Needy, dramatic difficult child phase

[dashcat]

difficult child has been needy, clingy and dramatic ... all over a guy. Yes, it's always a guy that inspires the drama, but this needy, clingy stuff is a little over the top.

She started "dating" this guy three weeks ago. Says she met him at a bonfire at a co-workers house, but I am fairly suspicious that she met him online or it was a setup with the co-worker....not buying the "we just met" story because I've heard it a thousand times. Anyway - that's not really relevant. The kid seemed nice enough. He was her age, a college student, lived with parents, was polite, etc. She saw him (that I know of) a total of four times, including the night they met. Four times.

He broke it off saying (her story) he was messed up and scared about his feelings for her. According to her, he cried for two hours on the phone over this. Sounds like we have another difficult child on our hands. Not sure if this is what really went down, but does it matter?

This was Tuesday nght/Weds a.m. She spent all of Weds crying, texting, on facebook, calling him, calling her two friends (the only two left who haven't gotten so sick of t his that they've bailed) all over this guy. Why? She crawled into my bed the last two mornings around 5:00. She moped around all day today. Thank God she's at work now and I hope being busy is occupying her mind a bit.

She ate an entire pint of Ben and Jerrys, almost an entire pizza, went through numerous cans of pop and I found a tub of COOKIE DOUGH in her wastebasket under some clothes when i went to empty the trash. EWWW!!!

I wish I could persuade her to see - at least - a therapist. I've posted before about her always falling in love instantly, and here's yet another example. Three weeks (one of which he spent on a family vacation), constant texts, FOUR whole in-person encounters and all this craziness.

A non-difficult child would shrug and say "wow, he's got major issues" and walk away. She is acting like they were engaged or something ... and this isn't the first time.

Thanks for listening. I am going to put a stop to sleeping with momma, but I can't stop the drama and the gnashing of teeth....

ARGH!
Dash

 

[BusynMember]

Sounds like she could have borderline personality disorder. I understand it intimately...you simply can not be alone (although you do tend to chase people away out of fear once you have them). This requires intensive therapy and a special type. But you can't make her go...she is an adult. Maybe reading up on borderline will ring a bell and help you at least understand (if indeed this is w hat is going on)

Here is part of the diagnostic criteria:
4. Finally, you may experience tumultuous and very unstable relationships.

The final two DSM-IV criteria fall in this group:

• You may engage in frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment, and
• Your relationships may be very intense, unstable, and alternate between the extremes of over idealizing and undervaluing people who are important to you

You may also recognize that you have overly dependent and clinging behavior in important relationships.

 

[dashcat]

Thank you for the link, Midwest Mom. Very informative. Her therapist has suggested Borderline (BPD) or BiPolar (BP) should be explored. It's been awhile since I've read about Borderline (BPD) and I found this site to be very enlightening. In the past (perhaps this is my own denial), I was inclined to dismiss Borderline (BPD) because she does not experience explosive anger. I'm beginning to see that she internalizes and her anger comes out in other ways. The relationship aspect of BPDs is so close to her behavior that it took my breath away.

If she is the one the break off a relationship, she detaches immediately. She can be very cold and I've actually felt bad for the BFs she's done this to in a few cases. When the guy breaks it off, she goes into full crisis mode - almost stalkerish behavior along with wailing and gnashing of teeth.

I will be buying and reading that book....

Dash

 

[Sue C]

Dashcat--my daughter is the same way in regard to falling in love immediately with every boyfriend she's ever gone out with. When they break it off, she's an emotional wreck....practically stalking the guy like you said your daughter does. The one time she broke up with a guy, she was cold-hearted and it was as if he never existed.

We, too, believe she has borderline personality disorder but was diagnosed recently with bi-polar. I have read a lot about Borderline (BPD), and the people are very afraid of abandonment, thus this needing to have a boyfriend.

