New and in need

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Forrestsmom, Dec 19, 2016.

  1. Forrestsmom

    Forrestsmom New Member

    My son, Forrest, is adjust 25 years old. He's been diagnosed with ADHD and Aspergers syndrome, since he was in middle school.
    We made a move from California to Hawaii nine years ago and ever since we got here, things have been horrible for Forrest. He's talked about suicide, been involved in drug use, been homeless multiple times, been beaten up badly, etc.
    The relationship between he and I is horrible. I was young when I had him and unprepared for parenting and I was verbally and physically abusive to him from the time he was little. It took me seven years to make some changes, but I finally did. But Forrest has been angry at me since he was a young boy. I know you have nothing but disrespect for me. He cusses me out, get the my face, brings homeless people into my house, exedra. When I kick him out, he cries, tells me he's going to be on the street, the hell died there, and it'll be all my fault, because I've always Been a horrible mom.
    I lost my job so we had to move in with my younger sister. She has definite boundaries with him and has told him that he cannot talk to her the way he talks to me. Basic rules of respect. He hangs out with friends while and he's at home. Friends he's met on the street. Every couple of weeks I'll come home and sleep for a while and then leave again. Last night he came home Kama got completely disrespectful of my sister, and she told him that he has to leave this morning. You have nowhere to go, it's 31 degrees outside, and I'm a nervous wreck! I feel horrible but I have promoted the cycle of disrespect and enabled him into thinking that everyone owes them something, because I felt I owed him everything for the job I did as a mother early on. How am I going to let my sun live on the street, and the cold, not knowing where he's going to lay his head, or get his next meal? I don't know how I'm going to do this!
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Im sorry for your heartache. Is there a father around? Do you think your son would qualify for social security? He could get services to help him if he qualifies for social security. Sounds as if he has bonafide disabilities. You dont know how to help him. Outside help could help him. If he accepts the help.

    There are also shelters for sleep. I volunteered at one and everyone got a church lady home cooked meal, a mattress and blanket, and a packed lunch at leaving time
    We offered donated coats, socks, boots and other outerwear. The only thing is you did have to collie rules of no violence or drug use on the church. Because of the no drug rule some chose to be cold.
    In your house, it is her rules.

    At 25, Son needs to learn to live apart from you, even if he has to get outside help. There is nothing you can do.
     
    Last edited: Dec 19, 2016
  3. Forrestsmom

    Forrestsmom New Member

    His father has never been in the picture. I don't know if he'll qualify for social security. I don't even know where to start.
     
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    He can apply online and you'd have to gather all his evaluation and medical records.Adults on the autistic spectrum usually qualify.To talk with somebody, contact your office of Aging and Disability. No, you don't need to be a senior citizen.
     
  5. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    I can not really help you here a lot he is a adult with issues it sand hope he will get help. Its all on him bow he has a lot of help available to him.
     
  6. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    Hi and welcome to the forum.
    I’m trying to get a clearer picture on your situation. I hope you don’t mind if I ask some questions. You said ever since you got there (to California?), he has been difficult.
    · Did you live in Hawaii originally and then move to California 9 years ago, and you are still in California now?
    · When you lived in Hawaii, did your son identify more with the local culture and customs and family there?
    · If this is the case, do you think coming to the mainland was a big culture shock for your son at that difficult teen age transition time where kids need to feel they belong?
    · Did he leave close relatives / friends in Hawaii when you moved to the mainland?
    · Is there anyone else who he looks up to (where you are or in Hawaii) Any uncles, cousins, calabash friends? Anyone else anywhere who has an interest in him?
    · Is he on drugs? I think most folks on the street and homeless have access to drugs.

    From your description, I get a picture of him as a kid 9 years ago, who likely did not fit into a group when you made the move to the mainland (very different from all his life-style in Hawaii), and since then he acted out his frustrations, etc, and felt angry, defiant (perhaps at you for moving him away from what he was familiar with in Hawaii? who knows?) And now he finds the homeless folks to be friends with, where he feels comfortable and accepted, with others like himself, that he can identify with. because he senses he does not fit in with you and his Auntie. Especially now he is an adult man, and he senses he is not welcome at your home, he knows the pain he is causing you, and that probably makes him feel more guilty with himself and more angry with you and your sister, and angry at himself also.

    I am very sorry that I have no answers for you about what to do right now. You need to be sure you and your sister are safe in your home. Is it possible for you to have a somewhat peaceful normal conversation with your son, to explain how you feel and that he can get help if he wants it, how he can go to a shelter and apply for their work programs, etc. That you want to encourage and support him to try to get help?

    @SomewhereOutThere and @A dad made some good suggestions above, advising to inquire how to apply for benefits. That could be a start for him. I’ll be following along.

    We understand your heartache here. You are not alone. Keep visiting to the forum and read other people's threads also, where we all learn and get encouragement from each other. Hang in there.
     
  7. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree

    Hi and welcome. I too had difficult time with son when younger. He had temper outbursts, defiance disorder, ADHD, learning disability which I didn't discover until he was 4. I thought he was just strong willed. He would go from happy to violent in 60 seconds. I was hard on him at first not understanding what was wrong. He was first child, I had no idea how to handle such a difficult child. Trial and error. Finally after daycare suggested something was wrong, got him tested and then went to behavior specialist who showed us how to help him when he was out of control. Yes, the guilt of a parent not having the skills do deal with such a child is hard. I made mistakes with him, this I know. I did apologize to him and we talked about it over the years. But you make decisions at the time you think are best for them and your family.

    I would seek counseling to handle the guilt issues for yourself. Maybe joint counseling after that. We can't allow ourselves to be their whipping boy because we weren't perfect parents, didn't have the skills and knowledge of how to handle children who have disabilities.

    Call social security and set up appointment for applying for SSDI. Have all medical documentation with you when you go. They will fill out application for you with the info you provide. He definitely should qualify.

    It's hard knowing they are on streets, homeless. But, it's her house, her rules. But this abusive cycle he has with you has to change. YOU have to forgive yourself first. We all have made mistakes and if we could do a redo, that would be great. But we can't. Keep us posted and you will find lot of strength and support here.
     
  8. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome Forrestsmom.

    You might try contacting NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness. They have excellent courses for parents that will offer you not only support, but guidance and resources for yourself as well as your son. You can access them online they have offices in many cities. It usually becomes useful and often necessary for us parents to seek help to figure out how to walk this path we find ourselves on. It isn't easy.

    You have a lot on your plate in addition to your son's behaviors, it may be helpful to seek some kind of counseling for yourself during this difficult time in your life. Many parents here find solace in 12 step groups like Al Anon, Narc Anon and Families Anonymous. A good book to reference is Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie. You may also find some information in the article at the end of my post here on detachment.

    We've all made mistakes with our precious children, there's no manual for parenting difficult adult kids, we wing it doing the very best we can and many times our kids use our guilt to manipulate us. It's helpful when we are in supportive environments like a parent group, 12 step group or a NAMI group so we can see that we're not alone, we can begin to let go of that guilt and find the resources we need to make whatever changes may be necessary to not only make the best choices for our kids, but the best choices for ourselves as well.

    Hang in there Forrestsmom, keep posting, find support for yourself, read books........you're not alone, we've all been where you find yourself.......and remember to be very kind to yourself, nurture yourself......you don't deserve to be treated badly, with our kids it becomes important to learn how to set boundaries around their negative and hurtful behavior. I'm glad you're here with us.
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List