Need Some Suggestions, Please

[Bunny]

We have a timeshare in Disney World. We've taken the kids quite a few times, but it always ends up the same. difficult child throws tantrum after tantrum when he does not get his way (I want to do this NOW! I don't care what everyone else wants to do. Buy that for me NOW!! I don't want to wait until we're leaving the park). Some of the trips have been a little better than others, but in the end, he always has to be removed from the park, and I am the one who ends up going back to the hotel while everyone else (husband, easy child, in-laws) gets to stay and do all of the fun things with easy child.

One of the things that we do while we're there is get a room with a kitchen and we usually go back to the room in the afternoon, rest a while, have some dinner, and then try to go back out to the parks again to see the fireworks and stuff like that. Part of the problem is that once we get back to the room, difficult child never wants to go back to the parks. One year everyone left me in the room every night with the two kids while they all went out to play. It was not fun.

Last night husband asks me when we're going to go next year. Personally, I don't want to go. It's just not enjoyable for me anymore. But husband seems to have it stuck in his head that we have to go to Disney, even when there are other things we can do with our timeshare points. I want to go to the beach resort so that we could spend a week on the beach. Hopefully, more relaxing for me and far less over stimulating for difficult child, but that got shot down by all involved. It seems like I am the only one who likes that idea.

So, apparently, I am stuck going on this vacation that I really don't want to go on. Can anyone give me any suggestions as to how to keep difficult child calm and not ruin the vacation for the rest of us? Not going is not an option. husband and I had quite a few words about it last night and he says if we don't go we're going to lose the points and if we're not going to use the points then having the time share is a waste. I see his point, but I just don't have any fun with it.

 

[DDD]

Sounds like it is just too much for difficult child. I'm trying to do a quick brainstorm. Is it possible that you and difficult child could go to the pool in the evening? Chances are that it is less chaotic there and you might be able to get a glass of wine or big girl treat at poolside. Have you tried letting difficult child make a choice of staying in the room during the afternoon or in the evening? Could be two trips is too much. Does he do well with strangers? Some people I know have gotten Disney approved sitters for a few hours with-o problems. Any chance husband will swap off with you? Is there a game room available? Maybe difficult child would enjoy that if it's not too occupied.

Vacations with difficult child's often seem like more trouble than their worth. been there done that. Wish I had "the" answer. Hugs DDD

 

[Bunny]

Personally, my perfect answer would be not to go, but like I said, that's apparently not an option.

I know that the whole thing is way too much for difficult child, but husband seems to think that I'm wrong and that if I would just no anticipate his poor behavior (which I think is pretty hard) then difficult child would behave the right way.

He is old enough that if the rest of us want to go back out after dinner we can leave him in the room with husband's cell phone in case he needs to call me. What gets me are the tanrums in the middle of the parks when he does not get his way. I have sat him down and told him that I understand that he is excited and that there are lots of things that he wants to do. We all feel that way, and we will get to everything that he wants to see and do, but it may not be right when he wants to do it. We're usually six people so there are alot of people who want to do alot of things and sometimes what we want to do has to wait because we're doing something that someone else wants to do.

Then there are the times when someone wants to do something, like easy child wanting to go on a certain ride, and difficult child will walk off because to his that's a "stupid ride" and he doesn't think he should have to wait for the rest of us when we're going on a ride that he has no interest in. So, someone, usually, has to stay off the ride and sit with difficult child until the rest of the family comes off.

We seem to have found a way around the whole "buy me this right now" thing. What we've started doing is making a list. When either one of the kids sees something that they want we write it on their list. They don't get everything on their list, but at least it's all down on paper and we're able to look for specific things.

I'm just not looking forward to the whole thing and I haven't looked forward to it for the last few trips.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Just wondering... why on earth does the entire group of 6 people have to be doing everything "together"?
Split up - change up - meet back on a regular basis, compare notes...??

Also sounds like it could partly be a blood-sugar thing... either too much, or getting hungry, can really set a difficult child off.
Are you allowed to carry food in with you? i.e. healthy stuff to keep difficult child going?

 

[AnnieO]

Another thought, to go along with the lists...

Prepare in advance - get a map, have easy child and difficult child list what they want to ride/do (SEPARATELY). Figure out which ones are together. Then...

First few hours, you & husband take difficult child, inlaws take easy child. Do separate stuff. Next few, all meet up and do together stuff. Then give difficult child to inlaws, you take easy child, and do separate.

That should take you to midafternoon. Go rest for a while...

Night 1: you stay with difficult child at hotel.
Night 2: husband or inlaws stay, you go play.
Night 3: Inlaws or husband stay, you go play.
Repeat...

 

[DaisyFace]

Bunny--

Why do YOU always have to be the babysitter?

I think you need to make it clear that you are perfectly willing to go....but you are NOT NOT NOT spending one more Disney "vacation" being the babysitter so that everyone else can have a wonderful time.

