Never disinherit your kid


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You got it, dad and sister never understood the adoption. I thought dad had come around but knew my sister never did. Now I understand that neither of them understood or supported it. Yes it came at a price but I am proud that my kids know where I stood. I have told them many times that I never want to come between their relationship with each other the way grandpa did with me and my sister, that they are both loved by me equally and unconditionally. And if there is anything left when I die they will know I meant it.

I like that we have both put this into perspective. I have many good memories of dad, those are the ones I try to focus on and not his last act. Honestly there are many things that happened over the years that could have made me very bitter but I chose not to. It just cemented how I want to live my life.

Thanks for sharing.


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Good attitude, nancy. I have no good memories of my mother and my kids didnt know her and after thinking about what disinheritance means, it really saddened me. But i too went on with my life. But it did affect how i felt about my siblings. Thats what something like disinheretance often causes. It is a deep hurt.
In the end we can learn from it and just be more sensitive to our own children.

Scent of Cedar *

Well-Known Member
It was a very small policy and never was about the money. It was about the message that sent me. But he was always like that, he changed his will every time he got mad at one of his kids.

My mother sets incredible importance on her Will. On who is executor. On who will get what and then, who will not. I thought about that when you posted that your father changed his Will frequently. How cruel these people are, and have been. Watching my mother's attitude about her belongings is like watching someone set up a carrot and a stick and a whip on a cart without wheels. With herself as cart master.

Power and control...but they know what they are doing, they know the lifetime hurt they are inflicting. It's like the Biblical blessing. It is a blessing, to be believed worthy of being blessed.

That is the statement the parent is making, and it can never be undone, through all the generations to come.

That is the evil in it.

The leering face of the evil in it.

My mother is still with us. I will need to be prepared. I think it will still affect me. But...if I were pulling the cart right now with the carrot just out of reach in the front of my nose and the whip cutting into my back, what would be left of me anyway, by the time the Will was read.

That kind of wickedness spirals down the generations too, I think.

And our families become ever more unbalanced, and we don't know how to name what it is that is wrong, or how to make it right.

Very hurtful, that this has happened to you both.

I anticipate that it will happen to me, too.

I wont parent or punish from the grave.

I will remember having read these words SWOT, when the time comes, for me. To have some way of understanding why these terrible things are happening to us will help us stay steady state.

To parent or punish from the grave.

We have worked so hard here on FOO Chronicles to understand how we were parented, SWOT. You are exactly correct that it a choice for the parent to continue to parent, or punish, from the grave. For those of us raised in certain kinds of families, to know that this is what the parent is doing is a kind of comfort that could limit the pain of it.

Maybe, this is true.

I have not lost my mother, yet. My father's death was like some nightmare circus where the music is all wrong and everyone turns out to be a vampire. You know, all suave and oh, so well dressed. But still and all, thieves performing thievery, the whole time.

It really has been extraordinary, what my mother has done to my father's memory, and to the memory of his mother, my grandmother.

They never stop, these people who are put together that way.

Stu was hurt by being disinherited, not because it meant he was missing out on a lot of money, but because of what it symbolized. As it turned out, it was moot, as Stu predeceased his father by a couple of years.

How awful that must have been for them both. For the father to have played that ultimate card and then, to have lost his child before he could undo what he had done.

Disinheriting is an act of severe rejection, almost always done with malice.


Malice is a good word.

An ugly legacy.

Ugly story, ugly legacy.

And for some of us, the stories were very ugly. A friend told me once, when I was telling her what was happening around my father's death: "Dysfunctional family, dysfunctional death."

We will have to learn to label the legacies left us, too: Dysfunctional family, dysfunctional death, dysfunctional legacy.

To know that is an important piece for us, I think. For us to be able to see their actions through our own eyes, and not through the condemnation in theirs.

Or the malice.

That was a very good word, SWOT.


