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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 627835" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>COM, we adopted a child from another country at age six. I now see how unwise that was...imagine not having known your child and he not having known you until age six and he comes as he is. He was legally my child and, without going into detail other than older adopted kids often just can not attach, I have not spoken or seen him for six years. I doubt I ever will. I'm not sure I even want to anymore. Although I do believe strongly in a Higher Power, I do also believe that people do what they want and he is an angry middle age man who has shunned everyone in our family except ex.</p><p></p><p>I absolutely grieved for a few years and went to special counseling for those with adopted children problems (he helped a lot) and now I actually feel no grief at all, but have moved on and...it's weird...maybe because I know it's final, I focus entirely on the kids/grandkids who love me. His siblings would never accept him again if he did come back and he and he and I have such widely divergent religious beliefs...it doesn't matter to me, but I know it matters to him that I am not one who thinks as he does. I can't see how it would work. Too much pain. I have decided to think of him as a foster child who has left the nest and done very well financially and has a loving wife and two cute kids. There is definitely grieving when you lose somebody, even if it's not to death, but eventually it does fade, especially if the last memories were of abuse from that person. At least, it did work out that way for me. I don't even list him in my signature because legal means nothing if he doesn't feel a connection. And although I loved him as though I'd given birth to him and still love him from afar, I don't really think of him as my son anymore either. It's been too long. We have no relationship. Can't keep up that family feeling if you don't even have a BAD relationship. So...yeah, I tell people I have four children and two grandchildren when legally that is not correct, but...oh well.</p><p></p><p>I shared that because I saw that you were horrified that the mom hadn't seen her kid in twelve years and wanted to let you know that it happens (more than we think as I found out in group therapy) and that it's possible to move on even from that. It is always good to hope, if that is what you want to happen. When I found out the embarrassing and hateful things he did when I was trying to make amends...and the lies he told to his wife so that she is afraid of me (which is laughable...by the way, she really met me twice only), I don't want to risk my heart to him again. The mother of the kid who is gone twelve years...what a jerk he must be to cut his mother out and willingly be punishing her all those years. Would she be better off with him? We don't know the story. I wish her well though. But I believe...</p><p></p><p>Even an adult child can be so toxic that one can say "Enough is enough."</p><p></p><p>At this point in my life, I have reached a great deal of serenity and happiness in my environment most of the time. It is better for me to have judgmental Scott and my sister out of my life. It isn't always a bad thing not to see even a person you love very much...and I love them both.</p><p></p><p>But I don't MISS Scott, even though I'm glad he's doing well. And in the end, I will not miss my sister either.</p><p></p><p>Sorry I highjacked the thread. I just felt the need to vent. I will go silent now.</p><p></p><p>Teary-eyed, I have cried many tears myself and am so sorry for your hurting mommy heart. Hang in there.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 627835, member: 1550"] COM, we adopted a child from another country at age six. I now see how unwise that was...imagine not having known your child and he not having known you until age six and he comes as he is. He was legally my child and, without going into detail other than older adopted kids often just can not attach, I have not spoken or seen him for six years. I doubt I ever will. I'm not sure I even want to anymore. Although I do believe strongly in a Higher Power, I do also believe that people do what they want and he is an angry middle age man who has shunned everyone in our family except ex. I absolutely grieved for a few years and went to special counseling for those with adopted children problems (he helped a lot) and now I actually feel no grief at all, but have moved on and...it's weird...maybe because I know it's final, I focus entirely on the kids/grandkids who love me. His siblings would never accept him again if he did come back and he and he and I have such widely divergent religious beliefs...it doesn't matter to me, but I know it matters to him that I am not one who thinks as he does. I can't see how it would work. Too much pain. I have decided to think of him as a foster child who has left the nest and done very well financially and has a loving wife and two cute kids. There is definitely grieving when you lose somebody, even if it's not to death, but eventually it does fade, especially if the last memories were of abuse from that person. At least, it did work out that way for me. I don't even list him in my signature because legal means nothing if he doesn't feel a connection. And although I loved him as though I'd given birth to him and still love him from afar, I don't really think of him as my son anymore either. It's been too long. We have no relationship. Can't keep up that family feeling if you don't even have a BAD relationship. So...yeah, I tell people I have four children and two grandchildren when legally that is not correct, but...oh well. I shared that because I saw that you were horrified that the mom hadn't seen her kid in twelve years and wanted to let you know that it happens (more than we think as I found out in group therapy) and that it's possible to move on even from that. It is always good to hope, if that is what you want to happen. When I found out the embarrassing and hateful things he did when I was trying to make amends...and the lies he told to his wife so that she is afraid of me (which is laughable...by the way, she really met me twice only), I don't want to risk my heart to him again. The mother of the kid who is gone twelve years...what a jerk he must be to cut his mother out and willingly be punishing her all those years. Would she be better off with him? We don't know the story. I wish her well though. But I believe... Even an adult child can be so toxic that one can say "Enough is enough." At this point in my life, I have reached a great deal of serenity and happiness in my environment most of the time. It is better for me to have judgmental Scott and my sister out of my life. It isn't always a bad thing not to see even a person you love very much...and I love them both. But I don't MISS Scott, even though I'm glad he's doing well. And in the end, I will not miss my sister either. Sorry I highjacked the thread. I just felt the need to vent. I will go silent now. Teary-eyed, I have cried many tears myself and am so sorry for your hurting mommy heart. Hang in there. [/QUOTE]
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