I am so glad that I found this board!
The last few years have been very difficult. difficult child has been home from Residential Treatment Center (RTC) since Sept (was away for 18 mos). He was placed by family court after things got out of hand. He seems to have come to terms with his disruptive/abusive behavior and anger issues. When he first came home, we were all tentative. The stress level in the house is no where near where it used to be. difficult child is not as argumentative or confrontational. But as time has gone on, he has began to slip back to some old behaviors (along the lines of non-compliance). difficult child is like a ghost in the house- he lives in the house, but not 'with' us. He is not social with family, but is either out with friends or stays in his room all the time (door closed of course). He does not converse with us and does not seem interested in any interaction unless it involves food or he needs something (money, a ride, permission to do something) If we try to speak to him, often he is moving away and always seems to be on his way to doing something that is more important/interesting that speaking to us. He actually will leave the room/house when we come home. I recognize this as a coping skill. If he is quiet and doesn't make waves, we will not confront him about things or interact with him.
My concern is that difficult child lacks motivation to do… anything. He is making no effort is school; often cutting classes, not doing assignments etc. Ironically, he has passed his RCT exams (in lieu of state regents) and will be eligible to graduate when he gets the required class credits. While I realize he has limitations and challenges because of the ADD- but he won't even make the effort. The school just filed a PINS application (person in need of supervision) because of his excessive absences. The school district is ready to hand him over to the court system just so they don't have to deal with him. (Not they have not really tried to help him beyond standard additional services at the public school) (Prior to Residential Treatment Center (RTC), he has had behavioral, discipline & truancy issues at the school) The PINS rep is working on formalizing the complaint so we will end up at Family Court to hash this out. The rep seems to feel that the courts will place him somewhere, perhaps a residential facility since he had done well at one before.
difficult child has no interests or hobbies. The only things he does is sleep, eat, watch TV, socialize with friends (preferably when we are not around). He is not productive and just simply exists. When asked about his interests- he has a canned answer just so that you will leave him alone, but he has never really pursued these supposed interests. He was presented an opportunity to work in an auto body shop, but it became too far away- boring- they never let him do anything interesting- they don't pay enough. He is just not interested in working or earning money. Don't get me wrong, of course he WANTS money, but not to EARN it. We live close to many opportunities, but he fails to take advantage of them. difficult child does not do chores or help out around the house, unless we ask, then remind, remind, remind him. He shows no initiative, even when things are really obvious -like adding more dirty dishes to a sink that is already full.
There are trust issues in the house. He is manipulative and deceitful. He will steal (money, alcohol, probably cigarettes if we smoked) not only from us, but from his grandparents and lord knows who else. He lacks self control for sure. He lies way too easily. He has a lack of empathy, morals and values, but is more concerned about how to get what he wants/needs NOW. He does not consider the consequences and generally does not seem to care. He is unconcerned about punishment and removal of privileges. (That includes suspension/detention in school) He is very smart and can really apply himself to manipulate a situation, but never towards something constructive. He does not accept responsibility for things/events, yet wants more privileges.
I have tried to speak to him many times about different things, important things. I don't think he listens (absorbs and processes the information) or cares, but is only concerned about getting away from us to go do something more "worthwhile".
I have seen from posts that these characteristics are not uncommon for ADD teens, but is there a point where the light will go 'on' in his head and he will realize that he needs to do things for himself. I understand that his brain is wired differently, but we have concerns about if he will ever become self sufficient. husband is really frustrated with him and is ready to give him the boot come his 18th birthday.
The last few years have been very difficult. difficult child has been home from Residential Treatment Center (RTC) since Sept (was away for 18 mos). He was placed by family court after things got out of hand. He seems to have come to terms with his disruptive/abusive behavior and anger issues. When he first came home, we were all tentative. The stress level in the house is no where near where it used to be. difficult child is not as argumentative or confrontational. But as time has gone on, he has began to slip back to some old behaviors (along the lines of non-compliance). difficult child is like a ghost in the house- he lives in the house, but not 'with' us. He is not social with family, but is either out with friends or stays in his room all the time (door closed of course). He does not converse with us and does not seem interested in any interaction unless it involves food or he needs something (money, a ride, permission to do something) If we try to speak to him, often he is moving away and always seems to be on his way to doing something that is more important/interesting that speaking to us. He actually will leave the room/house when we come home. I recognize this as a coping skill. If he is quiet and doesn't make waves, we will not confront him about things or interact with him.
My concern is that difficult child lacks motivation to do… anything. He is making no effort is school; often cutting classes, not doing assignments etc. Ironically, he has passed his RCT exams (in lieu of state regents) and will be eligible to graduate when he gets the required class credits. While I realize he has limitations and challenges because of the ADD- but he won't even make the effort. The school just filed a PINS application (person in need of supervision) because of his excessive absences. The school district is ready to hand him over to the court system just so they don't have to deal with him. (Not they have not really tried to help him beyond standard additional services at the public school) (Prior to Residential Treatment Center (RTC), he has had behavioral, discipline & truancy issues at the school) The PINS rep is working on formalizing the complaint so we will end up at Family Court to hash this out. The rep seems to feel that the courts will place him somewhere, perhaps a residential facility since he had done well at one before.
difficult child has no interests or hobbies. The only things he does is sleep, eat, watch TV, socialize with friends (preferably when we are not around). He is not productive and just simply exists. When asked about his interests- he has a canned answer just so that you will leave him alone, but he has never really pursued these supposed interests. He was presented an opportunity to work in an auto body shop, but it became too far away- boring- they never let him do anything interesting- they don't pay enough. He is just not interested in working or earning money. Don't get me wrong, of course he WANTS money, but not to EARN it. We live close to many opportunities, but he fails to take advantage of them. difficult child does not do chores or help out around the house, unless we ask, then remind, remind, remind him. He shows no initiative, even when things are really obvious -like adding more dirty dishes to a sink that is already full.
There are trust issues in the house. He is manipulative and deceitful. He will steal (money, alcohol, probably cigarettes if we smoked) not only from us, but from his grandparents and lord knows who else. He lacks self control for sure. He lies way too easily. He has a lack of empathy, morals and values, but is more concerned about how to get what he wants/needs NOW. He does not consider the consequences and generally does not seem to care. He is unconcerned about punishment and removal of privileges. (That includes suspension/detention in school) He is very smart and can really apply himself to manipulate a situation, but never towards something constructive. He does not accept responsibility for things/events, yet wants more privileges.
I have tried to speak to him many times about different things, important things. I don't think he listens (absorbs and processes the information) or cares, but is only concerned about getting away from us to go do something more "worthwhile".
I have seen from posts that these characteristics are not uncommon for ADD teens, but is there a point where the light will go 'on' in his head and he will realize that he needs to do things for himself. I understand that his brain is wired differently, but we have concerns about if he will ever become self sufficient. husband is really frustrated with him and is ready to give him the boot come his 18th birthday.
) but I honestly don't know how we can do anything meaningful to get our almost "adult" boys on a better track.
