New here and in need of help

[A.Flores]

Hello
Hope that all is well for everyone. I have a 14 yr old daughter who started to rebel when she started high school. We have found vape pens in her backpack and she is disrespectful to my wife and I. Just last week she snuck out of the house at 3am to meet a boy and returned with a hickie on her neck. This forced us to get an alarm system in our home. She has denied using drugs and we have tested her as well. She has always be negative on the test. She curses and throws things in her room if we discipline her(restriction). She has mentioned she want to die or she want to not live in this house anymore.
About a month ago I call the police because she became physical towards my wife. We have and 11yr old daughter who is witnessing this and I know it’s effecting her as well. I don’t know what to do. I need help! I don’t know what to do.

 

[Littleboylost]

Welcome A it is quiet here on the weekends but others will be along to support you soon. This is hard and please know you are not alone. It’s a good thing she is not testing positive for drugs. Seek help and seek therapy for you your wife the family and your daughter.
Behavioural issues are so difficult. I have been there and then some.
There are many resources that Run Away Bunny has posted on the topic of difficult teens. Search her posts and you will find some great resources.

Stick around this is a safe and theraptic place to be.

 

[Copabanana]

Welcome.

First. For your privacy please change your screen name as this is an anonymous site.

Okay. Your situation is very hard. But it seems to me you are doing everything right.

What other parents have done is remove privileges and comforts as natural consequences. For example. If she destroys her room, remove everything except her bed. If she does things in her room against your rules (make sure the rules are reasonable) remove her door. But to me this would be a very last resort. I have not had to do these things as my trouble started later.

The thing I might do is find a family therapist. A third party who is neutral. To work with the family. This might take away some of the pressure from you.

The other thing I might do is try to support her interest in hobbies, constructive pursuits. In my state there is equestrian therapy, with horses, free or sliding scale, for children with problems. I believe in art, dance, music, martial arts, as important outlets and means of expression. If you are lucky enough to live in a city, there can be free or low cost therapy programs for kids in arts therapy.

Is there a chance she may have been abused at some point? I had similar behavioral changes at her age. I had had a history of abuse. Puberty triggers this. If you got her to an expressive arts therapist, dance or art, they would work with her to express her pain in constructive ways.

I agree with you about your 11 year old. Her protection comes first.

I am glad you found us. Keep posting. It helps.

 

[BusynMember]

My Daughter, who is 35 and doing amazing now, started drugging at 12. Don't rule that out. MANY drugs don't show up on drug tests!!! The kids know which drugs don't show up.

I checked my daughters room and purse and found the evidence then major grounded her and she would sneak out at night. We had to put bars on her bedroom windows and called the cops when we found her with drugs. She was put on parole. Twice. She was put in a hospital. Didn't work. She wouldn't go for counseling. She was not allowed to drive our car when she got older. Not after she destroyed our van.
Looking back I didn't know what else we could have done.
We are all limited. There was no technology back then to ground her from. We tried to ask the school for help as she cut often. They told us they had 1000 students and couldn't just watch her. Gee, thanks for trying! She was smart so they refused an IEP.
All this time she remained loving to us but she was destroying herself.
We made her leave at 19. We had little kids to think of. She QUIT meth and cocaine, her two demons! She quit by a year later. She found it hard with no money and got a job and worked in the house she was allowed to stay in as well. She didn't want to be locked out and homeless. She even quit cigarettes. She was allowed to live, after begging, with an older brother who was very strict, more than us and she knew one wrong move was the street. So she.listened to him where she wouldn't to us. He had legal tenants at his house and she had to clean and cook for them all. She did!

Your daughter is still very young. Maybe tell her she shapes up or you won't get her a driver's license. Wish I'd thought of that! No cell phone or Internet maybe? We tried homeschooling....that's another option. Helped s tad.

Do try to get her to talk to a counselor. Maybe she will. Right now you can only do so much bit this does not mean that she won't see the light, like mine did. Please keep the hope.
Meanwhile talk to your younger daughter and make fun time for yourself too. You don't help your daughter by giving up your own life. Is your wife her mom? If not can mom help? Our daughter acted out after a divorce and us moving. Was very hard on her. I still feel bad about that.

There are boarding high schools for disturbed teens. I know nothing about them but they are used. You may want to look them up. There is residential treatment too but I would go there last.

Love and light. We are here.

 

[Nomad]

Welcome.
Yes, see if you can change your name. Runaway Bunny or a moderator can do this.

You’ve gotten great ideas already. This won’t be easy. You and your wife might actually need some therapy sessions for yourselves for Support.

Some ideas...many have already been said:
1. Get her a counselor/therapist for her. Preferably one good with teens.
2. Drug test her.
3. Find out her interests and encourage them. Music? Art? Get her lessons. See what they have at school. Clubs? Drama Club?
4. Set up house rules. If she breaks the rules, there should be logical consequences. The cell phone is a very powerful tool and you can take it away for a week as a sample punishment.
5. At some point...maybe not right away, but you need to be aware if she might engage in sex. If so, you might consider birth control and even the Gardisal shot.
6. Is she very close to any family members? Aunt? Grandmother? If appropriate, without telling them all the details, see if you can get them to speak with her.