new and sad to be here

[BackintheSaddle]

And Jakesmom....my spawn also calls me "insane", "Bipolar", along with all the other "It's you, it's not meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" terms, blaming me for everything bad that's ever happened in her life. She is an emotional manipulator, pathological liar and thief. She has no long-term friends...her group of friends changes often because when her true colors come out, normal people want to get the hell away from her. The real spawn (and the real Jake) will come out. Maybe not when we would like it to, but it will. Hang in there.

these kids are so similar! it's very striking...your spawn sounds like she talked to mine and they came up with the same things to say...there are clearly themes in all our stories and it's amazing how they all come up with the same stuff--- everything is someone else's fault...one of my "favorites" was that our son said that he almost flunked out of high school because it was too stressful to live with us and study...it had nothing to do with not opening a book ever! or hanging out with his girlfriend all the time...he has a long-term girlfriend and a job he's had for 1 year+ so every time I start feeling assured/confident in myself, I think of that and get sucked into his stories that it IS all me...but like yours, Jake has no long-term friends, he completely controls his girlfriend (i've heard him say horrible things to her and she'll flinch)...at his work, he's even told me that his manager asked him to do something and he said back to him "why don't you do it, you're not doing anything"-- just like him to say something like that...but it's a job that the best people are hard workers (which he is) and charming so they sell more (which he can be very charismatic!)...and now he's living with 2 of the most dysfunctional people on earth (my parents)...my husband believes they will put up with him just to be able to say that it IS all my fault...not that we're speaking now and likely never again...my struggle is figuring out whether and in what way to try and keep a connection with him...everyone's advice has helped me decide to stop paying for his insurance!-- I just have to get up my energy/resolve to tell him that since there'll be backlash (though at least now it won't be in person! so I have to worry he'll hurt me!)...he's a seriously mental ill kid and if he ever is in a place where he can/will get help, I want to be there for him...but until then, I realive I need to back off, not text him, he knows where to find me when he's ready for help (if)...

I'm so sorry this happened to you, Tess...I can't imagine the level of betrayal to have been robbed, first of all, but then to realize it is likely your daughter that helped it to happen (if she didn't do it herself)...I'm sorry about the camera but glad in a way that your husband can now better relate to your feelings...me and my husband aren't on the same page yet but hoping to find that space soon...;-)...

 

[LoveSushi]

Jakesmom, if I were you I would just send them a message telling them that his insurance is cut off as of xx/xx/xx date and if they want to take over the insurance payments, here it the insurance co and policy number, otherwise he will be driving with no insurance.

Let them take care of it. Concentrate on you and your husband. We can't be (or even feel) responsible for our "adult" children's stupid and destructive choices any long. It's not our fault. It's not our fault. It's not our fault. (I'm hoping if I say that enough times I will actually believe it.)

I'm pretty sure my spawn has Borderline personality disorder (Borderline (BPD)) "is a mental health condition in which a person has long-term patterns of unstable or turbulent emotions. These inner experiences often result in impulsive actions and chaotic relationships with other people."

That's describe her to a "T" almost from the moment of birth.

 

[LoveSushi]

I wouldn't be at all surprised if she led someone else through the house to your jewelry and in that way she feels that she didn't actually do it.

Witzend, that is EXACTLY what she-pawn would do! She creates her own reality...and actually seems to believe it. Classic pathological liar.

A few years ago she started telling people she talked to online that she was from in Germany and changed the spelling of her name to be more germanic...I didn't think anything of it; I figured it was just a way to not disclose your true location to online weirdos. Well, apparently she began to actually believe it...when her now mother-in-law called my ex-husband to talk about the wedding, she said something about she-spawn being from Germany and my ex was like, "What? HAHAHAHAHA She was born in XXX and she knows it". So, (I think to save face) she had a big dramatic emotional meltdown, telling her new family-to-be that I had lied to her all her life, I was evil and insane and etc. etc. etc. And that was when she cut off contact with me completely.

