New here and going crazy

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by elizabrary, Feb 23, 2011.

  1. elizabrary

    elizabrary Member

    I have a 20-year-old daughter who is about to drive me over the edge. I'm so glad I found this forum. She has been difficult since about 12- refused to do schoolwork, sexually promiscuous, defiant, skipped school, you name it. At 14 she and her stepmother really got into it and she threatened to run away. Her dad (we shared custody) packed up all of her stuff and dropped her off at my house. She never stayed there again and rarely saw him. At 16 she got involved with a 25-year-old man and got her first abortion. Her dr. diagnosed her depressed put her on Lexapro, which took for about 2 months and then refused. Her junior year she stopped going to school but managed to graduate through an adult ed program. At 17 she got her second abortion. She moved in with-her much older boyfriend just after turning 18. I later found out he was abusive to her. She got pregnant again and decided to have the baby with her abuser. She worked at a restaurant and attended community college while the father did nothing. Of course she quit going to classes and when she was 8 months pregnant they were evicted. I let them stay at my house, which was when I discovered the abuse. Of course I spoke to her repeatedly about it. Shortly after the baby was born when I was still asleep he pushed her down. She dropped him off at a house they were about to move into and came home and said she wanted to leave him. We called the police, went through the whole rigamorole, then she went back to him a month later. I pretty much broke off contact as I told her I would not support her in any way while she was with this guy. About 3 months later she left him and moved back into my house. I did everything I could to support her. She re-enrolled in school and worked at a daycare. About 4 months later I discovered she had quit going to school again and she left me overnight with the baby then returned home way late. I was livid and explained how she needed to behave if she wanted to continue to live with me. Two days later she said she and the baby were staying at a friend's. She never came back home and I found out she met a guy on the internet and was living at different places with him. When she came home for Thanksgiving I told her if she didn't have a permanent place to live by Dec. 31 I was calling CPS to get custody of the baby. She moved to a different state with-the internet guy and came home this weekend to get her stuff out of my house. She wanted me to keep the baby overnight so they could "get his stuff" from a nearby town (read: go out and party). I refused. She threw a fit like a 3-year-old and when they moved her stuff they left the house in a mess with trash everywhere and anything she didn't want just left for me to haul off (I live alone).

    I have detached from her fairly well, but am worried sick about the baby. I NEVER thought I would be going through such madness with her. I think she's bi-polar (or something, who even knows) and told her I thought this. I said she should see a dr. Of course she was furious and refused, claiming she's fine. After interactions with her it is all I can do to get out of bed and go to work. Thank God I have my dogs and live in the country. I go on long walks with them every morning and evening to keep myself sane. Sorry this is so long, but it feels good to get it out. Any words of encouragement would help!
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Welcome to the board eliza

    I'm glad you found us, but sorry you need to.

    I understand all too well the worry over innocent grandchildren. The awful part about parenting adult children is there is nothing you can do to help them when they don't want the help. Bipolar or not, she at the very least sounds very immature, not uncommon with difficult children.

    As children we can help them to at least the degree of dragging them to docs ect. As adults we don't have that option. Stinks. Looks like you've drawn some boundaries with your daughter and are willing to stick to them. This is a very good thing and hard to do. As an adult it's up to her now to either use what you spent her childhood teaching her or not. Or to realize she has a problem and seek help, or not. We can encourage, attempt to guide and advise......but if they're not ready to listen, then it's not going to make a huge difference. As parents of adults we have to learn to let them make their mistakes and continue to live and learn to enjoy our own lives even while they're doing it. It sounds like you're already finding ways to do that too, which is also good.

    Now you have parents to talk to who really understand.........and that is the best thing of all.

    I'll be praying for your grandchild's safety.

  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi, so sorry you have to find us like this. So sorry your daughter is acting like this and putting that poor baby through such madness. I will be honest and tell you that if you are concerned for the childs safety you may want to contact CPS in whichever state she is now living and tell them your fears. Hopefully they can at least look in on the baby. Maybe that will make her straighten up a bit if she wants to keep the child. If not, you may get CPS knocking on your door with a baby in tow. Dont know if that is something you want to take on or not.

