Need to ask forgiveness?????

[Star*]

Well there is one point of view no one has brought up. And I'll bring it up because it really was a revelation and a chance for me to begin healing when I doubted myself a lot.

I asked my therapist - Do you think I've done everything I could possibly do to help my kid? Is there something else? Was it me?

And my therapist replied - I've never in my life met a mother who went to the lengths you have gone through to help their son/child. If there is something else - I don't know what it would be.

(then a long silence between us)

Then he said - "Have you ever considered where he would be today if you hadn't done any of the things you did?"

-(no, I really hadn't) Instead of giving myself () much credit for being a good parent and doing what I KNEW I could do, and reading, and looking and searching and listening to the "professionals" - I instead kept saying IT MUST BE ME.

And when I thought about where my son would be if I had done NOTHING?

I knew he would be either in prison for life, or dead.

So when I second guess that I didn't do things right - I tell myself I may not have done it all right - but what I did was more than nothing - and quite a lot considering I had NEVER dealt with a child like a difficult child.

It's okay to allow yourself to feel good about what you did. Because you did at the time what you thought was the best.

Hugs - strenght - looking ahead.

Star

 

[Suz]

Good point, Star.

The woman who adopted Rob's sister said something similar to me at one point. She said that Melody was the most difficult child she had ever raised. This from a woman who has adopted so many at-risk kids I've lost track....at least 13, plus 3 bios kids of her own.

Anyway, when Rob was sent away she said "Suz, you might never know what impact you've had on Rob's life. Maybe he will only have one prison term instead of two. Or maybe he will get life in prison instead of the death sentence."

She was (sort of) kidding, I'm sure, because at the time I could barely lift my head from the floor I felt so devastated. But her message was of some consolation and I pass it on to you for your consideration as well.

You have spent way too much time second guessing decisions you can't take back now. It is time for forward-thinking, not regrets.

Suz

 

[hearts and roses]

I've never in my life met a mother who went to the lengths you have gone through to help their son/child. If there is something else - I don't know what it would be. Have you ever considered where he would be today if you hadn't done any of the things you did?"

H has said that to me many times - usually when I'm doubting myself. Great point Star.

 

[DammitJanet]

Stands....I dont know your upbringing but maybe you would consider getting a book about dealing with your Inner Child and healing that hurt inner child. It might give you a deeper insight into why you are the way you are today, the way you have parented, why your kids are the way they are and so on and so forth. Maybe you can pass on a book like that to your son at some point in his recovery when he is at the point to accept it. I would also get the walking on eggshells book about borderlines for pointers on dealing with your son.

Honestly if I thought you could get the same exact reaction out of your son on house arrest that we have with Cory, then it wouldnt be a problem but Cory has never reacted normally to anything. For the first time in years I am seeing emotional growth in leaps and bounds. I am not afraid for him or of him. He is afraid for himself and that is exactly as it should be.

 

[NOLA]

I just wanted to say how much I enjoyed reading the responses on this thread. While I totally agree with witz about the issues of obsessive thoughts & not letting go of the past, etc., require professional treatment versus the dialog on this chat board, you guys are incredibly insightful and wise – I seriously doubt any better counsel & guidance will be given by a “professional”.

I’ve had all of those thoughts about the ‘what if I had ….’, ‘I should have …..’ ‘why didn’t I insist on……..’ – it can really drive you crazy. Stands, I even wrote down all of my parenting errors and referred to my list while having a long talk with my son. I basically acknowledged the things I regret for not doing a better job at. Things like not being consistent enough with punishment; not being a better advocate for him in school; etc. He listened to me pour my heart out and told me not to blame myself for any of his issues. Did this conversation change any of his behaviors? Absolutely not. My son doesn’t think he has any problems, LOL. But, it helped me to write it down and move on. I know our situation is different from yours but the overall theme is the same.

