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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 655048" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Annego, welcome to this forum. We are all in the same spot with our difficult adult children. </p><p></p><p>It's important to note that by society's standards, they are adults. </p><p></p><p>Also, we can all identify young adults the same age as our own difficult adult children and see that it IS possible to behave differently. Many young people who are 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24 are doing any of positive, contributing things to not only take care of themselves and better their own lives, but to help others. </p><p></p><p>We build on a foundation of understanding exactly WHAT IS. Reality. Not what we hoped it would be, expected it would be, wished it would be.</p><p></p><p>I had my son's life all figured out from the day he was born, basically. Do well in school, have lots of friends, play sports, have a part time job, go to college, get a degree, get a good job, get married, have 2.5 kids. I jest a little bit here, but not much. </p><p></p><p>My older son has basically done what I dreamed and expected. My younger son has not.</p><p></p><p>One of the first things I had to face and learn that my expectations were MY expectations and not his. I had to learn how to accept him and to let go. It has been a very long and hard six or seven years, but I have made a lot of progress in my own thinking and behaving. My feelings trail way behind, but in that regard, I've learned to feel my feelings and accept them as true and my own, but not act on them. That was another important learning for me.</p><p></p><p>Annego, the only people we can change are ourselves. You can't change your daughter or get her to realize things that she doesn't realize and act on today. But you already know this---I'm sure you have been trying for years.</p><p></p><p>When there are diagnosis of mental illness, it makes us even more confused. Did you know addiction is a primary diagnosis under the category of mental illness? It is. That, by itself, is classified as a mental illness. And professionals agree that you can't identify any other possible mental diagnosis until that one is treated successfully, so depression, ODD, etc., are possibilities, but can't be confirmed until the person is clean and sober. </p><p></p><p>I wrestled with this, lying awake all night long, for years. If he is mentally ill, then THAT's WHY he is doing all of these things, and so what do I DO? Finally, I learned that he is still responsible for his own actions, no matter what, unless he is tied down and can't recognize night from day. He is still accountable for his behavior.</p><p></p><p>All of these lessons are hard ones to hear and to internalize and then, to act upon. We will go round and round and round trying to make the truth...not the truth.</p><p></p><p>I did that, and sometimes I still do. But today, I have peace and serenity and happiness regardless of what my son is doing or not doing. He is better today, and I firmly believe that one reason he is better is because I got out of the way. </p><p></p><p>We have to get out of the way.</p><p></p><p>Please keep sharing here. Your daughter is an adult who is making her own decisions. Start turning your energy onto yourself, to learn how to live and be happy regardless. It is possible. I promise you.</p><p></p><p>Warm hugs.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 655048, member: 17542"] Annego, welcome to this forum. We are all in the same spot with our difficult adult children. It's important to note that by society's standards, they are adults. Also, we can all identify young adults the same age as our own difficult adult children and see that it IS possible to behave differently. Many young people who are 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24 are doing any of positive, contributing things to not only take care of themselves and better their own lives, but to help others. We build on a foundation of understanding exactly WHAT IS. Reality. Not what we hoped it would be, expected it would be, wished it would be. I had my son's life all figured out from the day he was born, basically. Do well in school, have lots of friends, play sports, have a part time job, go to college, get a degree, get a good job, get married, have 2.5 kids. I jest a little bit here, but not much. My older son has basically done what I dreamed and expected. My younger son has not. One of the first things I had to face and learn that my expectations were MY expectations and not his. I had to learn how to accept him and to let go. It has been a very long and hard six or seven years, but I have made a lot of progress in my own thinking and behaving. My feelings trail way behind, but in that regard, I've learned to feel my feelings and accept them as true and my own, but not act on them. That was another important learning for me. Annego, the only people we can change are ourselves. You can't change your daughter or get her to realize things that she doesn't realize and act on today. But you already know this---I'm sure you have been trying for years. When there are diagnosis of mental illness, it makes us even more confused. Did you know addiction is a primary diagnosis under the category of mental illness? It is. That, by itself, is classified as a mental illness. And professionals agree that you can't identify any other possible mental diagnosis until that one is treated successfully, so depression, ODD, etc., are possibilities, but can't be confirmed until the person is clean and sober. I wrestled with this, lying awake all night long, for years. If he is mentally ill, then THAT's WHY he is doing all of these things, and so what do I DO? Finally, I learned that he is still responsible for his own actions, no matter what, unless he is tied down and can't recognize night from day. He is still accountable for his behavior. All of these lessons are hard ones to hear and to internalize and then, to act upon. We will go round and round and round trying to make the truth...not the truth. I did that, and sometimes I still do. But today, I have peace and serenity and happiness regardless of what my son is doing or not doing. He is better today, and I firmly believe that one reason he is better is because I got out of the way. We have to get out of the way. Please keep sharing here. Your daughter is an adult who is making her own decisions. Start turning your energy onto yourself, to learn how to live and be happy regardless. It is possible. I promise you. Warm hugs. [/QUOTE]
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