    Parenting adult kids is not for the faint of heart.
  4. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Welcome - whew - you really have been through a lot with her. You have found a great place!! This place keeps my sanity and the wisdom from the women here is invaluable!! I have a daughter that is 17 and it has been hades ever since she was a toddler. A child impossible to parent. Mine took prozac for a while, and man alive, when she was sober and taking her medications - wow!!!!!! The awesome young woman she was and a joy to be around. But when she is not taking them, and using drugs, miserable you know what. I'm sorry you have to worry about your grandchild. :( That is one thing we have not had to deal with here, yet. Keep coming back - it soooo helps to know you are not alone.
  5. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    Welcome to this wonderful and supportive place. I'm glad you found us.

    I have a 19.5 year old with similar behavior (minus the baby). She has engaged in some very risky internet behavior and did land with an abuser for awhile. Right now, she's unemployed mostly living with her Ostrich dad (but is here for the week) and has a very nice, however pot-headed and unambitious) boyfriend. It's a struggle when their behavior is unpredictable. You hit a calm spot (now) and hold your breath. You hit a rough spot, and hang on for dear life.

    I would considere calling CPS. If he's abusive to her, who knows what he's like with that innocent baby.

    Keep posting. We're here for you.
  6. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome. I've been there done that too. I really worry about my grandchildren, too.. it's a very helpless feeling. Although they and my Youngest are staying with me temporarily, I worry about their future once she's back out "on her own" in a few months. I would agree with the idea to contact CPS wherever she is, if you are concerned about outright neglect and abuse.

    I also wanted to say that I know what it's like to have a difficult child who's involved with an abusive man. The father of Youngest's first baby was extremely abusive, and I used to be convinced he'd kill her one day if she didn't leave him. I've never felt so helpless in my life. The more I tried to convince her to leave him, the more she'd stick with him. The police were called several times, she wouldn't press charges, and they couldn't do anything with no physical evidence of abuse. They began to get frustrated themselves. I couldn't do a single thing to help her. What I learned was that it's more important to offer suport and encouragement, than to be another person telling her how bad her choices are... since that's what her boyfriend was doing to her. Me telling her she was a fool to stay with him, only solidified the self-esteem killing abuse he was heaping onto her. It's very, very difficult, however, NOT to say anything. At this point, I honestly can't even remember what it took for her to finally break up with him for good ... it was a combination of other friends, working for herself and her child, and just plain fear and disgust finally catching up with her. Of course, now she's involved with a man who abuses her in a different way.. by cheating on her, leaving her without emotional or physical support while he does what he wants, and convincing her to stay with him anyway.

    Hang in there.. I think you're on the right track.
  7. KFld

    KFld New Member

    It must be so difficult when a baby is thrown in the mix. I came close to this situation a few years back when my sons girlfriend was pregnant and luckily they did a paternity test and the baby was not his, or I would be in this same situation today.

    I'm glad you found this forum because I know there are a few grandmas on here dealing with the same issues you are and will I'm sure be a huge comfort and support to you.
  8. elizabrary

    elizabrary Member

    CrazyinVa- I did the exact same thing, going on and on about her leaving her abuser, which made them stick even closer together. I finally got out of it altogether so that leaving him was her idea. I don't think this new guy is abusive, but who knows- she met him online and he has 3 children, as well as claiming to be scouted by the NFL, although he's 24 and I'm pretty sure he already would be on a team if that were going to happen. But you can't tell her anything!