It’s kind of funny to think about it this way, but I had this thought after reading all of the responses you received. I think we can assume that all of the parents on the substance abuse & emeritus boards have been blessed with a difficult child. We can’t help blaming ourselves for our children’s shortcomings (whatever the issue - drugs, no motivation, poor communication skills, wanting everything now but not wanting to work for it) – we love them and want only the best for them. It’s only natural to think we must have done something wrong. But I know some parents who have seemingly successful kids going off to college now. Their kids don’t have a drug problem. Their kids don’t continue to sabotage themselves over and over again. Were they just better at parenting? Do they love their kids more? Do they know a secret that all of us here missed? NO NO NO.

I think the fact that we are on this board seeking the advice of others and trying to better ourselves is a testament to the fact that most of us probably were and continue to be ‘good’ at parenting. I’d venture to guess we all have a library of ‘parenting’ books, ADHD books, how to deal with this or that, troubled teens, etc. Some of the parents mentioned above wouldn’t dream of blaming themselves or even read a book on parenting. Some kids grew up with abuse, neglect, and worse but somehow succeed in this life. Some kids have loving parents who would move mountains for them yet they remain difficult children.

I think we are probably guilty of trying too hard.

 

[witzend]

Amen, Star.

 

[everywoman]

Years ago, when my biodad was in dad mode---which wasn't often in my life---we spent some time together going to a concert.
First, I must digress. Now, this man was married four times. The first was to my biomom--he was 17, she was 15---they obviously weren't ready for marriage or children. They divorced when I was 6. He remarried right away. That didn't last long. He remarried again when I was about 10. She brought to the marriage 3 daughters. My dad raised them as his own---now take in mind his parents were raising my sister and I. He divorced her when I was 25. Shortly after I married husband. Then he met his final wife---They married in 1990. He died in 2000. She brought to the marriage a son and daughter. Again, he took the daughter in as his own and raised her.
Anyway, between each marriage he would waltz back into our lives and play daddy. And we always accepted him. So, for a year after I divorced ex he and I spent a lot of time together. We were riding to a George Jones (yeah, he was also the original redneck) concert one night and he grabbed my hand. He said, "I know that I owe you a big apology, but if I've learned one thing in my life, it's that if I allow it, guilt about my behavior will eat me alive. So, I don't apologize because it doesn't change a dam*ed thing---I just wanted to let you know that I know that I was wrong."
That was it.
Of course his pattern continued even after his death---when he left everything he owned to wife #4 and his daughter. But...

I think that we do what we do, we learn, we grow, we move on. Unless, like my dad, we choose to do the wrong thing. I have never tried to do the wrong thing by difficult child. I have no regrets. He doesn't owe me an apology. What he has done has harmed him much more than it has me---even though it hurts my heart.

 

[standswithcourage]

Well I agree with everyone! Yes - I have asked my therapist before if I had done everything I could to help? Is there anything else I should do? They always said no - I have never seen anyone do as much as you have to help - sometimes I have helped too much - but always no one has ever seen anyone go to the lengths as I have tried to do - even my very good friends - they say let it go - my friends that have known my difficult child forever and know that he was and maybe still is a good person - anyway - thanks for all the comments - I am not standing in the way of the decision the court will make - I have not contacted anyone - I just hope he has a plan for if they release him with time served and probation - what a disaster - it is like letting a sick person back out on the street - doesnt make any sense but I guess it is up to him - if he knows he sick then he needs help - he said something in one letter about needing guidance from me and God - well we have been trying to guide him forever - he refused it and chose drugs instead - how does he think I am supposed to believe that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! God maybe - but me no - I will hang in here and go on with my life - I am looking forward to going to the beach before this summer is over and if they ever come and refinish my hardwood floors before I go nuts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[judi]

I've been watching this thread for a few days now wondering if I should post. My son is now 23, we are not in contact (have spoken twice in last 7 months). I came here at my lowest point with him when he was almost 16. Many of you older ladies remember the many hospitalizations, medications, counselors, school placements, RTCs, etc..

The bottom line is we did what we could do at the time...do I regret some of it? You bet. However, even now I don't know what I would have done differently.

Did any of it help? Nope. But then again, as far as I know he is alive and with that there is hope.

 

[standswithcourage]

Absolutely. If he is alive, there is hope. That is what I think too. My son was just sentenced to one year. I dont even know what that means - one year what? I found that out on the website for the detention center.