New Here...Help!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Possum7517, Mar 5, 2012.

  1. Possum7517

    Possum7517 New Member

    Hi everyone. I have a sixteen year old daughter who has been diagnosed ADHD/ODD. In the past year, my daughter has been arrested for shoplifting, took a friend's car after drinking alcohol and smashed it into a tree. Once I caught her at a friend's house drinking. She jumped on me, knocked me down and punched me in the back of the head several times. She has been through a treatment program. We have seen counselors and psychiatriasts. She seemed to be better on medications, but she started refusing to take them, pretending to take them, handing them out to friends, etc. I'm a single mom and all of things are not easily affordable, and we are about to lose our health insurance. Every day is a nightmare with this child. She cusses at me, throws fits, manipulates, lies, steals out of my purse. She's stolen her brothers wii games and remotes, probably to sell and get money for pot. Nothing is out of bounds for her. She does whatever she wants, and I am continually in awe and shock of her behavior. This sounds awful, but it's hard to even just be around her. She is hostile, angry and disrespectful. She has an excuse for every rule she breaks, and it is never EVER her fault. She says horrible things to me and doesn't seem to have any kind of conscience at all. Her dad is no help at all and enables her. He is giving her a car, and lord help us, that is the last thing she needs. I just need to be able to talk to someone. I have been secretive of her behavior and the things she's done because I'm embarassed and ashamed. I feel so much shame and guilt to have raised a child who has turned out like this. I want to LIKE her... I want to be proud of her. It's very, very difficult.
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Hi, and welcome... the board slows down overnight, but there's the odd night-owl around here.
    Others will be around in the morning, I'm sure.

    Meanwhile... can you give us a few more details about your difficult child?
    Who did the diagnoses? when?
    What was she like as a baby, toddler, preschool?
    How did the early years of school go?
    Has her behaviour changed suddenly, at some point?

    What about family history... is she your biological child? or adopted?
    Any mental or medical dxes in the family history that might be showing up?

    The more you can tell us (without revealing TOO much... we all understand that!)... the more it will "ring a bell" with those parents whose situation is somewhat similar...
  3. Possum7517

    Possum7517 New Member

    She was initially diagnosed by her pediatrician when she was 14. Psychiatrist has agreed with this diagnosis.

    She has never been an easy child. It's almost like she came out of the womb p!ssed off and never got over it. She has always been extremely strong-willed and difficult. She did fine in school until she hit adoloscence. Before then, the teachers never has any problem with her. I used to consider her "high maintenance", but it is something so much bigger and darker than that now. While she was difficult, it was still somewhat manageable. It's not manageable at all anymore, and I feel completely helpless. Thanks for being a nightowl and responding to my post.
  4. Possum7517

    Possum7517 New Member

    Oh, and she is my biological child. Her dad has plenty of his own issues, and is partially involved, at best.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Have you addressed the drugs and possible alcohol abuse? No medications can help her if she is using drugs/alcohol. There is a possibility she is using more than pot (this was the case with my daughter...we thought it was just pot, wrong).

    Until you treat her substance abuse issues, it is unlikely that you can reach her any other way. I've been there/done that. We looked for other reasons for her behavior too and she got a misdiagnoses because drug use looks a lot like the up/down roller coaster affect of bipolar disorder. She is clean now and does not have bipolar disorder.

    I would look in the direction of possibly getting her assessed for drug abuse/alcoholism, although a good assessment requires honesty.

    Trust me, TRUST ME, I know how hard all this is and how confusing it is too. If I had it to do all over again, I'd have explored the drug use of my daughter more carefully. We thought she was only smoking pot and we had no idea how much she was drinking. If we had known, she would have gone to a rehab. (Sigh) Hindsight is wonderful. Is there any substance abuse in her family tree? A predisposition to over-use is often inherited. Also, what kind of friends does she have?

