need some reassurance

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by sooooo tired, Jul 29, 2015.

  1. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    Ok It has been calm for awhile now, and my Difficult Child is trying to be nice to me.She only talks to me when I pick up my grandson,but I am still angry with her because this is what she always does. She will go on one of her famous tyrants, say everything she can think of to hurt me, then try to just act like it never happened!! I don't work like that! These things just play over and over in my head. Im not ready to let her back in!! My dilemma is that I keep reading or hearing people say....You should make amends with her...what if something would happen to her and you would have to live with the thought of how your relationship was! I cant help it!! I am a mom and that kind of stuff makes me feel bad!! I hate to say it but my life is so much calmer without her in it!! I just am having a weak moment right now and just need some input! Thanks for always listening
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  2. RPR

    RPR New Member

    I feel all you can do is tell your grown child that you love her even with all her faults and that neither one of you is perfect. If you two can accept each other the way you are then stay living apart and try n call eachother when you can think of one nice word to say to one another and then end the call and be especially friendly when you see the grandchildren cause they don't need too see bad angry family members they need to feel safe around you both and know that everyone is loved. If you believe in GOD, may he bless you with peace, Love and Joy! Never give up.
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  3. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Love is not the same thing as trust.

    You love her. Of course you do. "Warts and all". She is your daughter.

    But... trust is not easily repaired. And she has broken your trust multiple times and very badly. Of course you do not trust her.

    The tough part is to continue to show love, while protecting yourself from further hurt. And you have the right to do both at the same time.
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  4. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I agree 100 percent with Insane. Your love is not in doubt. That does not mean that you should volunteer to be hurt. Your peace of mind and contentment are the most important thing. Love is without conditions. You can love your daughter without doing one thing that goes out of your comfort zone.

    Both parties in a relationship have responsibilities, not just the parent. She is responsible for how her conduct affects others. Just like every other person. She knows very well what she does.

    It is not about forgiveness. You can forgive her but still know her and know she will likely hurt you. That is a reality. And you are the one who is responsible for protecting you. You can make amends in your heart, tell her you love her and go about doing just exactly what you want to do for you. Making amends does not mean sacrificing yourself and your welfare.

    I think you may be holding onto your anger because you feel it protects you. You may feel that if you are no longer angry, you will have to be around her and be hurt by her. That is not true. You can let go of your anger but still know that you cannot be around her except in a very limited way.

    I think you may be too hard on yourself. I think you may take on responsibilities which are not yours to bear. You are only responsible for you. She, for her. There are no shoulds here. Stop listening to everybody. If you feel better, you do not have to justify yourself to anybody. Take care of yourself.
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    Last edited: Aug 1, 2015
  5. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    It's always easy for those who do not have a D C to say things like this.
    You have done nothing wrong so you have nothing to make amends for.
    make amends, to compensate, as for an injury, loss, or insult:

    If anyone should make amends it would be your daughter. You have done nothing but to try to help her.
    How your relationship was??? This is how your relationship IS and it's by her choice.
    For me, this is where acceptance really helps. I had to accept that my son is going to live his life the way he chooses which is for the most part a homeless drifter. He could die and I would never know it. When I do have the opportunity to communicate with him I keep the conversation simple, and I always end telling him I love him. Love is all I have to offer him.
    Your anger towards your daughter is valid but you do need to work on letting that go as well.
    I agree with Copa:
    Contrary to what many believe, you can love your child and not like them.
    I love my son dearly but I do not like him as a person. I do not trust him and would not invite him into my home.
    ((HUGS)) to you................................
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  6. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    I think what you are doing now is the best it may ever get...sorry.

    You get to pick up your grandchild and your daughter is pleasant, talks a bit, no drama.

    Maybe she will have a change of heart and get some help at some point. Who knows.

    Hang in there, guilt is not allowed.
  7. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Anger is often a defense, a wall we put up and it is helpful and useful for us. I think anger is a tool you can and will use until it doesn't work for you anymore. Then you will be ready to let it go.

    Are you assembling and using a toolbox to help you get stronger? Writing and reading this site is one great tool. Alanon meetings, meditation, exercise, writing in a journal, reading recovery books...these things and others will help you so much move forward in your life. Please think about doing things differently so you will feel better.

    Warm hugs. I am glad things are more stable.
  8. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    This helped me: As their mothers, we have a responsibility to teach them a better way. Whether they hear us or not has nothing to do with us. Our job is to do the best we know.

    That is the only thing that is our job.

    To do the best we know.

    Your daughter is verbally abusing you. My son used to verbally abuse me. As it does for you, the things he would say repeated and repeated in my mind. I felt worse once I got done beating myself up for having a son who thought so little of me than I did over what he said in the first place. I needed to stop that circle. I needed to name what he was doing verbal abuse. I had to think about that for awhile, and then, I had to confront my son with what I now knew to be something very different than anger at a mother, or anger during a conversation, or anger that had any valid cause at all. What I needed to admit to myself was that, as is the case in every kind of abuse, my son was hurting me with his words to make me vulnerable, through my love for him, to destroy the part of me that was still able to stand up to him. I had to get it that my son knew what he was doing and that he meant to do what he was doing...and I had to get it, really get it on a gut level, that my own son was hurting me this way to weaken and make me amenable to manipulation.

    That was tough to face. But once I did face it, I could stand up to it when he did it. I could name it what it was.

