New here and so tired

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by missyk33, Nov 28, 2008.

  1. missyk33

    missyk33 New Member

    I have a 14 yo daughter that was diagnosed with ODD in October and it has been a real struggle for the past 14 years. Reading everything that I have and looking back on her as a child, she has always been strong willed. She started at about 6 months walking and has not stopped. Her terrible 2's started at 18 months and she still has them. She believes that she is always right and she never starts anything and that we are all against her. It actually feels good to know that I am not the only one going through this and I am not crazy. I have heard from so many people that I am the reason for this and that she should be in church and she would not be like this and that I just need to whip her XXX and that would take care of her behavior. No one outside of my immediate family knows exactly what we go through on a daily basis and they dont believe us till they take her for a little bit. My mom kept her for a few months to get here calmed down as she really didnt know what it was like and now she does.
  2. Nancy423

    Nancy423 do I have to be the mom?

    Hi and Welcome! Glad you found us. My difficult child is 11 (pre teen UGH) and her terrible 2s started at birth and really haven't ended LOL. I just smile and nod at everyone who doesn't have first hand experience with- my difficult child. (They're all talking out of the :censored2: anyway) Then complain about their "expert advice" later.

    Stick around, this place is wonderful
  3. lillians

    lillians lillians

    hi i am also new here,,and so,so weary,, our daughter is 16,,and wearing the hide off of usdiagnosed at birth with multiple disoders,,,will say more as i get used to the idea!1 hang in there i think--lol
  4. tbone

    tbone tough luv is tough

    Please read my post SCARED AND TIRED and let me know if I can be any help.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there.
    Have you ever had her completely evaluated by a neuropsychologist? ODD rarely stands alone, and I'm betting there is more stuff going on than that. You may want to do a signature like I did below. I have some questions. They will help us help you.

    1/Who evaluated her?
    2/Are there any psychiatric problems or substance abuse on either side of the family tree? These can be hereditary (substance abuse usually meaning there is an undiagnosed mood disorder that is being self-medicated). Does she have trouble sleeping? Nightmares? Think people are in the room with her when nobody is there? Complain of hearing voices that are not there?
    3/How was her very early development? Did she make good eye contact as a baby and toddler? Did she speak on time? How were her fine and gross motor skills? Could she then (and can she now) interact appropriately with her peers? Does she know how to have a give-and-take conversation? Any obsessions or quirks? Rigid behavior? Inability to transition from one thing to another? How does she do academically? Do you live in the US? There are very different channels you must navigate in different countries.
    4/Are you sure she isn't using recreational drugs or drinking?

    Others will come along :)
  6. missyk33

    missyk33 New Member

    When she was hospitalized they did a complete psychiatric evaluation on her. She does have an older brother that has ADHD and an older sister that was hospitalized. Her diagnosis was multiple personality disorder but it came out later that she made that up to make them work. She has cut herself before. She also has trouble sleeping. I feel she is also depressed but they didnt give her anything. She was talking at an early age around 5 months old. She cried constantly and we went through many babysitters as they could not handle her crying constantly. I dont think that she is using drugs or drinking now. I now she has tried them but I dont know for sure she is using any. I wouldn't doubt it. She has always had trouble keeping friends and it really breaks my heart. She is very outgoing but the children cant understand why she keeps getting in trouble and losing priveleges. She will work to try to get them back and when she does she does something to get it taken away again.
  7. Jena

    Jena New Member

    I'm jumping in to welcome you as well!! :)

    You should add a signature in at the bottom of your page, like we have so we can get to know you better. :)

