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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 630979" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Welcome, treehugger. You have gone past and beyond what any parent could do for an adult, a man. I wouldn't pay for the bus ticket (let him find his own way to get to yet another place to use drugs), but aside from that I believe you are on the right track. These men and women (they are not our little kids anymore) have to decide to change and if they don't decide to change, well, life is very tough if you won't work, use drugs, and break the law. But THEY alone are making the decision to do it and YOU are powerless to stop them. Makes no sense to "help" them self-destruct. Usually any money sent is used for drugs, not the intended purpose anyway.</p><p></p><p>Now about YOU. You have a life and should not get ill, either mentally or physically, because of your adult child's terrible choices. As for suicide, I have been on this board for over a decade and can not recall even one adult child actually going through with suicide, although some have tried, some attempts more serious than others. Most just attempts to make us send them money. Once the bank is closed, they tend to get desperate and go to extremes to try to force us to start the money flow again. They don't care if we give them all of our retirement. Most are lacking in empathy, some because of drug use and some because they have always been empathy-challenged. It is time for you to drop the "mommy" role and become a person in your own right...choosing to hang around with loved ones who treat you well.</p><p></p><p>My way of not communicating with my son when he is unpleasant is twofold. First, Is simply give myself a break and don't answer. The phone goes off when I go to sleep. Yes, I could maybe have a .1111% chance I'll miss a real emergency, but what can I do about it anyway? I need to sleep. Secondly, and this was surprisingly and pleasantly effective, I got sick and tired of the verbal diarrhea coming out of his mouth and being tossed at me and the loud anger, cuss words, c-word, blame, insults, etc. I finally just stopped caring whether he called me or not and set down some first boundaries. These are my phone rules for my son, who is 36 already and a middle age man and should know better. He lives several states away so I don't see him as much as he calls me for every little thing, but then he abuses me for my answers:</p><p></p><p>1. I stopped giving any advice. It's "Uh-huh," "I see" "Yep" "Sounds tough."</p><p></p><p>2. If he raises his voice to me, and I mean so much as raises it a little bit, I gently sign off the phone an d won't answer his barrage of calls following that activity. To be fair, I did tell him I was done talking to him if he couldn't treat me the way I treated him and that if he abused me in any way during a conversation, I would hang up. He didn't believe me. He had to believe me. Ditto goes for blaming me for things that happened (or that he wants me to think happened) twenty years ago, if he swears at me or calls me a name (he can swear, but not if it is directed at me). I did not think it would work. I thought he'd stop calling me. Either way, I didn't care. Oh, yeah. If he asks me for a dime that is also grounds for my hanging up. At age 36, with a job and a fairly well off girlfriend, I don't think he needs my money and he is old enough to find a way to make extra money if he has spent all he has, which he often does. Oh, well. The mortgage still must be paid, but I don't have the money to pay for it and I wouldn't pay it even if I did. Time for him to be the man he is or to learn natural consequences.</p><p></p><p>Actually he is a momma's boy at heart and needs to call me, but I followed my own boundaries and at this point in time our talks are almost pleasant. If he violates my boundary, I tell him I have to go and I go. But he seems to have learned that I won't put up with his abuse. I put up with it for so long, I am sure he is in shock.</p><p></p><p>I have found, from being on this board for so long, that some mothers simply can not handle the notion of letting go of a chld, even one who is 25 or 35. I offer the advice that helped me and hope you move on to have a wonderful rest-of-your-life without living the horrors of your young man's horrors. As for suicide, I have thought a lot about that lately because it is such a big fear of ours. And this is what I came up with. Take what helps you and leave the rest.</p><p></p><p>I have known several young people who have taken their lives. Now I am not The World so this is just my experience. The ones who did it were not troublemakers. They shocked their parents and friends who had no idea they were so unhappy. They were not druggies or for lackc of a better word, losers. Some had mental health issues. One had a physical illness (cerebral palsy) and could not handle it anymore and knew he was going to die soon (it was very sad). The kids who had seen him the night before, including his girlfriend, had no idea he was thinking of suicide, but by the way he did it, it was no accident.</p><p></p><p>Anyone's adult child or teen can kill themselves, but it is likely that if they really want to do it, they probably aren't going to announce it or use it as a threat. The parents of the small sample I know of had no idea suicide was on the minds of their children/adult children. Can we be sure our adult children won't do it? No. We also can't be sure they won't get killed while driving high (my daughter who once used drugs was in three serious accidents, even after we forbade her from driving our vehicles--she found some very stupid friends who let her use theirs). We can't be sure they won't get hit by a car crossing the street. We can't be sure our wonderful children, who are not problems...well, you know what I mean. I can't even type it. But we can't control life and death and what other people do. And worrying 24/7 doesn't make them any safer. My 36 year old son uses the suicide card to try to get his way, but I handle it now by calling 911. He has stopped doing it as he really didn't want that sort of attention. He just wanted me to do what he wanted me to do.</p><p></p><p>We all take our own journey. Some mothers can never do the walk they must to heal themselves and feel that their children, no matter how old, are their identity; their life. That leads to madness, in my opinion, and helps nobody. I hope you choose a saner walk and it sounds like you are on the right track.