New forum?

[InsaneCdn]

Audio doesn't work well for me (ears), but I looked up the lyrics and... yes. Exactly. And how often do we hear that? Move on. You'll be OK. From people who have no idea.

 

[Copabanana]

People will tell us what they do and do not like and add more. Then RB can decide. I have no more ideas. I just keep listening to Gaga over and over again.

COPA

 

[Nancy]

Nancy... our kids - the kind we are trying to discuss in a new forum - aren't even adequately covered by the word "disabilities". Not all of the issues are disabling - but definitely majorly increase complexities, based on multiple challenges.

Substance abuse is straight forward as a label (not as something to deal with). Anyone out there looking for help for a drug- or alcohol-addicted kid is going to search for that.

We - this little group of far-edge outliers - are trying to find a way to define ourselves so that others find us. I sure wouldn't have been looking under "mental illness". Developmental, maybe - we suspected that much.

Then I must have misunderstood because that was the name suggested from the beginning.

 

[InsaneCdn]

In the beginning: This is from the post that started this thread:

Just wondering if there is any support for, or if anyone else might be interested in, a forum for kids with mental health and developmental challenges?

Don't feel bad though. 95% or more people out there in the world in general see most of the challenges as "disabilities" when many of them are more a matter of "differently abled". It's a battle I fight in the trenches on a daily basis. So, please don't feel personally attacked.

I was a little narrow in the original definition. Realized as we were discussing this that there are more reasons for exceptionally complex kids, including head trauma, neglect or abuse at a young age, in-utero drug exposure... All of which affect how we are "wired".

 

[Copabanana]

including head trauma, neglect or abuse at a young age, in-utero drug exposure

And traumatic experience, too, is thought now to affect brain structure of children and possibly older people as well.

COPA

 

[Copabanana]

As this conversation evolves I am interested in how each of us sees it. Do we belong where others feel we fit, or where we feel accepted, belonging, and included? Who do we define as "like us" and as "accepting us as we are"? What is it that makes us, here, right now, feel different? Is this in the main subjective or is it real? I mean, if we were willing and able to see ourselves more as part of the larger group of parents, would we be in the main suppressing our needs in order to feel we belong, or would we become stronger?

I do not know. I think that may be the vantage point from which Nancy is viewing this. Like those circumscribed identity groups whereby people began to define themselves, in the late 90's, which came to enter to the political arena and still is. The more we become fragmented, the less we feel connected to the whole. Until it is only us.

I am wondering how it feels to be our children. I know for my own son this is an existential battle.

I know that it is central in our relationship, his with me and with M and with us together. When I said to him, "you have changed in these four years since you left home" he answered: "No I haven't. It is just that then you put up with it *meaning the behaviors that I now find so hard to tolerate. You tolerated it. Now you don't."

This negotiation seems to be a fundamentally important one for many of us who struggle to feel we really belong anywhere. Or feel that the cost of belonging is such that it is not really belonging at all.

COPA

 

[InsaneCdn]

I mean, if we were willing and able to see ourselves more as part of the larger group of parents, would we be in the main suppressing our needs in order to feel we belong, or would we become stronger?

Personal experience is that in general, it means suppressing our needs in order to feel we belong - and if we have to do that, do we really belong?
Interesting existential question.

I am wondering how it feels to be our children. I know for my own son this is an existential battle

Another excellent question. It's hard enough to fathom being parents in our shoes. How much harder must it be for our sons and daughters? If they don't even "belong" with us, do they belong anywhere? How do they find where they belong?

This negotiation seems to be a fundamentally important one for many of us who struggle to feel we really belong anywhere. Or feel that the cost of belonging is such that it is not really belonging at all.

The cost of belonging. I suppose there is always a cost. I just don't really see that cost in most people, who seem to simply "belong". Maybe they don't see it either, and yet it can still be there. A hidden cost.
I know that for my son, generally, the cost of belonging is far higher than any benefits that he can see and feel and measure. Which isn't totally a bad thing if you don't care whether you belong or not. But if you really want to belong, and can't afford the "cost" of belonging... then what?

 

[Copabanana]

But if you really want to belong, and can't afford the "cost" of belonging... then what?

We pay either way. This is actually painful for me to even think about, Insane.

COPA

 

[Copabanana]

The cost of belonging. I suppose there is always a cost. I just don't really see that cost in most people

Think about it. Maybe they (we) paid the price long ago in either suppressing completely parts of themselves or identifying with some designated thing. I know I aspired to belong and did whatever I could to be what I thought was wanted.

Until I realized I was so different, I belonged really nowhere. Which I guess after all a choice.

My son seems to be unable to, unwilling to, belong anywhere. He says: I am better than drug addicts and not as good as everybody else.

I say: why rank and categorize people. But we do.

COPA

 

[InsaneCdn]

He says: I am better than drug addicts and not as good as everybody else.

Part truths. My son wrestles with that thinking too.
Yes, you are better than the drug addicts.
Yes, maybe you are not as good as some people.
But as soon as you get to the word "everybody"... you're on the wrong track.

Because you cannot possibly know "everybody". So how do you compare? You can't. It's a statement of assumption. You assume everybody is better than you. And they are NOT. There will be some who are better, some who are worse. And every single one makes choices that take them higher or lower.

I don't belong in the group of parents at school. They are on a totally different track, and we have nothing in common, not even our kids.

I do belong to a small group of parents on this board. We are all on a different track. It really helped me to find out that I truly was not the ONLY one.

What can your son find to do with his life that in some way gives back? What can he accomplish that makes HIM feel like he is contributing?

 

[Copabanana]

What can your son find to do with his life that in some way gives back? What can he accomplish that makes HIM feel like he is contributing?

That is what I ask him. He keeps making excuses (his major one his self-consciousness about balding.)

