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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 627543" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Welcome Highpockets. I'm glad you found us.</p><p></p><p>Your daughter sounds very much like many of our kids, entitled, manipulative, lazy, takes no responsibility, insists on others doing for them what they should be doing for themselves, has no initiative, has a failure to launch and is rude and disrespectful. </p><p></p><p>Unfortunately you have enabled her, but at 18, now it is up to her. Most of us here get to a point where we have to change the situation, for our benefit, once we become aware that our enabling has not helped, mattered, or changed anything and has in fact, made matters worse. All we can change is the way we respond to the demands made by our adult kids. And, the first place to start is NO. The second is NO. The third is NO. There is no reason why you have to do <u>anything</u> for an adult woman who is lazy and irresponsible and rude. You are allowing yourself to be held hostage by the behavior of a spoiled toddler in a grown woman's body.</p><p></p><p>You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. For many of us it represents the path out of the relentless struggles our kids pose for us. It gives us our power back and allows us to focus on ourselves and return to our own lives seeking our own satisfaction, joy and peace. </p><p></p><p>We've been in your shoes and it feels helpless and powerless, it feels bad and often it's hard to see a way out. But there is a way out and it's really all on you because your daughter won't make any changes because the life she is leading is easy, she has no responsibilities or really, any reason to change. But you do. And you can. </p><p></p><p>You may want to read <u>Codependent no more</u> by Melodie Beattie. It's helpful to see that we can change our responses and thereby alter the circumstances. Start to think about what YOU want and need. Think about how YOU want the household to run and what your expectations are. And, make that clear. Give your daughter a date to begin work, or school or whatever it is you feel is appropriate and when that date comes, all financial aid from you, ends. Let her know that. She is expected to do chores, buy her own toiletries, clothes, all of it. If you pay for a cell phone and WiFi stop it. Stop all financial care for her. If she lives in your home she is expected to make a contribution, if she doesn't, then she needs to find a different place to live. This all may sound harsh, but it is realistic and if she is not in school, then she needs to work. That is real life. That is reality. Anything less then that is allowing her to get a free ride she doesn't in any way deserve. </p><p></p><p>The way for you to get out from under is to set strict boundaries around her behavior and to uphold them, no matter what.</p><p></p><p>That will be a difficult transition for you which is why most of us seek professional help or support groups or 12 step groups. CoDa is a good one. It's hard to break those patterns but it is not impossible. You will need a commitment, you will need strength, support, courage and a strong resolve to change this situation. If you read our stories here, you will see we are all in various stages of detachment.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>It is never too late to break the pattern and the sooner you do it, the better it will be. It is not easy, but it is doable. Keep posting here, it helps us to write our story and to get empathy, understanding, strength and to learn tools to master so that we can stop enabling our adult kids and begin the journey back to our own lives. </p><p></p><p>You're in a rut, you've both learned a script which you enact in each situation. If one of you changes your part in the script,the other has no choice but to change. Your daughter will not be changing any time soon, you really need to get that, otherwise you will wait around for another year or five or even ten waiting for her to change. Forget it. She won't. You have to change. In doing that you send the message that you believe she is equipped enough to figure out her own life. Enabling her sends the message that she isn't equipped. </p><p></p><p>It will be hard on you and on her, but that is the way out. The alternative is you continue down the road you're on and expect different results. That will not happen without you changing the script. And when you do? Be prepared for her to up the ante, to be outrageously angry and manipulative. She will pull out all the stops in order to get you to go back to the way it was. That is when you will need to hold the line and not give in. Otherwise, your word will cease to mean anything. So, if you are going to endeavor down the path of detachment, you will need to get your ducks on order and pull up your strength. </p><p></p><p>We are here to help support you. Many of us have been in your shoes and will come forth to offer you a hand, a hug and a guiding light through the forrest, until you get to the clearing............which, if you have the commitment to change, you WILL do. Wishing you peace. Keep posting. I'm glad you're here.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 627543, member: 13542"] Welcome Highpockets. I'm glad you found us. Your daughter sounds very much like many of our kids, entitled, manipulative, lazy, takes no responsibility, insists on others doing for them what they should be doing for themselves, has no initiative, has a failure to launch and is rude and disrespectful. Unfortunately you have enabled her, but at 18, now it is up to her. Most of us here get to a point where we have to change the situation, for our benefit, once we become aware that our enabling has not helped, mattered, or changed anything and has in fact, made matters worse. All we can change is the way we respond to the demands made by our adult kids. And, the first place to start is NO. The second is NO. The third is NO. There is no reason why you have to do [U]anything[/U] for an adult woman who is lazy and irresponsible and rude. You are allowing yourself to be held hostage by the behavior of a spoiled toddler in a grown woman's body. You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. For many of us it represents the path out of the relentless struggles our kids pose for us. It gives us our power back and allows us to focus on ourselves and return to our own lives seeking our own satisfaction, joy and peace. We've been in your shoes and it feels helpless and powerless, it feels bad and often it's hard to see a way out. But there is a way out and it's really all on you because your daughter won't make any changes because the life she is leading is easy, she has no responsibilities or really, any reason to change. But you do. And you can. You may want to read [U]Codependent no more[/U] by Melodie Beattie. It's helpful to see that we can change our responses and thereby alter the circumstances. Start to think about what YOU want and need. Think about how YOU want the household to run and what your expectations are. And, make that clear. Give your daughter a date to begin work, or school or whatever it is you feel is appropriate and when that date comes, all financial aid from you, ends. Let her know that. She is expected to do chores, buy her own toiletries, clothes, all of it. If you pay for a cell phone and WiFi stop it. Stop all financial care for her. If she lives in your home she is expected to make a contribution, if she doesn't, then she needs to find a different place to live. This all may sound harsh, but it is realistic and if she is not in school, then she needs to work. That is real life. That is reality. Anything less then that is allowing her to get a free ride she doesn't in any way deserve. The way for you to get out from under is to set strict boundaries around her behavior and to uphold them, no matter what. That will be a difficult transition for you which is why most of us seek professional help or support groups or 12 step groups. CoDa is a good one. It's hard to break those patterns but it is not impossible. You will need a commitment, you will need strength, support, courage and a strong resolve to change this situation. If you read our stories here, you will see we are all in various stages of detachment. It is never too late to break the pattern and the sooner you do it, the better it will be. It is not easy, but it is doable. Keep posting here, it helps us to write our story and to get empathy, understanding, strength and to learn tools to master so that we can stop enabling our adult kids and begin the journey back to our own lives. You're in a rut, you've both learned a script which you enact in each situation. If one of you changes your part in the script,the other has no choice but to change. Your daughter will not be changing any time soon, you really need to get that, otherwise you will wait around for another year or five or even ten waiting for her to change. Forget it. She won't. You have to change. In doing that you send the message that you believe she is equipped enough to figure out her own life. Enabling her sends the message that she isn't equipped. It will be hard on you and on her, but that is the way out. The alternative is you continue down the road you're on and expect different results. That will not happen without you changing the script. And when you do? Be prepared for her to up the ante, to be outrageously angry and manipulative. She will pull out all the stops in order to get you to go back to the way it was. That is when you will need to hold the line and not give in. Otherwise, your word will cease to mean anything. So, if you are going to endeavor down the path of detachment, you will need to get your ducks on order and pull up your strength. We are here to help support you. Many of us have been in your shoes and will come forth to offer you a hand, a hug and a guiding light through the forrest, until you get to the clearing............which, if you have the commitment to change, you WILL do. Wishing you peace. Keep posting. I'm glad you're here. [/QUOTE]
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