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<blockquote data-quote="slsh" data-source="post: 687107" data-attributes="member: 8"><p>Hi Mary, and welcome.</p><p></p><p>I've been thinking about your post all day, trying to get my thoughts in order. Please take what you can use in my comments, and ignore the rest, ok? <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /></p><p></p><p>I'm going to first direct you to a list of (click on the bluish print) <a href="http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/questions-to-ask-an-residential-treatment-center-Residential%20Treatment%20Center%20%28RTC%29-need-input.200/#axzz47e7U8VDo" target="_blank">questions to ask an Residential Treatment Center (RTC)</a>. It's a pretty old post, but I think still relevant. Some of it may not necessarily apply in your case since CPS is involved, but on the other hand I think they're still good questions to be asking CPS. I think it's important in every conversation you have with CPS and Residential Treatment Center (RTC) that you emphasize that the goal is family reunification, period. <strong>With appropriate supports in place for you and him and a solid discharge plan</strong> when the day comes for him to return home.</p><p></p><p>I intentionally remembered today for the first time in a very long time the horrible day when we took our son to his first Residential Treatment Center (RTC). He was also 9. I was beyond devastated and heartbroken and sick with worry and fear and afraid he would never forgive us and and and ... you know. But it was our last best hope. We'd been through multiple different school placements, multiple hospitalizations (I think we were at 15 by the time he left), therapists and psychiatrists and medications and diagnoses and everything we could think of, everything *anyone* could think of. We were still left with a kid who was defiant and oppositional to everyone on a good day, and a threat to our physical safety on his bad days.</p><p></p><p>I don't believe the decision to place a child in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is ever made lightly - whether it be parents or CPS or the state making that decision. It is a choice of, in many ways, last resort. It's wicked expensive, extremely disruptive to the family, and I don't believe anyone involved in the care of a child would make that choice because it's "easy" or anything other than in the best interest of the child. Which I know is of absolutely no comfort to you right now. I'm really so very sorry.</p><p></p><p>Will he hate you? Maybe. Will he feel abandoned? Maybe. Could he still end up in jail? Maybe. On the other hand, you've already dealt with some pretty significant behaviors. You've got a kid who is not functioning well in school (and if I had to place a bet, I'd guess he's probably a pretty bright kid - there's something about school and authority and our challenging kids that simply do not mix). How many options do you have left for him at home, in terms of treatment, schooling, and in terms of support for you? I'm a little concerned that a therapeutic foster family has not been able to adequately address his needs. He may very well be a kid that needs the extreme structure of an Residential Treatment Center (RTC).</p><p></p><p>There are no guarantees. In anything, but especially not when it comes to challenging kids and mental health/illness and RTCs. </p><p></p><p>My son was in 3 RTCs over the course of 7 years (he spent a total of 6 weeks living with us between the age of 9 and 18 - he could maintain about 3 weeks before completely flipping out dangerously and having to be readmitted to hospital/new Residential Treatment Center (RTC)), followed by 2 years in a transitional living program (TLP) that was supposed to prepare him to function independently. Two of the RTCs were excellent - truly <u>treatment</u> centers. One was a snake pit that was shut down by the state shortly after I pulled my kid out. The TLP was worthless, but in hindsight, I think that was more due to the fact that my kid wanted to do what he wanted to do and if he didn't want to do it, forget it. </p><p></p><p>Was he cured? Nope. Did he get any benefit from Residential Treatment Center (RTC)? Yes, I think so. Residential Treatment Center (RTC) isn't home. The good ones do a decent job of nurturing as well as treating our kids, but it will never be home and they will never do things the way you would do them. </p><p></p><p>Long story short, my kid aged out and lived on the streets of Chicago for 2 years. We had minimal contact with him during that time (his choice). And then he started coming back home more often. Decided that being cold and hungry and high was kind of a miserable way to live. Slowly got his act together. He's 25 now, drug-free, an EMT, and an absolute delight. We talk about his childhood and the choices we had to make - he doesn't hate us, understands that we were left with no choice, and ... we have a very close relationship. I certainly never expected us to be in such a good place, but we are.</p><p></p><p>I truly understand your fear and feeling of helplessness. What I think you need to remember right now is that, in spite of your broken heart, you are still his very best advocate. You have some extra obstacles because of the involvement of CPS, but still.... you are the *best* person to keep what is best for *him* at the forefront. Keep in contact with the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) - our experience is that the families who were involved, who visited/called/participated in family therapy, they were the ones who had the least problems.</p><p></p><p>I think it's also important to emphasize to your son that his length of stay is entirely in his hands (assuming CPS is on board with that). Follow rules, participate in therapy, work the program.... that's what they're looking for. </p><p></p><p>I think it's ok for him to know you're sad that he's not home (my gosh, I cried oceans with every Residential Treatment Center (RTC) admission and probably most of his hospitalizations) - our kids can have a hard time seeing that their choices affect others, and I don't think 9 is too soon for him to understand that he has control over this situation and that it affects you too. </p><p></p><p>I think I covered everything that crossed my mind today. I hope I don't come across as stern or grumpy or know-it-all because, more than anything, I remembered today how awful it was to have to leave my kid at an Residential Treatment Center (RTC), and my heart aches for you. We do the very best we can do. You are doing the best you can for your son. I am so very very sorry. </p><p></p><p>Gentle hugs.