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New here- is there ever an uphill??
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<blockquote data-quote="Echolette" data-source="post: 627586" data-attributes="member: 17269"><p>SS,</p><p>welcome, and sorry you had to find us. I've been trying to piece together a response about your son...on the one hand this hasn't been going on for very long..at least until March he wasn't living with you..I myself had a nervous breakdown my sophomore year in college and went home and lay in bed for severeal weeks or longer...I finally rousted myself and went back to summer school to make up for missed classes, and actually graduated on time (and went on to get a graduate degree) so I don't want to jump on your son or label him difficult child prematurely...</p><p></p><p>On the other hand, a few things jump out. His blaming you for his childhood obesity and depression, and especially acting out and complaining about those things at his age...his excuses for doing nothing (Habitat for Humanity etc), his passing judgment on you and your choices while you house, feed and clothe him, and last, just the sheer lonely fact that at 22 he is not in school, not working, and living off his parents with no change in sight...makes him, ultimately, a difficult child.</p><p></p><p>Sooo...first of all, I am very very sorry that you avoid going home. I know that feeling well. I used to avoid it because of my ex-husband, but I know now that my three easy child's avoided coming home because of the conflict around difficult child. I hate that I/we did that to their childhood. I hate that anyone's home becomes a trap, a place of discomfort and pain.</p><p></p><p>Listening to where it sounds like you are, you are starting some good stuff...NAMI seems to help a lot of people. Posting here helps. Identifying a problem helps.</p><p></p><p>It would be reasonable to have a sit down with your son...a "State of the Union" if you will...we used to call them family meetings, and my son's psychiatrist said everyone should be notified and be encouraged to bring anything to the table that they want. Sit down, make it a real meeting, take notes. Listen to what he says without interrupting. Then also speak with the expectation that you will be able to speak without being interrupted.</p><p></p><p>The themes are: We love you. We recognize that you are having a hard time. This is something that happens again and again through out life..its called "life." At 22 you must be productive in the world. Since school has not worked out it is time for you to find work, and to start to pay (utilities, rent, your own phone bill, whatever). We expect you to have a job by July 1 (or whatever). As of July 1 we will no longer pay your (car loan phone bill car insurance buy you clothes give you spending money whatever it is you are doing), even if you have not been able to find a job. You are a smart, talented young man. We know you will figure out how to be the responsible adult you need to be. </p><p>We want to feel comfortable in our own home, and having you criticize my taste in TV, or food choices, or whatever is not conducive to that. Please treat us courteously and considerately and we will do the same. If you start to criticize me I will have to end the conversation. </p><p>You can finish with...lets do this again in a week and see where we stand. </p><p>YOu will very likely meet with a lot of sputtering and anger and resistance. That is normal...why should he want to change? He has it great! Try not to let this last..you don't want a 30 year old man living in your house for free and complaining about the bad things you did in his childhood and how your job and leisure time choices are stupid, right? That will happen if you don't start changing things now. </p><p></p><p>There are monasteries here in the US. He should look into one if that is what he wants. </p><p></p><p>Echo</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Echolette, post: 627586, member: 17269"] SS, welcome, and sorry you had to find us. I've been trying to piece together a response about your son...on the one hand this hasn't been going on for very long..at least until March he wasn't living with you..I myself had a nervous breakdown my sophomore year in college and went home and lay in bed for severeal weeks or longer...I finally rousted myself and went back to summer school to make up for missed classes, and actually graduated on time (and went on to get a graduate degree) so I don't want to jump on your son or label him difficult child prematurely... On the other hand, a few things jump out. His blaming you for his childhood obesity and depression, and especially acting out and complaining about those things at his age...his excuses for doing nothing (Habitat for Humanity etc), his passing judgment on you and your choices while you house, feed and clothe him, and last, just the sheer lonely fact that at 22 he is not in school, not working, and living off his parents with no change in sight...makes him, ultimately, a difficult child. Sooo...first of all, I am very very sorry that you avoid going home. I know that feeling well. I used to avoid it because of my ex-husband, but I know now that my three easy child's avoided coming home because of the conflict around difficult child. I hate that I/we did that to their childhood. I hate that anyone's home becomes a trap, a place of discomfort and pain. Listening to where it sounds like you are, you are starting some good stuff...NAMI seems to help a lot of people. Posting here helps. Identifying a problem helps. It would be reasonable to have a sit down with your son...a "State of the Union" if you will...we used to call them family meetings, and my son's psychiatrist said everyone should be notified and be encouraged to bring anything to the table that they want. Sit down, make it a real meeting, take notes. Listen to what he says without interrupting. Then also speak with the expectation that you will be able to speak without being interrupted. The themes are: We love you. We recognize that you are having a hard time. This is something that happens again and again through out life..its called "life." At 22 you must be productive in the world. Since school has not worked out it is time for you to find work, and to start to pay (utilities, rent, your own phone bill, whatever). We expect you to have a job by July 1 (or whatever). As of July 1 we will no longer pay your (car loan phone bill car insurance buy you clothes give you spending money whatever it is you are doing), even if you have not been able to find a job. You are a smart, talented young man. We know you will figure out how to be the responsible adult you need to be. We want to feel comfortable in our own home, and having you criticize my taste in TV, or food choices, or whatever is not conducive to that. Please treat us courteously and considerately and we will do the same. If you start to criticize me I will have to end the conversation. You can finish with...lets do this again in a week and see where we stand. YOu will very likely meet with a lot of sputtering and anger and resistance. That is normal...why should he want to change? He has it great! Try not to let this last..you don't want a 30 year old man living in your house for free and complaining about the bad things you did in his childhood and how your job and leisure time choices are stupid, right? That will happen if you don't start changing things now. There are monasteries here in the US. He should look into one if that is what he wants. Echo [/QUOTE]
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