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<blockquote data-quote="RN0441" data-source="post: 707276" data-attributes="member: 15032"><p>So sorry you are here.</p><p></p><p>You said it yourself. You are enabling him to the nth degree.</p><p></p><p>He is not going to change so you have to. He is obviously abusing the Xanax. My son abused it also. I do know what I'm talking about and I am speaking from experience. I came to this forum and learned that I had to make some hard decisions to get my son to turn his life around. And it's been a very slow process but what we did is working. The solution became crystal clear. I just had to ask myself why we waited so long and what we were so afraid of!</p><p></p><p>I believe your therapist will tell you that you need to create healthy boundaries with your son and stop enabling him. It will be the hardest thing you ever have to do in your life BUT if you do not do this, you will be taking care of him for the rest of your life. He will never learn how to be an adult. When you are gone, then what will he do? It's easy to look the other way and pretend things are okay. Obviously they are not.</p><p></p><p>Our adult children need the boundaries as much or MORE than we do. You are doing everything for him so why does he even need to grow up? He is still in the same place he was in 16 years ago it sounds like. </p><p></p><p>We finally saw an addiction specialist last year at this time. We were at the end of our rope after almost 5 years of this. My husband (his father) wanted to throw my son out. He had been to rehab many times and would do good for some time when he came home and then go back to his old ways. We both agreed that we would DO whatever the addiction specialist told us to do. We knew SOMETHING had to change. We were told to tell him rehab or he has to leave. I was terrified. He chose rehab only because he had no place else to go. After 30 days of rehab we moved him 1400 miles away from us to sober living and he screwed up there too. He is slowly learning how to live independently and problem solve. We are helping him financially as long as he WORKS and goes to school. I am so glad that we had the COURAGE to do what we did. It wasn't easy.</p><p></p><p>It definitely sounds like your son needs rehab. He needs to get his head clear at least long enough to see what he is doing to himself. It's hard to watch our adult children try to destroy themselves. That is what your son is doing and it's hard to understand or know why. I still don't and probably never will.</p><p></p><p>Everyone's story is different here and different things work in different situations so keep reading and you'll start to understand what you are dealing with. Many others will be along to offer their advice. I do hope that you make some changes so that your son has a chance to get help and have a normal life.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="RN0441, post: 707276, member: 15032"] So sorry you are here. You said it yourself. You are enabling him to the nth degree. He is not going to change so you have to. He is obviously abusing the Xanax. My son abused it also. I do know what I'm talking about and I am speaking from experience. I came to this forum and learned that I had to make some hard decisions to get my son to turn his life around. And it's been a very slow process but what we did is working. The solution became crystal clear. I just had to ask myself why we waited so long and what we were so afraid of! I believe your therapist will tell you that you need to create healthy boundaries with your son and stop enabling him. It will be the hardest thing you ever have to do in your life BUT if you do not do this, you will be taking care of him for the rest of your life. He will never learn how to be an adult. When you are gone, then what will he do? It's easy to look the other way and pretend things are okay. Obviously they are not. Our adult children need the boundaries as much or MORE than we do. You are doing everything for him so why does he even need to grow up? He is still in the same place he was in 16 years ago it sounds like. We finally saw an addiction specialist last year at this time. We were at the end of our rope after almost 5 years of this. My husband (his father) wanted to throw my son out. He had been to rehab many times and would do good for some time when he came home and then go back to his old ways. We both agreed that we would DO whatever the addiction specialist told us to do. We knew SOMETHING had to change. We were told to tell him rehab or he has to leave. I was terrified. He chose rehab only because he had no place else to go. After 30 days of rehab we moved him 1400 miles away from us to sober living and he screwed up there too. He is slowly learning how to live independently and problem solve. We are helping him financially as long as he WORKS and goes to school. I am so glad that we had the COURAGE to do what we did. It wasn't easy. It definitely sounds like your son needs rehab. He needs to get his head clear at least long enough to see what he is doing to himself. It's hard to watch our adult children try to destroy themselves. That is what your son is doing and it's hard to understand or know why. I still don't and probably never will. Everyone's story is different here and different things work in different situations so keep reading and you'll start to understand what you are dealing with. Many others will be along to offer their advice. I do hope that you make some changes so that your son has a chance to get help and have a normal life. [/QUOTE]
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