Hi Everybody,
I have been lurking for a few days and decided to throw my hat in the ring. I am so happy I stumbled on this forum...I can't tell you how alone and guilt ridden I've felt, like I would never know anyone who's been through this.
I have three children, two boys and one girl. My oldest, Salinger, is 14. After suspecting Asperger's for about two years and being brushed off by any professional, teacher, etc I asked (he doesn't have severe behavioral issues, but ZERO social skills and has been bullied frequently), plus resistance from husband, I finally put my foot down and got the process started to have him evaluated. That seems to be going ok so far, but a very slow process that I can save for another post.
Right now, Salinger's issues look like a sweet candy coated dream next to his little brother's. Poe is eight years old. As far as I know he's not ADHD, Aspie (totally different development from his older brother) nor does he have any learning disabilities, but his behavior is out of control.
His violent temper tantrums probably started around the time any kid's would, two or so. I thought they were normal at first though they seemed more severe then his siblings ever did, and believe me, my older two could throw some enormous fits. But three came, and they got worse. I remember having to hold him in my arms in bed at night just to get some sleep, and him hitting me and screaming for hours. Four, not really much better. Five came, along with kindergarten. WHAT A DISASTER. I was so naive. I thought he'd be more like his older brother and sister, angels at school, devilish at home. Not even close. Turns out, Poe is not afraid to scream at authority figures. Or hit them. Or throw chairs at them. The hitting me at home and his siblings got much worse as well.
After many parent teacher conferences, him being sent home several times, switching classrooms, etc he got suspended at least once, perhaps twice. His school really worked with us but they had to reduce him to half days and for the last two weeks of school, I went with him every day. He went to therapy too, with a school referral. First grade was much better. He did get into trouble, but his teacher had been prepared for him, (had actually requested him, brave new teacher that she was), and he seemed to do fairly well with her. We moved halfway into the year but I kept him at that school for the rest of the year though it meant walking a mile back and forth each day.
But last September I had to get a job and stay at home mom status went bye bye. No way could I keep him in that school without transportation when another school was 3 blocks from our house. So I switched him and boy, did he sink like the Titanic. Last year he wouldn't do his work at all, threw stuff, hit other students, was generally disruptive and rude, the list goes on and on. His teachers clearly did not want to deal with him, and it was complaint after complaint after complaint.
This year is the worst yet. Same school as last year. This is the 'rich' school of our small town, so of course it has the best reputation but it's pretty clear they are not accustomed to dealing with students like Poe. He's completely lost it and last Thursday, he flipped out when his teacher tried to take his chair so he'd stop squeaking it and disrupting the class. He hit her three times and had to be restrained from doing it again, all in front of his classmates. The principal called us absolutely livid, and we had to meet with her as well as the police. She wanted him cited and in front of a judge. The police officer talked her out of that and had a very serious talk with Poe about where his behavior could lead. Poe was pretty scared; I don't think he ever thought that 'kid jail' was real, much less that a uniformed officer would show up and threaten to take him there. He's suspended for three days. The principal is very upset with Poe and the whole situation and has told us if this happens again he will be expelled. At eight!!
We also had to take him to juvenile hall for a mini tour (they toned it down quite a bit due to his age). Fun times and a real scary glimpse of what the future could be.
I am at my wit's end. Our first therapist gave us The Explosive Child and I've been re-reading it like crazy. I know that we haven't always been consistent with our discipline, and I know that there have been stressors in our lives and big changes for Poe, like when I went back to work, but I don't know what we did, or didn't do, to have a child this out of control. I have been reading parenting books since before my oldest was born and I have tried so hard with so many different methods. We also have him in an afterschool karate program that also does homework with him, (the little he will do) and works on behavior and aggression.
If you saw Poe in person, it would be hard to believe what I just wrote about him. He's such a sweetheart most of the time, and extremely affectionate. Can be so loving to everyone, our animals, and his siblings. He is a social kid, but it's hard for him to make friends because they see him lose it in class and they are afraid of him. He's much better at home then at school. He does chores now, helps around the house, is happy and sunny and sweet most of the time. But when something happens or he feels overwhelmed (has to go to school when he's really tired, any time he has to do homework, had a fight with bro or sis and can't deal) my sweet boy turns into a mini monster, slapping my arms, trying to head butt me, (and sadly, this is better than when he'd have dangerous heavy objects flying at my head a couple of years ago or hitting me in the face), screaming that he hates me and I'm the worst mom in the world, etc, etc. This has gone well beyond all the feedback I've been given about him over the years, he's strong willed, he's spoiled, he's too smart for his own good and bored, etc. There is something wrong.
That was reinforced for me today. I had to take the morning off work to be at home with him and I tried to get him to do his homework, thinking, well, he talked to a cop two days ago, he knows this is serious, now he's got motivation. Apparently not. When he got frustrated with the homework he threw the papers. I told him to just move on to another page and we'd go back to it later when he felt better and try it again. UM NO. He threw the papers again. I very calmly put him in time out on the stairs. He picked up a couple of little tiny things and threw them at me, had to be warned not to hit, and when I extended his time out he spit at me.