I chose my kids over my mother, which I feel was right. But I paid a price for it. It is hurtful to be disinherited for any reason. She shunned and disinherited me out of spite. There was no other reason. But it still hurt. Everyone wants their mother's love. Disinheriting means nothing but disapproval and disdain and no sane person will likely interpret it in any good way. And it is not about the amount of money. It is about the representation of what the deed meant.


It gets worse, a couple months before he died my daughter(the one we adopted) went to visit him after work. He made an inappropriate advance to her and told her it was OK because she was not blood. Thatis her last memory of him. Nice huh?

I am so sorry. This is horrifying. I am glad your child told you. Imagine if she had kept that hurt to herself.

What a wicked man. Such a small thing, to have honored her visit to him. But he picked to do what he did, instead. How shaming for you and for the child.

This is an awful thing. An ugly legacy, like SWOT posted.

Malice is such a good word for what these kinds of people do.



This has been a very good thread for me to read. I will be better prepared for what is coming. Especially the malice part. That must be why they do it. Whatever it is they were trying to break in us, they did not break it. That has to be what fuels the living rage-taken-to-a-whole-other-level that is malice.

But even their malice did not break either of you.

You are both very strong.

You have had to be.



Crazy Cat Lady
I don't know what my father in law's feelings were on losing his youngest son. He accused me of killing my husband because I didn't override his decision to refuse further treatment, and that was the last time I spoke to him.


Well-Known Member
There is no reason to further punish a disturbed or disabled or failure to thrive child from the grave. On top of
malicious it is controlling. It is an attempt to continue being meanly significant in a childs life after you are gone. Nothing good will come from this hateful act. Unless your child has tried to steal all your assets, influence the will by trying to claim you are incompetent or in any way to seriously tried to harm you, there is no excuse. I hope people who read this heart.

Scent of Cedar *

Well-Known Member
I don't know what my father in law's feelings were on losing his youngest son. He accused me of killing my husband because I didn't override his decision to refuse further treatment, and that was the last time I spoke to him

You protected Stu, Going.

The father sounds like a difficult man.

Something tells me you were able to stand up to him just fine and dandy.




Crazy Cat Lady
I honored Stu's decision because it was his life and his body and he couldn't be healed. His body was too badly damaged by then and he was in agonizing pain.

Deciding to die allowed the doctors to prescribe pain medication in amounts that normally wouldn't be used because of the risk of suppressing breathing. The medications did kill him faster than the illness would've alone, but they kept him from suffering.

His father wanted him put back on a respirator "just in case". He could've languished for weeks on a respirator until organ failure killed him. The problem was that Stu had been on a respirator before, and despite the sedation, remembered it.

He was terrified of both going back on the vent and of not being allowed to die. So, while he was lucid, he called a meeting of hospital staff, the chaplain, his care team, me, and his immediate family, and HE told them what he was going to do.

father in law was furious that I held Stu's full legal and medical POA and didn't over-ride his decision.

father in law was in general a right b@stard, and had been cruel to Stu to the point that Stu was sleeping over at our house as a young teen to avoid beatings at his house, which his mother couldn't prevent.

We were very close friends for quite a while before we became more than that.

The only complaint my parents had was best exemplified by my father's comment on afternoon. "Stu's spending the night again? I better go out and get another chicken." Having only daughters, they were not used to feeding a growing teenaged boy, and even though Stu was short and skinny, he had a truly scary appetite at that age.


member since 1999
Cedar - you said:
"Power and control...but they know what they are doing, they know the lifetime hurt they are inflicting. It's like the Biblical blessing. It is a blessing, to be believed worthy of being blessed.

That is the statement the parent is making, and it can never be undone, through all the generations to come."

"That kind of wickedness spirals down the generations too, I think.

And our families become ever more unbalanced, and we don't know how to name what it is that is wrong, or how to make it right."