She probably traded it for some weed or alcohol. I doubt if we'll ever see the camera or my jewelry again. Or she-spawn.

 

[Childofmine]

All of your words and examples help me a lot.

When my 24yo difficult child started the really bad descent about four years ago, we would all sit down for "talks".

He would say the reason he was doing all of the things he was doing (and we barely knew the tip of the iceberg) is that we had been so strict while he was in high school that he didn't have any fun at all so he was way behind on having fun and needed to catch up.

Plus the fact that we made him go to a middle school he didn't choose meant that he "got behind" in making friends and was still behind in high school. It was all our fault that he was doing the things he was doing.

Really? i mean, really? And to think....I actually spent a lot of time on all of that bs..."well maybe we WERE too hard on him....blah blah blah." Really?

Thank God for the progress I have made and today I know (usually) the bs when I hear it and have no guilt over anything.

We were good parents, very good parents, not perfect parents. Our biggest fault with him was indulging his little boy behavior for way way too long.
The addiction was in full bloom but we were still thinking he "needed more time," "was just immature," etc.

I am really ready to let him go, I mean really let him go. I am sick and tired.

On another thread here in the past few days about defining detachment I read a post that "detachment is a sort of death." First time I have been able to put words to what I have been feeling for the past three weeks. Like he is gone. I love him dearly but the person he was is gone, at least for today. The horrible stranger in his place is not someone I even want to know.

For the first time since this h#*^ began, my first thoughts are for how something having to do with him will affect ME. I am now as concerned for myself as I am him.

I think I get it.


Sent from my iPhone using ConductDisorders

 

[DammitJanet]

Hi, glad to meet you but like others have said, so sorry its in connection to stuff like this. I also have a thief living with me. I really dont understand it much because my other two boys wouldnt dream of doing that.

I hate it when a parent is lied to and you start to wonder if you are wrong the whole time. I am going through that right now. I dont want to believe my son stole from me but I cant imagine it being anyone else but him.

 

[BusynMember]

Janet, you brought up that gaslighting bit that hits many of us when we first realize something's missing. My only child who ever stole from me was daughter and only when she used drugs (I believe there is a direct correlation). She is also extremely bright so she was sneaky about stealing. It would be maybe $20 at a time or sometimes as little as the five I'd kept in my wallet for coffee and when it wouldn't be there I'd question MYSELF, not her, until I decided one day to check her purse. Guess what I found in it and this was before she had a job?

At least I knew I wasn't going senile...yet!! It stopped the embarassment of going for a cup of great coffee that I'd been so looking forward to and finding out I had no money so I had to put $3.00 on my credit card

 

[Echolette]

Tess,
I know how you feel. My son is your daughter (he is 19 as well). DOes it really matter if she did it? What matters (to me, in listening to your story) is that she is a person who might have done it, you know that about her, she has lead a life and developed a relationship with you that leads you to think this of her (probably correctly, by the way, I am in with the others on that)...and now this event, whether you are right or not, has crystalized your understanding of her, and your relationship with her. It is the straw breaking your back (no camel here, sadly, just you).
I get it. I don't care if you are right or if you are wrong. SHe is some one who might have walked through your house, taken your stuff, cursed at you about it...that is who she is. REspond and behave accordingly.
And good for you good for you good for you for calling the police! You SO did the right thing!
Blessings and hopes for you, mama.

 

[Echolette]

I want to add that my difficult child also stole from his siblings..they are disorganized too, so it was always hard to tell if they had lost something or he had taken it...I tried so hard not to blame him always, and I see now that I let him get away with it over and over, and I disrespected and disempowered his siblings, who shouldn't have had to lock their doors to keep their brother from taking their ipods and money. REally??? I let thtat happen to them rather than call a spade a spade? I bent over so far backwards to be fair to difficult child that I was pretzeled into hurting everyone else.
You didn't make that mistake, Tess. You saw what was happening and called it. Good for you.