    No guilt.

    The next thing that happened is that I realized my child ~ however old he was ~ could never truly respect himself if he did not respect and cherish his own mother.

    That is how I still see it, and that is what I am working toward. How my son responds is not the issue. How pleased were they with us when they were toddlers and we taught right from wrong? They weren't. We believe our grown children are coming from the same internal place we would need to be coming from, were we to treat someone we love as they treat us.

    Were we to see someone we love in that cheapened, twisted way they seem to see us. It's a hurtful thing, to admit that to ourselves.

    But that stable adult center we are listening from is not where our adult kids are speaking or behaving from. Once we get that, we can keep ourselves in our stable center and address the situation from that good place. Our kids know better than to do what they are doing. Like toddlers, they are screaming and throwing tantrums because they can. It is not good to cower before your toddler, and it is very bad to cower before your adult child when he is behaving like a toddler instead of an adult.

    Your child, like mine, needs to be held to adult standards of accountability. You are her mother. Like me, you need to learn how to stay steady state in the face of the wholly unanticipated situations our troubled kids present with.

    "It is wrong to speak to your mother as you do. Stop it."

    That helped me, too ~ to have a string of words to say. Variations on that theme will get you through. Hearing your own words to your child will stop the echoes of the pointlessly hurtful things she screams at you. It is a very true fact that no one should speak to her mother the way your child has been speaking to you ~ and that includes your own daughter.

    It will make all the difference in the world for you, I think, to begin seeing these episodes in this changed way. Changing my perspective on what was happening ~ changing from victim to centered adult ~ when my son was verbally abusing me helped me respond correctly.

    That is what we are looking for, here. How to walk through and function through what is happening with our kids without being destroyed inside in some essential way that leaves us so weak and puzzled and hurt that we can't function. Part of this understanding is knowing full well that if there is something we need to address with the kids, we have done that with integrity. I know I sound a little off-base here, but when a parent is down in the trenches the way we are, and when horrible, off the wall, absolutely unanticipated things happen to the kids...there are times when integrity, when knowing we are doing the best thing, or at least, the right thing, to the best of our ability to know what that is, may be the only thing we have left.

    I have been in that place.

    It is very hard to be in the kinds of relationships our troubled kids insist on. I am sorry this is happening, but I like your fiery spirit in refusing to accept it.

    Good for you!!!


    There is a better way. We just need to find it. The first step in finding a better way to do those things we are determined to do is to define the parameters of the problem. You have done that.

    You are doing well.

    You have zero control over what your daughter will dish out. You have every smallest breath of control in how you will respond, and in how you will come to think of yourself in relation to this difficult adult child that you love with your whole heart.

    You have courage. I see that in abundance in your post.

    Ha! I love that in you. As far as those who say you should not turn away? Your only response could be: "I love my daughter very much."

    That's it.

    That's all anyone has to know.

  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I don't want to rain on your parade and I hope things remain stable for a long time. But I come from a family of disordered people and although this doesn't mean I'm an expert on all unpredictable people, I don't want you to be unprepared and to get your hopes up so high that you hurt badly if this goes south again and fast.

    My experience with dysfunctional, disordered people (and I have issues too so I'm overly sensitive) is that they can be very nice for short and even long periods of time, but that eventually they snap on you and cut you out again. When I say "you" I don't mean YOU you, but in general. If you have ever read our Family of Origin thread (FOO) you will see that my sister has been in and out of my life depending on her mood and w him all of my life. I know she will never change now. She is too old and prefers to blame me for all of her wild "I'm in/I'm out" behaviors and that's ok. Because she is my sister, not my daughter, I'll never let her back in again to drop me again. Her cut offs could be one thing that I didn't even realize was in her rigid rule book of "wrong" behavior and she'd be gone for months or years.

    Then, when angry, she will tell everyone I am mentally ill, which is true. I have a mood disorder which is stable because of medication. But she means as in "she acts crazy." It's not her, it's me. Always.

    Fortunately, we don't have mutual friends. Everyone in my world is aware of my treated and stable mood disorder. Often she makes up her own diagnosis of what I have and spreads that, but, again, she tells people who don't care or know me.

    One thing it is good to accept, when we deal with loved ones who have this sort of "I love you/I hate you" behaviors is to always realize that although the person is nice today it could all go bad tomorrow and you may not even know why. It could be the type of FB message you send that she perceives as incorrect. This happened to me once after I sent my sister a birthday wish. I had no idea I'd done anything wrong until she called me up to yell at me over it.

    Be mindful and live one day at a time, always putting your focus on your own well being and that of your loved ones who are not so hard to figure out and can love without condition and who don't cause that on agani, off again angst. To over-focus on somebody with these tendencies is hurtful and unfair to yourself and to your other loved ones w ho don't do these things. Love her. Sure, she's your daughter. But don't let that blind you and don't expect the light to go on one day. She is who she is. She's not a kid anymore and has not really accepted any wrongfulness on her part. She puts it all on you and that's plain nonsense.

    Anyway, I'm glad things are in the eye of the hurricane now and hopej it lasts a long time. If not, be prepared. Put your heart on cautiously happy...for the moment...and enjoy your life no matter what your daughter's next move is. And don't let yourself be caught by surprise. Enjoy your grandchild whenever she is offered. Don't engage too much with your daughter. Anything you say can a nd will be used against you ;)