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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 627570" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Welcome highpockets, and we get you and the situation. I have empathy for you and I'm so glad to read between the lines that you are really ready for something to change here. That is a very good day for you---being ready. Now the hard work begins. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Like RE said above, it is never too late to change. If you were 80 and she was 60, and this were still going on (god forbid, but if you don't stop it, that IS what will happen), it still would not be too late to change. But that is completely up to you. You can start the change NOW. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I am sure she is. My difficult child is a handsome young man with tons of intellect, abilities and potential, but because of his drug addiction, he is deciding to live a life that does not take advantage of all of the many gifts he has been given by God and by his family. </p><p></p><p>He can be super-nice, sweet, hug me and say I love you. And he can also pound on my door in the middle of the night after being asked not to and then tell me to F___ Y___ when I drop him off at an all-night laundromat at 3 a.m. within 15 minutes of that door-pounding. I mean what I say now. I didn't used to mean what I say, and I taught him that if he just kept on and on and on, I would cave. Not anymore. And believe me, even though I have been behaving consistently with my boundaries for the past 2+ years, he still doesn't like it, and thus the F____ Y___. I used to get all excited and upset and stupid when he said things like that but not anymore. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Of course you have. We all have, and we all still do at times. I'm glad you are kind of mad at yourself about that, though, because that means you know it doesn't work and you are ready for change. We do what we do until we learn to do something different. That's where the hard work begins---learning to do something different. We are ready to learn when we are completely sick and tired of our current situation and we finally see it is going NOWHERE and we are practically insane with it all. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Oh really? She can't get up? You know and I know that she is choosing not to get up. My son did that all through high school. I was so stupid I bought two more alarm clocks and would actually---now get this---actually help him set them up so they would go off consecutively within a few minutes of each other, because....he just couldn't get up. The whole wide rest of the entire world finds a way to get up every morning but not him. "I just can't hear the alarm clock, Mom. I don't know what is wrong with me, but I can't." I look back at all of the enabling I did and I have some compassion for myself but I also want to shake that silly mother me who kept on and on trying to live someone else's life for them and make everything just peachy keen because they seemed unable to do the very basic things for themselves like do homework, turn in homework, get up in the morning, etc. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>YOU are her miracle. You have been her miracle. That is what you have to stop, and get out of the way, so she has a chance to grow up. That means fall down, get back up and take the consequences of her decisions. That is becoming an adult and it is a process that every adult-to-be has to go through. We have to stand back, stand down, move out of the way and make space for it to happen. That is the highest and greatest love we can offer our grown children. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>She may be depressed, but she is STILL accountable for her behavior and her actions. Any therapist will tell you this truth. We are always accountable for what we do, unless we are truly and completely incapacitated. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>And she will, bet on that. She will not like her life being her responsibility and Dear Old Mom not jumping up and handling everything. So get ready for the firestorm. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This is a write-me-down. This is the absolute truth. And standing back and watching our kids go through the things that some of them go through is absolutely the hardest thing we will ever do in our whole lives, I believe. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Amen! No. No. No. No. No. These are the best gifts you can start offering your difficult child.</p><p></p><p>So we have talked about WHAT to do, but not HOW to do it. This is very hard stuff to learn, and you will have to start the learning process like you were taking a college course. Study, practice, homework, mistakes, learning from those, being tutored, asking for help. You won't do it perfectly so don't even start off expecting that of yourself. That is okay. We are human beings. We are not perfection machines.</p><p></p><p>Warm hugs to you. Your daughter needs to start growing up. It's up to you to make the path clear so she can.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 627570, member: 17542"] Welcome highpockets, and we get you and the situation. I have empathy for you and I'm so glad to read between the lines that you are really ready for something to change here. That is a very good day for you---being ready. Now the hard work begins. Like RE said above, it is never too late to change. If you were 80 and she was 60, and this were still going on (god forbid, but if you don't stop it, that IS what will happen), it still would not be too late to change. But that is completely up to you. You can start the change NOW. I am sure she is. My difficult child is a handsome young man with tons of intellect, abilities and potential, but because of his drug addiction, he is deciding to live a life that does not take advantage of all of the many gifts he has been given by God and by his family. He can be super-nice, sweet, hug me and say I love you. And he can also pound on my door in the middle of the night after being asked not to and then tell me to F___ Y___ when I drop him off at an all-night laundromat at 3 a.m. within 15 minutes of that door-pounding. I mean what I say now. I didn't used to mean what I say, and I taught him that if he just kept on and on and on, I would cave. Not anymore. And believe me, even though I have been behaving consistently with my boundaries for the past 2+ years, he still doesn't like it, and thus the F____ Y___. I used to get all excited and upset and stupid when he said things like that but not anymore. Of course you have. We all have, and we all still do at times. I'm glad you are kind of mad at yourself about that, though, because that means you know it doesn't work and you are ready for change. We do what we do until we learn to do something different. That's where the hard work begins---learning to do something different. We are ready to learn when we are completely sick and tired of our current situation and we finally see it is going NOWHERE and we are practically insane with it all. Oh really? She can't get up? You know and I know that she is choosing not to get up. My son did that all through high school. I was so stupid I bought two more alarm clocks and would actually---now get this---actually help him set them up so they would go off consecutively within a few minutes of each other, because....he just couldn't get up. The whole wide rest of the entire world finds a way to get up every morning but not him. "I just can't hear the alarm clock, Mom. I don't know what is wrong with me, but I can't." I look back at all of the enabling I did and I have some compassion for myself but I also want to shake that silly mother me who kept on and on trying to live someone else's life for them and make everything just peachy keen because they seemed unable to do the very basic things for themselves like do homework, turn in homework, get up in the morning, etc. YOU are her miracle. You have been her miracle. That is what you have to stop, and get out of the way, so she has a chance to grow up. That means fall down, get back up and take the consequences of her decisions. That is becoming an adult and it is a process that every adult-to-be has to go through. We have to stand back, stand down, move out of the way and make space for it to happen. That is the highest and greatest love we can offer our grown children. She may be depressed, but she is STILL accountable for her behavior and her actions. Any therapist will tell you this truth. We are always accountable for what we do, unless we are truly and completely incapacitated. And she will, bet on that. She will not like her life being her responsibility and Dear Old Mom not jumping up and handling everything. So get ready for the firestorm. This is a write-me-down. This is the absolute truth. And standing back and watching our kids go through the things that some of them go through is absolutely the hardest thing we will ever do in our whole lives, I believe. Amen! No. No. No. No. No. These are the best gifts you can start offering your difficult child. So we have talked about WHAT to do, but not HOW to do it. This is very hard stuff to learn, and you will have to start the learning process like you were taking a college course. Study, practice, homework, mistakes, learning from those, being tutored, asking for help. You won't do it perfectly so don't even start off expecting that of yourself. That is okay. We are human beings. We are not perfection machines. Warm hugs to you. Your daughter needs to start growing up. It's up to you to make the path clear so she can. [/QUOTE]
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