When I offered to let him live in a house I own, he wanted 3 of his indigent friends to move in, too. I said, if you want to help them, do so by your own efforts. His instinct is to give. He is at heart a good person, a decent one, without malice. He takes responsibility for over-stepping to a point.

I wish I could look at the glass half full. I really think the key here is FOO. I cannot but feel I failed, because I am built that way. I could so easily see that I succeeded, we both did.

My son said the other day, I know why you get so mad, so frustrated. Because you can't stand to see me keep suffering.

I repeated this to M, who responded: I told him that. It is heartening that my son accepted this and took it in.

Thank you Insane. It really, really helps.

COPA

 

[Feeling Sad]

I think that the title should be short and sweet...parenting teens and adult children with developmental and mental health issues.

My thread has a lot of views. I think that is because there is a need to read how others parents have addressed mental illnesses in their children. Yes, most illnesses are not discrete, and embody a group of diagnoses or are on a spectrum.

If I try to find out more information on line about addressing my ill son, I am at times bought back to my own thread. It could be vocabulary or rhetoric that was used on a particular post.

It fact, that is how I found the site. I typed in 'my adult son is homeless' and I came upon a thread on CD. If I type in 'I had to file restraining order against schizophrenic son' my thread shows up on the possible sites online. It has appeared several times, no matter what I type in...'my son had command hallucinations' or just 'schizophrenic homeless son'. It is brought up by words in the post that fits...rather than a title or forum.

Yes, some people shop for sites. But, I think that more Google a phrase or question to be answered.

I feel that it needs to have a very straight-forward name, as opposed to, a 'catchy' cute name. Parents need to be able to find and identify it easily.

This is just my opinion. Yes, I write IEP's. I have to be extremely specific.

There is a great need for a forum that addresses developmental and mental health issues in our adult children. Yes, we often need to approach these children differently.

 

[AppleCori]

I think the new forum is a great idea!

I like what Feeling Sad has written. We want to open this up to new people as well as regulars, so keeping the title short and to the point will help people to find us.

Maybe add something about 'failure to thrive'? Just a thought.

 

[InsaneCdn]

We need a forum title and a forum description.

Description is easier.

I think that the title should be short and sweet...parenting teens and adult children with developmental and mental health issues.

I still like the word "complex". If the parent is dealing with is, say, a kid with "only" anxiety, they may not fit here. Anxiety plus serious behavior issues means there may only be one diagnosis but there must be something else going on - it becomes complex. So...

Description: Parenting teen and adult children with complex developmental and mental health issues.

Some people like autisics, fetal alcohol and brain trauma can do some things well but have trouble reasoning and making life choices.

Title seems to be harder. The description is already short and accurate, how to come up with 2-4 words as a title?
I was reading back through the thread again. And saw SWOT's comment. Maybe that is more accurate than some we have "tried on"?

Title: Trouble with Reasoning

This is, of course, just my latest ramblings. What do the rest of you think?

 

[New Leaf]

so keeping the title short and to the point will help people to find us.

I think the same.
Perhaps a more detailed description/explanation could be added on a thread along with guidelines for interacting and responding much like the PE forum has. The explanation could include more information, as well as the process parents contributed to in creating the new forum.
I am excited for you guys and the new members to come, who will be looking for something that suits their specific needs.
leafy

 

[BusynMember]

I love trouble with reasoning.

 

[BusynMember]

Just wondering if there is any support for, or if anyone else might be interested in, a forum for kids with mental health and developmental challenges?

In theory I could use General and/or PE, but... we're not dealing with ANY shade of substance abuse, and that seems to be the major themes.

I've looked at other mental-health-oriented forums out there, and they are extremely specific - for example, might discuss bi-polar, or autism spectrum, but not any overlap with co-morbid conditions. Nowhere out there to discuss complex kids.

Insane, e en ieps arent always that great. First of all, if your kiddo is marginal, then you better hsve a strong personality, an advocTe (and nobody tells you that they even exist) and the ability to fight, fight, fight. It is exhausting. Then you have to make the time to monitor the school to make sure they are actually doing the supports to your kid. I was always at school so they.behaved regarding my iwn kiddo. He got great help. Not all kids do.
Insane, good point that no solutions that are good are cheap. I personally believe the government should eat some of the cost to give our vulnerable people a :/ good, safe life and chances. Sadly, at least in our country, most people dont want to pay extra taxes for our vulnerable. Even more sadly this even applies to many who are touched by loved ones with challenges, but have enough money to pay for their loved ones care in good expensive places. There is little caring about the less financially advantaged. The babyboomers failed...I do remember when we did care. But that was then.

 

[in a daze]

'failure to thrive

I kind of like this title, because I think this is what many of us are dealing with....our adult children not living up to their potential because of mental health issues or pervasive brain disorders. We presume they are currently sober or do not abuse substances.

 

[Copabanana]

'failure to thrive'

I love this.

I still like the word "complex"

Me too.

Description: Parenting teen and adult children with complex developmental and mental health issues.

Yes.

Failure to thrive: Parenting teen and adult children with complex developmental and mental health issues.

I like it because failure to thrive is a known concept and phrase in its own right. While usually applied to babies, what makes our plight so difficult is the very time our children become adults, they cannot/will not leave the nest and successfully master what they need to, to achieve adulthood.

Failure to thrive conveys a complex and extremely concerning condition whereby the very life of the child is in question. It summons up the urgency and panic which we feel, those of us in these situations which have brought us here. The phrase conveys the global aspect, and not one specific illness, disability. I like this a lot.

I will look at the precise definition online.

COPA

PS My son has superior reasoning skills, it is judgement and application he lacks.

 

[Copabanana]

I want to convey adequately how much I love
Failure To Thrive. I think it is perfect.

COPA