New - and hurting

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Rainbird, May 4, 2011.

  1. Rainbird

    Rainbird New Member

    I am the mother of an 18 year old daughter (turned 4 days ago). Long story short, I caught her lying, doing drugs, skipping school, etc. After long years of disrespect, etc. I sent her across town to her Fathers house (with promises of him helping). It turned into a them against me situation with her Father buying her love and her playing the princess. She has now moved out on her own. I have her stuff packed and he will move it on Sunday. Our only communication is through Facebook. She is completely rude and if we were to talk it would just end up in an argument. By using the computer as communication at least I can think before I speak and try to remain calm.

    Is there any advice that any of you can give me in dealing with this situation? Books to read that may help ease the pain?
  2. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome Rainbird,
    I'm sorry for your hurting heart. I don't have any advice (I haven't been there done that). My own daughter will be 18 in July and we may have to have her move out (totally different circumstances) and I know it will be very difficult if we have to have her leave. We do have a PE forum for parents of kids who are over 18 and you might get more responses there but many also check out the general board.

    I'm thinking right now communicating through facebook might be a good start. Hopefully she will come to see how much you love her and that it isn't an "us against you" situation. Our teenagers sure to put us through the wringer-don't they?

    I hope while she is out you are able to be gentle with yourself and take care of you. Find some times for things you really enjoy doing. Sending hugs your way.
  3. ski10

    ski10 New Member

    Hello Rainbird,
    I am very new here myself, my daughter is also 18, my ex-husband was always the one who "bought" her too, very hard to watch, now she has nothing to do with him, thank god.

    I agree with communicating through FB right now, until she calms down, I know it hurts for you, I have had so much good advice, it really is helping and I am so glad I found this site to save my sanity!
  4. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    It's difficult when they think they are adult. All I can suggest is to keep doing what you are doing, and be patient. Once a child leaves home, there is no return. Even if one day she comes back to sleep under your roof, it will be on adult terms, never again will she be your child under your roof. You need to change how you deal with her and communicate with her, to reflect this. She will continue to make some bad choices, but at 18 legally they are HER choices. Not yours. All you can do at this stage is love them and be there to help pick up the pieces.

    One important piece of advice - ignore the people who tell you that she is now an adult and you have to let her fail. To a certain extent, yes. But if she asks for support, be there for her. Do not dump her in it or let her sink simply because she was the one who walked away.

    I no longer tell my adult kids what to do, but I AM free with my advice, if I think it will be listened to. Otherwise I just listen.

    Check our the Parent Emeritus forum, see if it can help.

  5. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    WElcome, Rainbird.
    I am so sorry for you pain and understand completely. This situation is not teaching your daughter any useful life skills.
    Still, at least you know where she is and (sort of) how she is faring, since you communicate on FB. That's more than a lot of people have.
    I have no books to recommend.
    I agree with-Marg and others that the Parent Emeritus board would be helpful to you.
  6. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Patience, Patience, Patience.

    Do not hold any grudges about the past. Use this time to heal from all the hurts over the years. Start fresh for you.

    I am going to bet within a couple years she will bring the relationship to where you want it to be. Let her do it. She is young and stupid (as in young-stupid, not academically stupid) and may make some mistakes that make her life more difficult. Her life, her choice.

    She will mature. When she does she will understand more about your parenting role.

    Stay friendly and helpful on Facebook. Eventually she will ask for advice.

    There is a possibility I am wrong, but the % that I am right is pretty high. I have been here for years and have seen the cycle over and over again.

    My own daughter is living on her own (at 19) and she is truly a joy for me now. We had our dark days and she went to live with daddy, too. It was like the day she moved out a huge weight was lifted for her and she was able to see more clearly. I can not explain it, but it happened.

    Have faith and heal. Do some nice things for yourself. That is my advice.
  7. Last ♡ Hope

    Last ♡ Hope New Member

    Oh mama, I know this has to hurt your heart. :sorrysmiley:

    I don't have much in the way of advice, my difficult child is only six. Right now, he is so miserable to live with that I am *counting* the days until he turns 18 and I can boot his butt out of my house and be rid of him.

    Maybe I'll feel differently when he actually leaves...