    I wish you good luck. Please keep us posted.
  6. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Hi and welcome. This is not my parenting experience area but I wanted you to know that you have no more reason to feel alone and ashamed. You have friends here who understand and though my son does not drink, he does hit me and swear at me and just last night I thought, wow....if there was a program out there that would keep him (no program would tolerate this and an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) woudl be the ruin of him due to his brain injury issues...he would enjoy learning all the naughty stuff he could learn)... I'd love the break. It is unbelievable she would hold you down and beat you like that.

    One thing people here have recommended in the past is to call a domestic violence line. She is abusing you. You might only be able to get help (I get the single mom, low money thing) by calling cps if you have other kids who can be in danger because she is violent (even seeing their mother abused is NOT ok). There are voluntary programs in cps. I have a case manager not through cps but through the county...some counties offer case management and help you get connected with funding and programs. YOu can call the county department of human services to see what options are there that match your situation, especially if you are losing your insurance. I do not have insurance but there are programs that keep my son insured. Since she has had a diagnosis for a long time, there may be mental health programs through your county that will provide funding, therapy, rehab, etc.

    Again, welcome and I know the parents who have walked/are walking this road will be along shortly. Take a breath and know we really do understand.
  7. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    *hugs* hon.
    Have you ever called the police when she's gotten violent with you? If not, you need to. I know it breaks your heart as a mother, it does me, but do it anyway. My daughter is 10 and I've had to do it, nor was I the first who had to call them to calm her down. She's old enough for real world consequences, too. Stole from you? She's old enough to have a record and serve community service for it, too. Make the call, make the report. Get her in the system and suggest the court order her into rehab so they'll pay for it. Being a single mom is a full time job.
  8. Possum7517

    Possum7517 New Member

    Thank you so much for your help and responses.

    MidwestMom, she underwent an 8 week outpatient rehab program after the drinking/car incident. She did better for a brief time, but I think she is still smoking pot. I don't know that she is on other drugs, but it wouldn't surprise me much if she was. The drugs/drinking is certainly a problem, but instinctively, I don't feel like it is the *main* problem, but more of a side effect. I feel like she is self-medicating. I am checking into more options to address this issue today. I strongly suspect her dad is an alcoholic. She hangs out with a small group of kids who are also troubled. They drink, smoke pot and one or two of them has been to jail. They are not allowed at my house, but they live in the neighborhood and she has easy access to them.

    Buddy, thank you for your suggestions. I will look into those things. There has only been the one incident when she was physically violent with me, and that happened almost a year ago. Luckily, my younger children were not there to witness it. I had my phone out and was calling the police, but something stopped me. Until this point, I tried to protect her from going to jail, but I'm past that now. I have made it very clear to her that if she threatens me, or touches me, I will call the police. We haven't had any more incidents with her hitting me, but she has gotten all puffed up and in my face. She backs down when I threaten to call the police.

    Haozi, yes, I agree she is old enough to face consequences. She has been on probation for the shoplifting incident, and did community service for the drinking/car incident. I have not called the police on her when she's stolen from my purse. Like I said before, I have been trying to keep her out of jail, but I'm done with that now. If she needs to go to jail, she can go to jail. I am sick and tired of it, and I realize that I can't rescue her from facing the consequences of her behavior any longer.
  9. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    I hate to even raise this one, but... sometimes the trigger is abuse that you don't know about. Could be someone at school, or a neighbor, or whatever... but it can be a major trigger.
  10. Possum7517

    Possum7517 New Member

    I don't think so, CDN. This has been going on for a long time. She is currently homeschooled and spends all her time either at home or with her friends. Despite all of our troubles, we have times when she is surprisingly open, candid and honest with me. She is closed off a lot, but there are times when she confides in me and tells me things most teenagers probably wouldn't tell their parents. She is not shy, but very matter of fact about it. In fact, I think it's difficult for her to keep secrets, and sooner or later, I'm going to hear about it. I feel like if this were the case, I would at least have some kind of clue.