Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
New here - daughter problems
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 627730" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>You sound like me when all this started for us, Highpockets. I would look at the situation as it existed and blame myself for it. </p><p></p><p>I was the mom. </p><p></p><p>This was not helpful to my children.</p><p></p><p>Those of us who responded before I did gave excellent advice. I would add that the changes you want to see in your daughter's life will not happen until <em>you stop taking responsibility for what she chooses to do.</em> </p><p></p><p>AlAnon will be an excellent resource for you. You are not the only parent in this predicament. It is important for you to know that, in person, with other parents. The alcohol part doesn't matter for you. Meeting with other parents who are putting their own lives and priorities back in order ~ that is what will matter for you, I think.</p><p></p><p>As for what will happen when you go home, Highpockets...what would you like to happen?</p><p></p><p>Whatever does happen today when she gets home? Keep your focus on what should have happened. Keep your focus on the best possible outcome. </p><p></p><p>It isn't only about what we got. It is about what we needed and did not get.</p><p></p><p>The battle is won in our thoughts, in what we teach ourselves is acceptable, and in what we teach ourselves (and our children) is no longer acceptable. Change is hard. This is going to take time, and it is going to be battle after battle. But if you do not tackle the situation head on, the situation will not change.</p><p></p><p>That part is up to you.</p><p></p><p>What would you like to see happen for your child?</p><p></p><p>Work toward that.</p><p></p><p>I wouldn't call the police today, but I would verbally stand up to my child, for sure. If there is a tantrum, definitely tape it. That was an excellent idea. Maybe your child does not realize what her behavior looks and sounds like. Film her sleeping past the agreed upon time. Film her acting like a jerk when you attempt to wake her. </p><p></p><p>Film the messy bathroom.</p><p></p><p>Though you could show this to your child? The value in taping these things is for you. It really is as bad as you think it is. The videos will help you be strong enough to change your situation.</p><p></p><p>This thinking helped me in regards to my son: He was in his mid-twenties at the time. He had moved home. We knew he was using drugs, but had not yet acknowledged the extent of their influence. Anyway, someone here posted about 19 year old soldiers stationed in other countries. 19 year olds who did not have the option of complaining to their mothers about how tough it was, about how scared they were, about how the world was very unfair.</p><p></p><p>All at once, I saw my son as the adult he was. and I was able to change the way I thought about and interacted with him. I got a little tougher. He hated that. He hated this site. But over a short time, he found work (online) found an apartment (online) and moved out.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>As the addiction that would take him over got its hooks into him, he moved back home three or four more times, Highpockets. I had to get stronger, tougher. This site helped me to see what was really happening. The other parents here helped me know that all the kindness and mother love in the world would not help an addicted child.</p><p></p><p>I had to be tough enough to face the problem and deal with it.</p><p></p><p>I am still learning how to do that.</p><p></p><p>It is very hard.</p><p></p><p>But I am doing it.</p><p></p><p>****</p><p></p><p>Another thing I would do is tell my child that, just as I had allowed the power swing into her court...for her own good, for her own growth, for the sake of her own independence, I was taking it back.</p><p></p><p>Today.</p><p></p><p>Right now.</p><p></p><p>If you aren't sure how to think about that, post and one of us who has been right where you are now will respond. This site is a wonderful place for that very reason. Some one of us will have been through exactly what is happening to you, and to your child.</p><p></p><p>You could: Buy a posterboard from WalMart, title it difficult child's Independence Plan, and tape it to the front of the fridge. With difficult child (assuming she is cooperating) list what needs to happen this week. </p><p>The purpose is actually just basic communication. difficult child does not have to know that. You want to list things like:</p><p></p><p>Online Job Applications</p><p>In person job application pick ups / completions</p><p>Online Driver's Ed course</p><p>GED prep or online classes toward diploma</p><p></p><p>difficult child is to list completions on the posterboard.</p><p></p><p>She needs to take responsibility for it, not you. </p><p></p><p>It is a practice, Highpockets. You should make it clear to difficult child that you intend to change things. That if she cannot do what you require, then <em>for her own good</em> she will be moving out.