New Drama On Homeless Daughter

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by jodiehooks, Jul 25, 2016.

  1. Weary Mother

    Weary Mother WEARY MOTHER

    Well, so the other shoe has dropped. My daughter is still working, however the woman who was kind enough at the time to give her a couch to sleep on has said she must leave by 8/1, only a few days from now. Her vehicle needs repair or she could sleep in it, but as it is she has no transportation and walked 5 miles yesterday after work, to get back to the couch, only to find that she must leave this coming Monday. In trying to be compassionate, I assess that she needs to keep her job. And get her vehicle running. I called a pastor in the area who as very nice and told me that the job she has (grocery store) is a good job and she can probably make a long time thing of it as they are good to work for. So, after calling a mechanic that he referred me to (the town has 15K people only, no shelters, no hud apartments), it appears that in order to get into an apartment (waiting lists) she may need a co signer due to her bad credit report (utility bills, medical bills etc). There is actually an efficiency apartment open that is in her price range, waiting to see if she can be accepted. I have cried and felt such anxiety and panic over the weekend. Had she not lived it up over the years, spent every dime she got on good times and ran around chasing mr. goodbar, she would not be in this spot. And these problems are not things that you can throw money at (unless you have a truckload of it) and make go away. Please keep me in mind here and shout out any help any of you may have. She is an hour outside of St. Louis in a rural area that help is not available (not even a salvation army).
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    She is old enough to be responsible for her own lodging. If you cosign, expect to pay. Her past behavior predicts the future. Shes not a young kid, figuring things out. She is what she is. Irresponsible. Hope im wrong.

    It is not up to you to keep her job for her. Why is she being thrown out of the kind womans house? She must have done something.

    My son lives outside of St. Louis. There may not be shelters in her town, but there is help nearby. She doesnt need convenience. She can take public transportation.

    I hope you arent paying for the mechanic. She probably will never pay you back. How old does she (and you) have to get before she finally has to stand on her own teo feet? What will she do when you are gone?

    Heres hoping you can stand strong. Good luck.
    Last edited: Jul 25, 2016
  3. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    Try contacting Catholic Charities. You do not need to be a Catholic, or even a Christian to get help from them., You do however, have to be Catholic to volunteer for them, though anyone can donate goods or money.

    Whatever you do, do NOT co-sign for her!

    Yes, in this day and age, they not only do credit checks as part of the rental process, but many landlords, especially at apartment complexes, also do full, including criminal, background checks.

    I rented the apartment i am in a year ago. It was my first time renting an apartment in the States in 30 years.

    I was shocked at what a process it was, especially when the property manager called back to inquire about a several year's gap in my history in the 80s.

    During that period of time my husband was stationed in Germany. I worked for a German IT contractor who supplied IT services to the US Army. You'd think there'd be some record of that, but no.

    Its an example of how closely they check nowadays.

    She also has to accept the fact that she may have to move to get access to services. For example, I have to use County mental health services for my MH care. Very few psychiatrists take my gov't ins and Medicare. Nearly all are private, and i cannot afford their fees. Milwaukee Cty so far, has good county services and had openings.

    I haven't had to go with HUD, thankfully. I think waiting lists for Section 8 are the norm these days, though.
  4. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree

    Jodiehooks- I know you are weary with worry and wondering how much should you help daughter. It sounds like it would be a good job if she can keep it. YOU did the right thing by calling the Pastor.

    Help with what you are comfortable doing- knowing that you will not get any money back in order to get her on her feet. WE all have helped our adult children in some shape, matter or form. Sometimes, it has bit us big time, other times, it was the help at the right time of their lives when they were willing to make positive changes in their life.

    You know your daughter best and know her past. ARE you comfortable helping her with the car, apartment, one or the other or both? If you are and are financially able, then do so. Just know that you can't expect to be repaid, unless, if you cosign, you make her sign a promissary note, legally. I have helped son over the years, sometimes to my and his detriment. I learned after many mistakes, to set boundarries for helping. He is finally landed in a good place after many years of chaos and homelessness and couch surfing in some bad places. He is now not homeless and has a Pastor for a landlord and a mentor.

    I am not sure if you have helped her in the past only to have been burned before- only you know. But if you feel she is ready on a right path, truly, and needs one time help and you are comfortable helping her get there, then do so. If not, that is ok too.
  5. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree

    Not every town has public transportation. The town husband and I lived in for many years had no cabs and no public transportation and had one small church. No shelters, no section 8. Many us here have helped for years on end in attempt to get our adult children on their feet. We are all on the same journey here, some further along then others. It may take many mistakes on our part, before we learn when we say no more help. But we have ALL been there at some point in time.
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    While we have all been there, she us in her 40s and Mom can't be young anymore either.

