New and a very tired parent

[Cari Lynn]

I am the mother of a 16 year old son. I honestly don't know where to start, if this journey will end well, and each day it is a chore to find the will to smile, to just be and to not curl up somewhere and sleep. I have a small farm with horses, chickens, elderly dogs and a house mouse, thank goodness for them as they keep me moving.

My son is a challenge to us, his attitude and manners began to slip his freshman year of high school and no matter what we did, not being on him all the time, being too firm, not firm enough, talking to his teachers, trying to help, talking, yelling, grounding, taking things away, etc. he showed no want or will to change. He isn't as bad with me as he is with his father, but this year, with him getting up in his dad's face (and this is his biological dad), curling his hands into a fist, throwing papers in his face, yelling, walking away, slamming the door, not doing his home work, not paying attention in school, and everything we ask him to do, it is a challenge to get him to show any initiative other than rush through it and disappear into the house. He wants to sit in front of the tv, play video games, or read. He has no real friends so we never see him go out or talk to anyone.

I did finally contact an adolescent child psychologist who has been seeing him on a weekly basis for about a month now. He too is seeing that when our son Drew does not want to speak, he will not. Last night, we tried to come to a middle ground with his chores and it is like he wants to not even have any, most of them he is irritated he has to do them. Such as cleaning his room, he says I want it cleaned and perfect, I explained no but vacume, dust, make his bed every day, things that are expected. He doesn't feel he should do it as I want it, that he has no "space". Same with cleaning his bathroom once a week...its a constant battle of what HE wants, and when we try to compromise, it never seems to be good enough as he will not meet us half way or even try. The counselor said, if he doesn't do his chores, what few he has, to my satisfaction, make him do it over, if he gets ****** off, too bad.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. Right now were trying to get the paperwork here so I can fill it all out and get a complete psychiatric evaluation done on him so we can at least have some clues as to why he is acting in such a manner. There has been no trauma, no harsh or hard parenting, he did not move around like our eldest daughter did while my husband was active duty military, so were at a loss to all his "problems".

His dad wants to kick him out when he gets to 18 and graduates high school, as he is done with these games he feels Drew is playing, and also feels he is telling the counselor what he thinks he wants to hear and playing games with him too. Me, I am really getting to the end of my patience and understanding, last night he came to me and hugged my shoulders twice, I didn't even turn or look at him, I just don't have it in me and while part of me knows he probably needs that warmth or understanding from his mom...why should I?

Anyone else feel this way? Am I a horrid mom?

 

[DDD]

Welcome. You have found a wonderful place for support and we're glad to have you.

It sounds to me like you're headed in the right direction. Many of us have or have had teens who can be defined as beyond our understanding. When you know that there have been no apparent triggers for that behavior and when you know you have done and are continuning to do everything possible to help...it's terribly depressing! Quite a few of us have discovered that substance abuse was the root of the problems but it doesn't sound as though he is connected to the opportunity to use.

Why you wait for the evaluation perhaps you could inquire about family counseling. At least then your husband would be able to hear what difficult child is saying. From extended family experience I do tend to think that military Dads have a more difficult time coping with insubordination. on the other hand sometimes it is necessary to keep a little distance from the difficult child for awhile so emotions can stabilize.....don't feel guilty! Sending caring thoughts your way. DDD

 

[BusynMember]

Hi and welcome.
Do you think maybe he got involved in drugs? Nothing says "apathy" like pot.
Nothing makes a good kid change overnight like any drug use/alcohol.
As a mom who had a drug using teenager, I'm here to assure you that no matter how close you watch your teen, if he wants to use drugs, he/she will.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Drugs were my first thought, too. He may be getting them at school and using alone. My difficult child has always been a difficult child but my gosh everything got so much worse when she started using drugs.
Welcome. Please don't feel guilty about how you feel. It's natural to feel that way towards some one who treats you like dog doo. As far as his bedroom goes, I believe in picking your battles. They are the ones that have to live in the middle of the filth. You would think eventually they would have to tire of it and clean it up. Nonetheless, picking your battles will be easier on YOU. It is very stressful to fight many battles every day. Try sticking to the important ones. Just my two cents.

 

[Bunny]

Hello, and welcome.

First off, you are NOT a horrid mom. I guess we have all felt that way from time to time, but it's not your fault and you can not own this. The only thing that you can control is how you respond to your son, not how he behaves towards you.

