New here, at wits' end

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Futurama91, Jun 1, 2008.

  1. Futurama91

    Futurama91 New Member

    I came online tonight looking for more info about ODD because my daughter has it and it has been a long day. She's 8 years old and also has PTSD and panic attacks. Her biggest problem, though, is the ODD.

    She's just abusive and mean. I don't really understand why she's this way. I have another daughter who is nice.

    I left her dad when she was about 6 months old because he was violent and mean. Now, years later, I hear some of the same phrases coming out of her mouth. It's horrible.

    I managed to raise a nice kid, so I don't feel that it's totally my fault. She's just wired differently than my nice daughter and me are.

    Both of my kids are in a program to help them get counselling and learn to interact appropriately with other kids. (My other daughter has epilepsy, depression, and possibly Aspergers or Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)-not otherwise specified.) The thing is, my daughter respects their authority. She's nice to her counselors. She just treats me and people in our family like garbage.

    If a man treated me this way, I'd get a retraining order. In fact I did. But I am just at my wits' end with my daughter.

    Tonight she was beating her sister as I as we tried to watch a movie and saying awful things to us, and I got so upset that I needed to get away from her and take a time out or I thought I was going to fight back. She won't give me any space, though. She seems to enjoy causing me stress.

    Thank you for letting me vent. Can anyone recommend any good reading about this?

    FYI, her sister and I have epilepsy and I have PTSD.
  2. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Sounds like your difficult child got her daddy's genes :(

    I haven't had to deal with an ODD diagnosis, although my kids all are defiant and oppositional at times. What works most of the time for me is establishing very crystal clear rules/boundaries and very crystal clear consequences for violating those rules/boundaries and being excruciatingly consistent in doling out the consequence each. and. every. time. I think that kids who are "good" outside the home (school, doctor's office) and "horrible" at home are that way because they are in a structured environment where they know exactly how far they can go -- plus, they probably have a little bit of fear of the unknown in them to not try to push boundaries. Home is familiar, and familiarity breeds contempt (sometimes).

    If you are a single parent, dealing with these kids with multiple health issues has got to be very taxing on you, which in my experience makes it very hard to have the energy to be firm and consistent all the time. It's exhausting! And so maybe your difficult child has found a kink in your parental armor and is leveraging everything she's got because she's discovered she can. But then again, I don't know much about ODD per se, and I don't know your history.

    It might be helpful if you go to the UserCP button on this site and create a signature that has all that relevant info people will naturally want to know. It will help tailor their responses accordingly.

    You might also ask the counselor your difficult child is seeing about reading material...

    Welcome to the board!
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there.
    ODD is really more of a description of behavior than a diagnosis. ODD rarely ever stands alone. The cause of the ODD is the main deal and it needs to be treated. If your ex beat you, he obviously has mental health problems. Did he abuse substances? Is it possible that he had bipolar disorder? If so, it is highly possible that your child is suffering from a childhood mood disorder rather than stand alone ODD. If so, no, it's not your fault, it's genetic, but she'd need medication to stabilize herself and be happier and safer around your other daughter. Also autistic spectrum disorder is very hereditary too. Not all Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) present the same way. If you have one child on the spectrum, you have a 1 in 20 chance of another child having it--obviously something is very wrong and you need to get to the bottom of it. If I were you, and this were my kid, I'd take her for a complete neuropsychologist evaluation. They are much different than other testing and far more intensive--usually a neuropsychologist can catch what others miss because of the intensity of the testing plus the length of it (My son was tested for ten hours). I highly recommend further evaluation, considering the history on father's side of the family tree. These kids display high ODD behaviors, but that isn't the underlying problem. Whatever you decide, I wish you good luck. This is a nice place.
  4. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi Futura!

    Welcome to the site.

    Is the PTSD diagnosis'd in your daughter from when she was 6 months old and her father lived there or something else? Who diagnosis'd your daughter with PTSD? I agree with MMW above in that I believe your daughter needs a complete neuropsychologist evaluation.

    Understand that your daughter and my son can be diagnosis'd with the exact same thing and share totally different manifestations of those diagnosis's. No two kids act the same. They also could very well take different medications because medications are different with each child. You can't compare how your children act, with the same or different diagnosis. It is not fair to the children.

    You asked for a good read. We, on the board, highly recommend Ross Greenes' book "The Explosive Child" to almost every newbie!

    Glad you stumbled across us here. Find a way to get your daughter in for some full testing soon. The sooner you find out what you are really dealing with, the better the family life will become because you can begin treatment.

  5. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    HUGS! It is hard to be abused by your own child. Heartbreaking, really.

    I agree that a full neuropsychologist evaluation is in order. You can not let her grow up and realize she tortured her family when she was 8. Imagine how that would feel?
  6. KarenB

    KarenB New Member

    Hugs from here too! I'm glad you found this messgae board. There are many experienced parents here who give wonderful advice and support. I'm new as well. Hang in there, mom!
  7. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Welcome! I'm glad you found us.

    Sorry for all the questions, but your answers will help us help you.

    What kind of doctor diagnosed your daughter with PTSD and panic attacks?
    Is she taking any medications? If so, what?
    Has she been evaluated for seizures?
    Has she been evaluated for Autistic Spectrum Disorder?
    How does she do in school, both academically and with peers?

