New Here - I'm losing my 13-year old to pot

[claireisma]

I'm divorced from a very negative alcoholic abusive man. On Christmas my two boys, 13 and 17 fled his house at 1:00 AM after he went into a rage, and told me to file for full custody. My daughter did this a year ago. My kids are good kids who have been through a lot as their dad is bitter and makes life as hard as he can, disobeying court orders and fighting me at every turn on everything. He wants the kids so he doesn't have to pay support - proven when he completely cut off all communication with my oldest, who will be 18 soon. Still, my youngest son, 13, really wants a dad and so his memory is short and his heart forgiving. Pulling on his heart strings is the fact that his dad's entire family (including grandma) completely cut off my kids when they held their ground with their dad. So if they love me and stand up to their dad, they lose the entire family. And for cherry topping, his dad's wife is pregnant and he's going to have a baby brother.

We live in an affluent area, even though we are no longer affluent. As such, some of the kids around here have two parent homes where they have supervision and do quite well. Others have parents who throw money at them. And drugs are plentiful and not expensive and even free if a kid can't afford them.

My precious boy, young BAP, has been exposed to marijuana at his dad's house as both his dad and his wife smoke. I'm not sure when he first tried it but I think it was over a year ago. Since he's been with me full time I've caught him a number of times with a good amount of weed. I've also caught him smoking it. He's been in a fight club where 50 or so kids roam a neighborhood and fight or watch fights and he's experimented with sex. He had me watch a documentary on why weed should be legalized and I explained that he needs to follow the money and see who the heck published the film - because it probably goes back to someone who makes money on weed. I've also taken him to a counselor who has explained in pretty good detail, the negative affects of weed.

This boy has become some other persons child. He is cruel and mean to his less popular but straight arrow older brother. He has been outright nasty when I have attempted to restrict his activities. All of his old wholesom friends have slowly fallen away, replaced by kids who "hang out" and smoke dope. I woke up one day and realized I don't have any of his friends parents home telephone numbers. I got a few of them and he deleted them from my cell phone.

Most recently when I caught him I'd simply had enough. I grounded him and as he kept mouthing off I got up to May 28 before he finally shut his mouth. I told him that if his grades improved he could buy weeks off of the back end. In this way I can reinforce positive behavior by giving in and letting him go out with the kids he used to hang out with.

He has really been putting a number on me as he's been trying to get me to let him go out with his friends and he's even left -going off on his bike after I go to sleep or going from school and not even calling his brother when I'm at work. He has become defiant to the point that his angry outlashes at me are nearly violent, screaming obscenities in my face and threatening me when I hold my ground. And he pulls the "dad" card saying he hates me and he'll go to dad's and then stopping and saying his dad's a mean drunk and he can't go there.

Well last Wednesday, after screaming in my face and tearing apart his bedroom door, he went to his dads. I learned recently that he told people at school that I beat the **** out of him. His dad is all too happy as I am fighting him for custody and minor's counsel has been overseeing BAP. His dad told me that he spoke with BAP about his marijuana use and he is "confident that he has it under control." He let him go out with his hoodlum friends. His dad is getting ready to move to his wife's house a few hours away and I think he thinks he's going to take my won with him. His dad is doing a number on him, employing some alienation techniques that he pulled a couple of years ago where I was on business for three weeks and came back to children who hated my guts they were so filled with lies about me. And this boy of mine, lured by the promise of complete freedom (his dad really doesn't care what he does as long as he's not in the way) has now completely shut off not only me, but his brother and sister and his 25 year old mentor/tutor whom he adores. He refuses contact and told me that he will probably never come back.

Minor's counsel said that she is sending him to private counseling and that she wants to give BAP time to "calm down". I'm insisting the boy be drug tested even as I know that this will be used by his father to villify me. A custody decision is supposed to come down in early May - trial on May 18. I'm afraid that, even if I get the child back I won't be able to keep him if he doesn't want to come. I'm equally afraid that if I let him go, his dad will be fine for a while and then his wife will have the baby and she won't want my druggie kid around and they'll send him back with even more problems then he had before. And, I love this child and want to tough love him and get him the help he needs now to spare him what is in his future if he keeps going down this path. And in all of this, my heart is totally broken as I feel like a part of me has been stripped away at my son's rejection.

Claireisma

 

[helpme]

My story is very similar. Here is what I wish I would have done. I wish I
would have gone to Al-Anon, or similar program, WITH the siblings. I wish
I would have found a resource like this website/forum. The support is a
NECESSITY to deal with the problems.