 

[BusynMember]

Please do not believe the old school thinking that Borderline (BPD) can not be treated (by the way, often one also has bipolar and the Borderline (BPD) is ignored, but the Borderline (BPD) is probably the hardest for the person to live with). I had it and I didn't even know because all I heard about was bipolar.
There are wonderful new therapies that REALLY help borderlines (they are in the book) and the most successful is dialectal behavioral therapy. Rather than Borderline (BPD) being hopeless, it is now seen as very treatable, IF (like ALL problems) the person wants help. You can't treat ANY disorder without the person wanting to get better.
BPDs who internalize often cut or take drugs. I didn't do either...I acted out. I had so much therapy and self-help from an early age and wanting to change that just got tons better even without all the therapy they know about now. But I put out a very strong effort to learn to control my "all over the place" emotions, which I was told were bipolar moodswings (they weren't).
Most of all I had to learn that it's ok to be alone with myself. Then I didn't need to jump from one relationship to another and I didn't just leave people in the cold (I did this to friends more than boyfriends because i was married at twenty and did not cheat). I'm sure some of my old friends still wonder, "What did I do???" because if I couldn't deal with somebody for any reason, I would just leave them and not explain. But if they left ME, well, I was ready to jump off a cliff...if your kid has this personality disorder, you're familiar with the chaos...lol. I'm so glad I have peace now. I look back and wonder what all the drama was about! I wish I could find everyone I mysteriously left, apologize and at least try to repent, but I don't know where everyone is. Even at this late date, I feel I should offer an apology.

 

[dashcat]

Sue,
It really helps to hear that I'm not alone. Nobody in in real life understands this. People have actually said it me "Well, I wouldn't allow THAT" (the bfs). What they don't understand is that you cannot stop it. When she was younger and I had a little more control, I tried. She would simply go underground. Nothing stopped her. Now I am beginning to realize that I have to let it go for the most part.

 

[Sue C]

Midwestmom--the book you're talking about is on the link you provided and written by Robert Friedel? I will definitely have to buy it and read it. All the books and info online that I've read say it's untreatable but the therapy and drugs "help" it. Melissa even read a book about it last year when her boyfriend bought it for her, but she said how it said you couldn't be cured or whatever plus it said the person was probably sexually abused when they were a kid which she was not, so she said that couldn't be her.

Dash--When Melissa was at college, she made it known to us that her boyfriend slept in her room every night. About 3 years ago, she met a really scummy guy on the internet. He was homeless and sneaked into colleges to use their computers. She had sex with him and they weren't even dating. And he gave her an STD!!

p.s. Just checked and our library has the book!

 

[dashcat]

Midwest Mom,
Thank you for your insights. You're dead on about the leaving (vs being left) in relationships. You've worked very hard to get where you are. I pray my daughter will want to address this someday. Right now, she seems to like things the way they are. Maybe she's afraid she'll lose herself entirely if she seeks help. I know she loves the high that comes with chasing - and catching - guys. I think she's afraid to let go of that. She thinks she's disappointed me with her behavior, but that's not it at all. I'm sad that she doesn't have the self-respect she needs to be without a guy and I'm doubly sad that she will seemingly take anyone (Sue, your story about Melissa hit home ... I'm not sure that my daughter has done exactly that, but I do know there were serveral internet guys beside the one I knew about....scary).

 

[CrazyinVA]

The other book that I can highly recommend about Borderline (BPD) is this one:
http://www.amazon.com/Essential-Family-Borderline-Personality-Disorder/dp/1592853633/ref=pd_sim_b_3

I think one reason many people still say that Borderline (BPD) is difficult to treat is that many people that are Borderline (BPD) refuse to acknowledge it. That's the way it was explained to me once. I honestly don't hold put much hope that my Oldest will ever get treatment, she seems to have no desire to do so nor will she acknowledge many of her behaviors. So in her case, it seems "untreatable" as far as I am concerned.

 

[BusynMember]

Sue, you have outdated information. They knew nothing about borderline until recently and whole new group of treatments have come up...and there are those who believe it CAN be cured. And many were NEVER sexually abused. "I Hate You--Don't Leave Me" describes the behavior, but is extremely outdated. I have read a ton of newer books on the subject and I feel good about Borderline (BPD) and the future of those who have it, providing they want to understand their disorder and correct it.

 

[DammitJanet]

I also have both borderline and bipolar. I was sexually, physically, emotionally and verbally abused as a kid. Basically with me, you couldnt have ordered a more perfect set of nurture and nature to make a bipolar and borderline person.

I have come a long way but there is still a long way to go and without medication and therapy, Im a lost puppy. I know without a doubt that I will never be able to live without medications. Never. I really think I will always need to have someone to guide me that I can trust such as a therapist but insurance may make that impossible. I dont think I will ever be cured.