</p><p></p><p>Hugs for your hurting mommy heart and please update us.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 630979, member: 1550"] Welcome, treehugger. You have gone past and beyond what any parent could do for an adult, a man. I wouldn't pay for the bus ticket (let him find his own way to get to yet another place to use drugs), but aside from that I believe you are on the right track. These men and women (they are not our little kids anymore) have to decide to change and if they don't decide to change, well, life is very tough if you won't work, use drugs, and break the law. But THEY alone are making the decision to do it and YOU are powerless to stop them. Makes no sense to "help" them self-destruct. Usually any money sent is used for drugs, not the intended purpose anyway. Now about YOU. You have a life and should not get ill, either mentally or physically, because of your adult child's terrible choices. As for suicide, I have been on this board for over a decade and can not recall even one adult child actually going through with suicide, although some have tried, some attempts more serious than others. Most just attempts to make us send them money. Once the bank is closed, they tend to get desperate and go to extremes to try to force us to start the money flow again. They don't care if we give them all of our retirement. Most are lacking in empathy, some because of drug use and some because they have always been empathy-challenged. It is time for you to drop the "mommy" role and become a person in your own right...choosing to hang around with loved ones who treat you well. My way of not communicating with my son when he is unpleasant is twofold. First, Is simply give myself a break and don't answer. The phone goes off when I go to sleep. Yes, I could maybe have a .1111% chance I'll miss a real emergency, but what can I do about it anyway? I need to sleep. Secondly, and this was surprisingly and pleasantly effective, I got sick and tired of the verbal diarrhea coming out of his mouth and being tossed at me and the loud anger, cuss words, c-word, blame, insults, etc. I finally just stopped caring whether he called me or not and set down some first boundaries. These are my phone rules for my son, who is 36 already and a middle age man and should know better. He lives several states away so I don't see him as much as he calls me for every little thing, but then he abuses me for my answers: 1. I stopped giving any advice. It's "Uh-huh," "I see" "Yep" "Sounds tough." 2. If he raises his voice to me, and I mean so much as raises it a little bit, I gently sign off the phone an d won't answer his barrage of calls following that activity. To be fair, I did tell him I was done talking to him if he couldn't treat me the way I treated him and that if he abused me in any way during a conversation, I would hang up. He didn't believe me. He had to believe me. Ditto goes for blaming me for things that happened (or that he wants me to think happened) twenty years ago, if he swears at me or calls me a name (he can swear, but not if it is directed at me). I did not think it would work. I thought he'd stop calling me. Either way, I didn't care. Oh, yeah. If he asks me for a dime that is also grounds for my hanging up. At age 36, with a job and a fairly well off girlfriend, I don't think he needs my money and he is old enough to find a way to make extra money if he has spent all he has, which he often does. Oh, well. The mortgage still must be paid, but I don't have the money to pay for it and I wouldn't pay it even if I did. Time for him to be the man he is or to learn natural consequences. Actually he is a momma's boy at heart and needs to call me, but I followed my own boundaries and at this point in time our talks are almost pleasant. If he violates my boundary, I tell him I have to go and I go. But he seems to have learned that I won't put up with his abuse. I put up with it for so long, I am sure he is in shock. I have found, from being on this board for so long, that some mothers simply can not handle the notion of letting go of a chld, even one who is 25 or 35. I offer the advice that helped me and hope you move on to have a wonderful rest-of-your-life without living the horrors of your young man's horrors. As for suicide, I have thought a lot about that lately because it is such a big fear of ours. And this is what I came up with. Take what helps you and leave the rest. I have known several young people who have taken their lives. Now I am not The World so this is just my experience. The ones who did it were not troublemakers. They shocked their parents and friends who had no idea they were so unhappy. They were not druggies or for lackc of a better word, losers. Some had mental health issues. One had a physical illness (cerebral palsy) and could not handle it anymore and knew he was going to die soon (it was very sad). The kids who had seen him the night before, including his girlfriend, had no idea he was thinking of suicide, but by the way he did it, it was no accident. Anyone's adult child or teen can kill themselves, but it is likely that if they really want to do it, they probably aren't going to announce it or use it as a threat. The parents of the small sample I know of had no idea suicide was on the minds of their children/adult children. Can we be sure our adult children won't do it? No. We also can't be sure they won't get killed while driving high (my daughter who once used drugs was in three serious accidents, even after we forbade her from driving our vehicles--she found some very stupid friends who let her use theirs). We can't be sure they won't get hit by a car crossing the street. We can't be sure our wonderful children, who are not problems...well, you know what I mean. I can't even type it. But we can't control life and death and what other people do. And worrying 24/7 doesn't make them any safer. My 36 year old son uses the suicide card to try to get his way, but I handle it now by calling 911. He has stopped doing it as he really didn't want that sort of attention. He just wanted me to do what he wanted me to do. We all take our own journey. Some mothers can never do the walk they must to heal themselves and feel that their children, no matter how old, are their identity; their life. That leads to madness, in my opinion, and helps nobody. I hope you choose a saner walk and it sounds like you are on the right track. Hugs for your hurting mommy heart and please update us. [/QUOTE]
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