I think the *only* way to stop the legacy of ... spite, bitterness, power, control, whatever you want to call it.... is to not let it have power over you and, I think by extension, you put an end to the legacy for your kids and their kids and so on. At least I hope it works that way. ;)

My mother and I have never been close. She's just not, in my humble opinion, a very nice person, and I am a huge disappointment to her. Whatever - I'm 50 something, she's 80. Way past time to get the heck over it, you know? She started playing the estate game (who gets what) about 10 years ago. I refused to play. If it brings her comfort to "disown" me, okay. She never "owned" me in the first place. The only thing I ever really wanted from her can't be left to me in a will, and that ship sailed a couple of decades ago.

Interestingly, *her* mother was a real piece of work as well and spent the last 20 years of her life skewering every one of her descendants. Legacies are a bear!!

It's all good. My mother is just another person who made choices in her life. We are complete opposites, so obviously I don't get some of the choices she has made (and vice-versa, I'm sure, LOL), but... what do I know?

I get to make my own choices, and they will *always* be made with love for my husband and my kids. I've not got a whole lot more left to teach my kids, other than to continue to give them my unconditional love until the day I'm gone, and beyond.


Well-Known Member
My mother decided to take all of the money when her father died and left his estate in 3 parts, for her, my sister and I. While there was an existing, legal will, she said my grandfather changed his mind.

He may or may not have, I will never know. What I do know is that my mother wanted all of the money which she considered all hers.

Even though it happened over 30 years ago, it is in my mind because yesterday I saw a copy of the will when I was dealing with my mothers papers (she died in 2013.)

With her own estate, she left it 50-50 but she had always promised and set aside a sum of money as compensation to me for paying for my sister's education and not mine. She changed her mind.

My mother never made a promise that I remember that she did not break.

I agree: it is not about the money. It is about love and wanting to protect, at minimum. But most of all it is about wanting to hurt one child, and choosing to benefit the others.

I remember I called my aunt to ask her to send me a copy of the will. (I did not know that wills are legally filed at that time.) She was a multi-millionaire. She would not give me a copy and she was bitter, even with her millions, that she had not received her full share.

It is not about money.



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My parents had no money to leave, that I know of. Whatever they might have had, my sister took. All I was left with was a utility bill from the town out west where they lived. Although it was only about $20, I refused to pay it and sent them my sister's address.

My aunt had no children. In childhood, my sister was her favorite but she got tired of being ripped off by her, so she left everything to me. There wasn't much left after taking care of her (first an apartment near me with part-time aides, then an assisted living center, last a room at mother in law's house - for which I paid mother in law $2K per month! - plus round the clock aides til she died 2 months later.) When my aunt died, I had H call my sister. When she realized it was H, she said, I hope you are calling to tell me Sven is dead. He hung up on her. The next day, her girlfriend called me at work (as an attorney, my work number is public record) and left a voice mail apologizing. I called back and left another message - I was calling to tell you auntie died and even though she cut you out of the will, I was going to share the proceeds from her apartment sale with you, but now I'm not, have a nice life. I filed the estate papers, she got a copy of the will and I haven't heard from her since then.

My will leaves everything to H but if he dies before me, it goes in equal shares to the kids; his is the reverse. Difficult Child and daughter are the executors. I chose Difficult Child because he's the smartest in math and the least emotional of the kids, I chose daughter because she's the glue that holds the boys together and she will ensure harmony. Difficult Child is fair and honest to a fault and unlike oldest boy, doesn't have a spendthrift mentality. The kids already know this and even though Difficult Child is number 3 of 5, it's not an issue.

At this point, I help them as needed. I paid for daughter's college, the part that wasn't covered by scholarships. I am paying for Difficult Child but he's costing me a lot more than daughter - he has no scholarships and keeps failing classes and changing majors, but he loves being in school... I paid for oldest boy but he quit after a year, so I let him drive a car and I pay the insurance. One of them may wind up getting more than the others during my life - I try to be fair, though. As of now, I can't imagine cutting any of them out of the will.


Well-Known Member
Again, unless your sociopathic adult child tried to have you declared incompetent and steal ypur money, NO CHILD SHOULD BE DISINHERITED. You will only leave a legacy of bitterness, hate, and disharmony. It is an evil, hateful attempt to punish after you are gone.


