Need support: it is hitting me

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by compassion, Feb 5, 2009.

  1. compassion

    compassion Member

    It has been quite a week. I am glad it si Nami group tonight :) She has been pleaing and pleaing for me to sign her out. I am holding firm. I have been starting to apply for SSI to pay for the Residential Treatment Center (RTC). It is eerily quiet. I hav eben having trouble sleeping. Thanks for being there. Comapssion
  2. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hang in there, mom. That calm is eerie, isn't it? Especially after you've been walking on eggshells for SO long. Try to relax and "enjoy" it while you can. You deserve a rest.
  3. hang in there mom! You know you have done the right thing, your daughter needs this! Be sure to take some time for yourself too.

    Good luck on the SSI.


  4. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Hang in there. Once the whining stops, expect the threats or bargaining to begin. Do not give in. Do not let her come home until she is stable and has been for some time. Nothing you do can help her right now. Stay strong. Repeat the Serenity Prayer and believe it. Hugs. I know it hurts.
  5. bran155

    bran155 Guest


    First off many (((HUGS))). We all will be here for you to lean on. No matter what she says, stay strong. If she is anything like my daughter she will say anything to get out of there. Just put it in your mind that it is all a part of her manipulation to get what she wants. Our kids have such a nack for that. They are very good at getting to our hurting hearts and guilting us. You did what you had to do for her. She needs to be safe. She is safe where she is. She is getting the help that she so desperately needs. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!! You will get throught this, I promise!!!

    Enjoy the quiet. Believe me it is a good thing. You deserve to have some peace in your household and so does the rest of your family. I know you are heartbroken, I have been there. But trust me this does get easier. You should go back and read all of my posts from when I first joined and then compare them to my posts now. It takes time but you will get stronger and stronger. Each hurdle gives you a bit more strength. You are doing a wonderful job!!!

    Hang in there. This won't be forever.

    Shawna :)
  6. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Compassion - a gentle hug to you. Everywoman is absolutely right. There seem to be phases as our kids adjust to being placed. I think my kid did it in different order - it's been almost 9 years and I thankfully don't remember the order exactly - but I think he did the bargaining first (I'll behave, Mom, I'll follow the rules, I'll do whatever you say) and then moved on to the crying/sobbing on the phone about how awful it was in Residential Treatment Center (RTC), how he missed us so much, how they were being so mean to him, etc. That was the hardest part, and this board literally carried me through that stage. I just so wanted to rescue him but... I couldn't. You have to remind yourself that you've made a committment to difficult child's treatment even if she hasn't yet. It doesn't matter what she promises or what she says, it will *not* be different at home if you bring her back prematurely.

    Stay in close contact with staff - call as often as you need to. I suspect you'll get a slightly different story from them about how difficult child is coping. I used to call staff near-hysterical after those tearful phone calls from difficult child, only to find out that he was happily playing in the main room on the unit.

    It takes a while to get used to the peace - and you have been so totally invested in your difficult child's recovery, I would imagine it's quite a shock to you right now. Give yourself time. Try not to feel guilty about smiling or laughing or enjoying something (took me about 6 months to get past that stage ;) ).

    We're here always to listen, support, whatever we can do. It's just not an easy thing to go through. Many gentle hugs to you.
  7. maril

    maril New Member

    Compassion: I second CrazyinVA's response to you. I would also like to offer support and solace to you. I am sure it is a difficult time, but this break may help you to regroup and maybe relax a bit. I sometimes experience trouble sleeping at night, too, and can relate.

    I was away for NINE DAYS last month -- was on a trip and my difficult child stayed with his sister. After resting and getting away from our depressing little nest, I certainly have a better attitude coming back, even though we face mostly the same old, same old here. I must admit, it was very hard to "give up control and let go" during that period (for fear of what he might do while I was gone) but I managed.

    I am sending wishes for better days ahead for you and your daughter. Please stay strong.
  8. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I'm sending strength, calm, peace, and a good night's sleep.
    And lots of luck. :)
    STAY STRONG!!!! You can do it.
  9. luvmyottb

    luvmyottb Guest

    You have been through such a stressful time with your difficult child, I am not surprised you have trouble sleeping. Please for her sake, stay strong. Do you need some medications to alleviate some of your stress and to help with sleep? Too often we don't take care of ourselves because we are so wrapped up in difficult child world.

    I hope your situation improves soon. Hugs.
  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Gentle hugs and TONS of support. Remember that she is where she needs to be. Always check with staff after she gives you her tearful story, and especially with any stories of abuse. I know we had a few stories of Wiz being "abused" and there was a nurse I trusted so I would call her. Each and every time it was being denied something or being forced to make healthy choices for meals (couldn't have 3 desserts was one of his "abuse" cries - plenty of other food he LIKED available, so he was not starving!).

    Don't worry about "bothering" the staff - they may or may not be used to parents who are involved and worried, but it isn't your problem.

    Keep going to NAMI and AlAnon and any other support groups. Keep posting to us. And Keep her in the facility until she is healthy enough to have the doctor say she can go home.

  11. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Getting her out - would reaffirm bad habits and nothing will ever change for either of you.