Here is what worked for me. I sat down and made a list of the positives
and negatives of the WHOLE ordeal. I made a list down the middle of the
chances of the negatives occurring while the child was in my care. Now
please don't take this wrong. But the custody arrangement will not be
"strong" enough for you to enforce the agreement. Been there, done that.
Just today, I read where someone was worried about her brother taking
her difficult child in and the problems that would occur if such.

ie: and they'll send him back with even more problems then he had before
--> What is the probability of him getting into the same situation with you?

ie: I'm insisting the boy be drug tested even as I know that this will be used
by his father to villify me.
--> What is the probability that your son will be charged with a crime and have
a drug test done without your struggle to have one completed?

I am hoping this makes sense. Have you read much about detachment?
If not, I'd advise you to at least read about it, and have a plan ready if need be.
My plan was that i would fight for his medical care, give money to reward
for going to high school and for working. No more and no less. Even the
money I gave went to partying and tattoos, the cell phone bill in his father's
name, probably to paying his Dad's bills as difficult child was also doing, without my prior
knowledge, but I did my best to make sure it wouldn't.

Being prepared for detachment helped tremendously when the calls for bail
money, legal fees, and court fines and fees. I did make sure I took food
after he got out of jail or whatever, if I was able to see him. I just kept, and
still do, finding little ways to say and show that I am still here, I still love you,
but I won't tolerate your decisions, your abuse, your lifestyle, and so forth.

I think its a big decision to go into detachment. Looking back, I wish I would
chosen detachment, rather than to be forced to detach. That new phrase of
..I didn't cause it, can't change it, can't control it. It really means a lot. It also
might be a terrible thing to say, but since I've been through it already with 2
of my 3, I think I have already detached in some ways with my youngest. If I
avoid the fight with STBX, the "air" is clear to see the real problems. If I fight
with STBX, the fight becomes the ONLY problem. I also beleive that youngest
detached from her siblings and father better than I did. She did it naturally
of course. Middle daughter needed to vocalize when she detached. Everyone
handles it a little bit differently than someone else.

My oldest went to dad's after being charged with domestic battery, my next one
went to dad's after they attempted to charge me with domestic battery against
her, dad added a motion for custody of the last her and youngest. I struggle
nonstop with the decisions of allowing youngest to be in their (father and siblings)
care. It is very hard to teach a child to love their siblings and father BUT protect
them at the same time. The Order of Protection helps ward of the worries of
sexual and physical abuse. I know I did everything that I could, but sadly it was
not enough.

I've learned that enablers are everywhere. In church, at the neighbors, lifetime
childhood friends, siblings, grandparents, teachers and so forth. And in my opinion, you
will never be able to help anyone with enablers nearby. Detachment helps with
enablers and gives you the peace of mind you need.

I wish you luck and I hope to hear more from you. Make a plan and you will
feel a lot better. (Hugs)

 

[Mattsmom277]

Gosh what a awful mix of a mess you are in. I'm so "in the know" about the parent alienation thing, as well as a kid who thought his dad walked on water (even though his dad was only trying to "best" me, and had zero interest in our son). I hear you on not wanting to pay support, but supposedly willing to parent full time (which equates to letting the kid run wild and providing a roof, bed, meals and not much else).

I wish I had answers for you. Sadly I don't. In the end things worked out for me but it was a heck of a hard long road. I made a decision I thought I would regret but it turned out to be the best decision I ever made. I relented, let my difficult child move with his dad. I told him any and all contact must be positive, any nasty language, abusive dialogue, rants, etc would involve me hanging up the phone or asking him to go back to dads if he was visiting in person. And I stuck to it. His 13th birthday was my first in person visit with him after 3 months of him living with his father. I had the gifts (and early easter gifts), a birthday cake, his favorite meal. We had all of 10 minutes together before I had to ask him to leave. He raged. But I stuck to my guns. No abusive language or talk in my home. Period. He was fit to be tied as he left, I just told him I loved him and would be here when he wanted a healthy visit. He left, I cried my heart out. I stared at his gifts all wrapped (didn't let him touch them, can't be nice for 10 minutes after 3 months absence? They'll keep until he gets some respect), his cake uncut. It was horrible.