1) Either husband agrees to be the sitter every time difficult child has an issue...

or

2) Hire someone to be difficult child's companion for the duration of the trip. That person can buy difficult child things NOW - and take him on the rides he wants NOW - and stay with him in the room with him when he does not want to go out.

 

[Malika]

I think you've had some good suggestions here. My own suggestion would be to fight for the beach holiday - sounds like much less stress and angst all round - but I understand that that may not be winnable.

 

[buddy]

I'm with Daisy... can you hire a personal support person (here it is 12 dollars an hour, you can negotiate a daily rate etc....) and let husband know that you are NOT going on the trip, period if this can't be worked out. He needs to take his turn monitoring and taking difficult child back.

Is it totally off the table not to change the vacation? WHY? (asks the not married, I get to pick what I do girl, so I get it that this may be a stupid question)

Can you negotiate an every other year beach/Disney (with support) vacation schedule. Sounds like husband is in denial of what is really going on here, age does not make the disability go away.

What do you do to prepare and schedule other events.? I love the idea of using the maps... (are there disney apps to get around the parks?) and since you can sign up to ride at a certain time now (right? that is how it is now....) it would be great to make a visual schedule to stick to for all of them.... Include when to buy things and when to eat. Would any of that help him? No matter what it is just so unfair in my eyes that you are the fall guy. I imagine part of that is you do it best, but part of it is that you allow it, right? What would happen if you refused? (I dont imagine that would be an easy thing to do, especially since difficult child could suffer for what the adults can't work out and then you just suck it up and fix it....)

What kind of melt-down plan and tools does difficult child have? Does anything work for him? We have things that work sometimes and other times, just have to ride it out and do what you do, leave.... usually saying we are going to leave turns mine around though. Probably an obvious you already tried this question but... Can you practice different scenarios for when to use those tool under which cirucmstances etc? It is just so hard in those kinds of overwhelming places. Does he respond to comic strip social stories where you can go thru the days and expectations etc.... if it is done for all of them then maybe he will not reject it because it is not targeted ...

"Our trip to Disney"
Fun things we can do....
etc... include we will have a schedule, we will have rules and we will get rewards for following the schedule and rules.

If we need a break this is what we do. If we dont like something, this is how we will ask.... etc...

I still like your idea of not even doing it...go to the beach. But the compromise that was suggested, they go to the parks you guys hang out at the pools is nice, except if my son knew everyone was going to Disney then that might not go over well. He would feel so left out. But maybe a one chance rule, if he can follow the family rules and schedule then he can go again but if not then it is pool, chill-out vacation instead.

 

[JJJ]

Fine. husband wants the trip and think handling difficult child should be so easy. Fine, go on the trip. YOU are in charge of easy child and husband is in charge of difficult child. THE WHOLE TIME

 

[Ktllc]

Another suggestion: you stay home and enjoy a staycation while everyone else go to Disney?? Everyone get their wish (almost!). But of course, difficult child goes with husband to Disney. Since he does not stressed over it, he will be fine, Right? There will be enough adults to handle the kids anyway.
Might not be ideal, but why not. It does not seem like this kind o f vacation as it is offers a lot of quality time for you and husband anyway.

 

[Bunny]

Thank you, everyone, for your suggestions. I appreciate.

Why and I always the one who gets stuck caring for difficult child? Mostly because I'm the one he wants and everyone else just leaves me with him. I did tell husband last night that if he made me go on this trip HE was going to deal with everything difficult child, the good, the bad, and the ugly.

I did tell him at one point (this conversation has been going on for a good part of this year. Last night he just decided that we needed to get things planned) and I have told him to go and take the kids and his parents. I could use a vacation from everyone anyway, but then husband shoots back at me that that makes me part of the problem. If I refuse to go difficult child thinks that I'm not going because of him (true) and that perpetuates the resentment that he has towards me and easy child because I would take easy child in a heartbeat. He's a joy bring anywhere. But that's another story.

husband spoke to his parents last night to see if they wanted to go and mother in law told him that she had to check with father in law because they had a wedding that they were invited to one of the weekends that we would be away, but they have not decided if they are going to go, and father in law is supposed to have some picnic or something. So, they may not go, which leaves me with even less adult help.

It's hard to practice what scenario will set him off because I never can tell. And we go over things BEFORE we go and even once we get there, but it seems like once we get there he forgets everything that we talk about. He just can't get control of himself. I've dragged that child out of the parks kicking and screaming. Really, who gets taken out of Disney World kicking and screaming?

We do brings snacks. Lots of them. And bottled water. We bring a backpack (I make husband carry it) that has snacks that both of the kids like (I make sure I have two of everything and if one eats his apple sauce or peanut butter crackers, then they can't have the one that I brought for the other. This was one can't say that I didn't bring a snack that the other one got).