    Anyway, I'm sorry you are hurting. Maybe once reality kicks her squarely in the seat of her pants, she'll eventually come around. My mom and I weren't close until I hit my 30's...
  8. Jena

    Jena New Member

    welcome....... you've found a great place, yet sorry you had to find us!

    well i'm going thru pretty much the same exact thing, yet replace the drugs with alcohol, and she's not at her dad's she's living with her friends' mother against our will and wants for her.

    i've learned sooo much through my journey in this....... go to the forum for kids over 18 or out of the house. i have a thread there. learning slowly and a few others..... may help you. i've gotten some great advice here and am working with a therapist.

    it's hard to see your kid go out there before their ready. mine moved out two weeks ago, and it's been soo hard. i cried alot in the beginning as i'm sure you will, I also felt a sense of relief as well that there would be no more blow ups in our home due to her. she was like a loose cannon.

    for us we tried to put her in therapy and give her an ssri to calm the rage she has within. i dont' know if her dad would be willing to do that. for us we feel that this other parent allowing her to live there, feed her, provide shelter is enabling her to continue making bad choices.

    is your ex ready to set rules, stick to them...... or he wants to play the "good" parent and give her what she wants?? is there anyway to show him hes' just enabling her??

    try to learn from my mistakes of the last week to save yourself anguish and grief. our goal is to get her home, get her help etc. yet i've made some choices that dont' add up to my eventual goal. i took care of her still, took her to doctor's etc. i had to do a total disconnect except for time spent together (with rules also) that there would be zero blow ups, and that if there were she'd be removed or we'd remove ourselves......

    it's not easy, yet from what i'm hearing this too shall pass

    good luck hang in there

  9. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    On FaceBook, visualise yourself as a cushion for her. Nothing more. She has chosen to live independently, this means she needs to sort out her own problems. Or at least own them. If she asks for help, help her but make it clear - the choice to ask for help is hers. The choice to provide help is yours. This can be revoked by either party at any time, no recriminations.

    She will learn, but will learn the hard way.

    I was not strictly a difficult child, but I was a very innocent kid, very sheltered (to an extreme level). For practical reasons, I had to leave home at 17. With my parents' cautious blessing. Almost immediately, I had problems. A year later, the problems were a lot bigger. I had to go through it, there was no other path for me. There was a lot I did not ever tell my parents, they would have ben very distressed. I never actually got raped, but there were a number of attempts, including two very scary violent attacks. In one of them I actually had to play dead. It really is scary.

    But it made me appreciate my family and the people who loved me. It also made me realise that the rest of the world does not know me and therefore does not really care. I have to make my own mark on the world by myself, stand and fall on my own terms. That realisation also made me appreciate my loved ones all the more.

    easy child 2/difficult child 2 is considered by almost all who know her, to be very young. She looks a lot younger than her years and therefore people were horrified when she got married, although she was 23 at the time. I was only 22 when I married, plus I felt confident in her choice and her level of commitment to SIL2. But she now lives an independent life. In fact, she moved in with him at 20.

    I see a lot more of her on FB these days than any other way, even though there is no rift between us. However, I am certain there is a lot she is not telling me. We only hear of their dire financial straits when they need to borrow more money. We are helping them out but they know we're keeping a tab and will need to be paid back when they can afford it. As a result, they only ask when it's us, or the bailiffs.

    An interesting new development that when you get it, will herald a wonderful new phase in your relationship - easy child 2/difficult child 2 contacted me via FB and asked me to please 'friend' a young friend of hers who needed some urgent advice. I did so, had a long 'chat' via instant message with the girl and since then have posted supportive stuff on other posts by this girl.

    I have a rule (please do not laugh, anybody) to not tolerate hateful personal attacks appearing on my FB page. If I see it, regardless of the political or personal stance, I will challenge it. Life is too short for each of us, to waste energy being personally abusive. I try to teach my children the same principles. Now THAT is a work in progress! But if you try to live your life as a loving, caring person and apply this to your now adult offspring, you are off to a good start and setting the pattern for your relationship from this point on.

  10. Rainbird

    Rainbird New Member

    Thank you all for you advice, and most of all for the shoulder to lean on. This forum is amazing, you guys GET IT. Other forums I tried basically told me "teens will be teens, deal with it" and made me feel like I was a horrible mother for sending her to live with her Dad. I think you all get that end of the rope feeling where you just can't take one more thing.

    An update = for the past few days I have been packing her stuff for her Dad to move to her on Sunday. I told her I would not be giving her the expensive coin collections she owns. I told her they would be given to her when she is a bit older (and wiser!) She told me they are worthless, that the pawn shops wouldn't even buy them (this child has never been in a pawn shop in her life - how would she know that? Obvious she has asked around. She also said she has my second set of my car keys (and remote). And that if I "would just be nice she might actually bring them to me". Blown away to say the least.
  11. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Breathtakingly arrogant. And foolish. Because technically, you could have the police go fetch them from her. If you formally let her know, in writing, that those keys and remote are no longer to be in her possession and you want them back, and she refuses, then she is in illegal possession. Bringing them back to you "if you're nice" is not the issue.

    However, I wouldn't recommend getting heavy with her. Yet. But I would talk to the police, off the record, about what you are able to do in order to reclaim your keys.

    I would be curious to know what she actually means by "being nice".