need to vent

[rejectedmom]

As you may remember easy child/difficult child is in a psyc treatment center and has been for over a month now. I have POA and have been sorting out his financials, insurance, tax audit dealing with his doctors and counsilors and social workers and many other things as well as doing all the christmas shopping and prep and getting the house ready for easy child/difficult child to move back in with us so we can rent his place out. husband goes to work...that is it.

When all this started husband told me he would give me whatever support or help I needed from him. Well, whenever I call him during the day, he is too busy to talk. so I have to wait till evening. He is gone all week and only comes home on weekends. It has been this way (as per his choice not mine) our entire marriage of 40 years. I am tired of doing everything and husband knows it. So tonight I told him all I had accomplished this week and what I needed him to do this weekend. His response? He is going to get a haircut and go visit his father in the nursing home.

I told him that I knew he was going to take what I was about to say wrong but that I needed to say it, I told him that he often goes 3-4 months without seeing his father (I usually have to push and prod him to go) yet as soon as I need him for something, he says he has to go for a visit. I told husband that I did not mind him visiting his father but that I did mind him using it as an excuse to avoid unpleasant tasks. I also told him that I hated that he continues to set me up in this way to look like the bad guy when it is he that is in the wrong. I said that he could visit his dad next week after we got everything done that needed to be done for our son who is to be released on Thursday. husband's response? He got up and went to bed without a word. Yep, he left me alone stressed out and stewing to myself. So now I'm going to have to find a handy man to finish up the bathroom this week so I can move back into my bedroom and give son the guest room. I'll also have to see if the hired man will move the furniture for me.

I am mentally and physically exhausted and have been having heart problems as a result. The doctor is fiddling with my medications trying to find a mix that will prevent my heart from flipping out while at the same time suppressing my thyroid so I do not get more growths and also controll my blood sugar. My arthritis is flaring again and I am in alot of pain and my husband is acting like a big fat selfish jerk. He is a selfish difficult child, he always has been. I know that, but it still hurts to need a real partner and not have one... Know what I mean??

My doctor gave me a big hug when I saw him this week because he can see what I am dealing with. But husband? Well he is all about playing the marytr and making things all about him. husband says that we will never travel again now because of our son. He is walking around with this huge cloud over his head. He is all doom and gloom and so totally not what I or easy child/difficult child need. I just want to smak some sence into him.

Whew! Thanks ladies...I needed to get that off my chest.

 

[crazymama30]

Hugs. I wish your husband could give you more support. Try to do something just for you. It is hard, but it does help.

 

[Liahona]

to your husband. Mine is a difficult child too. I sympathize.

 

[buddy]

Huge hugs. You do need your partner in life to be a true partner. To follow his wedding vows, to support you. I wanna kick him in the pants a little to wake him up. Can he go to your doctor and get the real deal on how sick you are, and what he must do....he could lose you and then he is gonna have to do it ALL himself! I dont remember the details, if he is gone that much, will you be safe at home with difficult child? I hope he is doing well. So at the end of your post... I suppose husband refuses to go see a psychiatrist or even a family doctor for depression????

 

[Bunny]

((((hugs))))! I can sympathize with you. I think that my husband is the original difficult child in the house. It's all about him nd taking care of the kiddies and the difficult child needs is my responsibility. I'm sorry that he's doing this to you now. Your son needs both of his parents to be supportive of him and it's tough when one is not willing to do so. I get it.

 

[rejectedmom]

Buddy, husband has been treated for depression in the past. He didn't like taking his medications so he no longetr goes to the doctor for anything depression related. He never gets sick physically and if he should get a cold or a bug just goes to bed for a day and is fine the next. He cannot relate to chronic illness and lacks compassion as a result. He can talk a good game but never follows up with action consistantly. He can be a caregiver for maybe a day but after that he gets testy and goes off to another part of the house where he can't hear being called and only checks up every four hours or so. I no longer rely on him when I need surgery or am very sick. His emotional age was halted at 4 years. Not sure why that is but his mother was very emotionally abusive. We have paid a fortune for his therapies in the past and he has made little progress in that department. He no longer sees a therapist according to him he is fine and doesn't need one.

He seems like a great guy to the outside world because he is a master illusonist. Many friends think I am lucky to have him because of the things he says. I gave up trying to change him a long time ago.

 

[DammitJanet]

Hugs RM...I hear you.

 

[rejectedmom]

thanks Janet I know you do!

 

[DDD]

Sending caring and understanding hugs your way. Sadly, if he has always been this way there is not a thing you can do or say that will change it. From experience I believe that as husband's age there is a growth in the less desirable traits and an ebbing of the endearing ones. My husband is a loving and caring man but he doesn't seem able to supplement me with-o direct instructions...he's just unaware the rest of the time. I assume your husband is sixty or so and his comment about traveling sounded about age appropriate.
Well, not exactly appropriate..but common. Men, in my humble opinion, seem to focus on what hasn't been according to their hopes as opposed to looking at the positives of what actually is their life. I'm sorry for your stress but awfully glad you can reach out to get the help you need. DDD

 

[buddy]

Oh sorry, i didn't know all of that. Amazing you have adapted so well. And in these kinds of things, where we do have to accept what can't be changed to whatever degree, it is great to be able to just cut loose with friends. Good for you for taking care of yourself and venting.

Wouldn't it be great if like on the slapstick shows you could just use a frying pan and bonk them and change everything in their heads?

 

[timer lady]

RM, sorry I've been out of the loop ~ wasn't aware that difficult child was moving back in the house. I expect the last thing you need with all that is going on with you physically is to have a 23 y/o difficult child back in the house.

I can't address your issues with your husband. I'm more concerned about all you've taken on. Does difficult child qualify for adult mental health services? Are there any in your family that will help you sort this stuff out? (Besides husband as he's apparently shut down)

I'm not taking guardianship of either of the tweedles once they turn 18 & am already lining up the adult mental health services that will be needed.

(((((Hugs))))) You're a remarkable mum ~ it's time to take care of you.

 

[rejectedmom]

Linda I am sorry I think I confused you this is not difficult child it is my other son who is now 30. He was out on his own and bought a condo he is a college grad respectful and kind etc but he had a break with reality at work and is having delusions. He is also adopted and may have inherited his mother's delusional disorder. He is in a treatment center but will be released soon. He is not ready to go back out on his own yet. For now he needs alot of support but in the future might be able to live alone again, only time will tell. Right now it is one day at a time.

I understand your position with the tTweedles. I will not let my difficult child return home when he gets out of prison...it just won't work.

 

[InsaneCdn]

RM - its always tough to deal with the "bad breaks" - the things that really aren't their fault and that nobody can do anything about. Its a HUGE load and yet... while you didn't ask for it, he didn't either... so you do what you can.

{{hugs}}

 

[rejectedmom]

Insane yes it is hard to deal with and lately this family has had more than our share of bad breaks. I do not hold this against my son. He is doing everything he can to get back to work he is a good son and a hard worker. I will always be proud of all he has overcome.

 

[KTMom91]

Adding in more hugs, RM.

 

[SearchingForRainbows]

RM,

No advice, just more hugs... SFR