NEVER Good Enough

DammitJanet

Well-Known Member
I understand the going over. I kept going to my moms no matter how badly she treated me or how badly she had treated me in the past. I wanted my kids to have a grandmother. Besides that, she basically had Billy. From the time he was born she took him from me and getting him back in my physical possession was next to impossible. Oh he lived with me for several years here and there but the more he lived with me the more she was involved in my life. She would just show up and make herself at home even if it meant sleeping on the couch when we moved out of town. She felt she had a trump card on me and it took me years...literally years....to figure out she probably couldnt use it because she couldnt prove it.

See, right before I had Billy I was raped and before that I had been dating a girl. I was a difficult child and was looking for love anywhere I could find it. I thought I was bisexual. Who knows.

She held that over my head and said she would tell the judge that I was sleeping with a girl when I was raped, that I planned the rape and that I shouldnt have custody of my son. Now I know she would have no chance in heck of proving those allegations but back then I was a scared kid and I was afraid to test her. So I basically let her call the shots where it came to Billy.

He was allowed to move with us to NC for almost 4 years but when he started having trouble in middle school he moved back with her. Biggest mistake I ever made. If I had known that I could have forced the school to move him to another school in my district, I would have done that.

I kept letting my younger two go see her because Billy was there. Also she needed me for help. She wanted me to help her when she had problems. She wanted Tony to help her build things. I was there for her when she had cataract surgery even though she had this strange man who was about 7 years younger than me living with her. He didnt work, he was a bum she found wandering around a local campground and she invited him to stay at her place. It was weird. He really played her and I think he took her for a large amount of money. I know she bought him a car. I know there is a setting of silver missing and at least two diamond rings.

This man attempted to rape me while I was taking care of my mom during her recovery from her surgery and she would hear nothing of it. She said I must have led him on. NOT. Why would I? If I was going to cheat on Tony, I would at least look for someone better than a loser with no prospects! Why look lower than what I have? Duh. Tony was ******. He flat told my mom that we would never go there again if that man was there and we didnt. If we went, that guy cleared out. He was afraid of Tony. After my mom got so sick and we had to take her in, we found out more about the guy.....Billy would never call us and tell us all that was going on. Why I dont know. If we had known, that guy would have been history long ago. He had been hitting Billy, verbally abusing both of them. It was bad. Tony would have half killed the guy. Tony hated my mom but family is family.
 

katya02

Solace
Susie, how would it feel to have that 'obligatory' visit disappear? Just not exist in the upcoming days? Would you feel a sense of release, maybe even be able to enjoy at least part of the holidays?

You don't have to go for an 'obligatory' visit. Given your current PTSD flare I would suggest not going. You don't owe elaborate excuses; you can simply say that in view of the abuse you've been getting recently you're not going. Of course your mother will be angry; in her world, everyone acts according to HER plan. But the world will not end (I'm not being patronizing; in the past I would get so anxious at the prospect of crossing my mother that I literally felt the world would end) if you stay home with your family, don't subject your kids to her, and celebrate
with your husband. It would be a much healthier, safer plan for you than subjecting yourself to more abuse.

I also understand a husband not comprehending the extent of abuse you've suffered in childhood. My husband grew up in what he considers a perfect family. He has never quite believed the things I've told him and continued to treat my mother as if she were a normal, loving, reasonable grandma - until she tried to get custody of daughter. Even now he lapses back into thinking she's 'normal' if she behaves herself for a time. It's easy to do.

With your mother escalating right now you have ample reason to drastically limit contact. For your own safety and health, think about it. If your father challenges you, quietly state that you can't tolerate any more abuse and your health is suffering. Try to phrase it in terms of your feelings and perceptions; he can't argue that you somehow aren't feeling or experiencing something (though people can try to invalidate your feelings, saying you 'shouldn't' feel a certain way, or your perceptions are not true. But NO ONE can tell you what you should feel or that your experiences aren't real).

Just mull it over and think about the peace of only having to see your husband and children this holiday - and not having any of your kids subjected to that abuse. Sending lots of love and support, and {{{hugs}}}
 

trinityroyal

Well-Known Member
Susie, I agree with the others that there should be nothing "obligatory" about visiting your mother. ANY time you spend in her presence feeds into her abuse of you, and it hurts your heart and soul. You're gearing yourself up to get through a visit, knowing that it will more than likely be horrible and inflict still more damage on you, your husband and your children. Why would you put yourself back into the path of the abuse, knowing that it's going to steamroll you.

You have years of negative patterns and reinforcement telling you that you have to go, put up with the abuse, grit your teeth and get through it, and then heal the wounds afterward as best you can. But now you're changing your behaviour and refusing to allow yourself to be subject to your mother's toxicity anymore. So you need to take it all the way. If you allow your mother a little bit of leeway, she won't truly believe that you've changed, or she will take it as encouragement to keep chipping away at your defenses until you give in.

I don't normally give advice other than to go with your gut. However, in this case, I'm going to strongly recommend that you just don't go. No contact. At. All.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. The pain in your words is palpable. But if she's not going to give up, then you have to. The only way to win is not to play. Walk away from her unless or until she's willing to change her ways. Until then, any contact with her is nothing but a world of hurt.

Trinity
 

Mom2oddson

Active Member
I agree with everyone else. Don't go!

The first time you don't go to an obligatory visit - It will be very painful and there will be tons of emotional guilt. husband & I stood up for ourselves for the first time last Christmas. I was a ball of raw nerves and husband was throwing up for a good part of Christmas. But we did it!! And, guess what? We survived! It didn't kill us. It didn't cause the world to stop spinning. And This Year? It is SO much easier! We didn't even call to say we weren't coming and husband is having no problems not picking up the phone when she calls. And we are looking forward to Christmas this year (first time EVER!)

My BFF told me last year that the first time is the hardest. Her husband was an alcoholic, the first time she kicked him out of the car - she cried all the way home and felt horrible. Each time after that, it got easier. And it will get easier for you too.

Would it be so terrible for you and your kids if you didn't go over there? What would you be missing out on? A few gifts? - - is a few bobbles worth the pain that you are going through? I suspect that there is fear that Mom and difficult child-Bro will show up at your door if you don't come by. Keep your doors locked and if they show up - call the cops. They are unwelcomed guests!

Be strong. I know, easier said then done! But you are a wonderful person and you deserve the BEST!!! You don't deserve a Christmas full of fear and nightmares! It's not right! And I'll tell you that my Warrior Mom blood is boiling wanting to protect you! No one should be going through what you are going through. Don't feel obligated to be abused to protect your mother's feelings. She never protected you - why should you protect her feelings? (Sorry if I'm being too rough with you...)

{{{Many Hugs}}}
 

Star*

call 911........call 911
Susie*

I wonder if you can LEGALLY divorce your parents in your state or have an injunction placed on her for something?
 
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