    Some times one has to move to get help. The St. Louis are has plenty of help. I am against helping kids of a certain age or else they will be helpless when we are gone. Giving a hand up to a 21 year old is possibly helpful. Except for our own guilt, as the mom of a troubled 38 year old, I think it is different to co sugn and pay bills for somebody in this age bracket. By then it is no longer a hand up. It becomes a way of life for both and often financially hurts the parent who is retired.

    Of course some parents live with, support and put up with dysfunctional middle age adult children to their dying day. I try to speak from my heart. I think there comes a time when we need to have sane golden years and let middle age children figure it out or not.

    We all give our best advice. None is perfect. A 43 year old is not a young adult failing to launch. It is an adult who expects others to support him or her forever.

    To me they are two different types of adult children. Many launch late. But some never launch. Are we as parents responsible forever?

    I strongly believe that we need to let our adult child 30 and up find their own services, even of its inconvenient and they have to move, request financial help or rent a room in someone's house. I feel it is harmful for them and for us to keep caring for an adult child who is already 40 something and refuses to do things right.

    I do totally believe that everyone here should take what they like and leave the rest. I can not say what I don't believe. If this woman is disabled..file for Disability. Other services go with that.

    This is all just my opinion. I do think age matters. If the original poster disagrees with me, she can just disregard my post...
    Last edited: Jul 25, 2016
  7. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree

    I realize she is 40ish- but I was going by her other post where her daughter texted here this:

    she says:
    "I am really liking life at the moment. Feeling Better, working, no drama. Figuring things out. I want you to know I appreciate everything you have done and I am very sorry that I was so into my own mess that I have disrespected you. I love you Mom"

    It sounds to me like she is definitely trying to change her life, made apologies, but circumstances find her without transportation and a home, again. I would hate to see her make this progress and then just give up. Now if she hadn't tried to change and it was wash, rinse, and repeat, then yes, no help.

    Yes, Jodie shouldn't have to be worrying about her middle aged daughter her age. My son is 36 and finally seems to have found his peace in life and thus giving me mine. It's tough to know when to help and when to just simply stop no matter what happens. I still help son with simple stuff, hygiene products, send him a gift card so he can buy things he needs as he just doesn't get enough for everything rent, food, clothes, etc. I do this because he is doing well and not living like he was...
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  8. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    I agree with the others, JH. I would be very hesitant to step in. If you do, as the others point out, don't plan on getting the money back.

    Still, you want her to not lose what could be a good job, a new start. was only 5 days ago that she texted you to tell you she was getting it together and apologized for causing you so much trouble. What changed in 5 days? I too wonder why she has to get out of her place so quickly.

    Maybe I am misreading your post, but it sounds like YOU are the one calling the pastor, calling the mechanic, checking out housing options? If that is the case, you are right back in the middle of it again whether you help or not. If you help, you are also right back in the middle again. I understand the desire to help her, though. I surely do. But I sure wouldn't work harder than her at it.
    Last edited: Jul 25, 2016
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    iron Butterfly, talk is cheap.

    if she wants to really change in my opinion she can do it without her mothers help and money and prove it. Finding her own solutions shows progress, not a letter or text. Especially when someone her age has been dependent all her life. I'm cynical too.

    I dont remember your sons situation.
    Jmo about 40 something daughter. They dont fo well in my opinion getting rewards for saying pretty things or doing stuff all adults do...again jmo.
  10. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree

    Well talk is cheap runs both ways, for parents and adult children. Some parents talk their adult children to death.
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I think actions speak louder than words.

    For everyone. It's one thing for anyone to say "I've changed!" and another thing to actually do it. If somebody has problematic behavior with a lot of lies and bad choices, I'd rather see them turn it around than hear about doing it. The older they are, the harder it is going to be to change...and also the less likely. Dependence on parents, crime, neverending childhood becomes a lifestyle, if we allow it.

    As for over talking to our adult kids, I speak for nobody else but my motto is "less is more." I feel over talking is unhelpful. However no matter how much you talk to an adult child, you aren't taking his money, asking for him to cosign an apartment or loan, insisting he is a terrible person if he won't let you move into his place for free etc.

    I think they are not on a par, although I am the first mom to keep my words short. My mom was very verbally abusive and quite a nag. I never want to be her.
    Last edited: Jul 25, 2016
  12. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    IB. When you talk about me behind my back, I get sad. (Joke.)
    Jodie. It looks like there is a split decision in the posters.

    I want to add one other option: when you rent a room to share on craigslist from another party (who either had the lease or owns the place), they do not necessarily run a credit check. You can look on for the town in question, or larger place near it. Even tiny places are on craigslist.

    Or, if you want to help her with the apartment, can you negotiate a shorter lease with the management, say for a period of time you can afford, in case you lose all the money. Because that possibility must be faced, that if you co-sign you will be on the hook for it all. Can you afford it?

    Cedar, another member here, says: We have to be able to look at ourselves in the mirror. For each of us, where that cut off is, is different, in terms of our expectations of ourselves. And it is easy for all of us to be very, very tough in our counsel to others, while we slip and slide all over the place with our own kids.

