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New here. “Loaning” rent and buying food for nearly 19-year old who just squandered $30,000
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 648239" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Yes.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes. Most drug addicts and alcoholics have above-average intelligence. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes. My son told me he had to have a dog one time because "having a dog will make me not be lonely and then I will be okay." I said no. So then he called me a couple of months later and said: "Well, I already have a dog now and so there's nothing I can do so I'm bringing it home." I said No you are not. Back and forth and back and forth, and of course I was a horrible person because I wouldn't let him have this most "perfect dog in the world, the one I've always wanted, blah blah blah...." </p><p></p><p>And once when he was still in junior college he had an accounting exam and instead of doing the work (shock!) he was on craigslist advertising for (get this!) an accountant he could pay $20 to, to take his exam for him.</p><p></p><p>On and on and on. The grandiosity is startling and never-ending with addicts. They and only they can control the world and they spend all of their time trying to do just that. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This is a great sentence. They ARE terrorists, of everybody around them. But it's the disease that is the terrorist, and it resides in the bodies of our adult children. They are completely taken over by the disease and the disease is in charge. </p><p></p><p>Regarding your thoughts about your son's possible diagnosis, I so understand your angst around that as well. I would spend hours and hours and all night long parsing in my own head and with all kinds of professionals: well maybe he has this. Maybe he has that. And THAT'S why he is acting this way.</p><p></p><p>Finally, a mental health professional looked me in the eye and said this: You will not be able to determine what he has or doesn't have as long as he is using drugs. There is no way to tell. Drug addiction/alcoholism is a primary diagnosis. It requires treatment, and until he gets it, there is no way to know what other possible primary diagnosis he has. For many addicts, once they stop using and learn how to live life/change their thinking and behaving (both must happen), voila! There is no other primary diagnosis. It was the addiction all the time, and only that.</p><p></p><p>Your son will do what he is going to do until he hits a rock bottom. Staying out of his way as much as you humanly can and letting him feel the consequences of his own decisions---no matter what---is the best way and the fastest way to allow him to discover his own rock-bottom.</p><p></p><p>It may take years. It has taken years for my son, and today, I am very cautiously optimistic by his behavior for the past six months.</p><p></p><p>I had to completely let go. I had to allow him to be homeless in the dead of winter for months. I had to put slide locks on my doors and face his wrath and pain when he discovered them. I had to allow him to stay in jail multiple times without bailing him out. I had to turn him away from the front door at 3 a.m. when he would get out of jail and walk straight to my house.</p><p></p><p>I had to completely stop and set boundaries like these: do not call me except on Saturday mornings between 10 and 11 a.m. and I will talk to you for 10 minutes at that time. This, after receiving dozens of phone calls in a row and hundreds and hundreds of text messages in a row...complete harassment.</p><p></p><p>See, I had taught him well. I taught him---over the years---that if he just kept on, I would cave in. So he did exactly what I taught him. I have never seen anybody so persistent in my life. </p><p></p><p>Every phone call, every text message, every middle of the night pounding on the door, was like putting a knife inside my body and twisting it, because I didn't respond, finally.</p><p></p><p>I have had to let my son go. I love him very much and today we have a much better relationship. He is 25.5 and he seems to be making progress. Well, he IS making progress. Is the he_l over? I have no idea. I maintain my boundaries with him and I pray without ceasing for him. </p><p></p><p>Warm hugs for you. Hang in there. We are with you. Keep posting.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 648239, member: 17542"] Yes. Yes. Most drug addicts and alcoholics have above-average intelligence. Yes. My son told me he had to have a dog one time because "having a dog will make me not be lonely and then I will be okay." I said no. So then he called me a couple of months later and said: "Well, I already have a dog now and so there's nothing I can do so I'm bringing it home." I said No you are not. Back and forth and back and forth, and of course I was a horrible person because I wouldn't let him have this most "perfect dog in the world, the one I've always wanted, blah blah blah...." And once when he was still in junior college he had an accounting exam and instead of doing the work (shock!) he was on craigslist advertising for (get this!) an accountant he could pay $20 to, to take his exam for him. On and on and on. The grandiosity is startling and never-ending with addicts. They and only they can control the world and they spend all of their time trying to do just that. This is a great sentence. They ARE terrorists, of everybody around them. But it's the disease that is the terrorist, and it resides in the bodies of our adult children. They are completely taken over by the disease and the disease is in charge. Regarding your thoughts about your son's possible diagnosis, I so understand your angst around that as well. I would spend hours and hours and all night long parsing in my own head and with all kinds of professionals: well maybe he has this. Maybe he has that. And THAT'S why he is acting this way. Finally, a mental health professional looked me in the eye and said this: You will not be able to determine what he has or doesn't have as long as he is using drugs. There is no way to tell. Drug addiction/alcoholism is a primary diagnosis. It requires treatment, and until he gets it, there is no way to know what other possible primary diagnosis he has. For many addicts, once they stop using and learn how to live life/change their thinking and behaving (both must happen), voila! There is no other primary diagnosis. It was the addiction all the time, and only that. Your son will do what he is going to do until he hits a rock bottom. Staying out of his way as much as you humanly can and letting him feel the consequences of his own decisions---no matter what---is the best way and the fastest way to allow him to discover his own rock-bottom. It may take years. It has taken years for my son, and today, I am very cautiously optimistic by his behavior for the past six months. I had to completely let go. I had to allow him to be homeless in the dead of winter for months. I had to put slide locks on my doors and face his wrath and pain when he discovered them. I had to allow him to stay in jail multiple times without bailing him out. I had to turn him away from the front door at 3 a.m. when he would get out of jail and walk straight to my house. I had to completely stop and set boundaries like these: do not call me except on Saturday mornings between 10 and 11 a.m. and I will talk to you for 10 minutes at that time. This, after receiving dozens of phone calls in a row and hundreds and hundreds of text messages in a row...complete harassment. See, I had taught him well. I taught him---over the years---that if he just kept on, I would cave in. So he did exactly what I taught him. I have never seen anybody so persistent in my life. Every phone call, every text message, every middle of the night pounding on the door, was like putting a knife inside my body and twisting it, because I didn't respond, finally. I have had to let my son go. I love him very much and today we have a much better relationship. He is 25.5 and he seems to be making progress. Well, he IS making progress. Is the he_l over? I have no idea. I maintain my boundaries with him and I pray without ceasing for him. Warm hugs for you. Hang in there. We are with you. Keep posting. [/QUOTE]
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