</p><p></p><p>When difficult child roars about where it is you expect her to go, you can respond: "I don't know, yet. I'm thinking about it. There are lots of ways to change our situation, and for your own good, I am committed to changing our situation. Where do you think you could go?"</p><p></p><p>You will get better as you begin thinking differently about the nature of your responsibilities to your child at this point in her life.</p><p></p><p>This is a seven day plan.</p><p></p><p>Next Sunday night, review it. If difficult child has completed the Driver's Ed class, researched and begun preparations for the GED or the diploma, and made ten applications, fine. During this week though, whatever difficult child does, you will be creating a posterboard for yourself. </p><p></p><p>What are you going to do when difficult child refuses to do what you told her to do? That is what goes on your posterboard.</p><p></p><p>There are a million ways to create change, Highpockets. That is what you need to learn. You need to learn what it is that you want for your daughter in the rest of her life, and you need to learn how to get her started. </p><p></p><p>It doesn't have to be that she moves out. Or maybe it does. Is there is a grandparent or a sister or brother who could take her for a time? </p><p> </p><p>Again, if you don't know how to begin, what to do if difficult child simply refuses to participate, post here.</p><p></p><p>Some one will help you think through it.</p><p></p><p>Read the suggested books, Highpockets. Or, for a crash course, search through YouTube videos of these materials. </p><p></p><p>****</p><p></p><p>For me, detachment turned out to be not about detaching from the kids so much as it was about detaching from that screwy sense of compassion, of mommy will fix it, that I had for my kids. It is a tough old world out there. Our job is not to protect them from it, but to prepare them for it. The safe haven of mom and home, of fresh sheets and delicious food can turn into a prison, can turn into a place the child is afraid to leave.</p><p></p><p>For your daughter's sake, you need to change her situation, Highpockets. She does not need a break from school. That is postponing the inevitable. If she is going to fail, then for Heaven's sake, let her fail now, while she is young and you can still help her. (And we all fall flat a million times ~ those hurts are the things that make us grow up, that trim our sails a little, that help us interact in the real world successfully.) </p><p></p><p>Whatever it was that found you sheltering your daughter Highpockets, she is going to have to face it sooner or later. Better now, while she is young and strong and has a chance to change things than later, after she has fallen further and further behind.</p><p></p><p>You can do this, Highpockets.</p><p></p><p>We have been where you are, and we are right here for you, now.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Welcome, Highpockets. Post back and let us know what happened when she came home, okay?</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 627730, member: 17461"] You sound like me when all this started for us, Highpockets. I would look at the situation as it existed and blame myself for it. I was the mom. This was not helpful to my children. Those of us who responded before I did gave excellent advice. I would add that the changes you want to see in your daughter's life will not happen until [I]you stop taking responsibility for what she chooses to do.[/I] AlAnon will be an excellent resource for you. You are not the only parent in this predicament. It is important for you to know that, in person, with other parents. The alcohol part doesn't matter for you. Meeting with other parents who are putting their own lives and priorities back in order ~ that is what will matter for you, I think. As for what will happen when you go home, Highpockets...what would you like to happen? Whatever does happen today when she gets home? Keep your focus on what should have happened. Keep your focus on the best possible outcome. It isn't only about what we got. It is about what we needed and did not get. The battle is won in our thoughts, in what we teach ourselves is acceptable, and in what we teach ourselves (and our children) is no longer acceptable. Change is hard. This is going to take time, and it is going to be battle after battle. But if you do not tackle the situation head on, the situation will not change. That part is up to you. What would you like to see happen for your child? Work toward that. I wouldn't call the police today, but I would verbally stand up to my child, for sure. If there is a tantrum, definitely tape it. That was an excellent idea. Maybe your child does not realize what her behavior looks and sounds like. Film her sleeping past the agreed upon time. Film her acting like a jerk when you attempt to wake her. Film the messy bathroom. Though you could show this to your child? The value in taping these things is for you. It really is as bad as you think it is. The videos will help you be strong enough to change your situation. This thinking helped me in regards to my son: He was in his mid-twenties at the time. He had moved home. We knew he was using drugs, but had not yet acknowledged the extent of their influence. Anyway, someone here posted about 19 year old soldiers stationed in other countries. 