 

[Echolette]

Debbie.....of course it isn't you. BUt if it is you...then...you did a great thing by helping your son remove himself from your influence! Great parenting! You protected him from badness (I love playing with circular reasoning). He should thank you!
My daughter (not the difficult child, although she had her time on the stage) told me once that I was toxic. I had a rare, rare moment of clarity that was not consumed by guilt...and I said "If that is true then you are the only one who can save yourself from having your life ruined by my toxicity. That is your responsibility". I was right. ITs true. That prism holds no matter how you turn it. It is all of our responsbilities (I'm getting tangled now in singular and pleurals) to keep our lives from being ruined by toxic others, whether they be our parents, our lovers, our children, our bosses, our friends.
You can't ruin his life, only he can do that.

 

[wg67]

I can totally understand Tessa. My daughter who after being rehab got clean for a short time we helped her fight to get her children back from in-laws of hers. But her and in-laws kept joint guardianship. Six months it would have been she had full guardianship back. So to help her out we offered her and her children to live with us rent free so she could save $ for her own place. She did work off and on got money from welfare but yet couldn't buy her children diapers or school supplies. Saying she was paying off debts. What a fool we were she stole jewlery, camera, dvds and other items we didn't notice things missing for a while. Then we started to find drug paraphernalia in our home. We did file police report but it was too late only one item was recovered. Police told everything else was sold at pawn shop already. .my heart goes out to you Tess. Your story is very much like mine. .she blames me for her choices and lies to people about me..I feel ashamed and depressed over it all. Prayers for you

 

[LoveSushi]

Oh wg67, I'm so sorry. I know exactly how you feel...I also feel ashamed and depressed over how my daughter has turned out and what we might have done differently to prevent it. This board has already helped me so much...just knowing that other people are going through the same thing gives me strength. I am just coming to the acceptance that she was born "broken" and until and unless she sees her problems and seeks help, I don't want her in my life in any way. I did the best I could with her, we gave her every advantage any child could ever want (that we could afford), she could have had the world as her oyster with her intelligence and personality. I was abused by her verbally and emotionally for far too long...far too long.

Where is your daughter now? Are you working on "detachment"? Are you still in contact with her?

There is so much wisdom here in this community. Please reach out and accept the support and acceptance that is here. Take good care of yourself, you deserve to be nurtured and spoiled a little.

WE HAVE NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF. We were GOOD parents. We are NOT responsible for the choices and actions of our kids. We can't control it, and we don't have to be victims of it any more!

*hugs* to you.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

"I feel ashamed and depressed over it all."

I wish we could see ourselves as more than whatever the outcome of our helping the kids is turned into by them. We parents find ourselves in such crummy positions. Raising our children is what we do. It is impossible to turn away when they have nothing. Grandchildren lock you in. You did something wonderful for your daughter. There is no way you could have known this would be the outcome.

I am so sorry this happened to you, and that it is still happening. I am glad you found us. We are all dealing with the same kinds of betrayals. Those of us who are retired are looking at the real, irreplaceable costs. But...how do we turn away without feeling just as ashamed and depressed? It's like that old movie, Catch 22.

We are trying to learn something called "detachment" here. That is a skill set which makes all the difference in the world.

So, there is hope, there is a way to learn how to do this and survive it.

Cedar

 

[BusynMember]

I'm actually serious here. The best way to detach from your kids is to cut off the money. You won't hear from them until they need money and beg you for more. If you still refuse, they will again detach from YOU saving you the trouble. They rarely call just to see how we're doing.

 

[LoveSushi]

You are SO right on, MidwestMom.

For the last 3 years, since I first sent she-spawn to live with her father, the ONLY time I've heard from her is when she wanted something, be it a bus pass, a ride, groceries, money...you name it. She always ALWAYS wanted something.