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Never say never...please don't make crass
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 24429" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I feel very lucky that difficult child 3 is unlikely to ever need to be placed outside the home. As he's getting older he's coping better. The sort of support he needs is very different. Besides, we just don't have a lot of the options you have in the US. There are optional foster placements, as well as forced placement. I think there's a sort of placement for unruly kids in a hostel environment, but with far less intervention that I think these kids need by that stage.</p><p></p><p>Most parents I talk to have no choice but to try to manage, often with protective services people breathing down their necks. A woman I was talking to yesterday was describing some of her problems. I've got to know her and I can see how she could be easily misunderstood. She smokes (in a country where this is increasingly a minority, and where smoking in the presence of the kids is close to being outlawed). She looks 'rough', talks much the same and is stick thin, as thin as a junkie. She lives in public housing, where a lot of addicts also live. She's a single mother with a pack of kids ranging across twenty years or more. She's a grandmother already, with kids the same age as her grandchildren. She gets judged. </p><p>Her daughter won't go to school. The problem is, she can't wake up. Sounds like a mother not in control, who isn't enforcing school attendance and who is making up excuses. The truant officer turned up to drag the kid to school. The mother invited her in, said, "Fine - if you can get her up, I'll invite you back every day." The truant officer picked the girl up and tried to rouse her - she couldn't. Putting her in a cold bath won't wake her. The mother was asked what she had medicated her daughter with. Nothing. All medications had been stopped, in case it was medication-related.</p><p>The girl was assessed at a clinic whose report (the mother showed it to me last night) HAD to include (why, I don't know) that this little girl comes from a family of 6 kids, ranging in age from thirty to six, and none of the kids has the same father. It said a lot more of the same, worded in a manner guaranteed to bias anyone reading it.</p><p></p><p>This woman is a darned good mother. She's had a tough life but she's very smart, has had to learn to fight the system and handle a lot of rubbish thrown her way. Whenever she has to deal with officials or educators who haven't met her, they judge by appearances. Her daughter's hair is constantly matted into dreadlocks, even when the mother has spent hours combing it out and plaiting it. Despite being a sound sleeper the little girl is also a restless sleeper, and 16 hours a day sleeping means she looks a fright.</p><p></p><p>Because this woman gets judged so negatively (and really, she is doing all she can to reduce misunderstandings) it has taken literally years to get close to some answers for her daughter. Meanwhile this kid has missed several years of school - not good for an 8 year old.</p><p></p><p>Linda, I'm really glad you've had the opportunity to be involved in wm's care. At least we know the system can work for some people. I wish it worked as well for others. You've done an amazing job and they have worked with you to give wm better help than he could have got as things were. The trouble is, some people judge others unfairly and then when this is found to be incorrect it's easier to try to cover up the damage they've inadvertently done, than to try to fix it. Janna tried for what you achieved, but being in a different area, dealing with different people - it has, with the benefit of hindsight, been less than a success. It's experiences like this that help those willing to constantly fine-tune and improve, to do even better. Unfortunately, there are officials out there too willing to let such opportunities go by, because to take advantage of the chance for change is to admit they got it wrong. And that they can never do.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 24429, member: 1991"] I feel very lucky that difficult child 3 is unlikely to ever need to be placed outside the home. As he's getting older he's coping better. The sort of support he needs is very different. Besides, we just don't have a lot of the options you have in the US. There are optional foster placements, as well as forced placement. I think there's a sort of placement for unruly kids in a hostel environment, but with far less intervention that I think these kids need by that stage. Most parents I talk to have no choice but to try to manage, often with protective services people breathing down their necks. A woman I was talking to yesterday was describing some of her problems. I've got to know her and I can see how she could be easily misunderstood. She smokes (in a country where this is increasingly a minority, and where smoking in the presence of the kids is close to being outlawed). She looks 'rough', talks much the same and is stick thin, as thin as a junkie. She lives in public housing, where a lot of addicts also live. She's a single mother with a pack of kids ranging across twenty years or more. She's a grandmother already, with kids the same age as her grandchildren. She gets judged. Her daughter won't go to school. The problem is, she can't wake up. Sounds like a mother not in control, who isn't enforcing school attendance and who is making up excuses. The truant officer turned up to drag the kid to school. The mother invited her in, said, "Fine - if you can get her up, I'll invite you back every day." The truant officer picked the girl up and tried to rouse her - she couldn't. Putting her in a cold bath won't wake her. The mother was asked what she had medicated her daughter with. Nothing. All medications had been stopped, in case it was medication-related. The girl was assessed at a clinic whose report (the mother showed it to me last night) HAD to include (why, I don't know) that this little girl comes from a family of 6 kids, ranging in age from thirty to six, and none of the kids has the same father. It said a lot more of the same, worded in a manner guaranteed to bias anyone reading it. This woman is a darned good mother. She's had a tough life but she's very smart, has had to learn to fight the system and handle a lot of rubbish thrown her way. Whenever she has to deal with officials or educators who haven't met her, they judge by appearances. Her daughter's hair is constantly matted into dreadlocks, even when the mother has spent hours combing it out and plaiting it. Despite being a sound sleeper the little girl is also a restless sleeper, and 16 hours a day sleeping means she looks a fright. Because this woman gets judged so negatively (and really, she is doing all she can to reduce misunderstandings) it has taken literally years to get close to some answers for her daughter. Meanwhile this kid has missed several years of school - not good for an 8 year old. Linda, I'm really glad you've had the opportunity to be involved in wm's care. At least we know the system can work for some people. I wish it worked as well for others. You've done an amazing job and they have worked with you to give wm better help than he could have got as things were. The trouble is, some people judge others unfairly and then when this is found to be incorrect it's easier to try to cover up the damage they've inadvertently done, than to try to fix it. Janna tried for what you achieved, but being in a different area, dealing with different people - it has, with the benefit of hindsight, been less than a success. It's experiences like this that help those willing to constantly fine-tune and improve, to do even better. Unfortunately, there are officials out there too willing to let such opportunities go by, because to take advantage of the chance for change is to admit they got it wrong. And that they can never do. Marg [/QUOTE]
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