19 year olds who did not have the option of complaining to their mothers about how tough it was, about how scared they were, about how the world was very unfair. All at once, I saw my son as the adult he was. and I was able to change the way I thought about and interacted with him. I got a little tougher. He hated that. He hated this site. But over a short time, he found work (online) found an apartment (online) and moved out. :O) As the addiction that would take him over got its hooks into him, he moved back home three or four more times, Highpockets. I had to get stronger, tougher. This site helped me to see what was really happening. The other parents here helped me know that all the kindness and mother love in the world would not help an addicted child. I had to be tough enough to face the problem and deal with it. I am still learning how to do that. It is very hard. But I am doing it. **** Another thing I would do is tell my child that, just as I had allowed the power swing into her court...for her own good, for her own growth, for the sake of her own independence, I was taking it back. Today. Right now. If you aren't sure how to think about that, post and one of us who has been right where you are now will respond. This site is a wonderful place for that very reason. Some one of us will have been through exactly what is happening to you, and to your child. You could: Buy a posterboard from WalMart, title it difficult child's Independence Plan, and tape it to the front of the fridge. With difficult child (assuming she is cooperating) list what needs to happen this week. The purpose is actually just basic communication. difficult child does not have to know that. You want to list things like: Online Job Applications In person job application pick ups / completions Online Driver's Ed course GED prep or online classes toward diploma difficult child is to list completions on the posterboard. She needs to take responsibility for it, not you. It is a practice, Highpockets. You should make it clear to difficult child that you intend to change things. That if she cannot do what you require, then [I]for her own good[/I] she will be moving out. When difficult child roars about where it is you expect her to go, you can respond: "I don't know, yet. I'm thinking about it. There are lots of ways to change our situation, and for your own good, I am committed to changing our situation. Where do you think you could go?" You will get better as you begin thinking differently about the nature of your responsibilities to your child at this point in her life. This is a seven day plan. Next Sunday night, review it. If difficult child has completed the Driver's Ed class, researched and begun preparations for the GED or the diploma, and made ten applications, fine. During this week though, whatever difficult child does, you will be creating a posterboard for yourself. What are you going to do when difficult child refuses to do what you told her to do? That is what goes on your posterboard. There are a million ways to create change, Highpockets. That is what you need to learn. You need to learn what it is that you want for your daughter in the rest of her life, and you need to learn how to get her started. It doesn't have to be that she moves out. Or maybe it does. Is there is a grandparent or a sister or brother who could take her for a time? Again, if you don't know how to begin, what to do if difficult child simply refuses to participate, post here. Some one will help you think through it. Read the suggested books, Highpockets. Or, for a crash course, search through YouTube videos of these materials. **** For me, detachment turned out to be not about detaching from the kids so much as it was about detaching from that screwy sense of compassion, of mommy will fix it, that I had for my kids. It is a tough old world out there. Our job is not to protect them from it, but to prepare them for it. The safe haven of mom and home, of fresh sheets and delicious food can turn into a prison, can turn into a place the child is afraid to leave. For your daughter's sake, you need to change her situation, Highpockets. She does not need a break from school. That is postponing the inevitable. If she is going to fail, then for Heaven's sake, let her fail now, while she is young and you can still help her. (And we all fall flat a million times ~ those hurts are the things that make us grow up, that trim our sails a little, that help us interact in the real world successfully.) Whatever it was that found you sheltering your daughter Highpockets, she is going to have to face it sooner or later. Better now, while she is young and strong and has a chance to change things than later, after she has fallen further and further behind. You can do this, Highpockets. We have been where you are, and we are right here for you, now. :O) Welcome, Highpockets. Post back and let us know what happened when she came home, okay? Cedar [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
New here - daughter problems
Top