New Here and needing something..not sure what

[TiredTennessean]

Hi everyone,

Ive been lurking a couple of weeks and cannot tell you how happy I was to find this forum. Ive read alot of your posts and cried to alot of them and related to most.

I am 37 and a mother to 3 boys, 15(difficult child), 12(easy child/Typical pre-T) and a 3 yr old.

Ive been having problems with my 15 yr old for awhile now. It escalated to the point to where we are letting him go live with his grandparents. I just cant do this anymore, and luckily there is another option for him where he will be loved and taken care of. He wants to live with them badly and acts totally different with them, as he has no respect for me.

He has been using marijuana at school, and recently found out he has been saving change and buying lowertabs and xanax and taking those. He got in trouble at school for having 2 packs cigs, chew. tobacco and drug paranephalia, so they turned it over to juvenile youth services where he was put on court probation for 90 days, had to watch a tobacco film and pay a fine. Then a month later he got caught smoking at school and we had to go back to juvenile office where he took a drug test and failed it for lowertab. He openly said he doesnt know how he passed it because he had smoked marijuana 2 weeks before the test. However, only the lowertab showed up. He was put on 6 mo probation, has to do 50 hours community service and have intensive in home therapy through Youth Villages 3x week. They wanted to put him inpatient due to desire and admittance to wanting to keep using drugs, but insurance wouldnt pay. We also have to see a therapist. He objects to authority figures at home and school and is failing. Also has run-away twice in the last year. He was a member in the Young Marines which he loved, for the last 2 1/2 years. He was kicked out at the end of the summer after being left in charge of some younger members for hazing and intimidation. He and another older member beat up some younger boys to show who was stronger. My son put bars of soap in a sock and hit the boys with it. One of the other boys caught it on video and that was how it was all found out. Im expecting a lawsuit at any moment, tho it hasnt happened yet.

We went to the therapist yesterday for the intake. She diagnosed him borderline conduct-disorder and with severe depression due to his suicidal thoughts and having a friend commit suicide within the last 6 months. This wasnt a close pal, but a friend at church. I recently found out thru his brother that he now doesnt believe in God.

We had a blow up this morning. He treats me as an equal, and has no respect whatsoever. He has started cussing, and has even done it in front of our 3 year old. He used to abuse his 12 year old brother who has always been much, much weaker, but after the Young Marine incident this summer, I told him be'd better not ever lay another hand on his brother. To my knowledge, he hasnt.

Seems like there is so much more to all this, but it would take all day.

I hope I am not messing up by letting him go live with his grandparents. I need peace in my house. Im not sure how I even feel about my son at this point. There are days when I feel so much dislike and even hatred. The school he will be transferring to will be better, its much smaller and a country school.. but Im wondering how this will all turn out. WOndering if he will eventually go to his old behaviors even with the threat of having to come back home. I told him that if he does mess up at his grandparents house that he will not come back home. He will have to find his father and go live with him. His bio-father is an alcoholic and can hardly keep himself supported.

Any comments or thoughts are so very welcome. Im broken and not sure what to do or if Im making the right decisions. I feel so many emotions at this point.

Thanks,
Nicole

 

[DDD]

Welcome. As we often say "glad you found us...sorry you had to"....it is a hard road to hoe and we understand. Sorry I don't have much time right now but wanted to extend a hand of friendship. I always have a bunch of questions but off the top of my head and in a hurry, lol, I'll just ask one. Do the GP's live in your area? If he'll be in the same school with the same friends I
imagine the honeymoon will be over soon. Sending caring hugs your way. DDD

 

[AnnieO]

Welcome... And LOTS of gentle hugs.

I, too, have a 15-y/o. Onyxx has been in juvie for assault and failing a drug test, on cold medications, drinking, smoking... Domestic violence and drug theft arrests... My story, too, is very, very long. I found this place simply because as a stepmom, I had no way to get a handle on what was happening to me, to my husband, and to my stepson... And most of all, what was going on in Onyxx's head!

My question, too, is about the grandparents. Honestly, if he is in the same school, with the same people, things will just continue... And he will, as DDD said, end the honeymoon period in a hurry. FWIW, my parents could not believe anything I said about Onyxx's behavior. After needing their help to be there after school for the kids, for therapy reasons as well as the fact that ***I*** could not leave her alone, they finally started to see what I was dealing with. Not in its entirety. But enough so that they no longer blamed husband for bad parenting.

I've been told by many people that I should do something different, because obviously it is my fault Onyxx began acting out when she did. And that I am the one causing the situations. I've come to understand that I am doing everything I can - I'm not perfect - and it's not my fault. I still wonder - what if I did this differently.

Keep up with the therapy. I can tell you - from what I've seen in just the last few months - there is light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes, you do all you can, and it just doesn't work... Sometimes, there's a breakthrough. But in the meantime - take care of yourself. That light I mentioned? Might be a turnaround in his behavior, might be detachment on your part.

Keep posting here - my situation has changed dramatically since I found this place almost 2 years ago, but things crop up. And you never know what you might find that might help you - your husband - or your other kids.

More hugs!!!