    Very often, the irritability, anger and downright meanness are maladaptive coping mechanisms and strong indications that the underlying disorder is not being treated fully. When the underlying disorder is identified and treated appropriately, the child begins to feel and function better.

    When you get a chance, please create a signature similar to mine below so we can remember your family and situation. For instructions on creating a signature, please click on this link:

    Again, welcome.
  8. Futurama91

    Futurama91 New Member

    Yes. Their dad has substance abuse problems and other psychiatric problems. That was a big part of why I left, too. He was prescribed something for regulating his moods because, according to him, doing a lot of meth ruins your ability to do that. He refused to take it, though, and said that he was instead medicating himself with marijuana. He just was not willing to get clean and sober. His mom and his brother take medications for that as well, so it runs in his family.

    How do I get my daughter a neuro-psychiatric evaluation? Do I tell her counselor that I feel that there's more going on here? Do I ask the pediatrician? Any help would be appreciated.

    I completely agree that the behavior is the symptom, not the problem.

    She has a lot of anxiety. I mean, a lot. She's afraid one of us will have a seizure, afraid to be alone in a room at all, afraid of other things. That's why she has panic attacks.
  9. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Is she on any medications?

    Your ex figured out he needed something to make him feel better - unfortunately, he took the illegal route.

    If your difficult child can get help by using medications, behavior therapy, etc - she deserves it.

    It is hard to really get your head around the concept of her not being able to help the way she acts. It does feel so deliberate.

    Contact her physician and ask for a referral to a multidisciplinary evaluation at your local children's hospital. This will be a team of different types of doctors. Here is a link to a description.
  10. Futurama91

    Futurama91 New Member

    I have that book on my desk.

    She was diagnosis'd by her counselor and I can't recall what that lady's credential's are. Psychotherapist? My daughter's PTSD is definitely in part from witnessing her sister's seizures and mine. She is worried, all the time, that we'll have another one. We both have small ones, where we don't lose consciousness and it's not an emergency, and big ones. Even if one of us has a little one, she gets very upset and has a panic attack.

    Then there's my creepy neighbor. The guy in the next apartment has tried to get into our apartment and has done other scary things. She's afraid of that and other things. It hasn't happened in a long time, though, because I sent the cops over there and I got a dog.

    I have a high level of anxiety as well, so does my mom, so did my grandma. I guess she got that from me. My poor kids.:dissapointed:
  11. Sapphiregem_99

    Sapphiregem_99 New Member

    I'm new here as well and really glad to see I'm not alone. I have a 10 y/o daughter who is just been diagnosis as ODD. I feel like a total failure as a mom and am quite depressed although I try to hide it. I have just ordered that book "The explosive child" in the hopes of getting some parenting tips. I've been seeing a counselor for the last 6 months who finally referred me to the Childrens Mental Health Access Centre in my city. Knowing I'm not crazy and that there is something different about my difficult child is somewhat a relief but also a great burden. Am I strong enough to help her throigh it? I don't know. I hope to get some support and tips from this site as my hope level is pretty low.
  12. saphire4love

    saphire4love New Member

    I am new here. My daughter is 8 and has been diagnosed with a severe ADHD with ODD I am at my wits end on how to deal with all this she is on medications for the ADHD which is doing wonders for her but the ODD is still there and I just dont know what to do. Her biological father was abusive (to me) and she seen that the first 4 years of her life. I have not been with him for years now but I am now married to a wonderful man who loves and adores both me and my children and we are running out of ways to deal with the ODD at home can some one please give me some ideas on things to do I am to the point where I feel lost and feel like my hands are tied she is recieving help for this but it just does not seem to be enough.
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Why don't the two new posters start your own threads? It's easier for us that way. Welcome to the board :D
  14. Josie

    Josie Active Member

    FWIW, my daughter used to be defiant, mean, and abusive. For her, she had a food allergy problem with gluten and casein. When she is on the girlfriend/CF diet, she is a different child.

    Personally, I had undx'ed anxiety, depression, and OCDish thoughts until I went on the girlfriend diet.

    It might be worth looking into. I am mentioning it to you because of the epilepsy. There is a link between epilepsy and celiac disease (gluten intolerance) so that makes it a little more likely that this diet would help your family, I think.
  15. humbleyourheart

    humbleyourheart New Member

    What is the girlfriend/CF diet?
  16. wheretoturn

    wheretoturn wheretoturn

    I, too am the parent of a 10 year old with ODD. He is currently taking a new drug called Vyanse but unfortunately, is still so incredibly hard to deal with. Took him back to the dr this week and he put him on Clonidine every night to help him get some sleep and to help in the mornings when the Vyanse as worn off. I feel terrible most of the time, like I'm not doing something right. I've read self help books and I feel like I'm getting nowhere fast. Today he told me the he hates me and that he wished I'd never been born because I don't do anything but screw his life up.
    How is a mom supposed to feel when her son says things like that to her?
  17. Josie

    Josie Active Member

    The girlfriend/CF diet is not eating anything with gluten (wheat, rye, oats, barley) or casein (milk).