A year was how long it took. His dad let him run wild. He had police involvement. He was smoking a LOT of pot. Cigs. Skipping school (and failing all classes). No supervision. Christmas day he cranked called with a friend all day, spewing such foul filth that I had my cell phone disconnected afterwards. About a year into this mess, he was to come visit for his little sisters birthday party. I told him if he acted out in ANY manner during her birthday, I would cut ALL contact because enough was enough. He attended, it went well. We had a weekend visit. I threw him out first night for smoking in my house. He came back the next weekend (didn't bring cigs). It was allright. Not alot of communication but no fights, nothing ugly. We kept it up. He asked to come home after about 4-5 of these weekends. I told him no. He wanted to rage, but didn't. He was angry and demanded to know why. I told him he made his choice. And I was sorry the grass wasn't greener with dad. But that in all my sense of loss that year, his sister and I also learned how to live without CHAOS and we *gasp* LIKED it. And we were NEVER going through that nightmare again in this home. He said he'd do better. I said he had to do better than "better", he had to do "right". Be a part of this family, accept my parenting, my house rules, participate in this family. We didn't talk about it again. He stayed away a few weekends. He came back, and about a month later had a middle of the night breakdown (he NEVER cried!! But that night, like a baby). We stayed up all night talking. I could see he meant what he said, he really was ready. I just knew. He didn't ask to come back either. But I knew he was ready. He admitted his police problems at his dads, lack of supervision, smoking, pot, idiot friends etc. I still can't forget his voice cracking, crying, saying "Mom, I've done such bad stuff". He was broken and lonely and so craving a parent at that age. He wanted to think he was tough and could be independent, but in the end, he was just a messed up kid and wanted someone to give a hoot.

I told him that night that he wasn't going back to his dads, and he didn't. I made it clear that I wasn't messing around. This was a one shot deal. Not that I didn't love him same as always, but never again would his sis and I live in that world he made us live in for so many years. And he hasn't let me down. He's 17 now. A well behaved teen, soon to be young man. Hasn't betrayed my trust. Has honored and respected my rules, myself, his sister, our home and family. He is happy like he hadn't been since a young boy. Smiles and laughs. He tells me now the best thing I could have done was what I did, call him on his belief that things would be better at his dads, let him go, and stop putting up with his BS. He tells me even still that I wouldn't have worried so much if I had realized that you can't undo the parenting he had in his younger years. He knew right from wrong, he knew I loved him, he knew his dad was deadbeat, he knew he was in the wrong. In the end, his regret is it took him so long to tak ehis head out of his butt.

I'm not saying that this would work for every child or family. In fact it might be the worst decision for some. But I think sometimes we have to be non traditional in our approaches when our hands truly do get tied.

I will say to you that something I find very important is to remember: We are their parents, we do our very best. We love them, teach them, guide them. But in the end, they are their own people. Their own individuals. And we don't ultimately have much say in the people that they become. We can't beat ourselves up if they mess up, we can't blame ourselves, and sometimes we have to choose between choices that make no sense. There isn't always a "good choice". Sometimes, if a kids going to just keep screwing it up, we have to opt to get off the rollercoaster ourselves, take our other children off that horrible ride. And let our child have natural consequences. Sometimes it seems like we are throwing in the towel (to outsiders) when really we are opting to let our kids mess up somewhere else, while we take a deep breath, rest our weary selves, and learn to live without drama and chaos again. And in doing so, sometimes we gain perspective on how to approach and reach out to our wayward kids. Sometimes ending hte daily battle can actually strengthen the bond we have lost with our kid. And sometimes, this helps our kids come back to us, tail between their legs, looking for that security and love and home they know we offer. But to do so again, is to do it on OUR terms. Sometimes we need that distance to be able to enforce to these kids that they DO NOT get to dictate the terms. Ending their control in our homes for a while can sometimes help them come back later and accept OUR terms, which is the way it is meant to be.

Regardless of what route you take with your son, I'm very sorry for your pain. I do totally empathize with you. I don't know how I made it through myself. I do know now though, looking back, had I not taken the path I did, things might not be the way they are today. If we hadn't broken that awful cycle in this home, we wouldn't have the family bonds and happiness we have now.

Stay strong and take care of YOU.

 

[dadside]

There is a lot of wisdon in the responses from Mattsmom and from helpme. Being able to detach is critical for you. And for your son to "turn around", he has to want to - whether living with you or his dad. There are lots of places and programs that deal effectively with the issues your young son has, but in one form or another they would call for your son to want to change, then to have change supported.

In the custody decision coming, I suggest you reject any shared arrangement, save some (very?) occassional visitation. It is sure to be hard on you either way, but your other children are involved as well. If you "win" custody of your youngest, get some help in enforcing rules, and get something in that his dad is not allowed to care for him without your prior agreement - so that refuge for your son can be legally gone. I can't guess what will happen, but encourage you to have a plan either way -- and stick with it!

