New Company Policies

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by tiredmommy, Aug 23, 2007.

  1. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Well-Known Member

    Dress Code-
    You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you are wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

    Sick Days-
    We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

    Personal Days-
    Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

    Bereavement Leave-
    This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the funeral arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

    Bathroom Breaks-
    Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the "end of the three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category." Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

    Lunch Break-
    Skinny people will get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so the can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get five minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

    Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere. --Management
  2. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member

  3. Star*

    Star* call 911

    I would call in dead tomorrow.

    Thanks for the laugh.

  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

    I think I'll send this to husband. :smile:
  5. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

  6. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    Too funny - it so sounds like a policy our CFO would come up with if she thought she could actually get away with it.