  12. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

  13. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    This is a much needed next step.
    If you need to, turn up the TV, turn on the radio... make some noise. If the silence is too much, fill the house with pleasant noise.
    Noise that makes you smile.
    I know things are hard on your heart right now, but please take a moment to treat yourself, you have had such a hard time. You have been giving so much of yourself, give a little to yourself!
    Even if it is just a candy bar in front of the TV with your feet up. A bowl of ice cream!
    A trashy mag and a special treat! A movie anything, just for you!
  14. compassion

    compassion Member

    Thanks all. Oh, she is th maser of manipulation!!!! I did what alot of you said: checked it out: and she was doing fine but oh was she negoitating, bargaining, throwing these enorumous fits. The last one was becasue they won't let her have outside food in. Eventually, she will reach a level and be able to go out int he community but for now, this is what she is dealing with.
    Here is the kicker for me: she goies I am going to sign myself out. This place is not a Baker Act facility and I was rally getting hooked and terrified for her (boy this will show me a lot of the buttons I get hooked by) that she would be Baker acted into this scary faiclty but I keep detatching.
    When I talk kto the staff, she is adjusting doing better. With me, she is pestering, baderging, the same stuff she alwsy does aroudn here. ILast night at Nami, thsi woman facitator who husband is bipoalr and who did dimalty terrifying stuff like holding them hostage ( difficult child did this to us last week) , supported me to not take all of her pain on. Yes, it si painful for her. She creid and pleaded and negoitqated for hurs and I have hung firm. Boy, was she pulling my guilt buttons. I kept putting it back on her:I am trying to have her tratment be between the tratment staff and her. I am in no way abanding her.
    She will have conswuences for actins there and that can be apinful to watch. I have alwys homeshoole dher: I hav ebeen so involved always and the other Nami woman pointed out to me I am sitll her huge advocate.
    She has a lot of learning essues and has never beenin a trational school and there is a lot of eanxity about dealing with that. I am insitng on advocating, continuing somewhat what we have been doing for 3 years.
    It is a huge adjustment for all of this. She kept scraming over nad over, I never thought you would actually do this.
    I am holding firm and I am also going to set boundaries of how long I can listen to it. I may set a boundary that I will listent o her vent for like 5 minutes and then must talk about aothr stuff.
    Her coping skills have been get frustated, over stimualted and then vent on me. I have tried to help her deal with this for so many years.
    She did say one of her tratment goals was getting out of the emtinal blackmail.
    I am grivng, I knwo tht is normal.
    Another thing, is they are saying 6 months and from this list aI havf elearned taht I am NOT agreeing to her have back in unless it is safe for us.
    Honestly, I doubt she wil be at a place in 6 months, but one day at a time.
    She is very rapid cycling BiPolar (BP) , plus the conduct disorder and subtance abuse. I am goign to contue practice detatchment!!!!
    It will take tiem to allow me to enjoy the relif and quiet. I guress I do feel guilty. That is pattern aof mine. A lot of you were right on, I do feel bad about enjoying myself espeically when she is expressing so much pain. Yet, I do need this space. I cannot beleive all we hav ebeent hgouh with her stealing, runnign awysw, legal problems, acting out, and now dealing eith Residential Treatment Center (RTC).
    At the same time, Iwas trying so hard to keep her in hralthy activites. So now, I am sitll trying to figure out how to deal with the voleyball coaches, the voice teacher. I am uncofroatable being ttoalyy up front. The volyball athletic director has been grooming her to be on his varsity team for next fall for years. He wants to know if there id anything he can do. I cannot promise she wil be well enough to paly varsity n the fall. The voice teacher, is like can she come in for make up lesson this month :(. It is very wierd to have her off the radar. Same with church activites. I worked so hard keeping her in healthy stuff and she insistd the last 8 months: I ralize a lt is her isllness/subatance abuse but she is now crying over voeyball/music when she has been refusing to partipate and the safety level had to come first.
    The six months there will be a huge adjsutment and difficult for her but heopfully helpful At the very least, she is off the strrts, not runnning away, doing drugs.
    I really don Occupational Therapist (OT) know what is realistic. I would still like her to have the optin of doing the academic programat the colelge she wanted to do but the rality is she has been so ill with the mania, runnign way, and hung over from substances, little academic stuff has been able to get accomplished. Plus, I have alsys tailoed it to her so there is a lot of anxity for me about this. I know AI wil have to adovacate tons for her. We so an online school and I have been keeping up wih the work and will try to be ralistic.
    She is just getting out of pyschoitc mania episode. She is ttoaly bored but thiat tis part of the process. The level of stimualtion: the law braking substance abuse and running away, etc., it will take tiem to withdraw from that.
    Thanks support group. Compassion
  15. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Compassion - what we've done in terms of when people ask where difficult child is, is just tell them he's in a boarding school. Strictly speaking, it's not a fib because he's being boarded where there's a school. Absolutely no reason to share the details if you're not comfortable doing so. Another reason for the boarding school explanation was that my difficult child has the right to privacy - if he wants to share the details, that's up to him, but we weren't going to be telling the community anything about his placement. It was also easier on the sibs when they were asked where their brother was.

    Hang in there - one day at a time.
  16. maril

    maril New Member

    Compassion: Of course, this situation is very difficult for you. My heart goes out to you as a mom, who understands your pain.

    I am so happy to have a place like this to come to. It does help to have the support and suggestions of others.

    It has only been a few days since your daughter was admitted? Maybe each day will be a little easier as it all sinks in, she adjusts, and you adjust. I understand your concern about school and activities but those things can be dealt with as you go; she can work towards those pursuits once she is stabilized.

    My son, difficult child, has been through a number of transitions in the past year. He has changed schools twice (performance and compliance issues), has lost jobs, quit participating in sports, had a psychiatric hospitalization, and has participated in a D&A outpatient program. I certainly can understand that it must be very difficult to be a teen these days let alone a teen with extra challenges. My heart does go out to these kids.

    All things considered, we advocate moms/warrior moms do have to "take care of ourselves," too. Easier said than done sometimes, I know. ;)

    Take care. I hope today is a better day for you.