I finally got him to calm down and explain to me why he was so upset, and then I went in the other room and cried. I know that he can be worked with, but just telling him to behave or x y z is going to happen isn't ever going to work for him. The teacher and the principal have already told me repeatedly that the class sizes are too large for them to deal with his behavior issues one on one. I can't be there in his class every day to calm him down and if a cop and a juvenile hall tour can't set him straight I might as well plan for his expulsion hearing.
So I called his old therapist, but he can't take Poe on again because he's moving out of town in a few months. He did however have some ideas for me, and he wanted me to call the special education department and set up an IEP. I already know the school doesn't really want to do that; they declined the request for a therapist referral (because they would have to pay for it), so I called the Special Education department myself. The school district psychologist called me back and at first seemed to be trying hardcore to talk me out of going for an IEP, telling me Poe would be labeled emotionally disturbed, blah blah blah, so I basically said same thing I said here - he's been to therapy, he's resistant to all types of discipline, he's had a cop in his face telling him exactly where he's going to go if he keeps this up and he's still losing control. Clearly, if he could manage his behavior, he would be by now. So finally the psychologist was all, 'hmm, if this has been going on for at least four years and not getting any better it could mean a serious problem.' You think??
So what I've been told at this point is that we have to set up a Behavior Support plan first, meaning he's expected to not hurt people, disrupt class, or he'll have x y z consequences *headdesk* and if he can't stick with that (I give it three days) and then when it's clear (omigawd how is it not clear yet??) that he is not capable of sticking to it then they decide to recommend he be screened or something for an IEP. I also set up an appointment for Wednesday morning with a new therapist and an appointment with our local Youth Development center that works with troubled kids and may have some resources for someone to help in school since clearly the school itself does not or cannot provide that. But that appointment is not until the 22nd of November.
My fear is that while we are waiting for all this bureacracy and red tape he's going to hurt the teacher or another kid and be expelled before anything gets off the ground. I don't want him to hurt anyone. I don't know where I went wrong. I don't know what to do next. I feel like I have failed as a parent. My child is about to lose his education and severely impact his future and I don't know how to stop it.
I'm sorry for the rambling - I am half asleep and crazy with stress. Any insight, thoughts, and all would be much appreciated.
I have been lurking for a few days and decided to throw my hat in the ring. I am so happy I stumbled on this forum...I can't tell you how alone and guilt ridden I've felt, like I would never know anyone who's been through this.
I have three children, two boys and one girl. My oldest, Salinger, is 14. After suspecting Asperger's for about two years and being brushed off by any professional, teacher, etc I asked (he doesn't have severe behavioral issues, but ZERO social skills and has been bullied frequently), plus resistance from husband, I finally put my foot down and got the process started to have him evaluated. That seems to be going ok so far, but a very slow process that I can save for another post.
Right now, Salinger's issues look like a sweet candy coated dream next to his little brother's. Poe is eight years old. As far as I know he's not ADHD, Aspie (totally different development from his older brother) nor does he have any learning disabilities, but his behavior is out of control.
His violent temper tantrums probably started around the time any kid's would, two or so. I thought they were normal at first though they seemed more severe then his siblings ever did, and believe me, my older two could throw some enormous fits. But three came, and they got worse. I remember having to hold him in my arms in bed at night just to get some sleep, and him hitting me and screaming for hours. Four, not really much better. Five came, along with kindergarten. WHAT A DISASTER. I was so naive. I thought he'd be more like his older brother and sister, angels at school, devilish at home. Not even close. Turns out, Poe is not afraid to scream at authority figures. Or hit them. Or throw chairs at them.
The hitting me at home and his siblings got much worse as well.After many parent teacher conferences, him being sent home several times, switching classrooms, etc he got suspended at least once, perhaps twice. His school really worked with us but they had to reduce him to half days and for the last two weeks of school, I went with him every day. He went to therapy too, with a school referral. First grade was much better. He did get into trouble, but his teacher had been prepared for him, (had actually requested him, brave new teacher that she was), and he seemed to do fairly well with her. We moved halfway into the year but I kept him at that school for the rest of the year though it meant walking a mile back and forth each day.
But last September I had to get a job and stay at home mom status went bye bye. No way could I keep him in that school without transportation when another school was 3 blocks from our house. So I switched him and boy, did he sink like the Titanic. Last year he wouldn't do his work at all, threw stuff, hit other students, was generally disruptive and rude, the list goes on and on. His teachers clearly did not want to deal with him, and it was complaint after complaint after complaint.
