Need to stay strong....need a steel spine....

[PatriotsGirl]

difficult child texted me this morning asking if I would contact the program director at old sober house. I said I would, but that she will want to hear from difficult child. difficult child did try calling her twice on Friday but I don't know if she left a voicemail.

She tells me she has had the worst night's sleep and needs a shower. She then asked me if there was any way that I would pay for her to stay in a motel room for two nights until she saw her probation officer in two days. I refuse. I have paid for many motels and I am tired of doing that. It is a waste of money and nothing changes. I told her I would pay her admission into treatment, but that I was not blowing through thousands like I did before to only have her walk away from it all. She will have to actually look for and get a job to support herself.

She tells me, "Mommy, I intend on staying there. I can't keep worrying about this anymore. I need to focus on me and the baby. I can't be selfish anymore. I need somwhere to go for the next two days. The place I am staying at doesn't even have water."

So I ask her if she can call her Probation Officer to get recommendations, because I am concerned old Program Director won't let her back after the whole gang members were after her thing. I also give her the number to call St. Jude's Recovery - I told her to tell them she is pregnant and needs help.

So her text back is "F this, F everything, I am going to throw myself in front of a train, I want to die. I have lost everything in a week. I just want my boyfriend back. I hate having to cut to numb the pain and all I have is myself to blame."

This is very clearly manipulation at its best, right? She expected me to come rescue her and pay for her to have a place to stay and got angry when I was not about to do it. I told her that she was obviously not serious about getting help, that she was clearly trying to manipulate me into rescuing her and doing everything FOR her. I told her if she is serious about getting help, SHE needs to do the work this time. NOT ME.

Am I wrong here?

 

[DaisyFace]

(((Hugs)))

You are NOT wrong.

One way or another, your difficult child has to learn to grow up - and darn soon!

 

[ThreeShadows]

I admire your resolve. It's not easy when you are dealing with a pregnant difficult child. You are fast becoming a role model for invertebrates. You go girl!

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Hmmm, to further prove my point.....the ONLY phone calls she has made today?? Trying desperately to reach baby daddy, ME and Motel 6.

No calls to program director, PO, or any one else to try to help HERSELF.

So aggravating. I see right through her. She wants to be taken care of. She wants life to just happen to her rather than her having to expel any energy. I see right through her manipulations. She told me what I wanted to hear in hopes it would get her a motel room for a couple of days. UGH. I WANT her to be uncomfortable. It is the only way she will get motivated to a dang thing.

 

[AmericanGirl]

PG,

It looks like manipulation. You are being very wise. I'm glad she has other options and hope she will use them.

My difficult child would yell the loudest often before he finally made progress. For you to give in because she cursed you out will only teach her that behavior works.

this has to be horribly difficult. How are YOU?

Praying...

 

[PatriotsGirl]

How are YOU?

I was actually doing good until this point. husband and I made a decision to get our dream camper. We only have easy child home for another few years before he is gone. He may camp with us this year, but after that husband and I will pretty much be on our own. We are so excited!!! We went looking at several over the weekend but I found the one I want in a town about 2.5 hours away. We are going to go look at it this weekend and hopefully purchase it.

And then I hear from difficult child and feel beyond guilty that we are about to spend about 10k on another home and difficult child has no where to stay. I have to keep telling myself that SHE has to be the one to make change and it is a result of HER choices that have her where she is today. Doesn't stop the guilt, though....but I would pay for her entry into rehab in a heartbeat if she was serious and put some effort into it. But I am not going to crazy buying all these groceries and clothing, etc. She will have to prove she is serious before I do that again...

 

[Nancy]

PG I do believe strongly that this is manipulation. She is not calling for help, she is calling to get what she wants. Proof that the only calls she is making is to you, baby daddy and the hotel.

Do NOT feel guilty about going on with your life. Your easy child needs and deserves that. And your difficult child needs to see that you are doing just that.

I'm sorry that her head is still stuck in the sand and she is not moving forward but don't jump in now after all the progress you have made.

 

[AnnieO]

Go get that camper and the heck with difficult child and her dramaramaconflama. Seriously, she has made her choices, and she is still trying to manipulate you. Let the guilt go - how much extra have you spent on her BS that you could have spent on easy child, husband, yourself...?

 

[Kathy813]

So her text back is "F this, F everything, I am going to throw myself in front of a train, I want to die. I have lost everything in a week. I just want my boyfriend back. I hate having to cut to numb the pain and all I have is myself to blame."

