even though you don't abuse substances. It can be a great source of support in real life. We are always here for you, but we are only online, of course.
  5. Laurie A

    Laurie A New Member

    I appreciate all of your opinions and responses, he lives with my parents in their basement. It is set up like an apartment he has everything he could ever ask for! The phone calls in prison are through Global Tel Link. And I know there are "stamp" prisons where they trade stamps for services, hair cuts, tattoos, drugs, cigarettes, and then "canteen" prisons where the trade their canteen for services, drugs, and cigarettes, hair cuts, tattoos, etc. He does not have custody of his daughter, he is not allowed to see her if he has been drinking or is on any drugs. He drives a scooter, so he can not drive her around. Her mother and I basically have custody of her. I watch her while her mom works full time, then her mom has her 2 days of the week. Her dad is not allowed at her house at all. We are trying to keep him from hurting his daughter's heart if something does happen to him. The only way he gets violent is destroying things. He stole from me and I prosecuted him and that's why he was in prison for 2 years. He has not stolen from anyone yet that I know of, but if he keeps doing the drugs he is doing and drinking that's the next thing that will start.
  6. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    That is hard when it is so easy for him to live, without responsibility. I see that so much in my community. Parents give so much to their adult kids, they don't have to work to make a living and end up partying 24-7, which leads to more trouble. You have no control over what your parents provide for your brother, though. I am sorry for the frustration of it.
    Your niece is very blessed to have you in her life. One would think that having a child would be enough to straighten up. The pull of drugs is so incredibly strong. My daughter basically abandoned her three children for drugs. It is sad. They are with their paternal grandparents. Addiction effects the whole family. You have been dealing with this for a long time, Laurie.
    This is understandable. My thoughts are that she will always have questions. What child wouldn't wonder? My three grands grew up with the mayhem of two addicted parents, in and out of the chaos of use and all that entails. We tried to help, CPS was involved through the years, but the goal was always to "reunite the family". Unfortunately, forced classes and substance abuse programs did not stop the cycle. My grands were traumatized and live with the painful fact that their parents choose drugs over them, all those memories and drama. Nothing we did stopped the crazy they went through, even with authorities involved. Sigh. I have encouraged their grandparents to seek counseling for the kids, but don't think they have. I think it is important for kids to understand what is happening and that they did not cause these issues. Kids are smart. They know something is not right. It may be helpful for you to avail yourself of the tools that are out there, Alanon, Naranon, to guide you to help yourself and your niece deal with whatever comes along the journey. Blink of an eye and years go by. Dealing with this for as long as you have, you know.
    I am so glad that you are able to provide stability for your niece.
    It is hard not to write the end of the story. Hopefully your brother and my two will wake up and realize their true potential, but the grip of drugs supersedes everything in active addiction. I am sorry for your troubles with this Laurie. You have taken on so much in your brothers stead. I hope you have time for yourself to find peace and joy in spite of all that is happening. That is so important. You have worth, you matter.
    When drug use is in the family, the results effect everyone. Finding ways to strengthen ourselves and take care of ourselves is key.
    Keep posting and let us know how you are doing. It helps to know that there are others out there living with this and finding healthy ways to cope, to set boundaries.
  7. Laurie A

    Laurie A New Member

    Thank you all for your advice and encouraging words, I will be going to see a psychologist this month. And I have finally realized the only way I can survive all of this is to turn to God! I have an Autistic son, a husband that isn't really there for us, and I am so glad I found this site! I found a book today at CVS while picking up some prescriptions and it hit home "When Pleasing Others Is Hurting You" it's time for me to stand up and show him I will no longer enable him! I don't want to say this, but I believe this accident was God giving him his last chance due to the extent of the injuries he had. The next stop for him, will either be back in prison or in a grave.