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="slsh, post: 687107, member: 8"] Hi Mary, and welcome. I've been thinking about your post all day, trying to get my thoughts in order. Please take what you can use in my comments, and ignore the rest, ok? ;) I'm going to first direct you to a list of (click on the bluish print) [URL='http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/questions-to-ask-an-residential-treatment-center-Residential%20Treatment%20Center%20%28RTC%29-need-input.200/#axzz47e7U8VDo']questions to ask an Residential Treatment Center (RTC)[/URL]. It's a pretty old post, but I think still relevant. Some of it may not necessarily apply in your case since CPS is involved, but on the other hand I think they're still good questions to be asking CPS. I think it's important in every conversation you have with CPS and Residential Treatment Center (RTC) that you emphasize that the goal is family reunification, period. [B]With appropriate supports in place for you and him and a solid discharge plan[/B] when the day comes for him to return home. I intentionally remembered today for the first time in a very long time the horrible day when we took our son to his first Residential Treatment Center (RTC). He was also 9. I was beyond devastated and heartbroken and sick with worry and fear and afraid he would never forgive us and and and ... you know. But it was our last best hope. We'd been through multiple different school placements, multiple hospitalizations (I think we were at 15 by the time he left), therapists and psychiatrists and medications and diagnoses and everything we could think of, everything *anyone* could think of. We were still left with a kid who was defiant and oppositional to everyone on a good day, and a threat to our physical safety on his bad days. I don't believe the decision to place a child in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is ever made lightly - whether it be parents or CPS or the state making that decision. It is a choice of, in many ways, last resort. It's wicked expensive, extremely disruptive to the family, and I don't believe anyone involved in the care of a child would make that choice because it's "easy" or anything other than in the best interest of the child. Which I know is of absolutely no comfort to you right now. I'm really so very sorry. Will he hate you? Maybe. Will he feel abandoned? Maybe. Could he still end up in jail? Maybe. On the other hand, you've already dealt with some pretty significant behaviors. You've got a kid who is not functioning well in school (and if I had to place a bet, I'd guess he's probably a pretty bright kid - there's something about school and authority and our challenging kids that simply do not mix). How many options do you have left for him at home, in terms of treatment, schooling, and in terms of support for you? I'm a little concerned that a therapeutic foster family has not been able to adequately address his needs. He may very well be a kid that needs the extreme structure of an Residential Treatment Center (RTC). There are no guarantees. In anything, but especially not when it comes to challenging kids and mental health/illness and RTCs. My son was in 3 RTCs over the course of 7 years (he spent a total of 6 weeks living with us between the age of 9 and 18 - he could maintain about 3 weeks before completely flipping out dangerously and having to be readmitted to hospital/new Residential Treatment Center (RTC)), followed by 2 years in a transitional living program (TLP) that was supposed to prepare him to function independently. Two of the RTCs were excellent - truly [U]treatment[/U] centers. One was a snake pit that was shut down by the state shortly after I pulled my kid out. The TLP was worthless, but in hindsight, I think that was more due to the fact that my kid wanted to do what he wanted to do and if he didn't want to do it, forget it. Was he cured? Nope. Did he get any benefit from Residential Treatment Center (RTC)? Yes, I think so. Residential Treatment Center (RTC) isn't home. The good ones do a decent job of nurturing as well as treating our kids, but it will never be home and they will never do things the way you would do them. Long story short, my kid aged out and lived on the streets of Chicago for 2 years. We had minimal contact with him during that time (his choice). And then he started coming back home more often. Decided that being cold and hungry and high was kind of a miserable way to live. Slowly got his act together. He's 25 now, drug-free, an EMT, and an absolute delight. We talk about his childhood and the choices we had to make - he doesn't hate us, understands that we were left with no choice, and ... we have a very close relationship. I certainly never expected us to be in such a good place, but we are. I truly understand your fear and feeling of helplessness. What I think you need to remember right now is that, in spite of your broken heart, you are still his very best advocate. You have some extra obstacles because of the involvement of CPS, but still.... you are the *best* person to keep what is best for *him* at the forefront. Keep in contact with the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) - our experience is that the families who were involved, who visited/called/participated in family therapy, they were the ones who had the least problems. I think it's also important to emphasize to your son that his length of stay is entirely in his hands (assuming CPS is on board with that). Follow rules, participate in therapy, work the program.... that's what they're looking for. I think it's ok for him to know you're sad that he's not home (my gosh, I cried oceans with every Residential Treatment Center (RTC) admission and probably most of his hospitalizations) - our kids can have a hard time seeing that their choices affect others, and I don't think 9 is too soon for him to understand that he has control over this situation and that it affects you too. I think I covered everything that crossed my mind today. I hope I don't come across as stern or grumpy or know-it-all because, more than anything, I remembered today how awful it was to have to leave my kid at an Residential Treatment Center (RTC), and my heart aches for you. We do the very best we can do. You are doing the best you can for your son. I am so very very sorry. Gentle hugs. [/QUOTE]
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