New diagnosis and I am feeling uncomfortable in my home

[mazdamama]

Have not posted in a bit...half afraid to turn my back on the boys. Daniel, my older 10 yr old now has a new diagnosis to add to the rest Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). At first I thought the therapist was looney tunes but after reading up on it and looking back on Daniel's past...it fits. My son and his late ex-wife were CGs for 3 wks after his birth, then her parents were for 7 wks, then me mainly, then I had a houseful while remodeling and lots of people here to sit. Then when little David was in the hospital out of the area I was there and there were more sitters. Once I adopted my grandsons and they became my sons it became me as their cg 95-100% of the time. Daniel has gotten to where he will follow me anywhere I go in this house. I have to slam the bathroom door to keep him away. If I lay on my bed to watch tv he is heading in there to join me. With it being summer and worse...my car has been broken down for two wks now....I can't seem to get away for some ME time.
Okay...I have explained the birds and bees to him, we have gone through books and talked about how sex is something for adults that love each other and is very special. So why the heck is this child calling me "babe" "honey" and acting inappropiately towards me?? I am sure that he is curious about sex and am willing to answer questions for him but his acting out is bothering me.
I have discussed this with the therapist and he is concerned also. See...With David being a big brother idolizer most of the time I am worried that Daniel will try something with David. Actually he told me he kissed David on the lips. I told him that this was not something that brothers did and told David that if Daniel asks him about private parts or to do something with private parts to scream for me. So I try to watch them ALL the time.
Residential care is still being discussed at this point. I am so pulled about this but know that it may be the best thing for all of us. I did finally get my point across about having Daniel Baker Acted again (Marchment Act in some places). The place he would have to go, well I raised holy heck with them last time he was there because they used Daniel's private medications for other patients. I filed a complaint with the adminsitration and heads rolled there like bowling balls. Since our surname is uncommon I am sure that he would be remembered and told therapist of my concern of retaliation against him. Therp said that I am to contact him if a severe problem arises and he will have him put in residential immediately rather then him go back there.
At this point waiting for school to start and praying that some of these behaviors I am putting up with both the boys these past few weeks is due to boredom and cabin fever.

 

[TeDo]

I really feel for you and for him. It must be so difficult. I would follow the therapists advice. He sounds like one of the "good" ones and is looking out for you and Daniel. I hope you at least get some "me time" after they are asleep even if it is only a soak in a bubble bath before YOU crash. {{{{(((HUGS)))}}}} to all of you.

 

[BusynMember]

I'm not surprised he has Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), however it is hard and unpredictable to live with. Personally, I'd keep the Asperger's brother away from him or always keep them in your sight if they are together. With Aspergers (my son is on the autism spectrum) these are very innocent kids who are challenged at sticking up for themselves. Kissing his brother on the lips is not normal in any way at his age nor is calling you "babe." It's kind of creepy.

Do you live alone? Looks like it. If you were related to me and told me this story, I would urge you to find residential treatment of any kind for Daniel. You deserve to feel safe and have "me" time, and he deserves to get 24/7 care (hopefully help too). His brother deserves to be left alone so he can thrive.

JMO and big huggggz to you for your big heart. I am your age. I do not think I could do it again if the children were difficult. I feel that our time of life is our very best time...the time when we get to cash in for all those years of taking care of others. I do not feel it is the time to be frightened or crowded.

Take care and keep us posted.

 

[TerryJ2]

I would keep them apart and keep an eye on them all the time.
In regard to residential care, I'm not sure which one you're talking about?
Won't it make the Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) child worse?
Many hugs.

 

[Liahona]

Hi, I don't know much about Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) but I can tell you what we've done to keep everyone safe here. We've had an alarm on difficult child 1's door so he can't wander at night. We have a rule that he can't get out of his room in the morning until an adult comes for him. There have been times difficult child 1 has had to be a shadow (in my sight at all times), times he has to be in the same room, times I really need a break and send him to his room, times I'm in the next room but can hear everything going on, times he is in the basement and all the other kids are upstairs, times he is free to wander the house but all the other kids have to stay in the same room with me. I thought we were at a point where I didn't have to supervise as much (I thought the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) had helped enough) but I was wrong and we are back at extreme supervision levels now. The one time difficult child 1 sexually targeted me a consequence was set up that difficult child 1 couldn't be with me and had to be husband's shadow. He didn't ever repeat it again. Is there anyone that could do that for you? Male neighbor or friend or respite place. Here we have a place called Vantage point where its not an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or phos but its a place parents (or police) can take unmanigable kids for a few hours. Its not a punishment place but it does send a strong message of 'you need to act acceptably at home.'