 

[Star*]

Claire,

Hi. Since I don't know ya, I'm Star. Long time board member - seemingly life time sufferer from idiot marriage syndrome, difficult child child, then I got into counseling for oh I dunno 15 years, got my head screwed mostly on straight, and well....here I am milling along right along with everyone else. So. The first thing I see here? YOU HAVE NO SUPPORT. None, NADA, zippppppoooooooo. ('cept for us and we're super, but not THERE) You sound exhausted to a degree that (exhale) wow....been there done that and recognize it so well. You need some help. Like right now. I'm not talking about a sister or a Mother or a neighbor or even a best friend because well - when you start telling THOSE people about things like this over and over and over - it's like the round booth at the restaurant.....they sit next to you, then they scooch, scooch, scooch, and eventually - they get up and leave you. No one you are related to or that KNOWS your kids really (and honestly) wants to hear about your problems. NOR are they trained to give you unbiased solutions, answers. I mean think about it....when you talk about your drug addicted controlling X.....do you think that ANY of your friends are really going to EVER see his side of it? And honestly? The man has a side. He's not 110% bad all the time. Even though 150% of ME would believe that you are correct in everything you tell me - and I know because I married and divorced Satan - and he was 110% bad all the time. (slaps head what was I thinking?) There are points in time that he will make that you are going to have to agree with BECAUSE if you don't? Then you divide further parental boundaries and give your child a chance to play the game even more. (Yeah now it hits ya. - me too it really was frustrating.)

So....YOU are frustrated, YOU are worn out, YOU are tired, YOU are working, YOU are trying to hold everything together, YOU are being Mom, YOU are being Dad, YOU are cooking, YOU are cleaning, YOU are referee, YOU are chauffeur, YOU are laundress, YOU are shopper, YOU are handyman, YOU are bill payer, YOU are EVERYTHING.....and along comes this 13 year old kid and WHAM.....HE doesn't appreciate a single thing you do....and on top of that? He tells you YOU STINK. Nice.....So while you're fighting the natives, and holding down the fort....he's out doing drugs and making a complete mess of his life when he SHOULD be helping further exacerbating an already stressful situation? YOU ............what? YOU talk to him in a rational tone? YOU yell at him in a ridiculous screech only owls could hear? I don't know about you but when I had to deal with drug addiction for the first time - First thing I did was cry, then want to change him with love....then get frustrated because all my love couldn't change him, then get angry because my stuff was getting stolen, then get angry because the person I love was ruining their life, then my life, then OUR life, then it got to the point I got complacent and just wished if he was going to ruin his life he'd do it away from my life...then several suicide attempts for attention later? I got numb....and finally I left. I still kept a window of hope open thinking if I left THAT would matter, THAT would make the change THAT would be the ultimate message - I took his son and left. Nooooooope. Couldn't have cared less. Just kept doing what he wanted to do - drugs. He lost = his home, job, wife, son, everything...and still picked drugs over it all. How do you compete with that?

You don't. How do you (as a person who loves someone who is doing drugs SAVE someone from drugs?)
Million dollar question. My answer to you would be - you save yourself first, in as much as - Getting yourself into counseling so that you can deal with your life first. And don't sell yourself short to me or anyone else by being tough and saying "I've done this much this far and I can......." yeah, yeah, yeah....we all have a story and if I told you mine your teeth would fall out too. The point I'm making is YOU are the MOST IMPORTANT PERSON in YOUR world and no one else is going to take care of you.....BUT YOU. If you take care of yourself first, then you'll be better ABLE to deal with what your son is going to throw at you. Could be he's an angry young man who smokes pot....and just smokes pot, goes and lives with his Dad, realizes that that's a bad situation, comes home to you and says "I'm sorry I was such a turd Mom." then that's the end of it. Wouldn't that be nice?
Well it could be that he goes to his Dads, smokes dope, gets into bigger things....makes a mess of his life - and really needs SOMEONE to be strong for him. What then? Where is YOUR head going to be when you get a call that says BEP needs you to take him back? BEP needs you to come get him from XX place. BEP needs you to send him cash, drive to X and pick him up? (maybe you get there and he begs you for money?) Maybe he's in the hospital getting his stomach pumped out and you have some tough decisions to make about where to go from there. ---Is this something that your Mom or girlfriends help you with? How prepared are you for this? How do you get detached to deal with this? How do you find a place in your heart to go so you can stand up and say "YOU CAN NOT COME HERE NO MATTER WHAT?" or have a plan ready so that if he does come back to you - and is so violent he threatens to hit you - you can pick up the phone and call 911, or you know pretty much where you will draw your line in the sand and how NOT to react to his "in your face" attitude.

