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Need support- heart broken
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<blockquote data-quote="Nandina" data-source="post: 758175" data-attributes="member: 23742"><p>Trying, I feel for you. Recently my 19 year old son entered a year-long, faith-based rehab program after many, many calls to me similar to your son’s. I’ll tell his full story later on a different thread, but he surprisingly went from being a non-believer to now believing in a higher power. That was the incentive I had to recommend a faith based program. He had hit rock bottom and totally surprised me when he agreed to go. He knew he had to do something, and was sick and tired of his life. We dropped him off there one week ago. It‘s about 6 hours away.</p><p></p><p>But prior to finally agreeing to go, his calls were angry, whiney, self-pitying—such as your son’s. I sobbed many times after getting off the phone with him because he was in so much pain. He was also homeless and cannot live in our home and knows and accepts that. My response to him every time he called was to tell him, “I cannot help you until you make the decision to change your life.” “You know what you need to do.” And I told him when he is ready to do that, I will do everything in my power to help him. This is his first attempt at rehab though, so I am not completely worn out yet on that front.</p><p></p><p>I don’t mean to be harsh, but in my opinion your son keeps taking you down the rabbit hole with him and you are a willing participant. He cries and complains to you about how bad his life is and then essentially tells you he’s not going to do anything to improve it. Really? Still yet, he calls you, disrupts your life and wreaks havoc on your emotions, again and again and again. He is benefiting from your shoulder to lean on. He’s getting the benefit of comfort through your listening to his whining and crying while you are coming apart emotionally.</p><p></p><p>You don’t have to listen to him as you obviously know. And I don’t think you should. But there are ways to manage future situations without letting him continue to torture you with his barrage of drunken self-pity.</p><p></p><p>Have you tried a more “tough love” approach where you will only accept calls from him when he is sober? Right up front, if he is drunk, has been or is drinking when he calls, kindly say you will speak to him when he is sober, tell him you love him, say goodbye and hang up. Or you will speak to him only after he has decided to make a positive change in his life. That you can’t help him by listening to him cry and complain only to do nothing to help himself. Don’t engage with him. This is what is bringing you down. Just state the facts and be brief. No judgments, no arguments, no criticism.</p><p></p><p>If he selfishly disrespects those wishes and continues to call you while drunk or drinking, tell him ahead of time that you will stop taking his calls if it continues. And then, follow through.</p><p></p><p>I know this is HARD. But I really think you will feel better all around if you limit the length of the calls, explain why you are doing this and stay strong. Let it be on him to make a change if he wants to continue to communicate with you.</p><p></p><p>With these words I send much love and support to you. And a big hug.</p><p></p><p>Nandina</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Nandina, post: 758175, member: 23742"] Trying, I feel for you. Recently my 19 year old son entered a year-long, faith-based rehab program after many, many calls to me similar to your son’s. I’ll tell his full story later on a different thread, but he surprisingly went from being a non-believer to now believing in a higher power. That was the incentive I had to recommend a faith based program. He had hit rock bottom and totally surprised me when he agreed to go. He knew he had to do something, and was sick and tired of his life. We dropped him off there one week ago. It‘s about 6 hours away. But prior to finally agreeing to go, his calls were angry, whiney, self-pitying—such as your son’s. I sobbed many times after getting off the phone with him because he was in so much pain. He was also homeless and cannot live in our home and knows and accepts that. My response to him every time he called was to tell him, “I cannot help you until you make the decision to change your life.” “You know what you need to do.” And I told him when he is ready to do that, I will do everything in my power to help him. This is his first attempt at rehab though, so I am not completely worn out yet on that front. I don’t mean to be harsh, but in my opinion your son keeps taking you down the rabbit hole with him and you are a willing participant. He cries and complains to you about how bad his life is and then essentially tells you he’s not going to do anything to improve it. Really? Still yet, he calls you, disrupts your life and wreaks havoc on your emotions, again and again and again. He is benefiting from your shoulder to lean on. He’s getting the benefit of comfort through your listening to his whining and crying while you are coming apart emotionally. You don’t have to listen to him as you obviously know. And I don’t think you should. But there are ways to manage future situations without letting him continue to torture you with his barrage of drunken self-pity. Have you tried a more “tough love” approach where you will only accept calls from him when he is sober? Right up front, if he is drunk, has been or is drinking when he calls, kindly say you will speak to him when he is sober, tell him you love him, say goodbye and hang up. Or you will speak to him only after he has decided to make a positive change in his life. That you can’t help him by listening to him cry and complain only to do nothing to help himself. Don’t engage with him. This is what is bringing you down. Just state the facts and be brief. No judgments, no arguments, no criticism. If he selfishly disrespects those wishes and continues to call you while drunk or drinking, tell him ahead of time that you will stop taking his calls if it continues. And then, follow through. I know this is HARD. But I really think you will feel better all around if you limit the length of the calls, explain why you are doing this and stay strong. Let it be on him to make a change if he wants to continue to communicate with you. With these words I send much love and support to you. And a big hug. Nandina [/QUOTE]
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