We also do side hugs. I ruffle hair, give hi fives and thumbs up. Tickleing is not allowed. We have physical affection with strict boundaries.

Did this sexual interest start suddenly? Was he abused or is this part of his diagnosis? Do you think its because you explained birds and bees and he just doesn't have the same social boundaries everyone else has? Maybe he is thinking that sex is for adults that love each other and he isn't seperating himself from the adults?

Good luck I hope school starting brings you some relief.

 

[BusynMember]

Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) can be dangerous to other kids in the house. Our adopted eleven year old who sexually abused my younger two kids (and not one time...TWO YEARS) and killed our dogs and probably perped in the neighborhood too was Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). They can be very charming and manipulative so that you let down your guard and trust them and they will even hug you and say "I love you" if they want to get something (like money), but treatment can be long, expensive and often unsuccessful. You can't just go to a regular therapist or give the child medications. Once a child decides he will love or trust nobody but himself, you can't love his hurt away either because that scares him and often he acts out even more.

For the safety of the rest of the family (and any pets...you never know...these kids are sneaky), they usually end up out of the home. Our child was removed for his sexual abuse that we didn't even know about because he was so charming to us and so terrifying to the youngest two (he repeatedly held a knife to them and said he'd kill us all if they told us anything). I am not suggesting that this child is doing things like that ...yet....or that he ever will get that dangerous. I am not even saying he should live out of the home. It kind of depends on how much he can be watched and whether or not attachment therapy is affordable (it is very controversial anyway...and quite extreme).

I just know that I would not live with a Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) child again if I had others in the house. Another example: My friend took in a foster child with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). He burned their house down. They literally had to move to a hotel while the house was being rebuilt. Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is close to the adult anti-social personality disorder in it's symptoms. Right after the kid burned the house down, he asked if he could go get McDonalds. He had no remorse,

This grandmother should not be condemned if she chooses Residential Treatment Center (RTC). The other child has Asperger's and deserves a chance to reach his potential and at 58 you're not always quite in the mindset of taking on a difficult child who is only going to grow bigger.

I have no advice here. This was just an explanation of how Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) can be and why many people with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) kids choose Residential Treatment Center (RTC). Have a nice day

 

[mazdamama]

Thanks for all the input. Daniel is going through puberty...ugh...and does think he is a little adult. When he calls me babe or honey I tell him...call me Mom...I am not your babe or honey. He is always asking if I love him and when he does something to aggravate me he says "you hate me don't you?". Guess my mantra of "I love you but sometimes hate the things you do" is getting to him because now he answers that question himself. He does feel bad about things he does and will bawl like a baby when he knows he has gone too far begging me to forgive him.
As for David....I think I have gotten through to him not to allow Daniel to do anything that is inappropiate and to tell me what I do not see. The Children's Advocacy Center has been doing staffings on both the boys and I am going to ask the prevention specialist to talk to both the boys (he has said he would in the past) about proper behaviors. Just have to get my wheels running. We have no bus or taxi service here and although the CAC is only 2 miles it is too far to walk in this heat.
The residential care....I have mixed feelings about. It would be easy to put him there but the Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) feelings he is having would increase and we are a closeknit family of three. Therapist also said that sometimes in those places sexual abuse can occur with the other kids. Damned if you do and damned if you don't. The psychiatric program he is in would pay for 30 days and then his ins would pay for 30 days...but this could be hospitalization also.
I love this little guy and hurt for him. Bio mom tried to drown him and abused him in other ways, my son, bio dad gives out mixed messages...one being that his 3 1/2 yr old daughter means more to him then the boys ever did. I could not imagine being born to people that basically thought more of themselves then me.

 

[DDD]

Just want to send caring hugs your way. I have no experience in this area but hope you listen closely to those who do. Nobody anticipates the complexities you are facing and find expert help is really a must. Having parented as Aspie I totally agree that there is such a huge amount of vulnerabiity and sadly a great need to protect. Our Aspie understood many things intellectually but just could not recognize when he was being manipulated due to the need for acceptance. Good luck. DDD