Claire - how do you think....I'm able to ask you these things? Because it can't happen? Or because it CAN and has happened to a lot of us here? I'm so sorry, but dealing with pot is the least of what you're going through. I'm not all about that - it's a gateway drug business, but there's a lot of healing that has to go on with so many other dynamics in your house that I can see....that right now? Pot is low man on the totem pole or peace pipe..take your pick.

We're here - I'm usually not in the Alcohol and Drug forum - but I saw this and wanted to lend an ear or some support and advice. It's just my very humble opinion - but I think the suggestion of going to any of the ANON's meetings (i personally got the most out of Narcanon as far as learning) and getting yourself into a good therapist is going to be tantamount to helping to being the healing. I do know this - YOU can't fix him. You can't MAKE him stop smoking. The more you buck against it? The more he'll do it for spite. YOU CAN.....make rules to protect your home and establish boundaries for yourself. You CAN learn how to be indifferent to his attitude and "Oh so what?" without saying a word to him. Learn how to level the playing field and fight fair....like an adult. You can LEARN how to STOP trying to be Dad, how to STOP feeling sorry for him that he doesn't HAVE a Dad, and how to start KNOWING THAT YOU ARE DOING A FANTASTIC JOB AS A MOM A WOMAN AND A PROVIDER. (once I get to know you better I'll add CD friend)

I'm VERY glad you are here. Just being here says a lot about your courage. I think you have tons!
Come back and talk to us.
Hugs
Star

 

[claireisma]

This is an amazing place. I'm so glad I landed here. Thank you, all of you. I had a rude awakening this past weekend. My 15-year old daughter was in an auto accident Saturday night that, when you look at the car and look at the tree they took out and look at the boulder that saved them from going off the cliff, could have taken her from us. There was no alcohol or drugs involved. All three kids survived. My daughter is the worst injured, suffering a broken back in three places, no neurological issues. Getting that phone call at 2:30 in the morning and making the long drive to the hospital changed my life. My BEP came to see her in the hospital. He came home that night and he was trying to call all the shots. I told him that I wanted to get to a place of love between us even if it meant he wasn't ready to come home because the thought of him being in a car acccident and us not being on loving terms was haunting to me. He blamed me for bad blood between his sister and her dad and he was rude and mean to me (I'm here to see EMP not you so leave me alone, I'm bringing druggie friend over tomorrow to see EMP). When I called him on his behavior, told him his druggie friend was not welcome here, he said he thought he should go "home" to dad's. I said I thought that was a good idea and held the door open for him. He came back again last night. He picked a fight with his sister and said she didn't really have a broken back (she gets her waist to neck brace tomorrow) and then he proceeded to bait me with tauntings from things his dad is filling his head with - lies about court documents etc. I told him to go outside, away from his sister who is in sooo much pain. He baited me and I resisted and told him I would address his questions in counseling with him. When he started smacking my car, I pushed his things outside and closed the garage. Today I spoke with minor's counsel. I learned of some of the lies my son has been telling - Like how his brother and sister are against him now and how I blocked him from leaving a room at school where I tried to meet with him. But the school principal was there and it didn't happen and his brother and sister have been working with him even as they tire of him. His dad screamed obscenities at me this morning about how I "fd him up" last night. You know, it's been calm and peaceful since he went to his dad's.

Checking in here tonight and reading what all of you have said gives me the strength to call this thing. This boy, for what ever reason, even if it's because his dad and I got divorced and it's been high conflict, is wrong, for what he is doing right now to this family. I have to quit feeling sorry for him and call him on being the insensitive, mean-spirited little punk that he is being. He knows what he's doing! It's all eyes centered on him - even after his sister had a near fatal accident. My son may in fact be getting fed a line of **** from his dad, but he's smart and he has always been getting fed a line of **** from his dad, and he knows better. Enough!

My older boy needs a little attention as he's going to be an Eagle Scout soon and graduate from high school. My daughter needs our home to be calm and peaceful in her recovery. And yes, you are right, I am in need of, and worthy of, some calm and peace.

So, with support from friends, and from the good folks here, I'm going to hold my ground and tend the needs of, and reward the strong character of the two who are doing the right thing. I'm going to focus on creating a peaceful loving home for those of us who wish to be here. Can't say I won't waffle from time to time, but damn I'm tired of the drama and man, I'd like to make a lasting change instead of just taking a break knowing it's right around the corner.

So thank you again for the good you do ... I look forward to the day when enough is behind us that I am able to offer the words of wisdom.

Claire

 

[Mattsmom277]

Claire, I'm so very sorry to hear of your daughters injuries. I can't imagine what that is like, for her, for you, your family. Great big (((HUGS))) and prayers from this end that she speedily recovers. Thank goodness that all survived at least.

