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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 745910" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Welcome. Our story, too, is similar. Everything seemed fine at home until age 16, and then I ascribed it to mild teen rebellion. Then at 18 I had to begin pushing him to do anything. He did complete a trade school program, actually two and a year of college. And he worked a bit over a year as a nurses' aide.</p><p>But then it all fell apart. He only wanted to stay home, was depressed, but would not do one thing to help himself. I asked him to get treatment, and he would not. I kicked him out after 6 months. He did stay with family friends for 2 years and got himself on aide.</p><p>My son uses marijuana to excess. He has been homeless off and on for 5 years. When he does not live with me, he is homeless. My son does not do anything useful. He refuses psychiatric treatment.</p><p>This is us.</p><p>This too.</p><p>As long as you let his threats and your fear to control you, that will be your status quo. Your worrying will not protect him. In fact, not one thing you can do will protect him EXCEPT to call the police or emergency services every single time he makes or infers a threat. My son has stopped making suicide threats.</p><p></p><p>You need to know that if you decide to not allow him to follow you to the new house, it may get worse before it gets better. Or it may not get better. My son is homeless and sleeping in a friend's truck. </p><p></p><p>In my case I have more or less accepted that NOTHING I do helps. That I can try a range of things 100 times more and it will not only NOT work, (because he does what he wants, and lives as he wants) but I get sick and surrender my life. For nothing.</p><p></p><p>But still, everybody here that posts on my threads, knows that I keep fighting with myself, because I want to keep trying. Even knowing that my direct involvement in his life does not help, and is very difficult for me, I have illusions that NEXT time it will. </p><p></p><p>I feel a great deal of sadness. It is very hard to have my serenity, my space, my energy--knowing my son is out there. It is the empty space that is HIM in me. That is worse. My son is my only child. It is like my life in the place where he is just kind of fell off a cliff. I don't know how to fill it. </p><p></p><p>But the thing is, what is my choice? Our children deserve their lives. Just as we deserve ours. On an intellectual level I realize it is deeply disrespectful to insist that another grown adult live according to my rules, based upon my needs. I get this, but my heart does not.</p><p></p><p>As far as your plan, I believe it is imminently reasonable and correct. When your child is balking at every step, imposing his rules rather than accepting yours, living unhealthily (or a way you believe to be unhealthy), not seeking and following through with needed help, it is time for that adult to live independently. This is a young man who is able to work. He is basically just blowing everything off. I came to realize that it was deeply wrong for me to subsidize this.</p><p></p><p>Does it feel good? No. Do I vacillate? Yes. Do I doubt myself? Yes. Am I sad? Yes. </p><p></p><p>But bottom line, there is no other way. For me. My son is living his life as he chooses. For us, there is a way for him to come back. But it is not step one, two, three or four. Those steps are his to make. It sounds like you are in the same place.</p><p></p><p>We can have hopes for our children, but after they achieve adulthood, the only expectations that work are theirs for themselves.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 745910, member: 18958"] Welcome. Our story, too, is similar. Everything seemed fine at home until age 16, and then I ascribed it to mild teen rebellion. Then at 18 I had to begin pushing him to do anything. He did complete a trade school program, actually two and a year of college. And he worked a bit over a year as a nurses' aide. But then it all fell apart. He only wanted to stay home, was depressed, but would not do one thing to help himself. I asked him to get treatment, and he would not. I kicked him out after 6 months. He did stay with family friends for 2 years and got himself on aide. My son uses marijuana to excess. He has been homeless off and on for 5 years. When he does not live with me, he is homeless. My son does not do anything useful. He refuses psychiatric treatment. This is us. This too. As long as you let his threats and your fear to control you, that will be your status quo. Your worrying will not protect him. In fact, not one thing you can do will protect him EXCEPT to call the police or emergency services every single time he makes or infers a threat. My son has stopped making suicide threats. You need to know that if you decide to not allow him to follow you to the new house, it may get worse before it gets better. Or it may not get better. My son is homeless and sleeping in a friend's truck. In my case I have more or less accepted that NOTHING I do helps. That I can try a range of things 100 times more and it will not only NOT work, (because he does what he wants, and lives as he wants) but I get sick and surrender my life. For nothing. But still, everybody here that posts on my threads, knows that I keep fighting with myself, because I want to keep trying. Even knowing that my direct involvement in his life does not help, and is very difficult for me, I have illusions that NEXT time it will. I feel a great deal of sadness. It is very hard to have my serenity, my space, my energy--knowing my son is out there. It is the empty space that is HIM in me. That is worse. My son is my only child. It is like my life in the place where he is just kind of fell off a cliff. I don't know how to fill it. But the thing is, what is my choice? Our children deserve their lives. Just as we deserve ours. On an intellectual level I realize it is deeply disrespectful to insist that another grown adult live according to my rules, based upon my needs. I get this, but my heart does not. As far as your plan, I believe it is imminently reasonable and correct. When your child is balking at every step, imposing his rules rather than accepting yours, living unhealthily (or a way you believe to be unhealthy), not seeking and following through with needed help, it is time for that adult to live independently. This is a young man who is able to work. He is basically just blowing everything off. I came to realize that it was deeply wrong for me to subsidize this. Does it feel good? No. Do I vacillate? Yes. Do I doubt myself? Yes. Am I sad? Yes. But bottom line, there is no other way. For me. My son is living his life as he chooses. For us, there is a way for him to come back. But it is not step one, two, three or four. Those steps are his to make. It sounds like you are in the same place. We can have hopes for our children, but after they achieve adulthood, the only expectations that work are theirs for themselves. [/QUOTE]
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