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Substance Abuse
nervous! speaker phone call Wed @9am...
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<blockquote data-quote="rebelson" data-source="post: 686294" data-attributes="member: 19966"><p>Oh, wow! Very similar story. My son is also very upset with me about a lot of things. A few are 'legit', but <em>most are not. </em>He loves to throw these zingers, legit or not, in my face every time he's 'in the mood' or wants something from me and uses this as guilt, leverage, manipulation. I also have had an immensely patient and open mind when he spews this stuff. I 'zip it' & let him verbally have at it. Let him get it out. Only once in a blue moon, will I dispute anything. Because sometimes, the things he brings up, are just soooo not true or are just ridiculous. Usually, I just listen and typically when he's in this 'special' mood, he will spew the venom at me and then will hang up. So, no response needed from me. This has been ongoing since he was 15, so I am used to it. Often, I will tell him to 'put the bowling ball down' and that holding all that weight, is not healthy for him. Of course he doesn't want to put the bowling ball down, because it's one of his 'tools' he keeps in his back pocket. I'm sure Darkwing knows what I mean. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite9" alt=":eek:" title="Eek! :eek:" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":eek:" /></p><p></p><p>This is crazy, the similarities with your and my son. One of his therapists, last week, also told me that son has <em>resentment and jealousy from me getting married when he was 8, and having 2 more children. </em>I guess he also wanted me to be alone forever. I was only 22 when I had him. With time, I ended up meeting my now husband at the gym. He was super good & loving with son (my REQUIREMENT) and a great role model for a boy with an irresponsible, partying and out of picture bio father. Never had an iota of a thought that my then 4yo sweet son (4yo when we met) would end up to be so resentful due to me marrying! Who knew? <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/frown.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":frown:" title="frown :frown:" data-shortname=":frown:" /> I thought it would be best for my little boy to be a part of a loving family, father and mother...even though it couldn't be his bio father. To this day, when he asks how his siblings are, he phrases it: <em>'so how are your kids doing?' <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/cry.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":cry:" title="cry :cry:" data-shortname=":cry:" /></em></p><p></p><p>My son thus far, from what I can surmise from talking to various staff there, has not been forthcoming with the therapists, MD's either. Grrrr. He also acts like he had a horrible childhood and again, it's the farthest thing from the truth. Perfect? Nope, but horrible? No way. I slathered him with extra love because I am super empathic and did not want my little boy to feel left out or jealous. It had been just he and I until he was 4ish when I met hub. Yep, I <em><span style="color: #ff0080">slathered</span></em> him with love, maybe too much. Hence the entitlement and grandiose attitude that he now exhibits?</p><p></p><p>He's been repeating the same type of complaints about his childhood for so long. I tried multiple therapists, he would go and either 1. be rude to them, or 2. refuse to go to appts. Way back when he was an older teen, & it was becoming quite apparent that he was 'using mj', I sat down with him and apologized for anything parenting-wise, that I might've done to hurt him. I sort of begged him for forgiveness. Not sure, but maybe that admission from me, gave him a feeling of power & a reason to grip on to those complaints as he then realized that he could use as leverage-since I (by apologizing) admitted to them?</p><p></p><p>I once read, when googling, that when a grown son (or dtr) has anger from these perceptions of exaggerations or actual occurrences from his childhood, to let him express them. Uninterrupted. No matter how painful to hear. That it is the only way for him to heal. To get it out. And for him to know that you HEARD IT. This is what I've tried to do and, I guess what I need to do tomorrow morning.</p><p></p><p>The advice that you were given and shared above, is invaluable to me right now. For tomorrow's call. I will 'zip it' for the most part, and mostly listen, unless prompted.</p><p></p><p><em>"she said that I need to have an open mind that probably most of these things are not true but that it's his perception. She said I shouldn't argue or correct him but just say that I understand and I'm sorry for things that hurt him and that he felt that way."</em></p><p></p><p>Praying for both of us on our calls. <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/felttip/praying.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":praying:" title="praying :praying:" data-shortname=":praying:" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="rebelson, post: 686294, member: 19966"] Oh, wow! Very similar story. My son is also very upset with me about a lot of things. A few are 'legit', but [I]most are not. [/I]He loves to throw these zingers, legit or not, in my face every time he's 'in the mood' or wants something from me and uses this as guilt, leverage, manipulation. I also have had an immensely patient and open mind when he spews this stuff. I 'zip it' & let him verbally have at it. Let him get it out. Only once in a blue moon, will I dispute anything. Because sometimes, the things he brings up, are just soooo not true or are just ridiculous. Usually, I just listen and typically when he's in this 'special' mood, he will spew the venom at me and then will hang up. So, no response needed from me. This has been ongoing since he was 15, so I am used to it. Often, I will tell him to 'put the bowling ball down' and that holding all that weight, is not healthy for him. Of course he doesn't want to put the bowling ball down, because it's one of his 'tools' he keeps in his back pocket. I'm sure Darkwing knows what I mean. :eek: This is crazy, the similarities with your and my son. One of his therapists, last week, also told me that son has [I]resentment and jealousy from me getting married when he was 8, and having 2 more children. [/I]I guess he also wanted me to be alone forever. I was only 22 when I had him. With time, I ended up meeting my now husband at the gym. He was super good & loving with son (my REQUIREMENT) and a great role model for a boy with an irresponsible, partying and out of picture bio father. Never had an iota of a thought that my then 4yo sweet son (4yo when we met) would end up to be so resentful due to me marrying! Who knew? :frown: I thought it would be best for my little boy to be a part of a loving family, father and mother...even though it couldn't be his bio father. To this day, when he asks how his siblings are, he phrases it: [I]'so how are your kids doing?' :cry:[/I] My son thus far, from what I can surmise from talking to various staff there, has not been forthcoming with the therapists, MD's either. Grrrr. He also acts like he had a horrible childhood and again, it's the farthest thing from the truth. Perfect? Nope, but horrible? No way. I slathered him with extra love because I am super empathic and did not want my little boy to feel left out or jealous. It had been just he and I until he was 4ish when I met hub. Yep, I [I][COLOR=#ff0080]slathered[/COLOR][/I] him with love, maybe too much. Hence the entitlement and grandiose attitude that he now exhibits? He's been repeating the same type of complaints about his childhood for so long. I tried multiple therapists, he would go and either 1. be rude to them, or 2. refuse to go to appts. Way back when he was an older teen, & it was becoming quite apparent that he was 'using mj', I sat down with him and apologized for anything parenting-wise, that I might've done to hurt him. I sort of begged him for forgiveness. Not sure, but maybe that admission from me, gave him a feeling of power & a reason to grip on to those complaints as he then realized that he could use as leverage-since I (by apologizing) admitted to them? I once read, when googling, that when a grown son (or dtr) has anger from these perceptions of exaggerations or actual occurrences from his childhood, to let him express them. Uninterrupted. No matter how painful to hear. That it is the only way for him to heal. To get it out. And for him to know that you HEARD IT. This is what I've tried to do and, I guess what I need to do tomorrow morning. The advice that you were given and shared above, is invaluable to me right now. For tomorrow's call. I will 'zip it' for the most part, and mostly listen, unless prompted. [I]"she said that I need to have an open mind that probably most of these things are not true but that it's his perception. She said I shouldn't argue or correct him but just say that I understand and I'm sorry for things that hurt him and that he felt that way."[/I] Praying for both of us on our calls. :praying: [/QUOTE]
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nervous! speaker phone call Wed @9am...
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