I'm also sorry to hear your son is still being, well, this way. I do hear in your post that you seem very concentrated on working where you can make affective parenting choices, namely in your home with your other child and with yourself. I'm glad to hear it.

It is such a mentally destructive thing when we end up wondering what is being said to our kids by our ex's. Sadly, many of us here went through it. Ive been round this site for a whopping near to 11 years now. Wowsers! And the list of wonderful members who dealt with that is long, including myself. Again, I clung to the belief my son would grow up and realize he was raised right (by me) and that the other stuff he "heard" was hogwash. He did too. Told me it was like brainwashing for him, and he had to work hard to forgive himself for letting himself believe the lies and to be sucked into acting so hatefully to me, and his sister. I was so saddened to see that part, and worked hard to help him at that point understand he was a kid. He was trusting those who he SHOULD have been able to trust, and he had nothing to forgive in himself. He was a sitting duck for those with agendas that were geared to do just what they did.

I'm proud of you for not letting his antics impact you and your household anymore than they did. I really feel you made a great choice, even for your difficult child. He needs to know that in YOUR home, IF he is visiting, it is a chaos and drama free zone, where you behave like family and with dignity and respect. Period. And if he doesn't? There's the door, and he can be welcome to come back anytime he is ready to adhere to the boundaries that make a healthy atmosphere for the family. You did good mom!!! And loving him and setting strict boundaries are not contradictory, even when it hurts US so much to do so. Some kids just take a LONG time to get it.

I hope you continue to come see us here, you seem like a good egg . Please update in a few weeks about your daughters progress. I'll be keeping her in my thoughts, along with your difficult child who I will hope gains insight through maturity. Hang in there!

 

[DDD]

I want to welcome you to the Board. As we often say "glad you found us" "sorry you needed to". It really sounds like you have come to peace with your current situation. That's terrific.I can relate to the panic of thinking you might lose a child as our easy child/difficult child fell three stories andended up having emergency brain surgery. A major scare like that can certainly alter the feelings you have about the value of life.Personally I would suggest that you tell your son one more thing. Tell him that if he decides that he wants to live a positive life that you will make every effort to find a residential treatmentprogram that might help him turn things around...IF he wants it. Many of us have sent our kids to residential programs and some of us have felt that it helped a bit. It's impossible for kids to turn back the clock on their own once they have chosen new friends with limited goalsand criminal histories. As you say, they are no longer welcome in their old circle of friends.It's so sad.Best of luck to you. Feel free to post as often as you like. This group understands. Hugs. DDD

 

[claireisma]

My daughter's doing really well. The back brace is holding her spine and she doesn't need surgery. Two more months and she'll be out of the brace. I'm losing my little boy more and more each day. God the family courts are so incompetent. They assigned minor's counsel - a woman who has been three years out of law school. Through my frustration and anguish I tried to explain to her my worries and my fears and she missed it entirely. Suddenly nothing is as it really is - like it's been turned upside down. My son is isolated at his dad's and his anger toward me grows. How can that be when he hasn't seen me? He told her he now knows what I've been "plotting all these years" because he's seen court papers (at his dad's) and she wrote that into her report and doesn't seem to see that that is talk of a child who is being alienated. She said my son said he's smoked pot "recreationally" a couple of times and that she's confident he's not doing it anymore because he told her that he quit and he's even talking his friends into quitting. At one point I thought she was being fooled by my ex-husband's courtroom demeanor and asked her if she's had experience in domestic violence and understands how abuse continues in divorce. She wrote in her report that I challenged her and said she was being fooled by my ex-husband. It's like this throughout her report. She said my daughter said she doesn't respect me and that I'm a liar. It's true and we're working it out in counseling. It's because my ex-husband fed my kids so many lies through the court battle that I just didn't respond. And my kids took that to mean that I must be hiding something. Had "minor's counsel" spoken to the counselor we were going to before my daughter's accident, had she asked me why my girl feels that way, she would understand those words in context. She didn't talk to any of the counselors or therapists we've been to, didn't talk to CPS or to any of the collateral contacts I gave her and she came down on me hard - said I'm paranoid and stressed and angry. You bet I am. I'm scared to death and worried sick to. And she forgot to mention flat broke because I'm spending the last of my 401K trying to save a 13 year old boy who doesn't have to be a drug addict. She recommends a 730 evaluation (great bring it on - more evaluations and more money and more time) and she wants my ex and I to go to parenting classes together. What good are parenting classes going to do? He's a controlling narcissistic drunk. He'll fake it through classes just so he can sit there and rub my nose in it as everyone buys his charm and then he'll turn around and do exaxtly what he's doing now. In one day he turned on the charm for this "minor's counsel" and then pounded on my door screaming obscenities at me in front of my son because he needed me to sign a paper so my son could go to counseling and I was taking too long to read it. He screamed at me on the phone that I "read faster than anyone he's ever met and I shouldn't have taken so long." Two days later my son is cursing obscenities at me and making gestures in front of his brother and sister when I happen to call on the phone and catch the three of them together.