 

[TiredTennessean]

No, he will be in a different, smaller school, out in the country. I went there my last year and a half of HS and it was much better than I thought. Of course that was 20 years ago. Im sure there is some of the same stuff as his present school regarding drugs, but there wasnt when I was there, or that I knew of anyways.

Im feeling really lost, hurt, relieved and ashamed. Hurt because he doesnt want me, doesnt interact with anyone here, relieved that he will be out of my hair for the most part, and ashamed because I feel like Im giving up by letting him go.
I think I need therapy, lol.

 

[TiredTennessean]

I replied yesterday, but somehow it never posted, so I will try again.

difficult child will be in a different school, one much smaller and a "country" school. I actually graduated there and it was better than the city school. Im sure that if there is any kids into anything, difficult child will probably find it. This is a new start for him and he knows if he blows it, he probably will not come back home. We had DCS in our home yesterday and they talked to him, but he shows no concern for his actions. Says he isnt depressed even tho he thinks about suicide.(usually after we have a fight).
This child hates me. When I walk into the LR to watch TV with the family, he gets up and walks out. WHen we go somewhere in our van, he lets his little brother sit up front because he doesnt want to sit next to me. He has pretty much stopped associating with us, especially while in school. He comes home, goes up to his room and sleeps or whatever else, comes down to eat, then goes back to his room. I wish I could fix things, but after trying to show affection to him the other day and being brushed off, I just feel like giving up. It hurts and Im wondering at this point if we will ever have a normal relationship. Im pretty sure I will not have him back home if he flops at his Gparents. I will either send him to military school (where my husband says he will more than likely find a way to get himself kicked out) or will send him to live with his dead beat bio-dad who is alcoholic and hasnt figured out life yet. I also feel like he is trying to turn my middle son against me too. God only knows what he says about me to easy child. I hear alot of whispering. Maybe Im just paranoid.

So sorry for the rambling. Im just so full of emotions and needing to feel some sort of support I suppose.

 

[DDD]

It sounds like he has found your chain and is having fun pulling it! difficult child's have a bullying gene and he has found yours. Don't let him get to you. You are making a decision based on what is best for him. You are the parent. Parents are not perfect.
You love the kid. He knows it. You know it. Hugs DDD

 

[toughlovin]

I totally understand the pain around feeling like your son hates you and will that last forever. I felt similarly about my son and sometimes still do. Our relationship is not good and it is very painful. I would recommend therapy for you... I know for me it has been an immense help to get therapy to help me let go and also to help me figure out how to handle things and to let go. One of the reason my son "hates" me is I was the one who made the rules and followed through and he feels like I am really controlling. Now that he is in rehab we are making some progress in our relationship... he has told us that a lot of his resentment is due to the fact that as a younger teen we needed to know parents would be around when he was hanging out with friends etc. He was stuck because he couldn't go to parties and such because he knew parents wouldn't be home and if I called it would ruin it... well yeah that is kind of the point. Anyway there are sometimes signs that he does love me.... definitely signs he depends on me and you have to take those when they come. I got to the point (with the help of therapy) where I realized it doesn't matter if he hates me, I still love him and want him to succeed and be safe. I can live with him hating me if he is happy and successful in life..... and the reality is if he gets to that point he probably won't hate me anymore. Hang in there and know that you are not alone.

 

[DammitJanet]

Hi...welcome.

There is an old adage that says that you are put here on earth to be your child's parent, not his friend. He can find friends but he only had one mother and one father. Parents are responsible for getting the kids grown into responsible adults to the best of their abilities. Sometimes the kids just resist our abilities. I know one of mine has certainly resisted everything I have tried to teach him. I hope that at some point it will sink in.

When my boys were teens and complaining that I was ruining their lives by being strict or not letting them do some idiotic, lame brained scheme of the moment, I simply told them to remember this because I must be doing my job and if it really upset them so much they could complain about it later on in life when they needed therapy because I was such a horrible mother. So far none of them are in therapy...lol.

 

[Nancy]

You are definitely in good company here. I also have a difficult child who hates me. She spent 60 days in rehab this past summer and five weeks in outpaitent. She has since relapsed. We have kicked her out of our house but she is currently back in trying to abide by our rules until she can earn enough money to pay for the repairs on her car and get an apartment. Sometimes I am so sad because she seems to not care about us at all and it would be very easy for her to walk away and never see us again. I wish I could get to that point but so far I haven't been able to. I have gone to al-anon meetings but still find myself wanting her to change even though in my heart I know she won't.

I don't want to be discouraging but you should have a plan for what you will do if living with his grandparents doesn't work. I doubt whether he is going to stop doing drugs without help and he may be looking at this move as a way to do what he wants without interference. I know no matter where my difficult child would go she would act the same. It isn't us she hates, it's anyone who makes her follow rules.

Nancy

 

[BusynMember]

I agree with Nancy. Unless kids want to stop doing drugs and only keep it up because the druggie peers they fell in with are pushing them, they w ill take drugs no matter where they go to school or even if they are homeschooled. My daughter was homeschooled her last two years and it didn't stop her drug use. She stopped when she got tired of herself and wanted to stop. We did have to make her leave. That's when she straightened out.