My first thought was has he gotten involved in drugs? I know that my son has behaved the way he behaved since he was little, but you say your son only started acting this way when he was a freshman. Also, has he had a complete physical by his doctor lately? Maybe it's something medical? Could it be a girl? Nothing turns a boy around quicker than a pretty girl, I think.

I completely understand how you feel when your husband says that your son tells the therapist what he wants to hear. There are times when I think my son does the same thing, and I find it completely exasperating!

Pam

 

[Cari Lynn]

So many thank you's! I sat and read the few replies from everyone and cried! I am so emotionally drained, today my husband went through his room, got all the **** he has laying around and found many of the discs from his computer he uses for work in our son's room and one disc that allows him to bypass the passwords and lock downs we have on his own easy child. When he comes home from school in a little bit his dad is going to confront him and in a calm tone, or so I cautioned and hope he will use, tell him that stealing in our home is NOT tolerated.

Drugs...honestly, again, his dad doesn't think so but I am not so sure. He has shown to be so sneaky and deceptive in the house where we are, who is to say what he is doing when he isn't with us. I have the OTC drug test under my sink and all I need is his first mornings urine, but have yet to ask. I think part of me is afraid of what I may find and I honestly can't deal with it just yet. Perhaps I am a coward but one thing at a time. If it is, then it would explain some of the ups and downs he exhibits.

Can someone explain the abbreviations you all use? Like difficult child, DDD, etc please?

 

[Jena]

hey and welcome!!

difficult child is gift from god what we call our little "monsters" lol

drugs can always be a possiblity yet i noticed you wrote he has no friends. was this always the case with-him or is it sudden since high school? i read that and that hit me hard.

 

[Jena]

more thoughts lol. i know from watching my almost 18 year old now high school is often a social place for the kids. supposed to be academic but you know how it goes. him not having any friends could be something there. friends are a huge part of life especially a teens. that makes me think why. did he have friends in middle school, was he always a loner?

depression in kids i came to learn with my youngest can look really different in kids. it can almost come across like nastiness, defiance, etc. irritability. while adults we just kinda drag our butts around wanting that corner to die in kids present totally different. i think the evaluations a good idea.

 

[toughlovin]

I too wondered about drugs, but then those of us who had that as our first thought have teens who have drug problems. I will say that when my son started seriously smoking pot a LOT of it was done at school and during school. So he may be doing it there or getting it there. AND there are other reasons why teens behave like your son without it being drugs, but it is something you want to keep an eye out for.

I also think this is the age where boys in particular need to find a way to separate from their moms. I think this can be a hard process for some boys. A certain amount of needing privacy, time alone etc is totally normal teenage development. I think it is also a time where teens want to develop a sensen of independence and self determination and really resent any feeling that they are being controlled. So I would think a bit about the ares you can let him have control and areas where you can't. For me personally I would leave his room alone, let that be his space and let him have it clean or messy as he likes.... short of things like leaving food around and getting ants to something. At the same time hold him accountable for the chores he needs to be doing for the family.... I have never been all that good at this so I can't really tell you how to do this just that you should. LOL.

And of course you are not a horrid mom, your feelings sound familiar to me for sure.

 

[Cari Lynn]

My son had some friends when he was in middle school, would go to birthday parties, have them over for his, but once high school hit that is when all our problems began. As if I had to give it a word, he does seem to be a loner. I can't get him motivated to do anything, not chores, grades, homework, sports, I even share my passion for my draft horses with him, and he just is sullen. I praise him when he does well, I try to talk to him and explain till I am blue in the face and very frustrated.

We talked to him tonight and his dad was very angry as he cleaned all the papers and **** he stuffed in his closet and we took the kids books off his book shelf so he had more room and his dad found the cd's and computer programs he had specifically asked him if he had, our son said no. A fight ensued of words, so when his dad went out to start feeding our horses, I asked Drew what was wrong and he said he just wanted to be alone and left alone then burst into tears. I told him that I can't help if I don't know how and that if there is something wrong I need to know. He said no and he didn't know what was wrong, so I left him be. I guess being a neat freak is bad for him as I want things clean, but you all may be right, I need to let him have HIS room as he likes and/or wants it, just go in and make the bed or hang his clothes up and wash them when needed.

I am hopeful that once we get the results back from the psychiatric evaluation, we can then approach this with a new light. I know our counselor said he has a very high I.Q, I believe 162 range. I just to find him some peace and for him to be the loving, caring, sensitive young man I know he is.

 

[Jena]

i'm sure you will. those evaluations are very thorough and insightful. just try to hang on till than. i know it isn't easy.