This family court process, when you are dealing with a drunk, it takes it out of you. Five years now after 15 years of total physical and emotional abuse and there's no end in sight. Tonight I was laying in bed trying to talk myself into how I could make it stop for everyone involved ... just a fleeting moment of "I know how to make this stop" but you can't do that - I can't do that to my kids. So I wonder sometimes where the breaking point is in life when you think you can't go another step. Like you just can't not participate - so when is enough enough? You work your butt off putting the poker face on everyday and at night and your house is messy and you get the 15 day notice for the power and you run around turning lights off...I'm thinking I should move into a smaller house to save some money but I'll lose my deposit because one of the kids spilled kool-aid on the living room carpet ... I went to bed last evening and just cried and cried and cried. My son won't be seeing me on Mother's Day. He'd planned to but daddy dearest changed the venue and took that family out of town. I'm not on a pity trip really. It's just that this person is trying to destroy me and nobody seems to get it and it just doesn't seem right that a person can destroy another human being. And since my head went to that horrible place and it's 2:30 in the morning - I'm here because you all seem to have a grasp of what I'm talking about. Thanks for listening.

Claireisma

 

[recovering doormat]

I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through. I can relate to the abusvie ex, angry teen son who smokes weed to self-medicate for his anxiety and anger towards his parents for getting divorced and ruining his life...but you are wise to listen to the women here who have been there, done that. I am planning on attending my very first Al Anon meeting tomorrow to help myself stop enabling and start detaching before I drop dead of a heart attack or stroke from stress. Nothing I have done so far has stopped my son from smoking weed and hanging out with kids who see no future for themselves other than feeling good for the moment, and his dad is worse than useless as a co-parent. My son lives iwth his dad nearby so we see each other just about daily, and he knows how to play on my guilt over leaving him withhis dad (son was physically aggressive towards me and younger sister at the time we separated, and still hasn't accepted that he has to obey my house rules). I've been a stay at home mom for the past 20 years and have devoted myself to being the Perfect Mom, but I blew it by staying too long in an emotionally abusive marriage and letting my kids see my ex disrespect me. Now I'm trying to put my life back together at the same time I'm trying to save two emotionally damaged kids and a younger one who, thankfully, doesn't have a diagnosis. Yet. I know that 2:30 a.m. feeling well.

You did a lot by setting boundaries and ground rules iwth your son: what you will and won't tolerate, and when you were tested, sticking to it. bravo! The last time my son laid a hand on me what whenhe was 13. I had a safety plan in place and as soon as he hit me between the shoulder blades, I picked up the phone and dialled 911. Four cop cars came, and we escorted my son to the hospital for evaluation. He wasn't admitted that time, but he never laid a hand on me again. Two years later he broke some lamps and pushed over my huge tv set and broke it. I called 911, he fled to his dad's, but he was arrested later and charged with disorderly conduct. He never touched my stuff again. It took him a year of probation to clear the charge from his record.

It's very very hard to call the cops on your kid. Sometimes the authorities will be obnoxious to you for bothering them with minor stuff. But somehow the message has got to get through to the child that there is some behavior that will not be tolerated. You owe that to yourself and to any easy child's in your orbit. My youngest has suffered greatly from her older sibs' acting out, and I'm trying to give her some decent quality of life while she's still young enough to appreciate it. I'm moving soon and my two older ones are not coming with me, and it is a great relief.

Stay strong. As a therapist one told me, you don't have to tolerate behavior that you find objectionable. The hard part is staying consistent with the inevitable testing.

Glad your daughter is going to be okay. Man, you have been through the wringer lately. I hope you can find a little bit of "me" time to indulge yourself, even if it's something as small as a gourmet cupcake or locking yourself in the bathroom to read a magazine. Whatever works as a small pampering.

 

[helpme]

but I blew it by staying too long in an emotionally abusive marriage and letting
my kids see my ex disrespect me.

ditto-BUT you/we took responsibility for our mistakes and did our best to make them better!

Now I'm trying to put my life back together at the same time
I'm trying to save two emotionally damaged kids and a younger one who, thankfully,
doesn't have a diagnosis.