Textbook manipulation . . . I have heard the same words over and over again (without the cutting). Mine used to give me a deadline when I wouldn't give into something that she wanted as in "Well, it will all be over on Friday anyway."

You are doing the right thing. Your difficult child knows what she had to do to get help. If she really wanted it, she would show up at the door of the former sober house asking for help to get clean and sober.

Stay strong and enjoy that camper!! You deserve it.

~Kathy

 

[StressedM0mma]

I agree with Step. Go and get that camper!! You deserve it. difficult child is trying to manipulate the heck out of you. Let her do the work. You know longer "owe" her anything. Hugs to you.

 

[AppleCori]

I'm with you!

Someone once asked a wise person how to know if he was doing the right thing. He said that among all the choices, the right thing is usually the hardest one.

((((hugs))))

 

[recoveringenabler]

PG, no you're absolutely right. That whole scenario is right out of the difficult child manipulation handbook, page 37 where it says:

*ask for something,
*be told no,
*make it a drama where in some fashion you are at risk........
*make mom feel sorry for you and feel if mom doesn't do something, a horrible fate will befall you........
*while mom is busy visualizing your funeral or hospital stay or street walking,
*you grab the check/cash/car and run.

My second response, from my recent experience, is that it is as if we have to plug up all the loopholes, make sure there are no broken fence slats around us, or the difficult child will find said loophole or broken slat and squeeze in with a new attempt at manipulation. Manipulation is a lifestyle choice, the way needs get met, I think it's natural for them to go that route. Which makes a great case for us using our detachment tools to plug up all the holes, mend the fences around us, so that someday, there will be no more ways, no more little crevices to sneak through, all loopholes will be plugged. And, then, either they find a new person to manipulate, learn better ways to connect with us, or whatever, but the first choice won't be, let me go manipulate Mom. What I am seeing is that the manipulation is pretty much over now....... I am out of the game. I think your first gut response was right on.

Oh, go get the camper, as Calamity Jane told me when I was feeling guilty about spending money on myself when my difficult child is in such dire straights.........what are you going to do, wear a hair shirt? Well, that made me laugh and has become my new visual whenever I have that pang of guilt........HUGS...

 

[Kathy813]

That whole scenario is right out of the difficult child manipulation handbook, page 37 where it says:

*ask for something,
*be told no,
*make it a drama where in some fashion you are at risk........
*make mom feel sorry for you and feel if mom doesn't do something, a horrible fate will befall you........
*while mom is busy visualizing your funeral or hospital stay or street walking,
*you grab the check/cash/car and run.

My difficult child has the same handbook. They must hand it out in difficult child school.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Lol I love it! Sooo true!! Thank goodness easy child did not get that handbook. He truly is such a joy to have as a child. The difference is amazing, yet, I love them both with all my heart.

I think I am getting closer to true detachment...

 

[Signorina]

Love to you...you are a warrior mom! Stay strong, SHE needs to bear the fruit of her decisions. It's your best and only hope for helping her. Not easy by any stretch, but you know in your heart that if you dropped everything and answered her needs, it wouldn't change anything. It would just push of the detachment until "maybe next time. " You are a wonderful mother - please know that. Xo

 

[Kathy813]

Maybe there is a Kindle edition.

 

[FlowerGarden]

It must be so hard for you but you are doing the right thing. You are a terrific parent. Hugs to you.

 

[toughlovin]

Oh PG... this stuff is so excrutiating!! You know I have been there done that (except for the pregnancy part). It is so darned hard on us moms. You are doing a great job.... and really at this point I believe her ONLY chance is for her to come to the realization that you won't rescue her and that she has to save herself. The process of her getting to that point is so hard on you but keep that in mind and help it stick to your resolve.

And yes get the camper.... you and husband need to take care of yourselves (and easy child) at this point. It is not like you are going to give her the money for a place to live? That would be pure folly of course. She needs to make the choice to get help.

TL

 

[DaisyFace]

Maybe there is a Kindle edition.

HaHaHaHaHa!!! So funny...

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Saw difficult child the other day....she is starting to show and won't consider not having it now...she has tried calling rehab here and there. I told her they want to know that she is serious and will probably wait until she has called enough to believe she is serious. She looked so lost. But I am standing firm. She tried asking for thirty five dollars door another night at the motel and I said no. I told her the only thing I will pay for is rehab.
So, the grandbaby is going to be a reality....I pray that child is miraculously healthy.... :-(