This year is the worst yet. Same school as last year. This is the 'rich' school of our small town, so of course it has the best reputation but it's pretty clear they are not accustomed to dealing with students like Poe. He's completely lost it and last Thursday, he flipped out when his teacher tried to take his chair so he'd stop squeaking it and disrupting the class. He hit her three times and had to be restrained from doing it again, all in front of his classmates. The principal called us absolutely livid, and we had to meet with her as well as the police. She wanted him cited and in front of a judge. The police officer talked her out of that and had a very serious talk with Poe about where his behavior could lead. Poe was pretty scared; I don't think he ever thought that 'kid jail' was real, much less that a uniformed officer would show up and threaten to take him there. He's suspended for three days. The principal is very upset with Poe and the whole situation and has told us if this happens again he will be expelled. At eight!!
We also had to take him to juvenile hall for a mini tour (they toned it down quite a bit due to his age). Fun times and a real scary glimpse of what the future could be.
I am at my wit's end. Our first therapist gave us The Explosive Child and I've been re-reading it like crazy. I know that we haven't always been consistent with our discipline, and I know that there have been stressors in our lives and big changes for Poe, like when I went back to work, but I don't know what we did, or didn't do, to have a child this out of control. I have been reading parenting books since before my oldest was born and I have tried so hard with so many different methods. We also have him in an afterschool karate program that also does homework with him, (the little he will do) and works on behavior and aggression.
If you saw Poe in person, it would be hard to believe what I just wrote about him. He's such a sweetheart most of the time, and extremely affectionate. Can be so loving to everyone, our animals, and his siblings. He is a social kid, but it's hard for him to make friends because they see him lose it in class and they are afraid of him. He's much better at home then at school. He does chores now, helps around the house, is happy and sunny and sweet most of the time. But when something happens or he feels overwhelmed (has to go to school when he's really tired, any time he has to do homework, had a fight with bro or sis and can't deal) my sweet boy turns into a mini monster, slapping my arms, trying to head butt me, (and sadly, this is better than when he'd have dangerous heavy objects flying at my head a couple of years ago or hitting me in the face), screaming that he hates me and I'm the worst mom in the world, etc, etc. This has gone well beyond all the feedback I've been given about him over the years, he's strong willed, he's spoiled, he's too smart for his own good and bored, etc. There is something wrong.
That was reinforced for me today. I had to take the morning off work to be at home with him and I tried to get him to do his homework, thinking, well, he talked to a cop two days ago, he knows this is serious, now he's got motivation. Apparently not. When he got frustrated with the homework he threw the papers. I told him to just move on to another page and we'd go back to it later when he felt better and try it again. UM NO. He threw the papers again. I very calmly put him in time out on the stairs. He picked up a couple of little tiny things and threw them at me, had to be warned not to hit, and when I extended his time out he spit at me.
I finally got him to calm down and explain to me why he was so upset, and then I went in the other room and cried. I know that he can be worked with, but just telling him to behave or x y z is going to happen isn't ever going to work for him. The teacher and the principal have already told me repeatedly that the class sizes are too large for them to deal with his behavior issues one on one. I can't be there in his class every day to calm him down and if a cop and a juvenile hall tour can't set him straight I might as well plan for his expulsion hearing.
So I called his old therapist, but he can't take Poe on again because he's moving out of town in a few months. He did however have some ideas for me, and he wanted me to call the special education department and set up an IEP. I already know the school doesn't really want to do that; they declined the request for a therapist referral (because they would have to pay for it), so I called the Special Education department myself. The school district psychologist called me back and at first seemed to be trying hardcore to talk me out of going for an IEP, telling me Poe would be labeled emotionally disturbed, blah blah blah, so I basically said same thing I said here - he's been to therapy, he's resistant to all types of discipline, he's had a cop in his face telling him exactly where he's going to go if he keeps this up and he's still losing control. Clearly, if he could manage his behavior, he would be by now. So finally the psychologist was all, 'hmm, if this has been going on for at least four years and not getting any better it could mean a serious problem.' You think??
So what I've been told at this point is that we have to set up a Behavior Support plan first, meaning he's expected to not hurt people, disrupt class, or he'll have x y z consequences *headdesk* and if he can't stick with that (I give it three days) and then when it's clear (omigawd how is it not clear yet??) that he is not capable of sticking to it then they decide to recommend he be screened or something for an IEP. I also set up an appointment for Wednesday morning with a new therapist and an appointment with our local Youth Development center that works with troubled kids and may have some resources for someone to help in school since clearly the school itself does not or cannot provide that. But that appointment is not until the 22nd of November.
My fear is that while we are waiting for all this bureacracy and red tape he's going to hurt the teacher or another kid and be expelled before anything gets off the ground. I don't want him to hurt anyone. I don't know where I went wrong. I don't know what to do next. I feel like I have failed as a parent. My child is about to lose his education and severely impact his future and I don't know how to stop it.
I'm sorry for the rambling - I am half asleep and crazy with stress. Any insight, thoughts, and all would be much appreciated.
