New Court date...

[standswithcourage]

Well my sons new court date is scheduled for July 8. He was arrested back in October for contributing to the deliquency of a minor and using a minor for drug trafficking. He has been in jail ever since except when we bonded him out in May thinking he was ready for a change and to make a change in his life - didnt work - so we had to have the bondsman pick him up at a druggie friends house and haul him back to jail. So now he is wanting to come back home, do drug classes, get GED, go to psychiatrist and get medicine(!), get a job, go to Voc Rehab and do every wonderful thing he can think of - we have done this a million times - taken hiim back after every stint in jail or rehab - it doesnt work - the old friends still live in the neighborhood - his temptations are numerous - we cant supply all the transportation he needs nor anything else - he is 24 - he keeps writing letters that say that is all that will help him - he doesnt need inpatient treatment because he is tired of being locked up and it never works - however I interpret it as to mean I cant have my Xanax in there so I dont want it - I can get my Xanax from the psychiatrist and take it as prescribed (he never did) and live at home - I dont think so - how do I explain this to hiim better - how to I explain to the lawyer, etc. that his idea of outpatient is horrible - who can I tell that he will con them into thinking it is all well and good - I do want the best for him always but know that we have tried this too many times only to fail. Thoughts?

 

[janebrain]

I don't think you are under any obligation to explain anything to anyone. You do not have to have him in your home so no one can make you do anything you don't want to do. Why do you need to explain things to the lawyer? Why do you need to explain things to your son? Why don't you just ignore the letters, the whining, everything, just do not respond to anyone about this situation.

You seem to think you are obliged to do something to get people to understand the situation as you see it. They all have their own viewpoints, let them be. You don't have to act on your son's intentions--you know he is not going to do what he says he is going to do anyway, just let it slide.

Jane

 

[standswithcourage]

OK - I think I will just ignore what time I have left for peace. I just dont want him walking through my door saying I am home Mom! that sounds mean but it is like someone being very sick -no one seems to want tohelp them and we have tried and it turns out bad every time - I will just let it go - maybe I wont even be home or near home when his court date is - they said today that his PD had changed - who knows what will happen

 

[janebrain]

I think it is an excellent idea to not be home or near home when he has his court date! Good luck, I know it is not easy for you.
Jane

 

[slsh]

Susan,

"Home" cannot be your house ever again. He's 24. He's got a whole boatload of problems on his plate, which he thinks he can wash in *your* sink. How much longer are you willing to be on this roller coaster? Problems and promises.... lather, rinse, and repeat.

in my humble opinion, the only person you need to say anything to is him, and what you need to say is he will not be living under your roof again. It's time for him to man up.

I understand how hard it is. BDTD. It's heartbreaking that we are forced into drawing the line. But if we don't, our sons will leech the very life out of us, what life may be left.

Stay away from the courthouse because it's not your problem. I know you love him and want him to be better, but he won't do it until there are no other choices left for him. When your door is open, he still has a choice to *not* work on recovery and getting his life together. You cannot fix him.

 

[standswithcourage]

True and I will not be at the courthouse. I will not intervene with what ever happens I just know that I cant take a rerun. Every time , well almost every time, he has come back from rehab or jail we have taken him home again only to go again on the rerun of having him do the same things again - why cant he see that as plain as I do.

 

[mom_in_training]

He is twenty four years old and its time that he do something for himself and stop thinking that its all good to keep imposing opon you and his father. My opinion, He does not see it because he is truly not ready to change. I wonder what he is soooo afraid of and why he keeps wanting to run back to you. Geeze hes 24. He needs to get with it and realize that with effort he can accomplish many things on his own without Mom and Dad holding his hand. Another thought that just might help you keep the peace within yourself is maybe consider not reading the letters anymore. From the sounds of it every letter is pretty much a repeat of his last one with only one goal. (Living with Mom and Dad) with the same old empty promises. So what is the point of reading them anymore? Although heartbreaking, I would not explain anything to him or anybody at all. Simply said you don't want him in your home and thats that. If anything he needs to man up and leave you be. Its like son get your life together and get sober then maybe we'll talk.

 

[mom_in_training]

Another note.... He can accomplish all of this.........

"do drug classes, get GED, go to psychiatrist and get medicine(!), get a job, go to Voc Rehab and do every wonderful thing he can think of"

And then some elsewhere. If he means business then he will figure it out with the support of programs that are available to him so long as he takes advantage of what is offered. I say not at the expense of chewing up Mom and Dad and spitting them out again and in the end leaving you with more wounds while he just walks away as if he did nothing wrong let alone think anything of it. Hmmm Mom and Dad snubbed again.

 

[Andy]

You need to tell the jail that he will no longer be living at your address. He will give that address as his discharge address. Change the locks on your doors. Any mail he is getting at your address you need to send back with "not at this address". You can have the post office flag his mail to return with, "not at this address, no forwarding address."

Inpatient treatment followed by a halfway house may be the best situation for him. He needs to stay away from his "friends", take responsibility for his life, get a job, and grow up.

He needs more than words to prove that he is committed to changing his life. He has taken advantage of your kindness long enough.

 

[DammitJanet]

Stands...I swear they must teach this speech as a class in jails because Cory said those very words verbatim to me...lol.

