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New here. “Loaning” rent and buying food for nearly 19-year old who just squandered $30,000
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 648511" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>You have behaved with strength, a kind and open integrity, and dignity in a very difficult time. We need to hear these good things about ourselves from others because to us, outcomes are not generally the successes we envisioned.</p><p></p><p>You behaved beautifully.</p><p></p><p>Good job!</p><p> </p><p></p><p></p><p>There are two good things happening here. One is your willingness to accept and work with what is. The other is that your son is responding well. </p><p></p><p>It is a hard thing to discipline ourselves to give only what will (potentially) make a difference, but doing so provides us a place to stand.</p><p></p><p>, </p><p></p><p>Thank you, pandora. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This is also true for our son.</p><p></p><p>I don't know how to think about that, don't know how to hold both pieces of that part of our family story together, either.</p><p></p><p>It is what it is.</p><p></p><p>I am learning how to do this, too.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I had just gone through a thing where I could not stop hearing the phrase "Ours is an ugly story." It made me very sad. But as I came through it, I found that I was stronger. I would say not that the stories of our broken families are stupid, but that they are ongoing tragedies. I think it is crucially important that we see ourselves correctly. We are their mothers. (And their fathers. Men see it differently. I know that is not politically correct. But I believe it is very true.)</p><p></p><p>Anyway.</p><p></p><p>It is crucially important that we understand the living horror in what is happening to our families. If we do that, we can see the truth about ourselves in a correct way. We can see and accept and admire our strength and our courage in the face of almost insurmountable (and stupid) loss. </p><p></p><p>That is what is stupid about our stories. </p><p></p><p>There is an element of choice here, for our children. </p><p></p><p>For a time, there is an element of choice.</p><p></p><p>Soon enough, even that is taken from them.</p><p></p><p>We can draw strength from recognizing and acknowledging and celebrating what turns out to be a kind of towering, unchangeable, unflagable love for ourselves and our children and our families. </p><p></p><p>We can take courage there. If only we can learn to see it.</p><p></p><p>We are surviving, loving and living and trying to hold our families, and our family identities, together in the face of something overwhelmingly destructive.</p><p>Our stories are not stupid, but outrageously courageous. We are learning to respond correctly. We are understanding and accepting that we may have to put our children at risk to do it.</p><p></p><p><em>And we are doing what needs to be done.</em></p><p></p><p>We may not win. Still, we are brave. We are no longer arrogant, but we are not frozen in place, either.</p><p></p><p>We are doing something impossible and we are doing it well.</p><p></p><p>It is crucially important to understand these things about ourselves and our stories and our children. </p><p></p><p>Though I believed myself fraudulent or cowardly or somehow lacking, the truth turned out to be that I have (as we all have, here on the site) stood right up again and again against impossible odds.</p><p></p><p>I stood right there, all by myself. And I protected my children and I didn't know what to do, but I did the best I knew to do.</p><p></p><p>I lost, anyway.</p><p></p><p>But that does not change the courage it takes for each of us to open her eyes and accept what the day will bring.</p><p></p><p>It's such a hard thing, what we do as a matter of course.</p><p></p><p>We are amazing mothers, amazing human beings.</p><p></p><p>Honoring ourselves is part of our healing.</p><p></p><p>I am deeply honored to have been able to hear your family's story.</p><p></p><p>And to be part of this site.</p><p></p><p>And to be able to see some things I could not bear to look at, before. </p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 648511, member: 17461"] You have behaved with strength, a kind and open integrity, and dignity in a very difficult time. We need to hear these good things about ourselves from others because to us, outcomes are not generally the successes we envisioned. You behaved beautifully. Good job! There are two good things happening here. One is your willingness to accept and work with what is. The other is that your son is responding well. It is a hard thing to discipline ourselves to give only what will (potentially) make a difference, but doing so provides us a place to stand. , Thank you, pandora. This is also true for our son. I don't know how to think about that, don't know how to hold both pieces of that part of our family story together, either. It is what it is. I am learning how to do this, too. I had just gone through a thing where I could not stop hearing the phrase "Ours is an ugly story." It made me very sad. But as I came through it, I found that I was stronger. I would say not that the stories of our broken families are stupid, but that they are ongoing tragedies. I think it is crucially important that we see ourselves correctly. We are their mothers. (And their fathers. Men see it differently. I know that is not politically correct. But I believe it is very true.) Anyway. It is crucially important that we understand the living horror in what is happening to our families. If we do that, we can see the truth about ourselves in a correct way. We can see and accept and admire our strength and our courage in the face of almost insurmountable (and stupid) loss. That is what is stupid about our stories. There is an element of choice here, for our children. For a time, there is an element of choice. Soon enough, even that is taken from them. We can draw strength from recognizing and acknowledging and celebrating what turns out to be a kind of towering, unchangeable, unflagable love for ourselves and our children and our families. We can take courage there. If only we can learn to see it. We are surviving, loving and living and trying to hold our families, and our family identities, together in the face of something overwhelmingly destructive. Our stories are not stupid, but outrageously courageous. We are learning to respond correctly. We are understanding and accepting that we may have to put our children at risk to do it. [I]And we are doing what needs to be done.[/I] We may not win. Still, we are brave. We are no longer arrogant, but we are not frozen in place, either. We are doing something impossible and we are doing it well. It is crucially important to understand these things about ourselves and our stories and our children. Though I believed myself fraudulent or cowardly or somehow lacking, the truth turned out to be that I have (as we all have, here on the site) stood right up again and again against impossible odds. I stood right there, all by myself. And I protected my children and I didn't know what to do, but I did the best I knew to do. I lost, anyway. But that does not change the courage it takes for each of us to open her eyes and accept what the day will bring. It's such a hard thing, what we do as a matter of course. We are amazing mothers, amazing human beings. Honoring ourselves is part of our healing. I am deeply honored to have been able to hear your family's story. And to be part of this site. And to be able to see some things I could not bear to look at, before. :O) Cedar [/QUOTE]
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New here. “Loaning” rent and buying food for nearly 19-year old who just squandered $30,000
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