And I'd bet the farm you are doing a great job

I'm moving soon and my two older ones are not coming with me,
and it is a great relief.

BEST of luck to you! Wish I could go too!

Claireisma,
I don't know if this mentality might help you, but maybe it will. When I first starting
going through what you were I was an absolute mess. There was no doubt about
it. I was going to fight for my son to get better no matter what. But what mattered
most was the girls. I could see my son getting wilder and I knew that all I could do
is make my life as stable as possible, because I knew I was still setting an example
to him. I was going to choose to embrace the kids and life I had wanted. Yes, its
very hard alright. But it proved my point that I could change and my lifestyle could
change, therefor showing difficult child that he could do the same. And for the girls, they
could also make better choices than I, and they did not have to tolerate such
behavior either. But you have to remember, with or without our own mistakes as
parent, they might have chosen the same turmoil they are living within right now.
There is nothing, absolutely nothing we could do to change that. And if we dwell
on the guilt, or the regret of that, we continue to enable and show a poor example
of living.

And she forgot to mention flat broke because I'm spending the last of my 401K
trying to save a 13 year old boy who doesn't have to be a drug addict.

No, he doesn't have to be a drug addict, but HE is choosing his choices.

As far as the husband (and maybe son's behavior) to and with you,
I'd definitely start making a stand.
Figure out a statement (from the most important goal you need to achieve
with them) and repeat it over and over and over.

An example,
I will not be talked to in this manner. When you are calm, please call me.

Another example,
I do not cuss at you. Please do not cuss at me.
Or Please do not cuss in front of the children.

Stand by your statements, and the minute you gets out of line, stop! Hang up!
Make simple statements that your other children will remember during their
childhood, and so it "sets in".

Repeat the same statement to the other kids. Add sentences such as
I don't want you tolerating anyone talking or treating you like that. Younger
ones can hear something like, would you want your son or husband talking
to you like that? I don't want that for you. I am your example. I will do
my best to show you that is not right and I don't want you being treated
like that or treating anyone else like that.

I will not be talked to in this manner. When HE is calm, he may call me.

You might also add a line such as, I am story you think you are able
to talk to me like this/that. Or I am sorry you have learned to act like this.
Or I am sorry I didn't teach you correctly.

Try to keep these statements short though,
as difficult child's need to Keep It Simple.

Then go a step further, such as, learning to evaluate his "condition" when he
does call. Attempting to be objective is very difficult, but if you learn to detach,
it is the easiest thing ever. You will see his irrationalities better than you ever
could have dreamed of. It will give you strength to handle even bigger problems.
Break the first goal of cussing at me, and we will repeat it until the day I/WE die.

Like you just can't not participate - so when is enough enough?

That lands you in detachment directly! It is very very difficult. As you have heard
here, children die of overdoes, accidents, end up in jail, pregnant and other terrible
life stuff happens every day.

Try my example in small form and
you will lead yourself directly into attachment without fighting it, like so many
(myself included) have done.

If necessary, wash, rinse, and repeat.

If you achieve him talking to you in a nice manner, move to the next goal or
objective. Praise and reward yourself, praise difficult child/husband to your other kids,
and get ready for the next goal.

You will accidentally find yourself, making goals and rewards for yourself and
everyone around you. You will learn to detach and make objective, unbiased
decisions, based on difficult child or whomever. You will find yourself planing, having
a top plan, a backup plan, and an emergency plan for things you never
even realized before.

Remember b4 we got married and were dating. If joe blow cussed at us, we
broke up with them. Period. If this happened we did this. Well marriage and
kids I think make us loose those boundaries. Those boundaries are very crucial
to our health. I think this is why it is so hard for us moms to "detach". We
forgot where to draw the line.

Good luck to you.

 

[recovering doormat]

Remember b4 we got married and were dating. If joe blow cussed at us, we
broke up with them. Period. If this happened we did this. Well marriage and
kids I think make us loose those boundaries. Those boundaries are very crucial
to our health. I think this is why it is so hard for us moms to "detach". We
forgot where to draw the line.

This is true in my case. I tolerated treatment from my ex and our kids that I would never have as a single woman. I was told repeatedly by therapists and SW's that we needed limits and boundaries. It has taken me many years but this advice is finally sinking in.

 

[susiestar]

I am so sorry things are so traumatic for you. The others make great points.

sending lots of hugs.

 

[claireisma]

I love the wonderful inspiration I get here. You ladies are truly amazing. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your advice (I'm copying and pasting the words you said) and just for reaching out to me.

Claire