    Thanks for all the kind words and ideas. I'm going to contact CPS- at least to give them a heads up and know that someone will be keeping an eye out for my beautiful granddaughter. Yes, I would take her in a heartbeat if that were possible, although that's certainly not where I planned to be at this point in my life. Of course, none of us planned on being here at all, so we have to make the best of it!
  9. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Eliza -

    Welcome (this is a joke in our house - but - IS THAT A WEIMERINER?) - We actually have an American Bulldog - but someone asked us long ago if he was a Weimeriner and the joke just stuck. Sorry....And his teeth?! So perfect. lol

    Ahhh....what a wonderful life having to be the Mother of a person who is being abused huh? I wouldn't know. I have/had boys. I (sadly) was the abused. I didn't go home, and didn't really let my family know much. I think towards the end they had a good idea, but even now? I couldn't ever tell my Mom hardly anything I went through. One? She wouldn't understand and Two - I would never put her through it. That being said, since your daughter continually chooses to be in and out of your life and uses your Granddaughter as a pawn? My thoughts are that if you don't make a choice now? This situation will only get worse for you.

    I do think contacting CPS is a good move, but like Janet said once you get in the system? You're in. That can be good or annoying depending. Our friends here fought for custody of their Granddaughters and you can not imagine the conditions under which these two little girls were kept (if you can even call it that) shuttled back and forth like livestock, not kept clothed, clean, fed - it was horrible. They were premies, and she smoked around them, was in and out of jail, had problems with different men all the time and basically the Grandmother was raising the little girls most of the time unless the Mother 'needed' the girls for whatever it was that suited her. And the courts would not give custody, but CPS dogged the Grandmother about the Mother and the Grandmothers house, her dogs, her way of life. In the end custody was given to the Mother. Know who the girls live with today? Grandma. Grandma takes them to school, lessons, buys their clothes, feeds them, everything. Where is Mom? Laying up with another man - somewhere. It's absurd. They tried to get the Mother certified as mentally ill - that didn't happen. She just got a quicky exam and some pills, a few therapy sessions. it's obvious she's got problems. We were all just astounded.

    I do hope you have a chance to talk to a Domestic Violence counselor. Not for yourself -but it may give you some keen insight and some really good advice on how to approach your daughter and what is going on in her head and maybe how to not so much reason with her but maybe the next time you do talk to her? At least level with her about the care of your Granddaughter. If your choice is to NOT turn your back on them? Then my thoughts would be - At LEAST know how to stay one step ahead and know what you are getting yourself into, or what would come next in the cycle of abuse for your sake and the babies.

    Best of Luck to you and your girls.
  10. elizabrary

    elizabrary Member

    Thanks Star- and how funny because once someone asked me if my Chow was a Bulldog- of course, they look so much alike! My dogs are my life. At any rate, I did contact CPS but have not heard from them yet. I know that I cannot get custody unless she is on drugs (who knows- she might be) or is not providing the basics, which I think she is. I actually was involved with a domestic violence support group and they are the ones who helped me step away from the situation and shut up, which was when she finally left him. Since she met internet guy there is no rational discussion with her. She knows everything and his family is now her family, so I have to let it go. At least I notified CPS about my concerns, which seems to be the most I can do at this point. I'm pretty good at taking care of myself as I have let go more this past year. I became vegetarian, lost 65 pounds and exercise every single day which helps immensely. Oh, and lots of talks with my dogs!!!
  11. Bean

    Bean Member

    Welcome to the forum, Elizabrary.

    Yikes. I have a daughter that age, but don't have the baby issue to compound things. I'm sure that is very stressful for you. Good for you for taking steps towards better health for yourself. That's fantastic. So many of us forget to take care of ourselves, and it doesn't make our situation any better.

    I'd be interested in knowing if she is using, too. Her behaviors sound pretty erratic.
  12. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I think it is good that you came here. Always good to seek comfort for yourself and the wisdom of others.
    Should you ever feel the baby is in immediate danger, don't hesitate to call CPS.
    Personally, I would think twice about taking the baby into your home. I have a friend who did this and it has been a very difficult experience for her. Additionally, her adult child (actually more than one) continues to have kids that he can't support with other difficult children and she is now financially supporting several children. She works like a dog and doesn't see an end in sight. If the child was to go to foster care, would you as a grandparent have any visitation rights? I would ask this question of EVERYBODY and get it in writing if the answer is yes. Then, you could visit the child....double check on things....bring little gifts, etc.
    Please stay strong and make sure you continue to be okay at work and do whatever you need to do to stay well physically and emotionally.
    Not an easy task, but yours just the same.