    Welcome again and it's a bit slow tongiht due to black friday yet it'll busy again tomorrow i'm sure.
  8. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Hi and welcome. In some ways, your daughter sounds a lot like mine. Like you, I was constantly taking away privileges. All this really succeeded in doing was making her feel more of an outcast with her peers; having her feel that she had no chance to ever get out of the hole and, therefore, she may as well do as she likes since that's the only way she will get to do anything; worst of all, it killed her self-esteem. So, I would suggest that if at all possible, find a way to give her consequences that don't take everything away from her. It took me awhile but I did find that natural consequences were far more effective for her than grounding, etc. That is, you don't do your homework, you get to stay after school with a tutor until you're caught up; you refuse to do your chores, you stay in your room until you're ready to do them; you sneak out, you get an alarm on your door and window; etc. This way, the burden really was on her. If she chose to not do what was expected, she lost precious free time but she wasn't grounded and she was allowed to have a life. It really did make a difference.

    You do, however, have an added factor with the drug risk. I wouldn't be wondering. I'd be getting drug kits and having her do random tests. Also, if she's doing drugs, the odds are she's having sex as well. I would get her in to have her tested for STDs and do it on a monthly basis until you're sure she's clean and stayng clean. I'd also be sure someone gave her very graphic details of what can happen if she is sexually active.

    You've found a good group here. I hope we can give you some comfort and help.
  9. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Just wanted to welcome you and say that you have gotten great advice. Natural consequences are a great motivator for many of our kids. I don't have much to add, but welcome. This is a good place that has helped me a lot.
  10. 627666

    627666 New Member

    Welcome from me, as well! You will soon realize you are not alone and you will continue to receive great advice from many wise parents on this site. I am relatively new and find great comfort in the stories many people have already shared with me.

    MeowBunny, once again one of your posts inspired me to write. I agree that too many restrictions and "punishments" make these kiddos feel like they can never climb out of the hole. Love & Logic helped my husband and I learn more about natural consequences, like the ones you referred to, and I strongly recommend this book for alternate ideas. I believe I have gone off track with my own difficult child, who is almost 12, by constantly riding his case and using techniques his behavioral therapist recommended. My son feels like he can never win so he does what he wants to. He feels people have already judged him so he gives up easily. We have to work hard to point out the positive behavior and improve his self-esteem.

    Hang in there, Mom! We are happy to have you.

  11. Ropefree

    Ropefree Banned

    missyk33...the hit the kid thing is so wrong in so many ways. I do say it is the inexplicable behavor of adults that is my biggest challenge as a parent.
    Hopefully you do find a behavor plan that is a fit and that you can give the consistancy and time to patiently pattern more satisfying interactions for your girl.
    The self awareness that children carry is so often an assumption that they are unable to gain skill they do need. Have to catch them being good. Build on their
    learning because they are learning...the question becomes what are they learning and how to use that to catch them on the road to success.
  12. Jena

    Jena New Member

    Good morning,

    I think you had possibly started another thread and i responded on that one. i'm not sure.

    Anyhow, why did they not give her anything for the depression, a medication that is? I would think lifting the depression would be the first thing. Depression can come in so many different forms when they are children/teenagers i've come to personally learn.

    I can see your level of frustration, and it sounds like it's been a very long rough road for all of you, and it's time you got some support and some answers.

    Is she currently seeing a therapist/pyshdoc?

  13. Jena

    Jena New Member

    oh and by the way i too have been blamed "oh it's your fault" in regards to my own child's behaviors. I think alot of us have gone through phases where we as parents were judged for our children's actions and/or behaviors. Yet when I got a fairly clearcut diagnosis with the help of everyone here those individuals got very quiet.

    We do the best we can as parents.
  14. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Hi Missy, welcome.
    Your daughter sounds like she is highly intelligent. Talking and walking so early ... there's a lot going on in that head of hers. Is there a way you can find things to challenge her academically? Does she stay in school?
    I can commiserate with-the defiance and the know-it-all attitude. been there done that!
    You've gotten some good ideas here already. Stick around! We can help ea other on a daily basis.
  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I would be thinking "Mood disorder." Seems she was always depressed, even as a baby. It happens, I was the same way and I have a form of bipolar.