    I give your daughter credit. A lot of it, for the steps she is taking. Is there not a motel she can get by the week? Many, many people do this. I did, maybe 5 years back, for work. (It was a brothel--let me make it clear. I did not work at the brothel. It was just the closest motel to where a certain prison was.) It would be a lot cheaper for you to pay her rent for the first 2 weeks until her paycheck arrives than paying for a year of rent, if she skips--or decides she wants to use her money for something other than rent. Which could happen. Only you will know what to do.
  13. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree

  14. Weary Mother

    Weary Mother WEARY MOTHER

    Hello Everyone, today I feel better and stronger and am re reading all your posts. I am reminded again how strong the bond of love is and how difficult it can be to detach, with love. My daughters van is fixed and waiting to be picked up, so she now has a decent job even tho the pay is low, and an apartment and a running vehicle. I do have compassion for her being in a city with no known support system, no friends and no furniture. I do know that this is not the end of the world and she will survive it and as someone said in a post, they are able to find options when they have to, so I am banking on the fact that she may do better then I think. When the most recent crisis occurred that caused her to be actually on the streets, it was due to a blowup between her and her 27 year old daughter. They have had a terrible co dependent relationship for years and it was coming I could see it. Both of them have issues and just kept feeding off of each other, neither able to be mature and handle matters in a good way and neither seeking out help. As a result of this recent blowup, my daughter has lost contact with her grandchildren which has devastated her and is part of her anxiety and depression among other reasons. I feel badly that my entire family has come to this and hope that things get better. I agree with somewhereoutthere who posted "if she wants to really change in my opinion she can do it without her mothers help and money and prove it. Finding her own solutions shows progress, not a letter or text. Especially when someone her age has been dependent all her life. I'm cynical too." But I panic when I see things get worse and personally and for personal reasons, have problems of my own just cutting off all help. My reasons are and I know I have to work on this, but my father died in the streets of Phoenix, and had family who could have helped him. My oldest son died in a truck accident at age 25. I have a deadly fear of losing another child in such a terrible way or cutting off all communication because I can't bear the pain again. But I do know this is my issue to work on, the fear I feel is not totally reasonable, and detaching is not certain to end up with the death of a loved one. (my 2nd child a son is in jail to be sentenced tomorrow on a 2nd drug offense). So keep on posting, I am reading and trying to get through all this pain.

    Read more:
  15. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    JH, you "sound" better, much more at peace.

    How awful for you, to lose your father and your son. I am so sorry, JH.

    I tend to be cynical too, and as Copa said it is very easy to say what others ought to do, then turn around and not do it ourselves. I think we would all agree that all we can do is what we are comfortable with, and all we have control over is ourselves.

    I am so very glad you are feeling better today, JH. Now that your daughter has her basic needs taken care of, I hope she is able to settle in and make this a wonderful new beginning for herself.
  16. Weary Mother

    Weary Mother WEARY MOTHER

    albatross, thank you for your encouragement. I do feel ok about helping fix the beaten up old van she has, and hope it holds up long enough to get her to a better place in her life. There are days when I am able to do better than others. But the days when I panic and fall apart are when it seems that all is hopeless and my tolerance is just too low to manage to be assertive and certain of how to proceed. I really do not know how it must feel to have a child that functions well and is normal, what ever normal is. I wonder at times how I would feel if I could go visit a son or daughter in their home (instead of jail or a cemetery or homeless shelter), have dinner with them, possibly have them over for dinner and visit on the patio. To me that exists only in the movies. About me: I am 66, divorced and in a long term relationship that is stable but we both live separately for now and have been for over 8 years. I am partially retired, not my choice but due to a company sale after several years of serving as Corporate Credit Manager for the North American Branch of a German owned company that is a manufacturer. I enjoyed my job and was not ready to not work. And I believe that my age has prevented me from getting full time good job offers. So I work part time managing a small office. And I could be ok with that but then my children are draining me emotionally and in every other way. I am not without means, but paying for all the emergencies can be draining. I am still ok on the fixing of the van, but no more. I am expecting her to seek out her own help because she is in a good spot to do so and if she does not, and she remains stubborn about getting outside help, like therapy or support from a church or group or possibly make some friends to just talk to or have coffee, then I won't feel like I want to jump in. She really does need to do more than work and occupy space. It will take work and being determined to do what it takes not only to exist but be strong, well and able.
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  17. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Hi, Jodiehooks

    We were in this position. Our daughter was in her late thirties. It was an awful time, but we came through it, and she is doing well, today. At the bottom of my posts is a link that helped me learn how to talk to my adult kids. The link gave me words to use, and concepts ~ ways to think about what was happening to my family and our children.

    I know how terribly hard this is Jodiehooks. I am very sorry this is happening.