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Needing a Soft Place to Land-A Return
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 759265" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Hi Dazed</p><p></p><p>I am glad you're back! But so sorry you are suffering. There are aspects of your story that I live with too. </p><p></p><p>You are not asking for advice and I will not give it. I will only say what I know and what I feel and I believe. </p><p></p><p>First I believed that your son's screaming at you, cursing and raging at you, insulting and demeaning you is abuse. It is a threat, whether or not the direct words are uttered. It is a way to intimidate and frighten and control you...to get you to do or not to do what he wants. This is to take control of your will and your space. I have known people who have gone to prison for 6 years for not much more. In my state, there is a crime called a terrorist threat. It doesn't involve terrorists. It involves words that are threatening. What I am trying to say here is that I don't think the 60-day notice applies when somebody is being terrorized in their own home. </p><p></p><p>I also don't feel that we as parents need to plan our getaway because our children are abusing us. </p><p></p><p>I will say one more thing. It sounds like your son has a justly deserved reputation, at least at this point of his life, as a mean, uncaring, cruel substance abuser. This is a working person, with a regular income who CHOOSES to use his income to drug himself. And chooses to not pay rent. In your home. </p><p></p><p>Why in the world would he ever have money to move out if Plan A is to use all of it to buy whatever substance he wants to buy? </p><p></p><p>It's not our business how these kids get what they need to get to be self-sustaining. It's their business. We are not responsible that they choose to do what it takes to get what they need and what they want. When we put ourselves in the position to take responsibility we put ourselves in the position where they can misuse us and demean us and disrespect and abuse us. And this is exactly what they do.</p><p></p><p>I opened the door to my son (again) because corona is raging where we live. My son had to leave where he was living. He did not prepare. He had no money because like your son he uses it on marijuana and anything else he wants. From kindness, I told him he could come back until the first of the month when he said he could secure a place to live. (Probably a lie.) He sees kindness as weakness and it's been one problem after another and he's only been back 2 days. </p><p></p><p>I do think these circumstances are dire but I also think that we matter. I think when we get kicked in the teeth, we can't put ourselves in the position where it happens repeatedly. I gave it a try, and I am now putting things in place to minimize the cost to me when I have to tell my son to leave on the first. If things get worse I will accelerate that date.</p><p></p><p>I don't know what you should do or how you should do it. I do believe that your son is abusing you and that the only important order of business now is to get it to stop. Based on my own experience, your son will not stop it. We've got to.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 759265, member: 18958"] Hi Dazed I am glad you're back! But so sorry you are suffering. There are aspects of your story that I live with too. You are not asking for advice and I will not give it. I will only say what I know and what I feel and I believe. First I believed that your son's screaming at you, cursing and raging at you, insulting and demeaning you is abuse. It is a threat, whether or not the direct words are uttered. It is a way to intimidate and frighten and control you...to get you to do or not to do what he wants. This is to take control of your will and your space. I have known people who have gone to prison for 6 years for not much more. In my state, there is a crime called a terrorist threat. It doesn't involve terrorists. It involves words that are threatening. What I am trying to say here is that I don't think the 60-day notice applies when somebody is being terrorized in their own home. I also don't feel that we as parents need to plan our getaway because our children are abusing us. I will say one more thing. It sounds like your son has a justly deserved reputation, at least at this point of his life, as a mean, uncaring, cruel substance abuser. This is a working person, with a regular income who CHOOSES to use his income to drug himself. And chooses to not pay rent. In your home. Why in the world would he ever have money to move out if Plan A is to use all of it to buy whatever substance he wants to buy? It's not our business how these kids get what they need to get to be self-sustaining. It's their business. We are not responsible that they choose to do what it takes to get what they need and what they want. When we put ourselves in the position to take responsibility we put ourselves in the position where they can misuse us and demean us and disrespect and abuse us. And this is exactly what they do. I opened the door to my son (again) because corona is raging where we live. My son had to leave where he was living. He did not prepare. He had no money because like your son he uses it on marijuana and anything else he wants. From kindness, I told him he could come back until the first of the month when he said he could secure a place to live. (Probably a lie.) He sees kindness as weakness and it's been one problem after another and he's only been back 2 days. I do think these circumstances are dire but I also think that we matter. I think when we get kicked in the teeth, we can't put ourselves in the position where it happens repeatedly. I gave it a try, and I am now putting things in place to minimize the cost to me when I have to tell my son to leave on the first. If things get worse I will accelerate that date. I don't know what you should do or how you should do it. I do believe that your son is abusing you and that the only important order of business now is to get it to stop. Based on my own experience, your son will not stop it. We've got to. [/QUOTE]
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