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Odd post for me to run into today. We have been having trouble out of cory for at least 3 years now and we just found out he screwed over his last chance. I sent him a fb message and told him I never want to hear or see him or his kids again. Far as I am concerned, I have one adult child and no grandkids.


Crazy Cat Lady
Janet, while I am sorry that its gotten to the point of you disowning Cory, I can't blame you for doing so.

It's the grands I am sad about. I know how you loved them. It's not their fault that their parents are jerks.

Is there any way that you can manage to keep in contact with the grands?

P.S. So nice to see you around again. I've really missed seeing you on the board.

Take care,


Well-Known Member
Janet, im so sorry. But. I thought you had three boys...I hope there isnt s problem with TWO!!!

I am in a different place then when I wrote this so please take it with a grain of salt. I am so glad to see you here again, but sorry for your problems...hugs to you


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...please weigh in on this. husband and I have a will that leaves everything (we do not have much) equally between our three kids. The only glaring difference is that Difficult Child cannot go through the house taking items until after the other two have gone through. This is because he can be so hateful.

Anything left will be auctioned off.

Cash in accounts (not much) plus proceeds from auction will be divided between the three kids.

HERE is the rub. We just found out today that my mom is seriously considering leaving any inheritance I might have had to Difficult Child....and nothing to his younger siblings. None of our kids is perfect, but the younger two have never, ever, ever come close to Difficult Child. They have made life mistakes, but are sweet and loving and make us proud....and even seem to like us/spend time with us.

If this happens, husband and I are very seriously considering changing our will. Perhaps leaving Difficult Child $1000 with the explanation that he got his inheritance early from his grandmother and dividing our other assets between our other two offspring.

I am getting this info from my brother, whom I trust completely. My mom (mentioned many times on this forum) has mental issues and has always believed Difficult Child about mistreatment, etc. He is not working, except for "helping" my 83yo mom full time.

It is all so crazy and it is our reality.


Well-Known Member
We just found out today that my mom is seriously considering leaving any inheritance I might have had to Difficult Child.
and nothing to his younger siblings.
SS, having known your Mom through your posts, I should not have been so stunned at this latest shenanigan.

How can she be so hateful and vengeful? Does her malice know no bounds? Is it a desire for power or does she truly want to hurt you? I mean, what in the world is she doing?

As I think about it, I am wondering if what she is looking for is a response from you. After trying to engage you over and over again--she is pulling out the ultimate--from the grave power play. But she is destroying a family a little bit--by doing so.

I do not think you should alter your will. I would not. I believe it would be playing into what your mother is doing, which is trying to divide your family, perhaps even to destroy it. She has shown herself willing to hurt your son who has in no way been helped by his relationship to her, from what you have shared.

Actually, I would find a way to make equity even with respect to the stuff, the contents of the house.
The only glaring difference is that Difficult Child cannot go through the house taking items until after the other two have gone through.
I wish my mother had spelled out before she died how her stuff was to be handled.

She left it that my sister and I were to go into the house together. My mother's only stipulation was that each daughter was to get some of what she wanted. I will spare you the details but it was a bloodbath.

I believe that by responding to your mother's actions by disinheriting your son would be to empower her, not the reverse.

That is my thinking. I am so sorry for this. Every single thing she does seems to validate your wish to stay as far away as you can. How you have managed these years to make any kind of relationship, is a credit to you and to your husband.
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Well-Known Member
Thanks, Copa. I just read your response to husband and will read it again tomorrow. (You have a great memory about my mom).

Part of the struggle in our guts is knowing Difficult Child will likely inherit $300,000 (or near that) from my mom while our offspring will most likely inherit around $30,000 from husband and me.

I am guessing about my mom's part, although I truly believe that is fairly close....and probably on the lower end of the scale, should she leave it all to Difficult Child.

It seems totally unfair that our youngest two should "lose" because their older Difficult Child had fooled their grandmother. I think my dad would be fairer, but who knows? My mom has his ear 24/7.