I like the idea of looking through the maps. Maybe I can do that. I'm not sure if I can get maps of the parks before we get there, but I can get them when we get there and I can spread it out and show difficult child the things that we want to do. One of the things that difficult child always seems to want to do is something that is clear on the other side of the park. I always tell him that we will definately do what he wants to do when we get to that part of the park, but he wants to do it RIGHT NOW! Maybe if I show in the park on the map he will be able to see the section. That might not be something that he can visualize. That's a great idea.

Thanks. I appreciate the help. I just so do not want to go. I was supposed to call the time share place today to make the reservations, but I told husband that I'm not doing it. If he wants to take the vacation so badly I feel like making him make the reservations. Childish, I know, but I'm angry and hurt that he refuses to see how I feel about this. It's no vacation for me because I still have the kids to deal with. At least he gets week off from work. When does a stay at home mom get a vacation? The only vacations I have ever truly enjoyed were ones that my kids were not on.

 

[HaoZi]

Go on the vacation to Florida with them, yes. Let husband take them to Disney and YOU take YOU to a local day spa of your choice (and give them the name of that other one on the other end of town) or run down to Colonial Blvd and hit up Deanna's Tattoo Studio and get a tattoo for YOU and make a day for YOU.

 

[Bunny]

Thank you, Step. That's perfect!

 

[Andy]

We have been to Disney one time - when difficult child was 8 years old. He HATED Disney. Why? He thought it was going to be one large fair like atmosphere with tons and tons of rides - fast rides - like at the fair. I was so happy that most of the rides are tamer but there really wasn't much between the slower rides and the huge too fast for him rides. We had a time share that had a movie theater in it and of course, swimming pools. It was too cold for him to swim before we headed out for the day and when we returned at night so by the 3rd day, he was hiding under the bed refusing to come out. So so so unlike him. As the rest of the family went to the airport to get brother in law, I stayed back with difficult child to have a calm morning. He got to pick the movie and we had the "theator" to ourselves.

One day we all drove to Cocoa Beach and being it was the middle of January, the beach was deserted for the most part. The kids LOVED it. I can see them spending an entire week just on the beach.

I think the answer is acknowleding that Disney is not every kids' dream (which you have figured out but no one else gets it because their fun is not interrupted) - and if it is, it is often times crushed when they actually take in the activities. So much to choose from - so overwhelming. Go through the material with him or maybe he already has some favorite spots and come up with a schedule where he can have a slower less active plan for the day - more time at his favorite areas and divide the time amongst the adults to tag off on who gets to take him to what places and for how long. Give whoever the rule that that time is for difficult child only - do not try to get difficult child to do what they want to do. (My kids loved the water ride at Animal Kingdom - we spent a lot of time with them just doing that and even though they may have missed out on something else, no one cared - they were having fun - what they miss out on never came up). I would say 1/2 hour to 1 hour tops and then the next person takes over?

There is SO much at each of the parks that one can not get to everything. Our family enjoyed Animal Kingdom the most and went to it twice the week we were there. I had to advocate for difficult child to keep things slower than my sister in law and brother in law are used to (they travel the world and take in as much as they can where ever they are - just that as much as you can for a difficult child is not as much as other people).

You have a kitchenette - Does difficult child like to cook? Would he be happy spending the afternoons or mornings planning and preparing a meal for the day? (lunch one day, supper the next, ect.) Is there a pool that he would just like to hang out at? A game room? My difficult child really liked our time share and felt he was missing out when our original plans really didn't include down time at the timeshare.

So, come up with a schedule for difficult child and get the other adults to take their turns with him. Have some together times but also some individual time for everyone to do their own thing.

 

[susiestar]

Why not take a week and go somewhere while husband is with the kids or he has his parents or yours come to help? If you have a hobby like knitting or cross stitch or something, there are a LOT of weekend and week long retreats where you go do your thing and they have classes and projects lined up and usually a masseuse is available. At least take a weekend a couple of times a year if at all possible. Otherwise vacation is just a week of double headaches for a stay at home mom. You have all the problems and extra ones and fewer than your usual resources to deal with them!

Tell dht hat you don't CARE if difficult child wants you, HE must take care of difficult child when he tantrums or wanders off. This is YOUR year to enjoy the trip. Then comes the hard part - walking away when the fit starts and NOT handling it. Let husband handle it however he can as long as husband has the fallout from mistakes also. YOU go off in the night and do what you want with easy child or by yourself. Give husband some of what you have learned to dread about vacations. He won't like it, but he can't say it isn't fair.

ANd just because difficult child is upset that you won't do things iwth him that you would do with easy child is NO reason to totally not do those things. difficult child has to take some responsibility for the fact that his actions/choices make it very much not fun to do thngs with him. The consequence for having tantrums is that no one wants to do things with you. It is the logical and natural consequence.

the consequence for husband insisting that you go on this trip is that HE gets to do all the difficult child stuff. Just because it upsets difficult child that you don't do it does NOT mean that you cannot have a vacation every few years that YOU get to enjoy too. I am sorry this trip is not fun for you. I would probably send them ALL without me.