I did speak to his lawyer twice...at his request...but as she so politely put it, She was willing to listen to me and sympathize with me and if he was her son she would agree with me BUT Cory was her client so she had to advocate for what he wanted and not what either her or I knew was in his best interest. Obviously those things didnt mesh...lol. The second time I talked to her was when the court messed up dates and she got his arrest rescinded but I dont think that was out of line since we were the bail holders. Corys lawyer was a nice enough lady but nothing I could have possibly told her could change her way of defending him though she did take down his mental health history which he neglected to tell her.

Do you know yet what these charges are...Misd or Felonies? Can you pull the dockets up online? I can probably tell you how we found our state and county dockets and maybe you can find yours the same way.

 

[DDD]

Simply sending supportive hugs your way. DDD

 

[BusynMember]

in my opinion forget it. Let him do all those things somewhere else. You've suffered enough. Concentrate on the good things in your life. Don't make it easy for him to keep using drugs. It doesn't sound a if he has any intention of stopping right now. But he knows how to push your mommy buttons. He is 24. Focus on your own life and your other kids. JMO

 

[susiestar]

CHANGE THE LOCKS.

Then go commit to work for a charity in some capacity that takes up much of your free time. You will receive a great sense of accomplishment, you won't have time to fret over difficult child, and you will help someone else.

Keep working with the therapist on your codependency and on detaching.

I was glad to see you posted on Watercooler. Maybe you can post again on your new volunteer work!

 

[PonyGirl]

Stands, I agree with what the rest of us are saying. You don't need to explain anything to anyone. You have already tried to explain this to your son, he won't get it until he is ready.

If this were me, I would write a letter to the judge or the PD to make them aware that he is NOT welcome to live at your home. This letter would be short, simply stating the fact & not going into detail.

I would NOT attend the court hearing.

Stay strong, Standswithcourage!! I know how hard this is for you, how your heart breaks and you want people to understand. Some people just never will. This is no reflection on you as a loving mother, it is simply another story in the sad reality of addiction.

Thinking good and supportive thoughts for you.

Peace

 

[standswithcourage]

How can I write a letter to the Judge if I dont know who it is on that day? I have already written a letter to the PD but now they say his PD has changed! I also notified the prosecutor. I dont want to get him into trouble and they say well if he cant go home then he is going to prison. That always makes no sense to me! It is always the same thing - they get finished with them - with no help mentally and just turn them loose and the first place they go is home - and then here we are again saying you cant come here son - this is not a good place for you until you go through some recovery program - then there is the wait unless they court order him - I know this sounds crazy - but it is probably what is going tohappen - I got down on my knees and cried to God not to let this happen again - I just dont think I can take it -

 

[BusynMember]

He's been given a lot of help, hon. He just won't accept it.
You can't get him into trouble. Only he can do that. You also can't get him OUT of trouble. Again, only he can help himself. There is no way anyone can get him mental health services or rehab unless he is willing to try 100%. It's not like strep throat--you take penecillan and it goes away even if you don't think about it. Mental health/substance abuse health requires extreme determination on the part of the person on the receiving end. It would be so much easier if we could fix these problems too, but we can't...good luck.

 

[goldenguru]

'I don't want to get him into trouble'

Too late - he already did that for himself.

What is your husband saying in all of this??

 

[mom_in_training]

"difficult child - - 24 - ADHD, anxiety/bonded out - left rehab"

Well unfortunately your difficult child did not start off on the right foot and ended up where he is but ummmm he created it by making the wrong choice. I say so long as a person knows right from wrong there is no excuse regardless and they need to take responsibility for their actions that got them there in the first place. Once he does that it will be a lil easier for him to go to the next step that is if he chooses to. If he does not choose that then he is not ready to change.

Regardless of where he is hes there and does in fact have the resources offered up to him. Might not be the exact program that you think might fit his needs but it is a start.
He has to want to take advantage of these resources willingly, Instead he skates around it all with attitude while putting more effort into wiggling his way back into Mom and Dads home. Hmmm Easy escape, Not taking responsibility at all. My opinion, I think its a pretty selfish act to think that its all good to keep throwing himself and his problems back into your lap and think nothing of it. Its like throw the pacifier away already and get off of Mamas lap for god sakes. He is 24. The reality is that if he chooses to accept any help offered up to him he cannot get that from you. You baby him to much and in the end that just enables him. Its harsh but true. Although much different scenario, I knew that I would be a wimp at my difficult children first swimming lesson and probably panic because I am Mom and that is normal but instead I chose to distance myself so I would not baby her when she cried because she was scared. She was in trusted hands that did not baby her in any way and in the end it made her the strong swimmer that she is today.

 

[standswithcourage]

I understand and agree. Pray that I will do the same for him - I am going to be strong.

 

[Ephchap]

Stands,

I really don't know what to say that others haven't. I guess the only other suggestion would be that if he truly needs an address to give them and your husband is insistent about helping, then let husband set up an apartment for 3 months for your difficult child so that he has an address. Tell him this is his last chance apartment and that he needs to find employment so he can start paying his own rent. I don't know how that would work out, but at least he wouldn't be moving into your house.

Sending hugs and strength,
Deb